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Thursday, January 06, 2005

Reality Bytes....Big Time

I admit, I'm a sucker for the reality stuff. My must watches: Survivor, The Amazing Race, anything featuring Real World, Road Rules or a mix of the two, COPS (the official television show of rednecks), and Dog the Bounty Hunter (yes, my tastes in programming are interesting to say the least). Other shows, like Fear Factor and anything on TLC, I watch bits and pieces. Then, there are those that once you see the commercial, there's no chance in hell you're even going by that channel when it airs.

Case in point; the worst piece of shite recently aired on TV. Also known as: Who's Your Daddy? To which the answer is, the New York Yankees....well, at least thrice. This show is what one would call "scraping the barrel" for ideas. To whit: a woman, given up for adoption eons ago, meets eight men. Out of those eight, one is her old man. She goes through a few elimination stages before picking the guy she thinks is her father. If she's right, she gets $100,000 and closure to some stage of her life, or something like that. If not, the fake daddy gets the cash, and the poor broad's heart is broken. And we laugh our asses off in the process.

Either way, based on summaries, the chick (who according to did porno....well, this is the FOX network after all) picked right, and a bunch of sappy crap occured. Ratings gold, right? The TV Gods said no, and stamped the "BOMB" label on it. Hurrah! Hurrah!

Just when you thought reality couldn't get any worse....VH1, the network that also used to carry music videos but now airs a bunch of countdowns and stuff, is foisting three potential pieces of drek packaged as "Celebreality." I don't know, but I could think of several things you could do to me before I even watch that.

The first jewel is another season of The Surreal Life, or "The Real World with a Bunch of Obscure Celebrities." If you thought Brigitte Nielsen (remember her, kiddies?) and Flavor Flav making out incessantly was horrid, wait until you see the first episode. Obscure Celebs this go-around include Peter Brady, Mini Me from Austin Powers (welcome to typecasting Hell), Chyna from WWF, one of the GoGos, some female rapper, the first winner from that modeling show on UPN, and Some Other Guy.

The synopsis for ep one reads as follows: Annoying Obscure Celeb Kathy Griffin drops the gang off at their new abode, Mini Me and Chyna fight over a room, the model becomes a sushi table, GoGos girl and the model go skinny dipping, Mini Me gets drunk of his ass, and proceeds to bite off Peter Brady's schnozz. Nick and Jessica now look officially sane.

Yeah, and after that priceless gem comes Celebrity Fit Club, aka "The Biggest Loser with Fat Obscure Celebs." Eight portly semi-famous folk arrive, meet their helpers (none named Bob or Jillian), and proceed to lose the poundage. Also, there's a big-ass scale. I mean really big. Oh, yes, who's our test subjects? One of the Baldwins, one of the fat guys from Sopranos (not Gandolfini), Tootie from The Facts of Life, The Snapple Lady, Ralphie from Last Comic Standing, the Divorce Court judge, Biz Markie, and Mia Tyler. Yeah....I'd watch that.

(NOTE: Apologies to the heavyset who may read this. I admit, I'm on the chubby side as well. Any fat jokes are indeed that, jokes. I'd rather be heavy than a twig like all the women you see on TV)

Finally, completing the Triumvarate of Trite, for those who just can't get enough of the wacky misadventures of Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen, Strange Love is your show. More shenanigans, and a sad moment when Flav finds out Brigitte's in love with someone else.

All premiering on the 9th, only on VH1. I'll forgive them only if I Love the 90s Part Deux is good, and they make a sequel to I Love the 70s.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get the memories of these shows purged. See you around!


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