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Friday, October 14, 2005

The Olson Files Presents: GSWF Retro, Installment One

As some of you vets on the GSN forums may recall, back in December of 2001, a few posters including myself commented on an episode of Match Game '75. In that episode, Avery Schreiber caused no distubance at all by eating one of the trademark blue card, and tbe cameraman kept his focus. This discussion spiraled into what turned into an imaginary on-set brawl with commentary by the WWF announcers.

From that, a tiny seed was planted which evolved into the spring of '02 with the birth of the Game Show Wrestling Federation. Featuring beloved personalities of the past and present and set in the WWF era, I created three stories. Little did I know of the reaction I would get from these. The GSWF has been on hiatus for some time, but as my sig says, wait till November...

Until then, here's the original story, taking place on "GSN RAW." This has not been endorsed by any game show personality alive and deceased. Viewer discretion somewhat advised, but you may not want to drink anything.

(GSN Logo, followed by WWF-type logo that reads "GSWF. Play." cue opening credits, the old Raw theme accompanied by various shots of emcees, models, and other personalities laying waste to each other and to certain things..finally, the "GSN RAW" logo appears. Cut to pyro show in arena as fans generally flip out, wave signs, and act like loonies)

Jim Ross: "From the Chuck Barris stages in Hollywood California, GSN welcomes you to another jam-packed night of GSN RAW! We're just minutes away from the greatest event of the year, Game Show-a-Mania, and it's going to be one hellacious event! (camera cuts to Jim and commentators sitting at 'What's My Line?' panelists' desk) I'm joined by my broadcast partners, first as always, Jerry 'The King' Lawler, and our very good buddy, The Dean himself, Bill Cullen."
Jerry: "Oh, JR! Game Show-a-Mania is here! I'm so excited!"
Bill: "Well, the GSWF never fails to entertain, I guess. I wish Bess Myerson or Jayne Meadows was here though, it'd be more fun."
JR: "Hell yeah, Bill. First off, we can tell you what we have booked so far tonight for matches. We have the first ever Hardcore Gong match for the GSWF Hardcore title, with the champ, Chuckie Baby taking on all comers. We have no idea though what they mean by gong. Also, we have a Celebrity Battle Royal featuring a lot of your favorite game show stars. Jerry is going to love one match tonight, the Sixth Seat Bra and Panties Extravanganza featuring some of your favorite Match Game beauties going at it."
Jerry: "Puppies! Puppies! Arf arf arf!" (Bill scoots away from Jerry)

JR: "And of course we do have some other matches, and there may be matches made live here tonight. Now, I guess we should explain why we're having GSAM at the CB stages. Well, last week's 'Smackdown' was taped at Sony Pictures Studio and there were some incidents that led to the place ending up in shambles."
Bill: "It wasn't pretty, and we don't know whether some of those involved will even be here tonight."
Jerry: "You're telling me! Did you see the end of that Fast Money from Hell fight? Louie Anderson turned Stone Cold Richard Dawson into a pancake! Survey says that wasn't a pleasant scene!"
Bill: "Also, Garry Moore made some cracks about John Charles Daly having a board where, uh, you know, which ended up in a donnybrook between Henry Morgan and Bennett Cerf. Needless to say the ladies were heading for the hills, and quick."
JR: " That's another match for tonight for the tag titles with M&M as the title defenders. Also, some violence erupted during the Money Cards on a Pole match when the Card Sharks models went at it and Eubanks and Perry couldn't keep them under control."

Bill: "And that brings us to the GSNWO. Uggh, I hate those people."
JR: "Those sick, evil people, Burger, Bullard, Probst, Inquizitor, Kroeger and Anderson. After their rampage, we know that 'Mr. Password' Allen Ludden will show up tonight but whether or not he'll be up to fighting is still in the air. We mentioned Dawson already, he's not expected to be here. Hell, we still have no damn clue whether or not we should expect 'The BLANK' to be here, he's been MIA with rumors he's been in Encino. We do know Bob Barker is here and ready to pick a fight, and considering Burger has the gold, he may be 'coming on down' any time now to make the proper challenge."
Bill: "Now with The BLANK, you have to remember at our last PPV, 'SURVEY SAYS!' he was the victim of a heinous assault by the GSNWO and Mr. McMahon, and we haven't seen him since. And without The BLANK, the GSNWO has run roughshod through the GSWF, terrorizing anybody and everybody. Did you see that they scared Anne Robinson into total catatonia?"
Jerry: "Bill, that was probably a good thing."Bill: "Yes, but either way, the GSWF is on the verge of destruction, and The BLANK is nowhere to be seen."
JR: "I agree. We're going to take a break here, friends, and after this Game Show-a-Mania will be underway!

After the commercials..
(fade in on arena....the NWO theme music plays, the audience starts booing. Cut to the entranceway and the GSNWO comes out along with Vince McMahon)

JR: "And I guess GS-a-Mania is underway!"
Jerry: "I haven't been this excited since, uh, since the Card Sharks Cat Fight!"
Bill: "Should be a great night. Shame it has to start like this."
(Vince and the GSNWO enter the ring, armed with mics, which are Sony ECM-51s. Crowd boos and starts chanting obscenities as per WWF rules)
Vince: (smirking) "And welcome to the new era of the GSWF!"
Crowd: "Boooooo!"
Vince: "Let me tell all of you something, you're going to be in for the greatest show of the night...and it's all about the GSNWO!"
Crowd: "Boooooo!"
Vince: "Now, of course we have some interesting matches, but none comes close to what I have in store for you tonight!"
Crowd: (bored, and stealing a page from Austin) "BLANK!" (they dissolve into laughter)
Vince: "Shut up! (crowd boos and starts chanting obscenities again) Here to discuss the greatest main event in GSWF history is the Undisputed GSWF champion, Michael Burger! (crowd erupts in widespread booing as Vince hands Mike the, uh, mic) Now if you excuse me, I have business to attend to." (leaves ring)

Michael: (after Vince leaves) "Oh, the public, how they worship me!"
Michael: "You know, I never had more fun in my life than at Survey Says! (booing continues) Why? Because we put your precious (sarcastically) 'people's champion' out of the business!"
Crowd: "You suck! You suck! You suck! What? What? What?" (they keep repeating this)
Michael: "So with The Blank out of commisssion, I haven't had a worthhile challenger in ages. Why? Because they fear me! I'm the greatest Match Game host of all time!"
Crowd: (very limited vocab) "Bull(cuckoo)! Bull(cuckoo)!"
JR: "The crowd not one to mince words."
Jerry: "What do they know? Burger's the champ, what he says goes!"
Bill: "Heck, even McLean Stevenson was better than Burger. What's he going on about? Someone needs to knock him down and quick."
Michael: "You brought on Hall, I beat him! You brought on Ludden, I beat him too! But you know who I reaaallly want to beat?"
Crowd: "NOOOOOO!"
Michael: "I'll tell you who I want to beat again....."
Crowd member 1: "Tom Kennedy?"
Crowd member 2: "Rip Taylor?"
Crowd member 3: "I know! Pat Sajak and Vanna White!" (crowd laughs)
Michael: "No, you insolent fools!"
CM1: "He's speaking intellectually. Maybe Trebek."
CM2: "No you moron, he's going to kick Probst's butt!"
CM3: "I know, I know! Your momma!" (crowd roars with laughter)
Michael: "Dammit, you respect the champ! (boos which then leads into chants of, well, you know.) I'll give you one more guess, and the idiot that guesses wrong is going to get pulverized by Mr. Anderson here!" (Louie flexes his, uh, flab as crowd boos)
CM1: "Um, let's see...someone you took pleasure in beating.."
CM2: "One you're extremely jealous of..."
CM3: " of our favorites, apparently..."
Crowd member 4: "I know who it is! It's The Blank!"

JR: "Let's see. Is it The Blank?"(Password Plus puzzle board says "THE BLANK." Crowd roars with approval)
Michael: "That's right...I want him, and I want him here tonight? And I'm going to give the scum five seconds or else..."
Bill: "I'm surprised he can count to five."
Jerry: "That's not funny."
Michael: "Here goes. One, two, three, four----" (he's interrupted by the 70s Card Sharks theme)
JR: "OH MY! OH MY! It's Jim Perry! Jim Perry has returned!"
Bill: "Jim Perry never left the GSWF in the first place. Just settle down, JR."

(Jim Perry stands in entryway, crowd cheers. Jim stands wielding a mic)
Jim: "And welcome to another episode of 'Who Wants to Kick Some GSNWO Butt?' (crowd cheers) You are obviously asking for it!"
Michael: "I don't want you!"
Pat Bullard: "But I do, because I'm a nice guy!"
Jim: "Oh, cut the crap Bullard! You were never that great a Card Sharks host? You wrecked the whole concept of the game! Hell, you can't even beat me for the Hollywood Title!" (cheers)
Pat: "Oh yeah? So what are yooou up to tonight?"
Jim: "Well, seeing as you're a MORON, how about a match? (crowd cheers) For my belt? (cheers) And let's make it, oh....(seriously low and evil voice) a Higher or Lower Match?" (crowd loses it, starts chanting "Perry! Perry! Perry!")
Pat: "OK, Perry, you got it! But you know what? I'm going to beat you to a pulp, but because I'm a nice guy, I'll leave you alive." (boos)
Jim: "You got it!" (CS music plays as he walks back)

Michael: "Now, before I was so rudely interrupted, where are you Blank? Bring your (expletive cuckooed) out here, and now!"
(Michael fails to get his wish because all of a sudden, the good old fashioned Password theme plays, crowd goes ballistic)
JR: "Is it who I think it is?"
Bill: "Who else could it be?"
(Allen Ludden stands in the entryway, the crowd is in near riot mode)
Crowd: (chanting) "HI DOLL! HI DOLL! HI DOLL!"
Allen: (motioning for crowd to settle down) "The Password is 'heart.' And I have a lot of it! Unlike you cowards!"
Inquizitor: "You pitiful mortal. Do you realize you will never beat me and regain that Intercontinental title you so richly crave?"
Allen: "I crave nothing! I don't even know if I want to crave a match tonight. But I do crave the respect that this spectacular crowd just gave me!" (cheering from crowd)
CM1: "You tell him, Allen!"
Inquizitor: "Something tells me you need to be smited, and permanently. I challenge you to a match. You get to pick the gimmick."
Allen: "A gimmick match? For the title?"
Inquizitor: "For the title! Now, what gimmick?"
Allen: "Well, I don't exactly know. But you did give me the option, and I'll PLAY! (crowd roars) Good thing the Goodson-Todman set wizards came up with this. Ladies?"

(Holly Halstrom and Janice Pennington bring out a wheel vaguely reminescent of the Star Wheel from the later years of Match Game, albeit with some new cosmetic changes)
Holly: "It's 'The Gimmick Wheel'!" (crowd cheers)
JR: "The Gimmick Wheel. Sounds like a gimmick to me." (Bill chuckles)
Jerry: "What I want to know is how this Gimmick Wheel works. Aggh!"
Janice: "Yes, the Gimmick Wheel. Offers six different gimmick matches. And if it lands on a star, it's a TAG TEAM match!(cheering) Would you like Allen to spin it now?"
(Inquizitor starts to speak but crowd starts chanting for Allen to spin)
Holly: "I guess the crowd has spoken. Go ahead honey, spin that wheel!"
(Allen gives the Gimmick Wheel a spin, crowd chants "tagteamtagteamtagteam" as wheel goes around and around.)
Holly: "Good spin!"
Janice: "Yes, let's see where it'll stop."(wheel slowly boops until it lands on..)Holly: "And Inquizitor, you'll be challenging Allen Ludden to a game of.....HOT POTATO!"
JR: "The Hot Potato match! Oh my God, that is heinous!"
Bill: "For those of you at home, the Hot Potato match is of course based on the game of Hot Potato. Except for one tiny little GSWF potatoes are used throughout the course of this match. Jim Lange had one shoved in his navel and he's never been the same again. Of course, it was his wife that shoved the potato seeing as it was a Hot Potato/Tattletales fight."

Allen: "See you then, Mr. Inquizitor! And, oh Burger....don't count on Blank showing up tonight. He's got a trick up his sleeve and it is something you will never forget. See ya, I hope!"
(music plays as GSNWO wander the ring)
JR: "Well, we have some additions to the big event tonight. We have Jim Perry defending his Hollywood title against Pat Bullard in the Higher or Lower match, and this biggie, the Hot Potato match where Allen Ludden will attempt to win the Intercontinental title. Friends, we have to break for ads but we'll return after this!" (fade out)

Backstage segment

(Holly and Janice are wheeling the Gimmick Wheel backstage when they run into Lacey Pemberton and Suzanna Williams)

Holly: "Oh, hello."
Lacey: "What, we're too good for you or something? Stop this 'oh hello' crap and tell us what you really think of us."
Janice: "Well, uh."
Suzanna: "Jealous because we have the better bods?" (males hoot)
Holly: "No, but you're not exactly Showcase material either."
Lacey: "Oh yeah?"
Holly: "Yeah!"
(the girls start grabbing at each others's hair until Bob Eubanks walks in)
Bob: "Hold on, girls! Settle down! (to Holly and Janice) How dare you lay your Plinko infested hands on my dealers?"
(Bob Barker walks in)
Bob B.: "Look who's talking, Eubanks! Your girls are so used to flipping things---"
Bob: "Watch your mouth old man!"
Bob B.: "You watch it or I'll spay and neuter you!"
Bob: "Listen Mr. Hotshot Emcee, how about we have a match tonight, then we'll see who the better Bob is. You bring your broads, I'll bring my girls."
Bob B.: "A Battle of the Bobs? (pauses) You got it. And let's throw in a little stipulation. The winner gets to take the loser's girls out on a date."
Bob: "Fine, Barker. I'll play your little game. A shame though that you won't be having fun. I got some whoopie dealings...."
(he, Lacey and Susanna walk away, leaving Barker and the Beauties with stunned looks)

(Meanwhile, we cut to the desk of the GSWF Commissioner Charles Nelson Reilly, accompanied by Brett Somers)
CNR: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we hope you're enjoying tonight's little shindig."
Brett: "I can't believe you brought me to this. I had plans in Encino!" (crowd laughs)
CNR: "Don't air the dirty laundry out in public! Now, it's come to my attention that Mr. Michael Burger has issued a challenge for his undisputed title to The Blank. (crowd roars) However, we have yet to hear word from The Blank, so it leaves me no other alternative but to name a challenger ---"
(the door opens, and in comes Paul Lynde)
Paul: "Oh, couldn't decorate too well with this office, eh, Chuck my boy?"
CNR: "Who said you could come in?"
Brett: "Charles, can I go now?"
CNR: (ignoring Brett) "Paul, you're just jealous, aren't you that you're nowhere near as talented as me!"
Paul: "Oh yeah?"
CNR: "Yeah!"
Brett: "I've had to deal with you for eight years, I don't know how much more of you I can stand!"
(Enter Charo)
Charo: "I cannot stand you either, you stupid drunken b(cuckoo)!"
Brett: "What did you just call me, you Latin w(cuckoo)?"
CNR: "Girrrrls, Paul and I are trying to have a discussion here!"
Charo: "Shut up!"
(Brett starts choking Charo until Paul starts hitting Brett)
CNR: "All right, that's enough! Paul, if you think you're so good, how about you versus me?"
Paul: "Fine! I like that!"
CNR: "I'm not done! Let's make it a mixed tag team match! Me and Drunk here versus you and Hooker!"(the four start fighting again, and we fade out for more ads)

(fade back in on arena....loud drumroll)

JR: "And we're just about ready to get underway with our first match, and we'll go to ring announcer Johnny Olsen."
Johnny: (in ring) "Ladies and gentlemen, our first match is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the Game Show Wrestling Federation Tag Team Titles! ("I've Got a Secret" music plays) first the champions, who refused to disclose weight, from Neeewww York, the tag team of Garry Moore and Henry Morgan! (Garry and Henry pose and such as they enter the ring, crowd gives lukewarm response) And their challengers...(Old school What's My Line? theme plays)....being accompanied to the ring by Miss Arlene Francis, also from New York, let's meet our tag team of Bennett Cerf, and Mr. John Charles Daly! (cheers, mainly because of the Arlene Factor) Tonight's referee is Roger Dobkowitz! (Roger waves)"

JR: "And this should be a real slobberknocker, this match came as a result of a match at our last PPV, when Moore made some barbs to Daly, which resulted in their tag partners getting involved."
Bill: "It saddens me to see my good friends going at it, to tell the truth."
Jerry: "Aggh!"
Bill: "And here we go."
(bell rings---we see Judge Von Erik of "Play the Percentages" is timekeeper)

JR: "And it's safe to say Game Show-a-Mania is underway. There's Moore, he's going to start off against Daly. They lock...and OH MY! Daly just low-blowed him! (Arlene Francis is seen clapping)"
Jerry: "I guess his secret is now he's a soprano! Aggh!"
Bill: "Now that was uncalled for. Now I see---oh, Moore just did a fallaway slam. Guess he's going for the softening method and leaving what's left of Mr. Daly for Henry Morgan."
(Bennett starts sticking out his hand after some more action....he wants a tag)
JR: "And there goes Moore with a DDT...And now he's mocking Arlene in the corner there. (Arlene attempts to get on the ring apron but Roger won't allow it) But---lookit John Daly go, he's in the corner, and he tags in Cerf."

(Bennett just looks at Garry for a moment. Garry goes over and tags in Henry. Meanwhile, as Arlene and Roger continue fighting, Henry is about reading to do a clothesline...when all of a sudden Bennett whips out a Random House book and whacks Henry good with it. Crowd roars)
Bill: "Well, I guess Bennett does put that Random House presidency to good use."
JR: "OH MY! OH MY! DID YOU SEE THAT? And Cerf is covering Morgan...and there's the ref....1! 2! 3! And just as quickly, it's ten down and none to go for Moore and Morgan! It's an upset! OH MY! OH MY!"
Johnny O: "The winners of this match, and NEW GSWF Tag Team Champions, Bennett Cerf and Mr. John Charles Daly!" (the two get the belts as crowd roars...Arlene gives them hugs)

Bill: "Isn't this some sort of record for shortest match? But I wouldn't have figured on Bennett Cerf using the book that early? But I guess if that one British fool can use brass knuckles in only seconds, I guess a book can go here. What a squash."
JR: "I guess you can say that, Bill, but considering all the matches we have to cram in a RAW PPV extravaganza, maybe that's a good thing."
Bill: "True, true. So what other matches are on the docket? We have the Gong Match, right? And the ladies' matches, and the Hot Potato Match."
JR: "And also the Higher or Lower Match, The Battle of the Bobs, and the newest fight that was made, the duo of Reilly and Somers taking on Lynde and Charo."
Jerry: "Kootchie Kootchie! Puppies!"
Bill: "Jerry, if you could stop thinking about breasts, maybe you'd still be first commentator instead of second one."

(BACKSTAGE SEGMENT: Vince and Michael are discussing the thing Allen Ludden alluded to)
Vince: "Who knows? He may show up tonight."
Michael: "I want him to! Where could he be anyway?"Vince: (smirks) "I have some people who can help. Come on in, folks.
(Billy Mays, the Bloussant Girl and Wilford Brimley on yet another horse walk in) Meet the Adfolks. They can find anybody and drive them to do anything they want. These people can force The Blank to come fight you. What do you think?"
Michael: "I like it...I like it a lot? But where the hell are you going to look?"
Vince: "One word sums up where he's at. (low and evil) Encino."
Michael: "But I saw Brett Somers here....wouldn't she be...oh. He's going to be waiting. (to Adfolks) You go to Encino, and you bring me The Blank, no matter what."
Billy Mays: "Try my new Orange Glo!"
Bloussant Girl: "Have you always wanted bigger breasts?"
Wilford: "Then get your blood testing supplies from Liberty Medical."
Vince: "See? No man can stand those three....The Blank is never going to see it coming."

(Cue another backstage segment with Allen Ludden. Door knocks)
Allen: "Come in!"
(Betty White enters, males cheer)
Betty: "Allen, dear. Don't you think you're asking for it with this Hot Potato match? You're not 100 percent yet."
Allen: "I have to do it, honey. I have to do it for Dawson, and The Blank. (obligatory cheers) I have to stop this insiduous litle reign of terror before it destroys this federation."
(Betty is silent)
Allen: "And don't let this bother you during your Bra and Panties Match. OK? (kisses her on cheek)"
Betty: "Oh, all right. (returns kiss) I hope you're right."

(cue yet one more blanking backstage segment...Peter Tomarken at a vending machine.)
Peter: "Big Gulp, Big Gulp, no Whammies and STOP!" (hits button and soda pops out. We see Todd Newton walk in)
Todd: "Hey Peter."
Peter: "Hi Todd. I hear Whammy! went well. Congratulations."
Todd: "Thanks. The original and new Press Your Lucks make for a great hour doesn't it?"
Peter: "Yeah."
(Just then, the 80s Whammy appears)
80s Whammy: "Whammy sucks, Newton! You're a moron host!"
(the Whammy! appears)
Whammy!: "Oh yeah? Well it's much improved over the crappy 80s version!"
80s Whammy: "Oh yeah?"
Whammy!: "Yeah! You (expletives cuckooed)---"
(the two Whammies start fighting until Peter and Todd grab their respective Whammy)
Peter: "Knock it off, Whammy! What's Whammy! done to you?"
Todd: "Settle down Whammy! You just can't start fighting like this."
80s Whammy: "I'm the better Whammy than you!"
Whammy!: "I'm the better Whammy than you! So what are you going to do about it!"
80s Whammy: "I challenge you to a match!"
Whammy!: "You're on!"
80s Whammy: "And you know what type of match?"
Peter: "You don't mean.."
Todd: "I hate to ask but..."
80s Whammy: "I want a Hell in a Cell match! You and me! Then we'll see who the better Whammy is!"
Peter: "Good but don't ask me to watch!"
Todd: "Me neither! You two can just work this out on your own." (he and Peter leave, and the Whammies start fighting again)
JR: "Goodness folks, we're still just getting started and we're getting some hellacious news. Stay tuned!" (fade out)

(fade in....Johnny O. in ring)

Johnny: "Hey men, are you ready?"
Male Crowd Members: "YEAAAHHHH!"
Johnny: "Well then, get ready for the next match! The SIXTH SEAT BRA AND PANTIES MATCH!!!"(Men start roaring)
JR: "And sales of Viagra have just shot up. Let's see who the first two entrants are...."
Jerry: "Puppies! Puppies!"
Bill: "Well, seeing as it is Match Game Beauties, you could probably just shout Boobs! Boobs!"

Johnny: "Our first entrant is best known for her ridiculous answers and giving Joyce Bulifant a run for her money. Men, here's Patti Deutsch! (Patti enters and waves) The second combatant has starred in 'Welcome Back, Kotter' and 'Angie.' Here she is, Debralee Scott! (Debralee enters and waves) Our third lady is best known for her work on 'The Bob Newhart Show' and 'The Simpsons.' Here's Marcia Wallace! Our next lady usually sits in seat four, but has made her niche in seat six...Elaine Joyce!! Our next lady is the Southern Belle herself. All the way from Birmingham, the crazy T-shirt queen, Fannie Flagg! (males roar) And finally, here's the first lady of game shows, the Queen of Password, and an excellent she comes...Betty White!! (more roars) Thank you, ladies. Here are the rules of the Bra and Panties match."
JR: "We should point out many people are under the assumption you'd rip off each others clothes in this type of match, but we leave that to the $1.98 Beauty Show, no offense."
Johnny: "Each of these ladies has selected a bra and panty outfit which they are wearing underneath their regular clothing. You, the men, will serve as judges and you give each response to the lady in particular. Whoever gets the highest reaction wins! And here to assist is our special guest judge, you know him from Tattletales, Super Password, and Win Lose or Draw, Mr. Bert Convy!" (ladies cheer)

Bert: "Hello everybody! (cheers) So here we are, the big Bra and Panties Match. OK, so Johnny gave us the rules. To make this even more exciting, we've decided to put a cash stake in this. To make it even more exciting than that, we've divided the arena into THREE ROOTING SECTIONS! (crowd cheers) Our ladies are color coded to go with each section. Blue section, you'll be rooting for Patti and Marcia! (males hoot) Bananas, you'll be rooting for Fannie and Debralee! (males hoot) And Reds, you'll be rooting for Betty and Elaine! Are we ready? (males start making grunting noises..not a pretty scene) OK, we go! Patti?"(Patti slowly removes her shirt and pants, revealing a nice one piece blue swimsuit. Males give polite applause)
JR: "Patti Deutsch, once again going against logic choosing to wear a one piece rather than bra and panty."
Jerry: "No puppies!"
Bill: "That doesn't exactly help the blue section."

Bert: "OK, it wouldn't be fair to do the Blues all at once, so Debralee? Ready?"
(Debralee rips off her clothes revealing a frilly two piece suit with white whistle and catcall)
JR: "Now that's a nice outfit, I should say."
Bill: "Gives new meaning to 'Hotsie Totsie.'"
Bert: "OK, Bananas. Stop cheering now. Elaine, it's your turn!"(Elaine casually takes off her dress and shows a very tasteful red two piece suit. Men, especially Bobby Van, start drooling in their seats, causing wives and girlfriends to slap them)
Jerry: "Puppies! Puppies!"

Bert: "All right men, settle down! So it's still anybody's game! Alright, here's the final round, and we'll start with Marcia!"
Marcia: "Oh Bert!"
Bert: "Ohh, Marcia!"
(Marcia gives Bert that look, and she removes her outfit revealing a nice patriotic looking two piecer. Men start cheering)
JR: "Marcia obviously going over well in that red white and blue. Now the men are going to go nuts."
Bert: "All right, Bananas, are you ready? I can't hear you! Are you ready? OK, Fannie! Take it off!"
(Men start roaring as Fannie removes T-Shirt, then takes off her dress pants, revealing a killer yellow bikini with emphasis on her, know. Men completely lose it)
Bill: "Goodness! She knows how to dress! Puppies! Puppies!"
Jerry: "Aggh! Welcome to the club, Bill! Puppies! Puppies!"
Bert: "OK! OK! We're not done yet, we've got one more competitor. Are you ready, Miz Betty? Let's end this match on a high note!"
(The famed burlesque music plays as Betty does a striptease..the men are in near horny mode. Finally, Betty is done and she's got a red bikini almost rivaling Fannie's.)

JR: "Good Lord, what a show! Now comes the moment of truth!"
Bert: "All right men, who's it going to be?"
Bert: "Is it safe to say it's going to be a tie?"
Bert: "OK, we have TWO WINNERS! The winners are in the Banana and Red sections! Fannie and Betty win the match!"(cheers)
JR: "I can't argue with that!" (Jerry and Bill are wide-eyed and slack jawed)
Patti: "Now wait! That's not fair!"
Debralee: "Oh shut up and take your George Monty Hall with you!" (she slaps Patti. Marcia takes offense and yanks Debralee by the hair. Elaine tries to stop fighting but is spanked by Marica. Then Fannie and Betty get involved.)
Bert: "Ladies, hold on! Whoa!" (he gets caught in the middle)
JR: "Well, I figured this was going to happen, a catfight. Unfortunately, we have to screw you over because we have another backstage segment."
Jerry and Bill: "Puppies! Puppies! Puppies!"

(Billy Mays, Wilford and the Bloussant Girl are talking)
Wilford: "Now, Encino's not too far from here. I can take my horse and Billy, you come along. But leave your damn Orange Glo crap here!"
Billy: "(cuckoo) you Brimley! At least can we hitch a cart?"
Bloussant Girl: "Hey, what about me?"
Wilford: "You got big could probably just bounce down the freeway in them."
Bloussant Girl: "But remember, we all get The Blank back here."
Billy: "Right!"

(Another backstage segment. Louie Anderson is eating donuts)

Louie: (unintelligible because of all the donuts he's shoving in his mouth)
Gary Kroger: "Dammit, Louie, don't you ever stop?"
Louie: "(in that voice of his) Leave me be, I'm eating."
Gary: "Fine!" (he walks off in disgust. As Louie continues to pack away the donuts, we see a shadow armed with a stick type weapon.)
Voice: "Show me DONUTS!" (Proceeds to club Louie over head. SFX of correct Family Feud answer plays. Crowd roars as it pans to reveal....Stone Cold!)
Bill: "Settle down, JR! Geez, he just came back, don't have a heart attack!"
(music plays as camera cuts in on Chuck Barris with his belt, carrying a gong)
Bill: "While JR's going off, we can tell you the Hardcore Gong match is coming up next!"

(fade out)
(fade in backstage interviewer is standing next to Chuck Barris)

Interviewer: "Chuckie Baby, you're getting ready for the Hardcore Gong Match. How eager are you looking forward to this?"
Chuck: "It's pretty cool! A lot of people are wondering how this will go, but we'll explain. Let's just say Barrisites won't be disappointed!" (walks off)

(another backstage seg...we see some hosts playing cards.)

Pat Sajak: "Alex, do you have a three?"
Alex Trebek: "What is 'Go Fish'?"
(Sajak grumbles as he draws his card)
Regis Philbin: "Monty, do you have a four?"
Monty Hall: "I may, but do you want to risk going for the four, or do you want to go for what's behind the box Carol Merrill is standing next to?"
Regis: "I'll go for the curtain. Final answer!"
Monty: "Let's see if you made a wise choice. Do I have a four? No, I do not! Let's show what's behind the box. (harp music and it reveals a very nice TV set) It looks like you made a wise choice, Regis!"
Jay Stewart: "Yes, it's a 22 inch High Definition Sony Color Television, featuring all the components of a regular Admiral TV, but now with a remote control, V-chip option, and a Tivo digital recorder. The total value of your deal is $1350!"
(rest of card playing hosts stop to applaud Regis)
Tom Bergeron: "Do you have a nine?"
Ray Combs: "Show me NINE!"
(Family Feud Board shows 'nine' as one of Ray's cards. Appropriate SFX as Ray hands Tom the card. We fade out as the emcees continue amusing themselves with their card game)

(fade in on arena, and a midget prances down the walkway)

Johnny O: "Our next match is the Harcore Gong Match, and it is for the Hardcore Title! Presenting our champion, the man who so graciously lent the GSWF use of his studios for tonight, the GSWF Hardcore Champion, CHUCK BARRIS!"
(Claps, but then there's chants of "Newlywed Game Sucks!")
Chuck: "Thank you, everybody! Now, I guess everybody wants to know how this is going to go...well, first, it is a Hardcore Gong match, so let's LOWER THE GONG!"
(The Gong Show gong is lowered into the ring)
JR: "Boy Barris sure doesn't spare any suspense with his work."
Bill: "Do remember the quality in most of Barris' stuff, though."
Chuck: "Now, to help me out in this match, I have three judges! (Judge Von Erik stands up to protest but is restrained by one of the Spanish announcers) Our first judge, you know him best as Corporal Klinger from 'MASH', Mr. Jamie Farr! (applause) Our second judge is a lady who needs no introduction from me...Miss Jaye P. Morgan! (cheers) And our third judge is somebody you also know and love, but makes one helluva mess....Mr. Dollar Ninety-Eight himself, Rip Taylor!" (applause)
JR: "I think I have an inkling of what's going on here!"
Chuck: "Now, as per Gong Show tradition, each judge as per his or her own decision, can use this mallet to gong a combatant. The winner is the person with the highest score, or the only person who isn't gonged. Now, we'll start the match, but first, these commercials!"
(fade out)

(fade back in on Chuck Barris in the ring.)

Chuck: "OK, the first combatant, come on down!"
Johnny O, from his seat: "Hey, watch it! That's MY line!"
(a man who looks like he's from Arkansas comes in the ring wearing a guitar)
Man: "Uh, I'm gonna sing a song about my ex-wife who done cheated on me with my dog in my pickup truck." (stars playing and singing)
Crowd: "GONG! GONG! GONG!"
(Finally, after about ten seconds of the guy singing, Jaye P. grabs the mallet, enters the ring, and strikes the gong. Crowd roars, while Milt DeLugg leads the orchestra in the "wha wha wha whaaaaa" cue.)
Chuck: "Oh, sorry about that! But wait just a second before I give you a parting gift." (he takes the guy's guitar and smashes it over the poor guy.)
JR: "Oh, and Chuckie Baby strikes the first blow! Let's see who the next lucky player will be."

(an overweight black woman comes in.)
Chuck: "OK, so what will your act be?"
Woman: "I'm gonna sing a song."
(Milt cues the orchestra, woman gets ready to sing)
Bill: "I don't like the sound of this..."
Woman: (singing) "Feelings! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa----"
(Rip hurls the mallet at the gong, nailing it dead center. Cue the "wha wha wha whaa" music)
Jerry: "Aggh!"
Chuck: "Rip, why did you do that?"
Rip: "I'm sick of hearing that damn (cuckoo, cuckoo!) song!"
Chuck: "OK. Come here, miss." (he takes a garbage can and whacks her over the head)
JR: "And right now Chuck Barris is in control. Let's see who's next."

(enter some weird looking people with space age outfits and costumes)
Chuck: "OK, What are you guys planning on doing."
(Jamie steals a page from Rip and tosses the mallet at the gong)
JR: "Now, they didn't even say what they were going to do and already they've been eliminated!"
Bill: "The judges are quite fickle tonight!"
Chuck: "Jamie? Why?"
Jamie: "I didn't want to chance it!"
(Chuck grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays down the band)
Bill: "Well, we're down to one competitor left, and based on what's going on, it looks like Chuckie Baby's going to retain."

Chuck: "Well, here we are, the final contestant! Come on down----WHAT???"
(The Gong Show's very own Gene the stagehand comes through the crowd, much to the delight of the ladies)
JR: "I guess 'Gene Gene' needed to make his big break. Let's see what he's going to do!"
Chuck: "Gene! What are you doing here?"
Gene: "I entered, Chuckie Baby! I'm gonna PUT ON A SHOW! Hit it!"
(His dancing music comes on and Gene the stagehand becomes "Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine".)
Bill: "He's stirring up the estrogen levels in the arena. Thirty seconds have gone by already, maybe he'll last the whole minute!"
Ladies: (chanting) "Gene! Gene! Gene!"
(Jaye P. is seen shaking her booty while Jamie and Rip clap along, Chuck is getting angry. Soon, it's fifty-five seconds.)
Ladies: "5! 4! 3! 2! 1!" (bell rings, ladies flip out)

JR: "And he does it! Gene the Dancing Machine has lasted the entire match! That means----"
Bill: "He's going over by Barris!"
(Gene picks up his boss and throws him into the gong. Barris loses consciousness immediately.)
JR: "And there's the ref in the ring...1! 2! 3! And it's over! We have a new Hardcore Champion!"
Johnny O: "The winner of this match, and NEW GSWF Hardcore Champion, Geeeeeene the Dancing Machine!" (ladies in the crowd start flipping out. Meanwhile, the midget, the judges, and some other people celebrate in the ring with the new champ)
JR: "Oh, my! And we've had TWO title changes tonight! What the hell else is going to happen?"

(backstage segment, the hosts continue playing cards)
Monty: "Two pair."
Alex: "I got a flush. OK, Vanna. Drop 'em."
(Vanna White, obviously p.oed, removes her shirt top)
Regis: "This is fun!"
Pat: "Fun for everybody except Vanna! Got a ten?"
Ray: "Survey Says! (buzzer sounds) All right, Vanna!"
(Vanna takes off her leather capri pants)
Tom: "I got a three pair."
Regis: "I got four aces! Lose the shoes, Vanna!"
(Vanna begins to remove her heels as we cut to another backstage segment)

(However....this isn't backstage...this is the California Interstate)
Wilford: "Well, we're not far from Encino!"
Billy: "We may not be, but it's gonna take forever because you're so damn fat?"
Wilford: "Watch your (cuckoo) mouth, boy! You've got all your damn products with you!"
Bloussant Girl: (bouncing down the interstate with her boobs) "Thissss--issssn't ffffffunnnn!"
JR: "Well, those fools are on their way!"
Bill: "One can only imagine what happens should they find The Blank."
JR: "It's not looking good for him, let me tell you that! Time for some ads! Thankfully, nothing to do with those three loonies!"
(fade out)

(Johnny O. in ring)
Johnny O.: "Hide the wives and children...our next match is the dreaded HELL IN A CELL Match! (crowd cheers) Lower the cell! (a steel cell type cage is slowly lowered onto the ring) (cue 80s PYL theme) Our first challenger, comes to us from the 80s Press Your Luck, here he is, 80s Whammy!"(the 80s Whammy comes out, crowd gives lukewarm response)
JR: "This is quite interesting...the first time in GSWF history two animated characters go at it. There were rumors for years about the Tic Tac Dough dragon taking on the Devil from The Joker's Wild, but those never came to fruition."
(Whammy! TANPYL theme plays)
Johnny O.: "And the challenger from the 2002 update of Press Your Luck, Whammy!" (Whammy enters, gets the same response)
Jerry: "What, no Tammy Whammette? Booo!"
Bill: "Jerry, if you're getting orgasmic over an animated comment."
JR: "The rules of Hell in a Cell state that the match does not end until there is a three count fall or unless somebody does something really stupid. That last part happened at the Royal Blanking Rumble in January when Wink Martindale attempted to piledrive Patrick Wayne off the cage and onto a table."

(Bell rings, and the Whammies have at it with anvils, sledgehammers, bombs, etc. This goes on for some time)
Jerry: "Wow, they're really going at it!"
Bill: "Yeah....but I have a slight question. Animated cartoon characters don't really get killed, do they?"
JR: "That's true, Bill."
Bill: "So this should mean this match is going to last for a while."
JR: "Yeah...oh no! Bill, I think I get what you're saying! Somebody's gotta stop the carnage!"
(the Whammies continue fighting, then all of a sudden Todd and Peter rush the cage, armed with large pink things.)
Whammy!: "What's that!"
Todd: "The only way we can kill cartoon characters! Ready, Peter!"
80s Whammy: "C'mon, Peter, we're buds, right?"
Bill: "I smell rubber!"
Todd: "Here we go! It's Erasin' Time!"(he and Peter start attacking the Whammies with the erasers)
JR: "OH MY GOD, IT'S BRUTAL! THE WHAMMIES ARE GETTING ERASED!"(pretty soon there's nothing left of the Whammies. The bell rings)Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of this match, Todd Newton and Peter Tomarken!"(crowd cheers as the two shake hands)

JR: "And once again a bizarre finish to a classic match! The Whammies have been sent into game show oblivion!"
Bill: "This night is getting more bizarre by the minute."

(backstage segment..yep, the Strip Cards game....Vanna is down to her bra and panties)
Monty: "OK, guess the card!"
Ray: "Uhhh...King!"Monty: "Nope, it's a four! Vanna, take it alll off!"
(Vanna begins to when all of a sudden a group of people start attacking)
Tom: "AGGH, it's Robinson and the B**** Brigade!"
(Anne Robinson lays havoc to the table)
Anne: "You all are Weakest Links! Goodbye!"(just as she's about to injure Monty, Ray, Pat, Alex, Tom, and Regis, Tom Kennedy storms into the room, hitting Anne and sending her in through the window)
Tom K.: "Didja hear? Dawson's back!"
Ray: "You're kidding! That's awesome!"
Tom K.: "Even better, he just put Louie Anderson out of action for a long time!"
Regis: "That's even better!"
Alex: "What about The Blank? What about him?"
Tom K.: "Vince sent the Ad Morons to Encino...he may be there!"
Pat: "Goodness, that doesn't sound good."
Monty: "But Pat, you do have to remember that we don't call him 'Gene-ius' for nothing."
Everybody: "Oh, yeah....."
Tom B.: "C'mon, let's welcome Dawson back!"
Everybody: "Yeah! Whoo-hoo!" (they all leave)

(we see Paul Lynde and Charo discussing their strategies for their match later on)Paul: "Charles always wears that scarf...I can use it to choke him, and you use your boobies and her pearls against her! Ohhhh, this is going to be exciting!"
Charo: "Kootchie Kootchie!"

(Cut to the California freeway. The idiot pitchfolk continue their journey, and as we see a sign saying "Encino, 10 miles", we fade)
(fade in)

JR: "And we're back to the---" (reception starts getting crappy, then goes out completely. Then....)
Announcer: "Welcome back to the Maury Povich show! (audience applauds) Today's show, 'Damn, My Momma Dresses Like a Ho!' And once again, here's your host, Maury Povich!" (audience applauds)
Maury: "Hi, and welcome back to the Maury Povich show! On today's show, we have some next child is Gerald, whose mother usually is in her bra and panties 24 hours a day. Gerald, can you tell me about your mother?"
Gerald: "Damn Maury, my momma dresses like a damn hooker! Every damn day, there she is in that same damn outfit! Damn, damn, damn!" (audience applauds)Maury: "Well, let's see what your mother says. Let's roll the tape."
Mother: "What-evah! What-evah! I wear what-evah I want! I don't want no (bleep) kid telling me what to (bleep) wear!" (audience boos)
Maury: "OK, Gerald, let's bring out your mother, Takeeshah!"
(Takeeshah, dressed like a hooker, enters, does some stuff that gets bleeped)Takeeshah: "What-evah! What-evah! Maury, What-evah!"
Off Camera Voice: "THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE THIS TALK SHOW CRAP NO MORE!" (the person rushes in wielding a chair. It's Wink Martindale)
Wink: (grabbing chair) "I'm sick of it! You killed the game show genre with all your trailer trash redneck garbage! Now it's time to reclaim daytime for the game shows!"
Takeeshah: "What-evah!"(Wink whacks her with the chair)
Maury: "Face it Winkster, the game show genre is dead and buried and there's nothing you can-----" (all of a sudden Maury is incinerated, and we see the Tic Tac Dough Dragon)
Wink: "Damn, Dragon! You saved the damn day! Damn, damn, damn! Now let's get back to GSN RAW!" (reception goes out, and we cut back in on our stunned announcers)

JR: "We apologized for that technical difficulty, which resulted in our viewers missing the big Celebrity Battle Royal. In an upset, Henry Polic II won the extravaganza by knocking out Wally Cox. The big highlight though was when Joan Rivers got a chair upside the head at the hands of Shelley Smith. Great stuff, and we apologize greatly for that little incident."
Bill: "It was, as you say it, hellacious."
JR: "That's right! Coming up next, are you ready to swim with the Card Sharks? That's right, it's Perry versus Bullard, next!" (fade out)

At this point in the original story, I've reached the halfway point. Since this is too messed up to take in at once, part one ends. In the conclusion, stay tuned for Barker vs. Eubanks, the Higher or Lower Match, Brett/CNR vs. Lynde/Charo, and the Hot Potato match. Also, cameo appearances by Peter Marshall, Chuck Woolery and Rolf Benirschke.


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