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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Are You Ready for Some REAL Football Fun?

To salute just how shitty some NFL teams have become (coughPackerscough49erscough)I have decided to start up what should hopefully be an annual contest. Screw fantasy football, this is the next big thing.


That's right, kiddies! Instead of picking the best of the best, we pick the cream of the CRAP!

The rules will hopefully be simple; the derby starts after Week One, when half the league dreams of passing the 1972 Miami Dolphins, and the other half pray to their makers they don't surpass the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the shittiest team in history.

We take the 16 losers, hence the "doughnut" term, and see who goes the longest without winning. You get to pick who loses each week, and nobody's eliminated. At the end of the season, whoever has the most correct picks wins. And maybe gets a small prize or something. Feel free to leave suggestions in the comment box.

Our sixteen Doughnut Derby Contenders:

Miami Dolphins: lost to the Steelers.

Buffalo Bills: continue to struggle against the Patriots

Cleveland Browns: lost to Reggie Bush's Saints.

Houston Texas: fell to the Eagles

Tennessee Titans: Got B-E-A-T by the JETS! JETS! JETS!

Denver Broncos: Not even Dew sacrifices by yours truly could help them against the Rams

Kansas City Chiefs: not only did they lose to the Bengals, they may have lost Trent Green for most of the season

Oakland Raiders: made to be the Chargers' bitches once more

New York Giants: well, one of the Mannings had to lose. And it wasn't the one playing for the Colts.

Dallas Cowboys: TO < Jaguars Washington Redskins: I HATE THE VIKINGS.

Detroit Lions: The sad thing is, they actually were playing decent against the Seahawks

Green Bay Packers: Good Lord, Vince Lombardi must be shitting bricks in his grave. Insert Bears comment here.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Humiliated by the Ravens.

Carolina Panthers: and to think they were picks to win the Super Bowl. The Falcons threw a little kink in those plans.

San Francisco 49ers: Remember the days when they would blow out the Cardinals? Times have changed.

There you have it. And now, the fun part. Time to look at the Week Two Matchups, with the Doughnut Derby contenders in bold. If you're really lucky, maybe we'll have Derby teams against each other.


Buccaneers vs. Falcons

Raiders vs. Ravens

Lions vs. Bears

Browns vs. Bengals

Saints vs. Packers

Texans vs. Colts

Bills vs. Dolphins

Panthers vs. Vikings

Giants vs. Eagles

Rams vs. 49ers

Cardinals vs. Seahawks, no doughnuts here

Chiefs vs. Broncos

Patriots vs. Jets, no doughnuts here

Titans vs. Chargers

Redskins vs. Cowboys

Steelers vs. Jaguars, no doughnuts here.

The objective is maybe more complicated.

In each matchup (except for the three without doughnut teams), pick your loser. Preferably the Doughnut teams. Although, three games are straight-up Doughnut matchups, where one is obviously going to win.

If the Doughnut team loses, they go on to Week Three. Should they win, however, they'll receive the Swizzle Stick of Doom award. The Swizzle Stick represents their first win, eliminating them from the competition.

For every loser you get right, you earn two points. No points for a wrong answer. You won't lose points either.

Hopefully this isn't too complicated. Feel free to comment with any ideas to improve the game. Oh, yes, and when you do comment, make your picks there as well. On next Tuesday, I'll post the results and points standing.

Have fun!


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