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Sunday, September 17, 2006

Doughnut Derby '06 Standings for Week 2

It's time to look at who did what this week. Do we have nothing but donuts, or are we going to hand out a bunch of Swizzle Sticks? Let's find out..

Buffalo beat Miami in a battle of Doughnut teams. Buffalo therefore receives the Swizzle Stick as they are no longer winless.

Denver edged Kansas City in OT. Yaaaay! Oh, yeah, the Broncos also receive a Swizzle Stick.

The 49ers earned their Swizzle Stick by beating the St. Louis Rams.

Finally, in the third matchup between Derby teams, Dallas beat Washington.

That now leaves us with eleven Doughnut teams remaining:

Miami: duh, lost to the Bills.

Cleveland: Lost the first Battle of Ohio to the Bengals.

Tennessee: manhandled by the Chargers.

Houston: made Peyton Manning and the Colts' bitches.

Kansas City: Duh, lost to the Broncos.

Oakland: Uh, who'd they play? The Ravens, yeah.

Washington: I'm not rehashing that joke anymore.

Green Bay: Got beat by the fucking Saints. Good Lord, I wonder how long it'll be till we see Cheeshead paper bags? It's not even draft day yet and it looks like Troy Smith's going to be heading for the Frozen Tundra.

Lions: Mauled by the Bears. Oh my!

Carolina: Fucking Ryan Longwell and the Vikings. The only thing they're good for is singing about Spam.

Tampa Bay: My god, what happened to these guys? Not saying that the Falcons are lousy, but only 3 points in two games? Chris Simms sucks.

With the ritual bashing of the loser teams out of the way, what does Week Three have in store for us?

Jets vs. Bills, both with Swizzle Sticks.

Packers vs. Lions. Two Derby teams, which means someone's getting a Swizzle Stick. 99.9% likely Detroit.

Redskins vs. Texans. Again, someone's automatically guaranteed a Swizzle Stick. Most likely the Redskins.

Jaguars vs. Colts. Winnahs.

Titans vs. Dolphins. Come on people, do we need to give away more Swizzle Sticks?

Bears vs. Vikings. Both undefeated. Ryan Fucking Longwell will probably win the game again.

Bengals vs. Steelers, no doughnuts here.

Panthers vs. Buccaneers. This is getting ridiculous.

Ravens vs. Browns. Thank you!

Rams vs. Cardinals, each with a win

Eagles vs. 49ers. Can San Fran improve on their Swizzle Stick?

Remaining matchups pit the Giants against the Seahawks, the Broncos take on Tom Assface Brady and the Pats, and Monday night finds Vick and the Falcons traveling to Chocolate City to face the Saints. (Ray Nagin asked for it.)

The Raiders have a bye, so they'll continue their quest for suckitude in Week 4. The Chiefs also have a bye, so no chance for a doughnut this week.

Other bye teams: the Chargers and Cowboys.

Good luck and have fun making your picks for the future 0-3 teams.


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