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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Tales of Cinematic Hell

I just couldn't resist telling the Star Wars story. Honest! Just publishing that last post evoked memories of that seasonal Friday night in May almost three years ago.

I consider myself to be somewhat of a Star Wars fan. I'm not one of those pedants who know just about everything encompassing the SW universe; on the other hand, I'm not completely clueless as to some of the species and/or characters from the films. Back when it was a rarity to see the repeats of the first three films on TV (I was born before Return of the Jedi, and even then I was just a baby), I eagerly enjoyed watching the Death Star blow up, Yoda (back when he was only a mere puppet) making Luke Skywalker his bitch, and those damn Ewoks. All this time later, and I still enjoy the Ewoks.

Anyways, when plans were announced to make the first three episodes, I knew I had to go to le theatre and see them so I'd have something to tell any future children in my family. The Phantom Menace, I believe, I went to see in early August '99. I had recently gotten my drivers' license, so I took Turd Boy along with me. It was neat seeing new characters like Mace Windu, Boss Nass (BRIAN BLESSED!! All shall worship his name!!), Palpatine before he got all Sidious, Amidala, and of course, Qui-Gonn. The only drawback was the fact the film didn't start till about twenty minutes past the advertised 7 PM start time...and there were no freaking previews! Come to think of it, this was also the time when the geniuses that ran the theater felt it necessary to stick a fucking "Intermission" in between their flicks. That totally ruined The Spy Who Shagged Me, and here it just disrupted the flow.

On to 2002. The geniuses that ran the theater decided to show other shit before Attack of the Clones. That episode didn't hit our screens until September '02. This, even when the theater had sustained some slight damage from the F3 that went through town only a week before. Turd Boy had taken my older nephew to see it at the Lake 7 in Rice Lake back in July. There was no way I was going to pass up on my chance to see this, tornado or not. Methinks my favorite scene was Yoda whipping out the lightsaber; this after realizing Yoda sounded a helluva lot like Grover. (Yes, I knew before that fact that Frank Oz voiced Yoda; just watch anything with the Muppets and see how close some of the voices are. Bert sounds a tad like Fozzie, Ernie sounds like a lower-pitched Kermit, etc.) Yoda making the almost ancient Christopher Lee his bitch = win. Enjoyed that scene, I did.

So now we come to premiere night, May 2005. My sister had nothing else to do, and my older nephew so wanted to go. Turd Boy was in college at this point, but I believe he had planned on going to the Platteville multiplex.

The three of us knew that in this little town, there was going to be people wanting to see this, so we left early. We were somewhere in between the beginnng and middle of the line queue. After paying for our tickets and concessions, we made it into the theater room. So far, so good.

And then...they came.

The kids. Fucking hyper kids who apparently snorted lines of Pixy Stix chased down with shots of Coke. They shouted. They shouted some more. They ran around the fucking theater screaming "STAR WARS! STAR WARS"! at the top of their lungs. You had kids dressed up as Darth Vader. With lightsaber toys. It was almost a convention goer's vision of hell.

The movie finally started. Did the little bastards shut up and watch? Shit, no. During the opening scroll, they continued bellowing "STAR WARS! STAR WARS!" They DID NOT SHUT UP THROUGH THE ENTIRE FILM. Oh, people yelled at them to shut the fuck up. But did they listen? Shit, no. By the time the movie ended, many irate theatergoers were actually hoping assault could be legalized.

Fortunately, my rage and anger subsided when nephew got the DVD for his birthday and we sat in the TV room, with a bowl of popcorn and some Dews, and the lights off, finally enjoying what we were deprived of at the theater.

The one bright spot? During one of Yoda's scenes, my sister leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Grover."

On a totally unrelated note, I caught the replays of all six episodes on Spike TV. I was almost depressed to see the '04 version of RotJ where Hayden Christensen appears as Spirity Anakin at the end. They can put that in, but not the epic Ewok "Victory Celebration"? Blasphemy! I'm gonna have to find me some audio of that.

Yub Nub! Yub Nub!


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