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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The 2007 BlanketyBlog NFL Toilet Bowl!!!

For those of you that actually give a flying rip, last year I took a look at the cream of the crap: namely, the teams that would do jack shit in the NFL week after week after bye week. The winning (er, losing) team was none other than the godawful Oakland Raiders, the last team to get a win. They, however, got a quarterback who got greedy and sat out all of preseason. Asshat.

Anyhoo, the name's changed but the game's the same. After Week One, we have 16 teams in the Toilet, so to speak. From now until we have one Turd Team still 0-for-whatever, each team that gets win number one gets the Super Sweet Plunger of Delight, thereby flushing themselves out of contention.

Potty humor asides, here's the 16 Turd Teams of 2007 (wow, and alliterations too!):

  • the Miami Dolphins, who lost in overtime to a surprising Washington squad

  • the Buffalo Bills. However, losing to Denver is the least of their worries this week.

  • the New York Jets, although they finally exposed Bill Belichick for the cheating fucker that he is.

  • the Baltimore Ravens, coming up short to the felons from Cincy.

  • the Cleveland Browns. Seriously, are you surprised? You really think they'd beat the Steelers?

  • the Jacksonville Jaguars, pipped by the Titans.

  • the Oakland Raiders. Shit, they played the perennial NFC Turds from Detroit.

  • the Kansas City Chiefs. Wow, the Texans actually won their season opener for the first time since, well, must've been when they first started playing.

  • the Philadelphia Eagles. Their special teams fucked up big time, giving the Packers their first season opening win since 2002.

  • the New York Giants, made to be the Cowboys' bitches yet again. Eli's not comin',

  • Da Chicago Bears. Rex Grossman continues to prove that he sucks.

  • the New Orleans Saints. A shame someone had to play the Colts.

  • the Atlanta Falcons. Poor bastards. I still hate the Vikings.

  • the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Who in the hell'd they play? Oh, the Seahawks.

  • the St. Louis Rams. Oh, the Panthers.

  • the Arizona Cardinals. Holy crap, the 49ers actually won a game too!

And now, what fate befalls these Turd Teams in Week 2?

  • Texans vs. Panthers. Daylight come, and you gotta Delhomme. Panthers by 14.

  • Bengals vs. Browns. Hah! Bengals by 30.

  • Falcons vs. Jaguars. Someone's getting Plunged! Methinks it'll be Jacksonville by 2.

  • Packers vs. Giants. Eli's not sure whether he's comin'. If the Giants' D look like they did Sunday, the Packers should win. Pick 'em.

  • Bills vs. Steelers. Big Ben and Co. go 2-0 by 20.
  • 49'ers vs. Rams. San Fran's been hot, so I'll go with them by 12.

  • Saints vs. Buccaneers. Somebody's getting plunged. New Orleans is most likely, probably by a touchdown.
  • Colts vs. Titans. Peyton will be too much for Vince Young. Colts by 30.
  • Seahawks vs. Cardinals. Meh.....take yer pick.
  • Vikings vs. Lions. Eeeh.....der, Lions by 40.
  • Cowboys vs. Dolphins. Fond memories of Leon Lett fucking up in the snow on Turkey Day...nostalgia favors the Dolphins by 5.
  • Jets vs. Ravens. Another Plunger goes to the winner of this game. The Jets should improve this week, but not by much. Pick 'em.
  • Chiefs vs. Bears. Ahh, fond nostalgia of the old Snickers commercial. Great googly moogly, the Chefs by 12.
  • Raiders vs. Broncos. Do you even have to ask? Broncos by eleventy billion.
  • Chargers vs Cheaters--er, Patriots. The Chargers are gonna have sweet revenge on their minds, and will hopefully wipe that fucking smirk off Tom Brady's face. Pick yer points.
  • Monday Night Snore: Redskins vs. Eagles. Well, it can't be that dull, unless McNabb gets hurt again. Eagles by 9.

Have fun!!


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