GSWF Retro: The Conclusion of the First GSN RAW!
Welcome back to another installment of GSWF Retro, a reposting of the three original tales of the Game Show Wrestling Federation. Here now is the conclusion of GSN RAW. When we last joined the gang, all Hades broke loose....
(back to arena, people still screaming at the sight of RosieLouZilla. Monty Hall is consulting a book of spells, Tom Kennedy is quaking, Vanna's jaw has dropped, and Pat Sajak is passed out from fright)
Tom B.: "Come on, Monty! Find the chant for big fat monsters!"
Monty: "Shut up! I'm trying, I'm trying!"
Richard: "It's too late! It's leaving the arena!"
Regis: "It's headed toward Encino!"
(hosts scream again. Cut to arena and crowd is screaming, cut to announcers screaming, cut to more animals screaming, cut to Charley Weaver and Co. at the Old Folks home screaming, cut back to hosts screaming)
Tom K.: "Well, let's stop screaming and breathe a sigh of relief!"
Alex: "What do you mean? RosieLouZilla is going to cause a path of destruction as long as the San Andreas Fault!"
Monty: "Oh, crap! There is no chant for big fat monsters!"
Tom B.: "So what are we going to do?"
Richard: "First, we wake up Sajak, then we stay here and wait to see if The Blank comes."
Regis: "But it's headed towards Encino!"
Richard: "Oh, double hamburgers. Ready, everybody? Scream!"
(Everybody in the arena and other places start screaming, and in a case of whiz bang production work, we cut to the Encino Motel where Helen is screaming as Billy Mays assaults her husband)
Wilford: "Do it, Billy!"
Bloussant Girl: "And make it quick!"
(Gene just stands there and watches Billy lunge at him. Just as it appears Billy is about to spear him, he steps aside. Billy runs pell mell into the wall and gets his head stuck. Helen continues screaming, and all of a sudden Rolf the clerk appears)
Rolf: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? (looks first at Gene, then Wilford and Bloussant Girl, then Billy in the wall.) Dammit! I'm sick of people coming in here and causing damage on my shift! It always happens! Geez!"
Wilford: "Oh, shut up!" (he attempts to punch Rolf but then)
Bloussant Girl: "(Cuckoo!) Wilford, did you check your blood sugar?"
Billy: "Mmph mmph mph mphh!"
Rolf: "God, noo!"
(back at arena)
Hosts, Crowd, and Announcer: "AGGGHHHH!"
(back to hotel)
Wilford: "Okay! Check it now!"
(drops his trousers. Wilford is blurred out by GSN censors. Rolf starts puking)Bloussant Girl: "OK, checked it!"
(silence. Helen shuts up. Gene just stands there.)
Rolf: "God, now look at what I've done! God!"
Billy: "Rmmph!"
Gene: (to Billy) "Shut up!" (kicks Billy in the posterior)
Wilford: "Where were we?"
Cameraman: "You moron, you're supposed to beat up Gene here and drag him back to the arena. Damn stupid old man."Wilford: "Who are you calling stupid?"
Rolf: "So that's what you idiots are doing! Damn wrestling! This crap's fake, you know!"
(Crowd in arena gasps)
Cameraman: "You (cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo)!"
Billy: (well, we can't translate it because it'd be nothing but cuckoos)
Bloussant Girl: "You men! Can't do anything!" (walks up to Gene and slaps him good)
Helen: "Don't slap my husband, tramp!" (throws lamp at Bloussant Girl, knocking her out cold. Crowd in arena loses it Wilford starts beating the hell out of Gene) JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "DAMN!"
Jerry: "A-"
Crowd: "WAIT, DON'T TELL US! AGGH!"
Rolf: "Aggghhh! Enough! All of you just get the hell out of here!"
Cameraman: "C'mon, what's a little set damage? It makes for great TV!"
Rolf: "Why did I ever replace Pat Sajak for that time? Why?"
(While everyone is busy bickering over set damage and such, the TV gets louder)TV Anchorman: "This is a special report! A giant donut obsessed Koosh ball flinging monster is headed for Encino. According to witnesses, the monster looks like a hybrid between Louie Anderson and Rosie O'Donnell. We're all doomed."
Rolf: "And guess where he's going to head?"
(cut to the Super 8 Lounge, where the TV is also playing. Everyone just looks)Chuck: "Great, the night we get off from wrestling, and this crap happens!"
Jim Peck: "Man! And we didn't get to hear 'The Silly Song'!"
(cut back to Encino Motel, where the smacketh is continuing to be layethed down on some roody poo candy blanks)
Wilford: "You're-thwack-coming-thwack-back-to the-arena-thwack-and-get-killed-thwack-by-thwack-Burger!" (stops beating on Gene)
Rolf: "Look at the blood!"
(by now, Billy has pried himself from the wall)
Billy: "Bloodstains? Try my new Oxi Clean and----"
Rolf: "That's it! I'm sick of this damned crap!" (runs toward Billy and beats him senseless. Rolf then turns his attention towards Wilford, starts doing a barrage of moves on him.)
Wilford: "You need to check your blood pressure!"
(Gene stands up, grabs Helen, and gets the hell out of Dodge, or Encino)
Rolf: "And you're going to need your f(cuckoo)ing Liberty Medical! (Gives Wilford a pedigree. The idiot pitchfolk are out cold. Rolf looks around and sees the cameraman) Hey, where'd he go?"
Cameraman: (smiling) "He's going to Hollywood and kick some blank!"
Rolf: "You're kidding me! That's The Blank?"
Cameraman: "You're damn straight! Now, I'm going to need a ride."
Rolf: "Damn, then, come on! Let's get going! Are we going to tail them?"
Cameraman: "By God, they're going to need a ride, aren't they?"
(Rolf and Cameraman run into parking lot where they see Gene and Helen looking for a ride)
Cameraman: "You two! Come on!"
Gene: "What the hell's going on?"
Helen: "Don't worry about him, cameraman. He's just confused!"
Rolf: "Just get in, and where are we headed?"
Cameraman: "The Chuck Barris Studio!"
Gene: "I'm driving!"
Rolf: "No way! This ain't a rental!"
Cameraman: "Dammit Rolf! This is making for some great TV! Just get in the back!"
(the four get in and the car takes off for Hollywood)
JR: "HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!"
Bill: "Whoo-hoo!"
Jerry: "Aggh! I can't believe it!"
(the hosts backstage are watching the action from Encino)
Tom B.: "Did you hear that? He's coming!"
(Sajak passes out again as Monty tosses the book aside, Regis finally gets Tom Kennedy to stop shaking, and Richard and Vanna make out in the corner there)
(of course, this also doesn't go unnoticed by two shady looking figures in the back.)
Vince: "I told you, by any means possible, you'd get The Blank."
Michael: "Hell yeah. This is going to be good. Real, real good."
JR: "The stage has been set! The ring has been cleaned! Coming up, our main event, the Hot Potato match! Oh my God!"
Bill: "He's coming here! Good Lord almighty!"
(fade out, then in on Dick Clark sitting in a nice looking office)
Dick: "Hi, I'm Dick Clark. A lot of you may sit here and read this and wonder, how can our booking staff be so violence obsessed? Yes, they know in real life probably 100 percent of this wouldn't happen, but they write this story with the utmost of respect for all those mentioned. The bookers try hard to keep you, the reader, entertained, and they hope that this edition of GSN Raw kept you amused and wanting more. Well, after this, tomorrow night we'll tape the Smackdown Plus program, and we'll take it from there. This story may be weak at points, but promise us, you will not be disappointed overall. Thanks for reading."
(fade out)
(fade in on California freeway, where people are running and driving as if it was a Godzilla movie)
RosieLouZilla: "DOOONUTTTTSS....KOOOOOOOSHHHH..."
(people continue screaming as the monster ambles down the freeway)
(back to backstage, the hosts continue cowering)
Regis: "Is he gone?"
Alex: "I, I think so!"
Monty: "We can only stand here and pray it doesn't destroy California."
Both Toms: "You don't say!"
Ray: "Wake up, fool!" (kicks Sajak in the stomach. Sajak wakes up)
Pat: "Isss---is it gone?"
Richard: "Good news, yes. Bad news, it got loose."
Pat: "Oh, okay..."
(apparently RosieLouZilla must be a fast ambler, because now it's reached the Encino city limits and has smelled the scent of an emcee. It heads for the Super 8)RosieLouZilla: "MMM....Game show hosts...."
(It barges into the lounge. Patrons start screaming and musicians run for cover)Bouncer: "Hey, you can't come in here----NOOOO!"
(RosieLouZilla thinks the man is a cruller and proceeds to devour him. Jim and Chuck stare wide-eyed)
Bartender: "Damn! Hey, you fat monster, you just can't come in here and---EEEEK!"
(RosieLouZilla eats the bartender, then sets his eyes on the cowering Peter Marshall)
Peter: "I've heard of big egos, but this is ridiculous!"
Chuck: "Peter! Come on!"
(he and Jim grab Peter just in the nick of time and get the hell out of the lounge. Once outside, they start running around and screaming because their vehicle's been taken out.)
Jim: "This sucks! We're gonna get eaten by a big stupid monster!"
Peter: "I'd rather have had the Squares grid collapse on me then to get eaten to death!"
Chuck: "We need a stopper! A Terminator! Anything!"
(a car is driving, hell bent on reaching Hollywood. Apparently the driver recognizes the hosts because the car stops, and the window rolls down)
RosieLouZilla, in background: "MMM, CARRR....."
Chuck: "Gene! What the?"
Gene: "Get in! Get in!"
Jim: "But, what about the---"
Peter: "Let's not talk about this! Let's get the blue heck outta here!"
(Chuck, Jim and Peter climb in and Gene speeds off)
RosieLouZilla: "Carrrr!"
Rolf: "Drive faster! Drive faster!"
Gene: "This car can't go any faster! (to three emcees in backseat with Cameraman) Buckle yourselves in!"
Cameraman: "Dammit!"
RosieLouZilla: "Carrrr, come baaaaack!"
Chuck: "It's getting closer!"
Jim: "Where the hell are we at?"
(this car must be one of those Speed Racer vehicles, probably why Rolf didn't want to use it. We see the Hollywood city limits)
Cameraman: "We're in Hollywood!"
Peter: "How far are we from the arena?"
Chuck and Jim: "THE ARENA?"
Gene: "I'm driving this damn car and getting tailed by this ugly entity back to the arena???"
Helen: "You owe me BIG TIME, Gene!"
(We can't hear what Gene says next because RosieLouZilla lets out a roar. The car continues ambling down the road)
Rolf: "Exit sign, Chuck Barris Studio, one mile!"
Chuck: "The guys in the back ain't going to like this."
Cameraman: "Here's the exit! Turn! Turn!"
Gene: "Hang on!"
(the car makes a turn so sharp--HOW SHARP IS IT?--that Rolf is flung out the side)
Jim: "Rolf! NOOOOO!"
Peter: "Turn back! Turn back!"
Cameraman: "It's too late! Look!"
Rolf, on pavement: "Guys! Wait! Wait---oh, sh(cuckoo)!)
(sees the shadow of RosieLouZilla. The car screeched to a halt)
RosieLouZilla: "MMM, Long johnnnn.." (grabs Rolf)
Rolf: "Hey! Don't! Noo!"
Cameraman: "Oh my God!"
(Chuck, Jim and Peter scream. Cut back to the backstage area where the hosts scream, then the crowd, then the announcers etc. etc. Cut back to car occupants screaming)
Rolf: "Pleeeze! Do you want me on account for later? I'm too young to die!"
RosieLouZilla: "Long john...."
Gene: "You don't need to see this!" (covers Helen's eyes)
JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Everybody else: "AGGGGHHHH!"
(RosieLouZilla drops Rolf in its mouth. Chuck passes out. Jim's jaw drops. Peter starts quaking again)
Cameraman: "Good Lord!"
(RosieLouZilla swallows, then rubs its tummy)
RosieLouZilla: "Mmm, yummmy..." (it starts heading for the car)
Cameraman: "Damn it! DRIVE!"
Jim: "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-go!"
Peter: "We're all gonna die!"
(Just as RosieLouZilla towers over the car, it stops, then clutches its stomach)
Cameraman: "Wait! What's it doing?"
Peter: "I think it's got a stomachache!"
Gene: "Maybe athletes turned Wheel of Fortune hosts don't agree with it. (pauses) Let's get the hell out of here!"
Jim: "That's the most intelligent thing I've heard all night!"
(RosieLouZilla groans loudly and begins to slowly---you guessed it, fall. Gene gets the car in gear and once again drives off hell bent for the Chuck Barris Studio.)Cameraman: "It's falling!"
Peter: "God almighty!"
(The car is out of harm's way, but there's no intention on stopping)
Jim: "There it goes!"
(RosieLouZilla hits the ground with a loud, and I mean loud, thud. The car goes up five feet in the air, reviving Chuck, who looks down and starts screaming hysterically)
Peter: (slaps Chuck) "Calm down! Calm down!"
(the car once again reaches land, but the shocks are shot as a result.)
Cameraman: "Damn! That's great---" (he looks up and sees the familiar arena sign bearing Chuckie Baby's name)
Helen: "Are we dead?"
Jim: "Funny, I was asking the same question."
Chuck: "We're not! We're here! The arena!"
(crowd roars)
Cameraman: "You mean, we got flung here? Holy crap, I think I better submit my resignation notice tomorrow."
(everybody climbs out)
Cameraman: "All right, here we go. (to Gene) You know this means I'm not responsible if you get your --- whipped again."
Peter: "They want you bad."
Jim: "If you want, we'll keep your wife here with us."
Chuck: "I don't think he heard."
(the Scrabble master is right, for both The Blank and the cameraman are gone)Peter: "Now that he's gone, anybody for some tic tac toe!"
Jim: "Sure! You and Helen can go against Chuck and me! Now, we need a tic tac toe board."
Chuck: "You dummy!" (points to the dead RosieLouZilla)
Jim: "Sweet!"
(RAW theme plays as we see some chefs with a large tray of hot potatoes)
JR: "HERE WE GO! THE HOT POTATO MATCH! NEXT!"
Bill: "We got a combination here guaranteed to make you say--"
Everybody: "AGGH!"
(fade out, then in on plug)
Announcer: "Nothing beats watching the GSWF Live! Tuesday we hit the Bob Barker Studio! On Saturday, we run amuck in the Staples Center! Sunday night we rock the Rockefeller Center. And Monday night, GSN RAW IS WAR at the Madison Square Garden! Call your local Ticketmaster for information. See the GSWF LIVE!"
(fade out)
(backstage, the hosts are still freaking out when they hear the thud)
Regis: "What the Hell was that?"
Alex: "It sounded like a giant fat monster falling down dead."
Monty: "Oh, just that---"
Everybody: "A FAT MONSTER FALLING DOWN DEAD! WHOO HOO!"
Tom B.: "Great!"
Tom K.: "This is too cool!"
Ray: "Yeahhh!"
Pat: "Where is it?"
Richard: "Sounds like it came from the parking lot!"
Regis: "That far, eh?"
(the hosts run through the damaged backstage area and turn the corner when they run into a horrid disaster scene. Injured crew members and the like are scattered all over the place)
Makeup lady: "Is it--ow!--gone?"
Hairstylist: "I can't feel my legs!"
Monty: "OK, everybody hang on, we'll have you out in no time!"
(the hosts and Vanna start pulling away wreckage and aiding injured crew members. As they do this, we hear the voice of the cameraman)
Cameraman: "And Burger wants you to fight him, and we don't know when, but if he knows you're here--"
Alex: "I hear the cameraman."
Regis: "It's not the only thing I hear."
Cameraman: "And he's even putting the belt on the line---"
Richard: "By crackee, Gene, take it!"
Alex: "Yeah, do it!"
(Gene enters with the cameraman. The hosts take one look and flip)
Cameraman (looking at the damage): "What the hell happened here?"
Pat: "Well, Dickie here beat up Louie Anderson---"
Tom B.: "And then Rosie did some voodoo---"
Tom K.: "And there was this big donut eating Koosh ball flinging monster---"
Ray: "And it got loose----"
Vanna: "And it terrorized the region!"
Regis: "But it's still on the loose, right?"
Cameraman: "Actually, it's dead as a doornail. Thanks to one of our former colleagues."
(the backstage hosts realize the cameraman means Rolf)
Pat: "But still, he saved us. And that's what matters."
Monty: "Yeah. But Gene, you shouldn't be here!"
Alex: "Hell, no! Michael Burger's been going raving nuts all night demanding you fight him."
Regis: "But by God, we'll protect you and--" (Gene holds up his hand and Regis shuts up)
Richard: "Come on!"
Tom B.: "Give Mikey hell!"
Gene: "Where's Earl? (crowd roars)
Richard: "He's in the locker room. You're gonna do it, aren't you?"
Gene: "Hell yeah!" (he and Richard walk off, leaving Cameraman with the rest of the hosts)
Tom K.: "Well, we've always regarded him as the wild one."
Alex: "This is gonna be good!"
JR: "OH MY! Stay tuned, it's gonna get exciting!"
(fade out)
(cut to arena...we hear some British type music playing as we see chefs wheeling carts into ring)
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is the Hot Potato match, and it is for the GSWF Intercontinental Championship. First, the challenger! (Password theme plays, crowd roars) From Wisconsin, he is the one, the only Allen Ludden!"
(Allen enters the ring, fans chant his name)
(Inquizitor music plays, crowd boos)
Johnny O.: "And his challenger, who refused to reveal location and such, he is the GSWF Intercontinental Champion, The Inquizitor!"
(booing)
JR: "Here we go with the Hot Potato Match."
Jerry: "This is going to be exciting! Whoo-hoo!"
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, once again we have a special guest host. Here he is, the Hot Potato host himself, our resident first commentator, Bill Cullen!!"
(crowd just absolutely flips as Bill makes his entrance into the ring.)
Crowd: (chanting) "BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!"
Bill: "Thank you, thank you so much. But please, settle down or we'll never be able to get this match underway. Now, many of you are probably familar with my show Hot Potato, even though GSN decided to play it ad nauseum which offended some. Now, I have to explain the rules for this match. I will give a subject, which could have up to ten possible answers, to our champion, Mr. Inquizitor. He will either give an answer or he can force his challenger, Mr. Ludden, to answer. Game play will go back and forth in this match. Should one of our competitors give an incorrect answer, his opponent will be given a hot potato to do as he pleases to the incorrect player. After that happens, we move to another subject. The match will go on until one competitor is in too much pain to continue. Are you two ready?"
Inquizitor: "Prepare to meet your doom, Password man!"
Allen: "I've been waiting for this for a long time!"
(Judge Von Erik rings the bell)
Bill: "OK, here we go with our first subject. Mr. Inquizitor, the subject is 'Hollywood Squares' personalities. This will include regulars and semi regulars. However, it does not include the emcee. So please, do not be an idiot and give 'Peter Marshall' as an answer. Will you give an answer or force Mr. Ludden to answer?"
Inquizitor: "He knows squat about the show! I'll pass!"
Bill: "Mr. Ludden?"
Allen: "PAUL LYNDE!" (bell dings)
Bill: "That's correct! Inquizitor?"
Inquizitor: "Charley Weaver!" (bell dings)
Bill: "Correct! Allen?"
Allen: "Rose Marie!" (bell dings)
Inquizitor: "Wally Cox!" (bell dings)
Allen: "George Gobel!" (bell dings)
Inquizitor: "Hmm, let me see...uhh, Richard Nixon?"
(buzzer sounds, crowd cheers)
Bill: "And you gave a completely off the board answer. For the record, Nixon was made fun of, but never appeared on Hollywood Squares. Allen, please take a potato!"
(Allen grabs one spud and presses it against the Inquizitor's forehead, causing him much pain. We can't see if it made a burn because of the costume he wears)
Bill: "All right. We move on to our next subject, 'Game Show Models.' Ready? Allen, you have control."
Allen: "Holly Halstrom!" (bell dings)
Inquizitor: "Janice Pennington!" (ding!)
Allen: "Carol Merrill!" (ding!)
Inquizitor: "Dian Parkinson!" (ding!)
Allen: "Anitra Ford!" (ding)
JR: "I think this is going to be a safe round here."
Inquizitor: "Chantal Dubay!"
Allen: "Damn! I can't think of any more!"
Bill: "Crap, Allen! That means Inquizitor gets use of a potato. I can't watch!"
(The Inquizitor grabs the whole damned bowl and pretty much screws himself out of winning legitly. Typical wrestling finish.)
Allen: "Aggh, the pain! The pain!"
Bill: "OK, Inquizitor, you won, you sonofa(cuckoo)! You can stop!"
Inzquizitor: "No, you gimpy fool!"
Bill: "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME GIMPY!"
(Bill, unbelievably, grabs his podium and whacks the Inquizitor upside the head. Inquizitor falls. Bill then mercilessly kicks the dark figure)
Crowd, not quite figuring what to do: "BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!"
Inquizitor: "Stop! Stoooop!"
JR: "Bill Cullen, beating the hell out of the Inquizitor!"
Allen: "Take off his costume!"
Crowd: "TAKE IT OFF, BILL!"
(in the back, Monty, Regis, Pat, Alex, Vanna, and the two Toms, along with Cameraman, watch Bill's beatdown on Inquizitor)
Hosts: "Take it off Bill! Show no mercy!"
(at the old folks home, we see Charley and the old folks)
Charley and Co.: "Take it off, Bill! Who is it!"
Bill: "All right! Let's see who this 'Inquizitor really is!" (In "Scooby Doo" fashion, Bill grabs the cape and stuff and jerks it off in one pull, revealing....)
JR and Jerry: "AMY MACGUFFIN???"
Crowd: "AMY MACGUFFIN!"
(backstage....)
Regis: "Holy crap! Amy MacGuffin???"
(outside, Peter, Jim and Chuck look up)
Those three: "HER?"
Helen, overseeing the game: "Shut up! Your move, Woolery!"
(at the home..)
Charley: "That broad?"
(Richard and Gene watch in a dressing room...Richard does a spit take)
Gene: "I'll be damned!"
Richard: "The show still sucks, though!"
(Vince and Michael are watching in another dressing room)
Michael: "I don't believe it!"
Vince: "Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!"
(back to ring, where Bill and Allen just stand there looking, then burst out laughing)
Bill: "God, for a moment, you actually scared me! Ha ha ha!"
Allen: "Goodness, I--I---I----Ha ha ha!"
Amy: "Yes, it's me! I warned all of you about the Inquizitor! I thought my plan would work! If you actually listened to my lies about 'Exposing The Inquizitor', I'd top even the Newlywed Game in ratings! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you damn meddling hosts!"
(Bill and Allen are just in stitches, crowd is laughing too. Amy, in a hissy fit, grabs her title and leaves)
Allen: "Bill, that was too sweet! My stomach hurts laughing!"
Bill: "This was the most fun I had since you and Gene and I went to Chris Harrison's house and toilet papered his trees and egged his windows!"
Allen: "You weren't supposed to say that!"
Bill: "Oops! Lemme get back to the announce position so I can deny everything the way Lawler tried denying he was banging some chicks in Encino!"
Jerry: "Hey, I wasn't! Aggh!"
JR: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've had a great night of wrestling and---"
(Vince and Michael appear on the Titantron)
Vince: "We're not quite done yet! We still have the MAIN EVENT!"
Michael: "Yes, and when we're done, you people are going to regret ever poking fun of me as Match Game host!"
(Cameraman finds the other dressing room)
Richard: "(mockingly in a Lynde-esque voice) And you people are going to regret mocking me! Eeeeeenhhh!"
(Gene laughs)
Cameraman: "Hey, idiot! He's gonna kill you!"
Richard: "Well, if they play dirty, we play dirty too!"
Cameraman: "Well, uh (tries to find something to say)...How do you do that Paul Lynde imitation, a bunch of us cameramen have been trying to do it for ages..."
(Music plays)
Richard: "What's that?"
Gene: "Commercials."
Richard: "Oh."
(fade out, then in on another dumb ad)
Announcer: "On the next episode of 'The Whammies', Fang makes a mess."
Tammy Whammette: "Fang, you (bleep!) dog! Stop (bleep!) all over the (bleep!) carpet!"
Whammy: "(bleep bleep bleeeeeep!)"
Announcer: "And they discover Joey Whammy has something to hide."
Tammy: "(holding joint) (BLEEEEEPPP!) When did you start lighting up (bleep!), you (bleeep!)"
Joey: "Don't (bleep!)ing oppress me, you (bleep!)"
Announcer: "Yep, that's The Whammies, America's newest dysfunctional game show family! Tuesday nights after Family Feud, on Game Show Network!"
(fade out)
(Another commercial, we hear that NBC announcer)
NBC Announcer: "Monday night, on a shocking new Fear Factor, the ultimate gross out stunt."
Joe Rogan: "Remember when we asked you all to wait until a few minutes ago to use the bathroom?" (contestants gasp)
NBC Announcer: "That's right, we give 'toiletry' a new meaning, on Fear Factor! Then, on the Weakest Link, watch as Rick James beats up the producers for doing a crappy parody of his even crappier original. That's Fear Factor and the Weakest Link, thank God, only on NBC!"
GSN Announcer: "Up next, watch the show that's played as much as TNN plays 'Star Trek, the Next Generation'...The Newlywed Game, followed by 80s Newlywed Game, then the New Newlywed Game!"
(cut back to GSN RAW)
Announcer: "And now the 'Zonk of the Night,' brought to you by Dicker and Dicker of Beverly Hills. Who knew you could look so good in fur?"
(cue tape of Bill Cullen stripping the Inquizitor)
Announcer: "That was the Zonk of the Night, brought to you by Dicker and Dicker!"
(cut to JR, Bill and Jerry in announce position)
JR: "That was one helluva match, Bill! You unmasked the Inquizitor! One can only wonder what Vince and the GSNWO's reaction was----"
(we hear a loud kaboom as something flies from out of the floor and lands in the ring)
Bob Eubanks: "Holy crap! Where are we?"
JR: "It's the Bobs, and Bill Rafferty!"
Jerry: "But I thought they had a one way ticket down south!"
Bob Barker: "Bill, thank God you had that bungee cord!"
Bill: "I'm surprised GSN could afford it! Whoa!"
Bob E.: "So how long were we gone?"
Bill: "The way it looks, we missed a few matches. (looks around) Where's the girls?"
(the three get out of the ring and start looking, and we hear "No Chances" play. Crowd realizes it's time to boo and start swear-chanting)
JR: "Well, I thought we were done, but apparently Vince thinks otherwise."
Bill: "Well, he did imply we would be having a main event tonight, all the components are here...this could get interesting."
Vince: "Well, well, well!"
Crowd: "BOOOOOOO!"
Vince: "Michael, your challenger is here!"
(crowd continues booing)
Michael, grabbing mic: "And it's about time! Let's take care of this, and now!"
(Crowd is swearing and stuff. All of a sudden, some people in the crowd stand up)Stone Cold Steve Austin: "WHAT? I want a title shot!"
Undertaker: "No way! He's mine, at Judgment Day!"
Chris Jericho: "I'm going to beat the has-bean at Smackdown!"
Gilbert Gottfried, in audience: "YOU FOOLS! You're at the wrong show!"
Stone Cold: "WHAT?"
Gilbert: "This is GSN Raw, not WWF Raw! They're in Burbank!"
Stone Cold, Undertaker, and Jericho: "OH! OKAY!" (they leave)
JR: "Some of our WWF colleagues, obviously confused. But it was a nice cameo appearance."
Michael: "I'm waiting, Blank!"
(as if we really were not expecting it [duh!], the MG '7X theme starts playing. Half the crowd loses control of their lower bodies, Vince looks up, the other half of the arena, apparently the female half, start screaming, and the WWF atmosphere is finally achieved. Good Lord.)
Crowd: (chanting) "WE WANT A! WE WANT A! WE WANT A!"(this goes on for some time until Gene motions the audience to settle down. Get ready for a promo. No, put down your remotes! Not that type of promo!)
Michael: (snidely) "Welcome back!"
(crowd boos)
Gene: "Nice of you to welcome me back. (makes "ehh" gesture with hand, crowd cheers) So let me guess, what have you been up to? Hmm, not much else but a pain in the BLANK!"
(loud cheers, Michael rushes to the edge of the ring but Vince holds him back)Michael: "Oooh, you're so tough, aren't you? Sooo tough that you decided to chicken out and hide for a month, huh?"
Gene: "Tougher than you, sissy boy!" (cheers. Michael rushes again)
JR: "The two not mincing their words."
(Michael paces the ring, then comes up with something interesting)
Michael: "OK! OK! Since you think you're so tough, Mr. Hotshot Emcee, let's see how tough you are! You versus me on Smackdown Plus, belt on the line!"
Crowd: "OOOOOOHHHHH!"
Gene: "Do you have a death wish or something? (cheers) I guess so, I have nothing better to do!"
Michael: "So you accept?"
Gene: "Does a cow give milk? Of course!"
JR: "We have our main event for Smackdown! The battle of the MG MCs!"
Bill: "Shut up already! Too bad there aren't any hot potatoes left over from that last match, I'd shove one down your throat!"
Jerry: "Aggh!"
Michael: "You know what? You made a very happy man! I'm going to end your career-ah!"
Gene: "You really do have a death wish! Can I add a stipulation?"
Michael: "Be my guest, you (cuckoo!)"
Gene: "Oh, good! You've heard about that infamous James/Parks cage match, haven't you? Ended both their careers? It was something called the Armageddon match. Steel cage, a ton of weapons, anything went until one guy got out or incapacitated the other?"
(Vince looks horrified, but he can't do anything about it since he let Gene add the stip)
Michael: "Yeah, so?"
Gene: "Don't you get it? I just chose the stipulation! You and me in an Armageddon Match!"
(the crowd gasps)
JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "You gotta be kidding me!"
Jerry: "God almighty! Agggghhhh!"
Michael: "Fine! I'll still whup you either way! Mark the calendar! Your career is done on S+!"
Crowd: "Holy (cuckoo)! Holy (cuckoo)! Holy (cuckoo)!"
JR: "OH MY! THE MAIN EVENT FOR SMACKDOWN PLUS HAS BEEN SET! GOOD LORD, AN ARMAGEDDON MATCH!"
Bill: "For God's sake, shut up already!" (punches JR in the gut)
Gene: "Now, would you mind shutting your blank and letting me be?"
Michael: "Hmm, let me think. NO!" (runs out of the ring and up the ramp. Gene senses what's coming, stands aside, and watches Michael hit the black screen. Burger staggers back, Gene punches him a few times, and for good measure flings him off the stage. Crowd goes berserk, Vince spazzes out, JR passes out from Bill's punch, Gene tosses down his mic and walks backstage as music plays)
Bill: "And that's gonna wrap it up for GSN RAW! What the heck's going to happen on Smackdown Plus, we'll find out. Good night!"
Copyright2002
Blanketyblank Productions in association with Mountain Dew
All Rights Reserved
...and that's how it went down that evening. Stay tuned for the re-air of the classic Smackdown Plus, coming soon to The Olson Files. And remember, new GSWF programming starts in November!
(back to arena, people still screaming at the sight of RosieLouZilla. Monty Hall is consulting a book of spells, Tom Kennedy is quaking, Vanna's jaw has dropped, and Pat Sajak is passed out from fright)
Tom B.: "Come on, Monty! Find the chant for big fat monsters!"
Monty: "Shut up! I'm trying, I'm trying!"
Richard: "It's too late! It's leaving the arena!"
Regis: "It's headed toward Encino!"
(hosts scream again. Cut to arena and crowd is screaming, cut to announcers screaming, cut to more animals screaming, cut to Charley Weaver and Co. at the Old Folks home screaming, cut back to hosts screaming)
Tom K.: "Well, let's stop screaming and breathe a sigh of relief!"
Alex: "What do you mean? RosieLouZilla is going to cause a path of destruction as long as the San Andreas Fault!"
Monty: "Oh, crap! There is no chant for big fat monsters!"
Tom B.: "So what are we going to do?"
Richard: "First, we wake up Sajak, then we stay here and wait to see if The Blank comes."
Regis: "But it's headed towards Encino!"
Richard: "Oh, double hamburgers. Ready, everybody? Scream!"
(Everybody in the arena and other places start screaming, and in a case of whiz bang production work, we cut to the Encino Motel where Helen is screaming as Billy Mays assaults her husband)
Wilford: "Do it, Billy!"
Bloussant Girl: "And make it quick!"
(Gene just stands there and watches Billy lunge at him. Just as it appears Billy is about to spear him, he steps aside. Billy runs pell mell into the wall and gets his head stuck. Helen continues screaming, and all of a sudden Rolf the clerk appears)
Rolf: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? (looks first at Gene, then Wilford and Bloussant Girl, then Billy in the wall.) Dammit! I'm sick of people coming in here and causing damage on my shift! It always happens! Geez!"
Wilford: "Oh, shut up!" (he attempts to punch Rolf but then)
Bloussant Girl: "(Cuckoo!) Wilford, did you check your blood sugar?"
Billy: "Mmph mmph mph mphh!"
Rolf: "God, noo!"
(back at arena)
Hosts, Crowd, and Announcer: "AGGGHHHH!"
(back to hotel)
Wilford: "Okay! Check it now!"
(drops his trousers. Wilford is blurred out by GSN censors. Rolf starts puking)Bloussant Girl: "OK, checked it!"
(silence. Helen shuts up. Gene just stands there.)
Rolf: "God, now look at what I've done! God!"
Billy: "Rmmph!"
Gene: (to Billy) "Shut up!" (kicks Billy in the posterior)
Wilford: "Where were we?"
Cameraman: "You moron, you're supposed to beat up Gene here and drag him back to the arena. Damn stupid old man."Wilford: "Who are you calling stupid?"
Rolf: "So that's what you idiots are doing! Damn wrestling! This crap's fake, you know!"
(Crowd in arena gasps)
Cameraman: "You (cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo)!"
Billy: (well, we can't translate it because it'd be nothing but cuckoos)
Bloussant Girl: "You men! Can't do anything!" (walks up to Gene and slaps him good)
Helen: "Don't slap my husband, tramp!" (throws lamp at Bloussant Girl, knocking her out cold. Crowd in arena loses it Wilford starts beating the hell out of Gene) JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "DAMN!"
Jerry: "A-"
Crowd: "WAIT, DON'T TELL US! AGGH!"
Rolf: "Aggghhh! Enough! All of you just get the hell out of here!"
Cameraman: "C'mon, what's a little set damage? It makes for great TV!"
Rolf: "Why did I ever replace Pat Sajak for that time? Why?"
(While everyone is busy bickering over set damage and such, the TV gets louder)TV Anchorman: "This is a special report! A giant donut obsessed Koosh ball flinging monster is headed for Encino. According to witnesses, the monster looks like a hybrid between Louie Anderson and Rosie O'Donnell. We're all doomed."
Rolf: "And guess where he's going to head?"
(cut to the Super 8 Lounge, where the TV is also playing. Everyone just looks)Chuck: "Great, the night we get off from wrestling, and this crap happens!"
Jim Peck: "Man! And we didn't get to hear 'The Silly Song'!"
(cut back to Encino Motel, where the smacketh is continuing to be layethed down on some roody poo candy blanks)
Wilford: "You're-thwack-coming-thwack-back-to the-arena-thwack-and-get-killed-thwack-by-thwack-Burger!" (stops beating on Gene)
Rolf: "Look at the blood!"
(by now, Billy has pried himself from the wall)
Billy: "Bloodstains? Try my new Oxi Clean and----"
Rolf: "That's it! I'm sick of this damned crap!" (runs toward Billy and beats him senseless. Rolf then turns his attention towards Wilford, starts doing a barrage of moves on him.)
Wilford: "You need to check your blood pressure!"
(Gene stands up, grabs Helen, and gets the hell out of Dodge, or Encino)
Rolf: "And you're going to need your f(cuckoo)ing Liberty Medical! (Gives Wilford a pedigree. The idiot pitchfolk are out cold. Rolf looks around and sees the cameraman) Hey, where'd he go?"
Cameraman: (smiling) "He's going to Hollywood and kick some blank!"
Rolf: "You're kidding me! That's The Blank?"
Cameraman: "You're damn straight! Now, I'm going to need a ride."
Rolf: "Damn, then, come on! Let's get going! Are we going to tail them?"
Cameraman: "By God, they're going to need a ride, aren't they?"
(Rolf and Cameraman run into parking lot where they see Gene and Helen looking for a ride)
Cameraman: "You two! Come on!"
Gene: "What the hell's going on?"
Helen: "Don't worry about him, cameraman. He's just confused!"
Rolf: "Just get in, and where are we headed?"
Cameraman: "The Chuck Barris Studio!"
Gene: "I'm driving!"
Rolf: "No way! This ain't a rental!"
Cameraman: "Dammit Rolf! This is making for some great TV! Just get in the back!"
(the four get in and the car takes off for Hollywood)
JR: "HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!"
Bill: "Whoo-hoo!"
Jerry: "Aggh! I can't believe it!"
(the hosts backstage are watching the action from Encino)
Tom B.: "Did you hear that? He's coming!"
(Sajak passes out again as Monty tosses the book aside, Regis finally gets Tom Kennedy to stop shaking, and Richard and Vanna make out in the corner there)
(of course, this also doesn't go unnoticed by two shady looking figures in the back.)
Vince: "I told you, by any means possible, you'd get The Blank."
Michael: "Hell yeah. This is going to be good. Real, real good."
JR: "The stage has been set! The ring has been cleaned! Coming up, our main event, the Hot Potato match! Oh my God!"
Bill: "He's coming here! Good Lord almighty!"
(fade out, then in on Dick Clark sitting in a nice looking office)
Dick: "Hi, I'm Dick Clark. A lot of you may sit here and read this and wonder, how can our booking staff be so violence obsessed? Yes, they know in real life probably 100 percent of this wouldn't happen, but they write this story with the utmost of respect for all those mentioned. The bookers try hard to keep you, the reader, entertained, and they hope that this edition of GSN Raw kept you amused and wanting more. Well, after this, tomorrow night we'll tape the Smackdown Plus program, and we'll take it from there. This story may be weak at points, but promise us, you will not be disappointed overall. Thanks for reading."
(fade out)
(fade in on California freeway, where people are running and driving as if it was a Godzilla movie)
RosieLouZilla: "DOOONUTTTTSS....KOOOOOOOSHHHH..."
(people continue screaming as the monster ambles down the freeway)
(back to backstage, the hosts continue cowering)
Regis: "Is he gone?"
Alex: "I, I think so!"
Monty: "We can only stand here and pray it doesn't destroy California."
Both Toms: "You don't say!"
Ray: "Wake up, fool!" (kicks Sajak in the stomach. Sajak wakes up)
Pat: "Isss---is it gone?"
Richard: "Good news, yes. Bad news, it got loose."
Pat: "Oh, okay..."
(apparently RosieLouZilla must be a fast ambler, because now it's reached the Encino city limits and has smelled the scent of an emcee. It heads for the Super 8)RosieLouZilla: "MMM....Game show hosts...."
(It barges into the lounge. Patrons start screaming and musicians run for cover)Bouncer: "Hey, you can't come in here----NOOOO!"
(RosieLouZilla thinks the man is a cruller and proceeds to devour him. Jim and Chuck stare wide-eyed)
Bartender: "Damn! Hey, you fat monster, you just can't come in here and---EEEEK!"
(RosieLouZilla eats the bartender, then sets his eyes on the cowering Peter Marshall)
Peter: "I've heard of big egos, but this is ridiculous!"
Chuck: "Peter! Come on!"
(he and Jim grab Peter just in the nick of time and get the hell out of the lounge. Once outside, they start running around and screaming because their vehicle's been taken out.)
Jim: "This sucks! We're gonna get eaten by a big stupid monster!"
Peter: "I'd rather have had the Squares grid collapse on me then to get eaten to death!"
Chuck: "We need a stopper! A Terminator! Anything!"
(a car is driving, hell bent on reaching Hollywood. Apparently the driver recognizes the hosts because the car stops, and the window rolls down)
RosieLouZilla, in background: "MMM, CARRR....."
Chuck: "Gene! What the?"
Gene: "Get in! Get in!"
Jim: "But, what about the---"
Peter: "Let's not talk about this! Let's get the blue heck outta here!"
(Chuck, Jim and Peter climb in and Gene speeds off)
RosieLouZilla: "Carrrr!"
Rolf: "Drive faster! Drive faster!"
Gene: "This car can't go any faster! (to three emcees in backseat with Cameraman) Buckle yourselves in!"
Cameraman: "Dammit!"
RosieLouZilla: "Carrrr, come baaaaack!"
Chuck: "It's getting closer!"
Jim: "Where the hell are we at?"
(this car must be one of those Speed Racer vehicles, probably why Rolf didn't want to use it. We see the Hollywood city limits)
Cameraman: "We're in Hollywood!"
Peter: "How far are we from the arena?"
Chuck and Jim: "THE ARENA?"
Gene: "I'm driving this damn car and getting tailed by this ugly entity back to the arena???"
Helen: "You owe me BIG TIME, Gene!"
(We can't hear what Gene says next because RosieLouZilla lets out a roar. The car continues ambling down the road)
Rolf: "Exit sign, Chuck Barris Studio, one mile!"
Chuck: "The guys in the back ain't going to like this."
Cameraman: "Here's the exit! Turn! Turn!"
Gene: "Hang on!"
(the car makes a turn so sharp--HOW SHARP IS IT?--that Rolf is flung out the side)
Jim: "Rolf! NOOOOO!"
Peter: "Turn back! Turn back!"
Cameraman: "It's too late! Look!"
Rolf, on pavement: "Guys! Wait! Wait---oh, sh(cuckoo)!)
(sees the shadow of RosieLouZilla. The car screeched to a halt)
RosieLouZilla: "MMM, Long johnnnn.." (grabs Rolf)
Rolf: "Hey! Don't! Noo!"
Cameraman: "Oh my God!"
(Chuck, Jim and Peter scream. Cut back to the backstage area where the hosts scream, then the crowd, then the announcers etc. etc. Cut back to car occupants screaming)
Rolf: "Pleeeze! Do you want me on account for later? I'm too young to die!"
RosieLouZilla: "Long john...."
Gene: "You don't need to see this!" (covers Helen's eyes)
JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Everybody else: "AGGGGHHHH!"
(RosieLouZilla drops Rolf in its mouth. Chuck passes out. Jim's jaw drops. Peter starts quaking again)
Cameraman: "Good Lord!"
(RosieLouZilla swallows, then rubs its tummy)
RosieLouZilla: "Mmm, yummmy..." (it starts heading for the car)
Cameraman: "Damn it! DRIVE!"
Jim: "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-go!"
Peter: "We're all gonna die!"
(Just as RosieLouZilla towers over the car, it stops, then clutches its stomach)
Cameraman: "Wait! What's it doing?"
Peter: "I think it's got a stomachache!"
Gene: "Maybe athletes turned Wheel of Fortune hosts don't agree with it. (pauses) Let's get the hell out of here!"
Jim: "That's the most intelligent thing I've heard all night!"
(RosieLouZilla groans loudly and begins to slowly---you guessed it, fall. Gene gets the car in gear and once again drives off hell bent for the Chuck Barris Studio.)Cameraman: "It's falling!"
Peter: "God almighty!"
(The car is out of harm's way, but there's no intention on stopping)
Jim: "There it goes!"
(RosieLouZilla hits the ground with a loud, and I mean loud, thud. The car goes up five feet in the air, reviving Chuck, who looks down and starts screaming hysterically)
Peter: (slaps Chuck) "Calm down! Calm down!"
(the car once again reaches land, but the shocks are shot as a result.)
Cameraman: "Damn! That's great---" (he looks up and sees the familiar arena sign bearing Chuckie Baby's name)
Helen: "Are we dead?"
Jim: "Funny, I was asking the same question."
Chuck: "We're not! We're here! The arena!"
(crowd roars)
Cameraman: "You mean, we got flung here? Holy crap, I think I better submit my resignation notice tomorrow."
(everybody climbs out)
Cameraman: "All right, here we go. (to Gene) You know this means I'm not responsible if you get your --- whipped again."
Peter: "They want you bad."
Jim: "If you want, we'll keep your wife here with us."
Chuck: "I don't think he heard."
(the Scrabble master is right, for both The Blank and the cameraman are gone)Peter: "Now that he's gone, anybody for some tic tac toe!"
Jim: "Sure! You and Helen can go against Chuck and me! Now, we need a tic tac toe board."
Chuck: "You dummy!" (points to the dead RosieLouZilla)
Jim: "Sweet!"
(RAW theme plays as we see some chefs with a large tray of hot potatoes)
JR: "HERE WE GO! THE HOT POTATO MATCH! NEXT!"
Bill: "We got a combination here guaranteed to make you say--"
Everybody: "AGGH!"
(fade out, then in on plug)
Announcer: "Nothing beats watching the GSWF Live! Tuesday we hit the Bob Barker Studio! On Saturday, we run amuck in the Staples Center! Sunday night we rock the Rockefeller Center. And Monday night, GSN RAW IS WAR at the Madison Square Garden! Call your local Ticketmaster for information. See the GSWF LIVE!"
(fade out)
(backstage, the hosts are still freaking out when they hear the thud)
Regis: "What the Hell was that?"
Alex: "It sounded like a giant fat monster falling down dead."
Monty: "Oh, just that---"
Everybody: "A FAT MONSTER FALLING DOWN DEAD! WHOO HOO!"
Tom B.: "Great!"
Tom K.: "This is too cool!"
Ray: "Yeahhh!"
Pat: "Where is it?"
Richard: "Sounds like it came from the parking lot!"
Regis: "That far, eh?"
(the hosts run through the damaged backstage area and turn the corner when they run into a horrid disaster scene. Injured crew members and the like are scattered all over the place)
Makeup lady: "Is it--ow!--gone?"
Hairstylist: "I can't feel my legs!"
Monty: "OK, everybody hang on, we'll have you out in no time!"
(the hosts and Vanna start pulling away wreckage and aiding injured crew members. As they do this, we hear the voice of the cameraman)
Cameraman: "And Burger wants you to fight him, and we don't know when, but if he knows you're here--"
Alex: "I hear the cameraman."
Regis: "It's not the only thing I hear."
Cameraman: "And he's even putting the belt on the line---"
Richard: "By crackee, Gene, take it!"
Alex: "Yeah, do it!"
(Gene enters with the cameraman. The hosts take one look and flip)
Cameraman (looking at the damage): "What the hell happened here?"
Pat: "Well, Dickie here beat up Louie Anderson---"
Tom B.: "And then Rosie did some voodoo---"
Tom K.: "And there was this big donut eating Koosh ball flinging monster---"
Ray: "And it got loose----"
Vanna: "And it terrorized the region!"
Regis: "But it's still on the loose, right?"
Cameraman: "Actually, it's dead as a doornail. Thanks to one of our former colleagues."
(the backstage hosts realize the cameraman means Rolf)
Pat: "But still, he saved us. And that's what matters."
Monty: "Yeah. But Gene, you shouldn't be here!"
Alex: "Hell, no! Michael Burger's been going raving nuts all night demanding you fight him."
Regis: "But by God, we'll protect you and--" (Gene holds up his hand and Regis shuts up)
Richard: "Come on!"
Tom B.: "Give Mikey hell!"
Gene: "Where's Earl? (crowd roars)
Richard: "He's in the locker room. You're gonna do it, aren't you?"
Gene: "Hell yeah!" (he and Richard walk off, leaving Cameraman with the rest of the hosts)
Tom K.: "Well, we've always regarded him as the wild one."
Alex: "This is gonna be good!"
JR: "OH MY! Stay tuned, it's gonna get exciting!"
(fade out)
(cut to arena...we hear some British type music playing as we see chefs wheeling carts into ring)
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is the Hot Potato match, and it is for the GSWF Intercontinental Championship. First, the challenger! (Password theme plays, crowd roars) From Wisconsin, he is the one, the only Allen Ludden!"
(Allen enters the ring, fans chant his name)
(Inquizitor music plays, crowd boos)
Johnny O.: "And his challenger, who refused to reveal location and such, he is the GSWF Intercontinental Champion, The Inquizitor!"
(booing)
JR: "Here we go with the Hot Potato Match."
Jerry: "This is going to be exciting! Whoo-hoo!"
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, once again we have a special guest host. Here he is, the Hot Potato host himself, our resident first commentator, Bill Cullen!!"
(crowd just absolutely flips as Bill makes his entrance into the ring.)
Crowd: (chanting) "BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!"
Bill: "Thank you, thank you so much. But please, settle down or we'll never be able to get this match underway. Now, many of you are probably familar with my show Hot Potato, even though GSN decided to play it ad nauseum which offended some. Now, I have to explain the rules for this match. I will give a subject, which could have up to ten possible answers, to our champion, Mr. Inquizitor. He will either give an answer or he can force his challenger, Mr. Ludden, to answer. Game play will go back and forth in this match. Should one of our competitors give an incorrect answer, his opponent will be given a hot potato to do as he pleases to the incorrect player. After that happens, we move to another subject. The match will go on until one competitor is in too much pain to continue. Are you two ready?"
Inquizitor: "Prepare to meet your doom, Password man!"
Allen: "I've been waiting for this for a long time!"
(Judge Von Erik rings the bell)
Bill: "OK, here we go with our first subject. Mr. Inquizitor, the subject is 'Hollywood Squares' personalities. This will include regulars and semi regulars. However, it does not include the emcee. So please, do not be an idiot and give 'Peter Marshall' as an answer. Will you give an answer or force Mr. Ludden to answer?"
Inquizitor: "He knows squat about the show! I'll pass!"
Bill: "Mr. Ludden?"
Allen: "PAUL LYNDE!" (bell dings)
Bill: "That's correct! Inquizitor?"
Inquizitor: "Charley Weaver!" (bell dings)
Bill: "Correct! Allen?"
Allen: "Rose Marie!" (bell dings)
Inquizitor: "Wally Cox!" (bell dings)
Allen: "George Gobel!" (bell dings)
Inquizitor: "Hmm, let me see...uhh, Richard Nixon?"
(buzzer sounds, crowd cheers)
Bill: "And you gave a completely off the board answer. For the record, Nixon was made fun of, but never appeared on Hollywood Squares. Allen, please take a potato!"
(Allen grabs one spud and presses it against the Inquizitor's forehead, causing him much pain. We can't see if it made a burn because of the costume he wears)
Bill: "All right. We move on to our next subject, 'Game Show Models.' Ready? Allen, you have control."
Allen: "Holly Halstrom!" (bell dings)
Inquizitor: "Janice Pennington!" (ding!)
Allen: "Carol Merrill!" (ding!)
Inquizitor: "Dian Parkinson!" (ding!)
Allen: "Anitra Ford!" (ding)
JR: "I think this is going to be a safe round here."
Inquizitor: "Chantal Dubay!"
Allen: "Damn! I can't think of any more!"
Bill: "Crap, Allen! That means Inquizitor gets use of a potato. I can't watch!"
(The Inquizitor grabs the whole damned bowl and pretty much screws himself out of winning legitly. Typical wrestling finish.)
Allen: "Aggh, the pain! The pain!"
Bill: "OK, Inquizitor, you won, you sonofa(cuckoo)! You can stop!"
Inzquizitor: "No, you gimpy fool!"
Bill: "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME GIMPY!"
(Bill, unbelievably, grabs his podium and whacks the Inquizitor upside the head. Inquizitor falls. Bill then mercilessly kicks the dark figure)
Crowd, not quite figuring what to do: "BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!"
Inquizitor: "Stop! Stoooop!"
JR: "Bill Cullen, beating the hell out of the Inquizitor!"
Allen: "Take off his costume!"
Crowd: "TAKE IT OFF, BILL!"
(in the back, Monty, Regis, Pat, Alex, Vanna, and the two Toms, along with Cameraman, watch Bill's beatdown on Inquizitor)
Hosts: "Take it off Bill! Show no mercy!"
(at the old folks home, we see Charley and the old folks)
Charley and Co.: "Take it off, Bill! Who is it!"
Bill: "All right! Let's see who this 'Inquizitor really is!" (In "Scooby Doo" fashion, Bill grabs the cape and stuff and jerks it off in one pull, revealing....)
JR and Jerry: "AMY MACGUFFIN???"
Crowd: "AMY MACGUFFIN!"
(backstage....)
Regis: "Holy crap! Amy MacGuffin???"
(outside, Peter, Jim and Chuck look up)
Those three: "HER?"
Helen, overseeing the game: "Shut up! Your move, Woolery!"
(at the home..)
Charley: "That broad?"
(Richard and Gene watch in a dressing room...Richard does a spit take)
Gene: "I'll be damned!"
Richard: "The show still sucks, though!"
(Vince and Michael are watching in another dressing room)
Michael: "I don't believe it!"
Vince: "Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!"
(back to ring, where Bill and Allen just stand there looking, then burst out laughing)
Bill: "God, for a moment, you actually scared me! Ha ha ha!"
Allen: "Goodness, I--I---I----Ha ha ha!"
Amy: "Yes, it's me! I warned all of you about the Inquizitor! I thought my plan would work! If you actually listened to my lies about 'Exposing The Inquizitor', I'd top even the Newlywed Game in ratings! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you damn meddling hosts!"
(Bill and Allen are just in stitches, crowd is laughing too. Amy, in a hissy fit, grabs her title and leaves)
Allen: "Bill, that was too sweet! My stomach hurts laughing!"
Bill: "This was the most fun I had since you and Gene and I went to Chris Harrison's house and toilet papered his trees and egged his windows!"
Allen: "You weren't supposed to say that!"
Bill: "Oops! Lemme get back to the announce position so I can deny everything the way Lawler tried denying he was banging some chicks in Encino!"
Jerry: "Hey, I wasn't! Aggh!"
JR: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've had a great night of wrestling and---"
(Vince and Michael appear on the Titantron)
Vince: "We're not quite done yet! We still have the MAIN EVENT!"
Michael: "Yes, and when we're done, you people are going to regret ever poking fun of me as Match Game host!"
(Cameraman finds the other dressing room)
Richard: "(mockingly in a Lynde-esque voice) And you people are going to regret mocking me! Eeeeeenhhh!"
(Gene laughs)
Cameraman: "Hey, idiot! He's gonna kill you!"
Richard: "Well, if they play dirty, we play dirty too!"
Cameraman: "Well, uh (tries to find something to say)...How do you do that Paul Lynde imitation, a bunch of us cameramen have been trying to do it for ages..."
(Music plays)
Richard: "What's that?"
Gene: "Commercials."
Richard: "Oh."
(fade out, then in on another dumb ad)
Announcer: "On the next episode of 'The Whammies', Fang makes a mess."
Tammy Whammette: "Fang, you (bleep!) dog! Stop (bleep!) all over the (bleep!) carpet!"
Whammy: "(bleep bleep bleeeeeep!)"
Announcer: "And they discover Joey Whammy has something to hide."
Tammy: "(holding joint) (BLEEEEEPPP!) When did you start lighting up (bleep!), you (bleeep!)"
Joey: "Don't (bleep!)ing oppress me, you (bleep!)"
Announcer: "Yep, that's The Whammies, America's newest dysfunctional game show family! Tuesday nights after Family Feud, on Game Show Network!"
(fade out)
(Another commercial, we hear that NBC announcer)
NBC Announcer: "Monday night, on a shocking new Fear Factor, the ultimate gross out stunt."
Joe Rogan: "Remember when we asked you all to wait until a few minutes ago to use the bathroom?" (contestants gasp)
NBC Announcer: "That's right, we give 'toiletry' a new meaning, on Fear Factor! Then, on the Weakest Link, watch as Rick James beats up the producers for doing a crappy parody of his even crappier original. That's Fear Factor and the Weakest Link, thank God, only on NBC!"
GSN Announcer: "Up next, watch the show that's played as much as TNN plays 'Star Trek, the Next Generation'...The Newlywed Game, followed by 80s Newlywed Game, then the New Newlywed Game!"
(cut back to GSN RAW)
Announcer: "And now the 'Zonk of the Night,' brought to you by Dicker and Dicker of Beverly Hills. Who knew you could look so good in fur?"
(cue tape of Bill Cullen stripping the Inquizitor)
Announcer: "That was the Zonk of the Night, brought to you by Dicker and Dicker!"
(cut to JR, Bill and Jerry in announce position)
JR: "That was one helluva match, Bill! You unmasked the Inquizitor! One can only wonder what Vince and the GSNWO's reaction was----"
(we hear a loud kaboom as something flies from out of the floor and lands in the ring)
Bob Eubanks: "Holy crap! Where are we?"
JR: "It's the Bobs, and Bill Rafferty!"
Jerry: "But I thought they had a one way ticket down south!"
Bob Barker: "Bill, thank God you had that bungee cord!"
Bill: "I'm surprised GSN could afford it! Whoa!"
Bob E.: "So how long were we gone?"
Bill: "The way it looks, we missed a few matches. (looks around) Where's the girls?"
(the three get out of the ring and start looking, and we hear "No Chances" play. Crowd realizes it's time to boo and start swear-chanting)
JR: "Well, I thought we were done, but apparently Vince thinks otherwise."
Bill: "Well, he did imply we would be having a main event tonight, all the components are here...this could get interesting."
Vince: "Well, well, well!"
Crowd: "BOOOOOOO!"
Vince: "Michael, your challenger is here!"
(crowd continues booing)
Michael, grabbing mic: "And it's about time! Let's take care of this, and now!"
(Crowd is swearing and stuff. All of a sudden, some people in the crowd stand up)Stone Cold Steve Austin: "WHAT? I want a title shot!"
Undertaker: "No way! He's mine, at Judgment Day!"
Chris Jericho: "I'm going to beat the has-bean at Smackdown!"
Gilbert Gottfried, in audience: "YOU FOOLS! You're at the wrong show!"
Stone Cold: "WHAT?"
Gilbert: "This is GSN Raw, not WWF Raw! They're in Burbank!"
Stone Cold, Undertaker, and Jericho: "OH! OKAY!" (they leave)
JR: "Some of our WWF colleagues, obviously confused. But it was a nice cameo appearance."
Michael: "I'm waiting, Blank!"
(as if we really were not expecting it [duh!], the MG '7X theme starts playing. Half the crowd loses control of their lower bodies, Vince looks up, the other half of the arena, apparently the female half, start screaming, and the WWF atmosphere is finally achieved. Good Lord.)
Crowd: (chanting) "WE WANT A! WE WANT A! WE WANT A!"(this goes on for some time until Gene motions the audience to settle down. Get ready for a promo. No, put down your remotes! Not that type of promo!)
Michael: (snidely) "Welcome back!"
(crowd boos)
Gene: "Nice of you to welcome me back. (makes "ehh" gesture with hand, crowd cheers) So let me guess, what have you been up to? Hmm, not much else but a pain in the BLANK!"
(loud cheers, Michael rushes to the edge of the ring but Vince holds him back)Michael: "Oooh, you're so tough, aren't you? Sooo tough that you decided to chicken out and hide for a month, huh?"
Gene: "Tougher than you, sissy boy!" (cheers. Michael rushes again)
JR: "The two not mincing their words."
(Michael paces the ring, then comes up with something interesting)
Michael: "OK! OK! Since you think you're so tough, Mr. Hotshot Emcee, let's see how tough you are! You versus me on Smackdown Plus, belt on the line!"
Crowd: "OOOOOOHHHHH!"
Gene: "Do you have a death wish or something? (cheers) I guess so, I have nothing better to do!"
Michael: "So you accept?"
Gene: "Does a cow give milk? Of course!"
JR: "We have our main event for Smackdown! The battle of the MG MCs!"
Bill: "Shut up already! Too bad there aren't any hot potatoes left over from that last match, I'd shove one down your throat!"
Jerry: "Aggh!"
Michael: "You know what? You made a very happy man! I'm going to end your career-ah!"
Gene: "You really do have a death wish! Can I add a stipulation?"
Michael: "Be my guest, you (cuckoo!)"
Gene: "Oh, good! You've heard about that infamous James/Parks cage match, haven't you? Ended both their careers? It was something called the Armageddon match. Steel cage, a ton of weapons, anything went until one guy got out or incapacitated the other?"
(Vince looks horrified, but he can't do anything about it since he let Gene add the stip)
Michael: "Yeah, so?"
Gene: "Don't you get it? I just chose the stipulation! You and me in an Armageddon Match!"
(the crowd gasps)
JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "You gotta be kidding me!"
Jerry: "God almighty! Agggghhhh!"
Michael: "Fine! I'll still whup you either way! Mark the calendar! Your career is done on S+!"
Crowd: "Holy (cuckoo)! Holy (cuckoo)! Holy (cuckoo)!"
JR: "OH MY! THE MAIN EVENT FOR SMACKDOWN PLUS HAS BEEN SET! GOOD LORD, AN ARMAGEDDON MATCH!"
Bill: "For God's sake, shut up already!" (punches JR in the gut)
Gene: "Now, would you mind shutting your blank and letting me be?"
Michael: "Hmm, let me think. NO!" (runs out of the ring and up the ramp. Gene senses what's coming, stands aside, and watches Michael hit the black screen. Burger staggers back, Gene punches him a few times, and for good measure flings him off the stage. Crowd goes berserk, Vince spazzes out, JR passes out from Bill's punch, Gene tosses down his mic and walks backstage as music plays)
Bill: "And that's gonna wrap it up for GSN RAW! What the heck's going to happen on Smackdown Plus, we'll find out. Good night!"
Copyright2002
Blanketyblank Productions in association with Mountain Dew
All Rights Reserved
...and that's how it went down that evening. Stay tuned for the re-air of the classic Smackdown Plus, coming soon to The Olson Files. And remember, new GSWF programming starts in November!
posted by Blankety @ 8:29 PM
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