GSWF Retro, Part Two!!

You know, I just realized something.....my fic may have already caused confusion; there's a few grammatical errors I skipped, and the next match isn't even the Card Sharks match. Ah, what the hell, on with the show....


(RAW Theme plays again as we see an outside shot of the arena)

JR: "And welcome back to more GSN RAW! We're smack dab in the biggest event of the year, Game Show-a-Mania!"
Jerry: "Aggh!"
Bill: "And the best is yet to come!"
("The Newlywed Game" theme plays)
JR: "And we're ready for another match!"
Johnny O.: "The next match is scheduled for one fall. First, out of Michigan, accompanied to the ring by Lacey Pemberton and Suzanna Williams, Bob Eubanks!" (boos for Bob followed by chants of "Newlywed Game sucks!" The boos turn to cheers when they see Lacey and Suzanna)
JR: "Bob Eubanks, people may not like him, but they like his ladies."
("The Price is Right" theme plays)
Crowd: (chanting) "COME ON DOWN! COME ON DOWN! COME ON DOWN!"
Johnny O.: "And here he is, Booooob Barker!" (crowd cheers as Bob comes on down with Janice and Holly)
Bill: "Here we go, the big Battle of the Bobs. This is going to be exciting---Jerry, stop looking at their---"
JR: "And here we go! (bell rings) There goes Eubanks with a pillow. Oh, he smacks Barker in the face. Barker gets up, comes back and does a judo chop on Eubanks!"
Bill: "They're starting out slowly, but watch out, they bring their strong arsenal of weapons later on."
JR: "You just guessed it....Bob's got the mic already!"
Bob: "Alright Barker, here's a five point question: where's the best place for me to beat you to a pulp?"
Bob B.: "In the (cuckoo), Bob!" (benchpresses Eubanks)
JR: "And I do believe Barker now has the slight advantage, and now he grabs the mic."
Bob B.: "Eubanks, it's time to play a little pricing game. Rod?"
(Rod Roddy enters)

Rod: "Bob Eubanks, how would you like to win this exciting trip to the hospital?" (Holly and Janice stand by sign)
JR: "OH MY! The trip game!"
Bill: "There's a ton of them! Fool!"
Rod: "Yes, this fabulous trip to Hollywood Medical Center. You'll stay for three months in the fabulous Celebrity Wing, eat the finest hospital food and get shots three times a day from male nurses, all at the Hollywood Medical Center!"
Bob B.: "OK, Eubanks, now the only way you're going to win that trip is if you win CLIFFHANGERS!" (crowd roars as we see the Cliffhangers small prizes section being wheeled into the ring) Now if you can get as close as you can to prevent our Cliffhanger from going over the cliff, you win that trip. But since this is GSA-Mania, we decided to give Cliffhangers a different spin. Show them!"
(in the rafters, we see a life-size Cliffhangers mountain, replete with guy dressed as Hans)
JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "OH MY GOD!"
Jerry: "AGGH!"
Bob B.: "Yes, Bob Eubanks, you have to keep Hans---er, our special guest climber Bill Rafferty, from walking off the cliff, and onto you. Yes, Bill, should he fall off the cliff, will land on you and you'll get nothing except----ah, forget it. Rod, what's our prizes?"
(TPiR prize music plays)

Rod: "First, a package of that damn crap Billy Mays sells that we could care less about. (crowd roars) Second, A pair of Kinney Faux Leather shoes, from the Burbank Payless. Finally, a Conair waffe slash curling iron. Yes, curl your hair and make delicious waffles at the same time. The Conair WaffCurl Iron. Take it away, Bob."
JR: "A curling iron which makes waffles? I'll be damned!"
Bill: "What will they think of next?"
Bob B.: "OK, Bob, can you guess the price of the Billy Mays crap?"
Bob: "Let's see, is it higher or lower?"
Bob B.: "This isn't Card Sharks, moron! Gimme a price!"
Bob: "I'll say ten bucks."
Bob B.: "Is it ten bucks? (TPiR buzzer) No! OK, Bill, start climbing!"
(Cliffhangers yodeling music plays as Bill R. trudges up the mountain cursing until he reaches ten, then stops.)

JR: "Eubanks off on that description. Everyone knows that crap sells for twenty. Ripoff!"
Jerry: "Aggh!"
(girls start screaming at ringside)
Bob B.: "OK, Eubanks. Let's see if you can guess the price of the faux leather shoes."
Bob: "Uhhh, it's gotta be higher! I'll say forty bucks!"
Bob B.: "Is he right? (buzzer) Bill!"
Bill R.: "Ah, (loud cuckoo!)"
(Cliffhangers yodeling music plays again as Rafferty, still cursing, climbs the mountain until he reaches twenty, and stops.)
Bob B.: "The shoes sell for thirty dollars. Now you can't be more than five dollars off or----"
Bob: "SCREW THIS! DIE, BARKER!" (spears Bob B. and does a barrage of cruiserweight moves on him. Lacey and Susanna start cheering as Holly and Janice panic)
JR: "Bob Eubanks deciding that this is not his type of game, there he goes with the Whoopiecanrana! He's going for the pin....Barker breaks it up."
(Cliffhangers yodeling music starts playing. Rafferty, thinking Eubanks got the price wrong, lets loose a very loud barrage of swearing as he makes what he thinks will be the last five steps of his life.)

JR: (screaming) "OH MY GOD!"
(crowd gasps. Lacey, Suzanna, Holly, Janice and Rod scream. Bill screams. Jerry screams. Cut to a cow screaming. Cut to people on a boat screaming. Cut to Charley Weaver and a group of people at the home screaming. Cut to the Ad Folks screaming. Back to arena, crowd screams)
Bill R.: "Oh, shiiiii------"
(Rafferty lands on a brawling Eubanks and Barker. The force of the impact sends all three of them through the ring, and through the floor. Judge Von Erik immediately rings the bell.)
Johnny O.: (handed piece of paper) "Ladies and gentlemen, due to the apparent disappearance of both competitors, the match is declared a no contest!"
(crowd boos, as they wanted to see somebody escorting the ladies out of the arena. Rod takes notice.)
Rod: "Uh, girls, have you ever spent the night with an announcer before?"
Holly: "Uh, no. Um, so what are we going to do?"
Lacey: "Yeah, it's all rather anticlimactic now, isn't it?"
(Gene Wood enters)
Gene W.: "Not when you have the two announcers for their shows looking for some movie companions!"
Janice: "Well, that's a nice offer, but---"
Suzanna: "Oh, why the heck not! It's time you two got a reward for having to put up with Bob and Bob!"
Rod: "So you'll go to the movies with us?"
Lacey: "Sure!"
Holly: "Then we can all go out to the pizza place on the corner there, and we can talk about all those Money Cards Busts, and Showcase Overbids..."
Gene W.: "Sweet!"
(Holly and Janice take Rod's hands and Lacey and Suzanna do likewise with Wood as they all walk up the entryway, crowd cheers as they once again got what they wanted)

Bill: "Awww. The overlooked announcers are the real winners in this match!"
JR: "We apologize to those who were expecting Bob or Bob to win. But as the slogan goes----"
Everybody in arena: "ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE GAME SHOW WRESTLING FEDERATION!"
JR: "Damn straight!"

(cut to Encino, where the idiot pitchmen have reached a hotel. The sign says "The Encino Bob Hilton. No Vacancy. This weekend, convention of Rip Taylor Fan Club.")
Billy: "Hee hee, he's gotta be here!"
Wilford: "You damn fool, you've been sniffing too many of your products. There's a ton of hotels in Encino."
Bloussant Girl: "My boobs are sore! I wanna get back quickly! Let's check!"
(they enter the hotel lobby and go to the front desk. The front desk clerk looks up)Clerk: "Uh, what can I do for you?"
Billy: "We're looking for The Blank. He here?"
Clerk: "Uh, let me check on the computer. (starts typing) Blank, Blank....Uh, sorry, but we have nobody here by that name. We have a lot of Rip Taylors, though."
Wilford: "I told you, Mays! (hits Billy, then turns to clerk) How far is the next hotel?"
Clerk: "It's right down the road from here, about five minutes. The, um, Encino Super 8. Can't miss."
Billy: "Uh, thanks! By the way, you have some ugly stains on the floor. You know I have some Oxi Clean?"

(back to arena, we see Jim Perry lacing up his shoes)
JR: "Oh my, we're just moments away from the Higher or Lower Match! Stay tuned!"


(Cut to Encino, where the idiot pitchfolk are in the Encino Super 8.)

Billy: (to clerk) "Do you know if The Blank's here?"
Clerk: "Um, let me check. In the meantime, why don't you go to the lounge and have a drink and listen to the entertainment?"
Wilford: "Uh, okay."
Clerk: "But you'll have to leave the horse here."
(Wilford grunts and groans as he waddles off his horse. The pitchfolk walk into a place marked "The $20,000 Lounge." Inside, Alan Thicke is playing a piano and singing. Several other hosts not even at the arena are drinking and enjoying themselves)
Alan: "Thank you everybody! Any requests?"
Chuck Woolery: "How about stop playing?" (patrons clap)
Alan: "OK! (plays piano and starts singing horribly) Stop playing, stop playing, stop playing..."
Jim Peck: "YOU SUCK!"
Chuck: "You're telling me! Bartender!"
Bartender: "What?"
Chuck: "Get the bouncer over here and bounce Thicke's behind out!"
Bartender: "OK. Bouncer!"(bouncer goes to the piano, picks up Alan, and throws him out. Patrons start cheering wildly)
Jim: "Well, that's nice, but who's going to entertain us now?"
Peter Marshall: "I will! Hit it, boys!" (swing band starts playing and Peter enthralls the lounge with his voice)
Chuck: "Now that's what I want to hear!"
Jim: "You dang straight!"
Billy: "This music stinks! Too bad Oxi Clean can't----"
Patrons: "SHUT UP!"
Clerk: (entering) "Sorry sir, but we have nobody by that name checked in."
Billy: "Dangit! Vince ain't gonna like this."
Clerk: "You may want to try the Encino Motel."
(dramatic musical chord)
Chuck: "What was that?"
Peter: "Sorry! Band got carried away."
Jim: "The Encino Motel.....the favorite haunt of emcees. You think that's where Blank's holed up?"
(by now the idiot pitchfolk are gone)
Chuck: "This could get interesting. Think we should go over there and warn him?"
Jim: "Naah. I wanna see if I can get Marshall here to do 'The Silly Song.'"
Chuck: "Yeah." (the two continue their regular conversation)

(back to arena, the CS2K1 theme plays, boos)
Johnny O.: "The next match is the Higher or Lower match, and it is for the Hollywood Championship. First, the challenger....from the GSNWO, Pat Bullard!" (boos)
JR: "Crowd giving Pat Bullard their feelings."
Bill: "Scary thing is, Mays, Brimley and whats her face are almost at the end of their little quest. Right now it don't look too good for The Blank."
(Double Dare/Card Sharks theme plays, crowd roars)
Johnny O.: "And his opponent, the GSWF Hollywood Champion, Jim Perry!" (cheers)
JR: "We should point out there's a set similar to the old school Card Sharks in the ring, much like the one the contestants used. The match plays out like a regular game of Card Sharks, you try to guess what's higher or lower. If you get a card wrong, not only do you lose your turn, but your opponent gets to beat you up. First wrestler to win two out of three wins the championship."
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, due to the incapacitation of the two other hosts of Card Sharks, we have a special guest host. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Survivor himself, Jeff Probst!"
("Survivor" theme plays)
Jeff: "Thanks for giving me this opportunity to host something not involving Tribal Councils or one million dollar prizes. Now, I needed two ladies to assist in dealing out the cards, so why not bring out two ladies from Survivors past. Here they are, from Survivor 1, Colleen Haskell, and from Survivor: The Australian Outback, Elisabeth Filarski!" (cheers as the two, dressed in CS dealer outfits circa the Eubanks era, enter and deal the cards)
JR: "The men obviously liking this as compared to, say, Tami Anderson."
Jeff: "OK, since Jim's the champion, he goes first. Jim, we asked 100 ladies this: would you get breast implants if it were to make you rich? How many ladies said 'yes'?"
Jim: "Considering the day and age we're in, that's gotta be high, I'll say 70."
Pat: "That's a crock! Anybody will do it! It's higher!"
Jeff: "The number of ladies who said they'd get breast implants if it'd make them rich is.....65! It's lower, and Jim gets the option. Do you want to play or pass?"
Jim: "I'll pass it on."
Jeff: "OK, Pat, you start with---a three! Higher or lower?"
Pat: "Oh, it's gotta be higher!"
Jeff: "Higher than a three? (flips card) Yes, a seven!"
Pat: "Higher!"
Jeff: "Higher? A nine!"
Pat: "Higher!"
Jeff: "Higher? (buzzer) Oh, a four! Jim?"
JR: "Here we go!"
(Jim gives Pat an uppercut)
Jeff: "Alright Jim, you start with-----an eight! (crowd groans) Higher or lower?"
Jim: "I'll go with my first instinct and I'll say higher!"
Jeff: "Higher? Yes, a ten!"
Jim: "I'll freeze!"
Jeff: "OK, you freeze, and while we get set up for our next question, we'll go to commercials. Stay tuned!"
(fade out)


(cut back in on Jeff Probst in ring)
Jeff: "And welcome back to the Higher or Lower Match. We're playing our first game, and we're on our next question. Gentlemen, we asked 100 teenage girls this...would you kick a member of N'Sync in the place where it really hurts? How many teenage girls said yes? Pat?"
Pat: "I'd do it! I'll say 100!"
Jim: "They're teenage girls, they think these people are God. I'll say lower."
Jeff: "And the actual number of teenage girls who would kick a member of N'Sync in the place where it really hurts is----Zero! Jim, you have the ten, do you want to change it?"
Jim: "Why, certainly!"
Jeff: "Changing that card...to an ACE!"
Jim: "LOWER!"
Jeff: "Lower than an ace....it's a four! You get this next card right, you win our first game!"
Jim: "It's gotta be HIGHER!"
Jeff: "Higher than a four....it's a five! (DD/CS win cue plays) You won the first game!"
Pat: "And it's the last!" (takes podium and whacks Jim upside the head with it. Crowd boos)

JR: "OH MY!"
Bill: "I think this is a disqualification!"
(Pat continues his beat down of Jim, as the Survivor girls scream)
Pat: "Screw the title! I want your butt!"
(whips Jim into the card stand...Jeff gets the heck out of there but leaves Colleen and Elisabeth in the ring. The girls are cowering. Pat leaves Jim lying on the ground, then looks at the girls and starts snickering)
JR: "NOOO! He's going to assault the dealers! Somebody get in there and help them!"
Voice in Crowd: "Stand back! Former Navy SEAL comin' through! C'mon, boys! Let's get 'em!"(loud mumbling in crowd)
JR: "That voice sounds familiar. Navy SEAL? It's gotta be---"
Bill: "Rudy!"
Crowd: (chanting) "RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!"
(Rudy from Survivor 1, alongside some other famed contestants as Big Tom the goat farmer from Survivor Africa, Michael the pig hunting guy from Survivor:TAO, and a naked Richard Hatch stand in front of the girls. The fans are covering their eyes, not so much for the carnage, but because of Rich)
Rudy: "Let's show this jerk that we don't take kindly to people harassing some of our own!"
(Big Tom grabs Pat and lets Michael punch away. Rich stands there, some fans vomit)
JR: "Someone get that man some clothes!"
Jerry: "AGGH!"(Bill grabs a barf bag)
(in the ring, Jim is helped up by Elisabeth and Colleen)
Colleen: "Are you all right?"
Jim: "I'm, ow, fine."
Elisabeth: "You know, they're taking care of Bullard. Would you like to come to our locker room and we can, um, give you a massage."
Jim: "Oooh, that sounds great."
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, the winner as result of a disqualification on the part of the Survivors, Pat Bullard!"
(crowd boos)
Pat: (looking at Jim) "That belt is mine! All mine!"
Colleen: "Read the rules, you idiot!" (clocks Pat with the belt)
Johnny O.: "However, the title does not change hands via disqualification, so the GSWF Hollywood Champion is still Jim Perry!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "Rules are rules, and while the Survivors are cleaning house, let's take a look at this."

(roll idiotic looking film as clips of various GSN shows are played)
Allen Ludden: "It's a rough job hosting a game show...."
Bill Cullen: "The contestants are rough...."
Peter Tomarken: "I've been upstaged by a Whammy...."
Richard Dawson: "I've been slapped by angry husbands..."
Alex Trebek: "People have called me cold..."
Bob Eubanks: "I've been assaulted by angry wives who knew nothing about making whoopie...."
Pat Sajak: "I've thrown out my back spinning the wheel..."
Chuck Woolery: "I've been called too many things...."
Bert Convy: "I've been injured by errant bananas...."
Todd Newton: "But I know at the end of the day...."
Allen: "I'll go home...."
Peter: "I'll go to a bar...."
Gene Rayburn: "I'll go to Encino....."
Bob: "And make some sweet whoopie with my wife...."
Alex: "Get a brain transplant...."
Bill: "Beat up Anne Robinson for being a cold woman...."
Richard: "Cause SURVEY SAYS!....."
Pat: "It's a rough job hosting a game show...."
Todd: "Big Bucks, No Whammies....."
Bert: "But I'm damn proud...."
Chuck: "I'm damn proud....."
Allen: "I'm damn proud...."
Gene: "I'm damn proud of it."
(Cue idiotic looking logo.)

GSN. Play.

(fade out)

(backstage, the hosts from way earlier in the evening have found Richard Dawson and are giving him praise for taking out Louie)
Pat: "That was awesome!!"
Alex: "What is 'absolutely spectacular'?"
Monty: "You zonked him, but good!"
Regis: "So where's Louie now?"
Tom K.: "Good thinking...where is Louie?"
(loud groaning)
Richard: "Oh, hamburgers....."
Vanna: "Uh, I have to get some clothes...."
Ray: "Survey says....LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!"
(groaning is louder)
Tom B.: "I AGREE!"
(The hosts and Vanna start screaming)
Richard: "STAND BACK!" (picks up his weapon.)
Louie: (barging down the hall) "Nggggghhhhhh!"

(Pat, Alex, Monty, Regis, the two Toms, Ray, and Vanna scream. Cut to the crowd in the arena screaming. Cut to the announcers screaming. Cut to some dogs screaming. Cut to the home where Charley and friends are screaming. Cut to Super 8 lounge where Jim Peck, Chuck and Peter are screaming. Cut back to the hosts backstage)
Richard: "Survey Says!"
(as Louie is just inches from Dawson, Dawson clubs him with his weapon, making loud Family Feud clang in the process.)
Louie: "Mommy?" (falls unconscious)
Pat: "He did it again!"
Alex: "He did it but good!"
Regis: "Thank you Richard!"
(Vanna kisses Richard. The rest of the hosts whoop it up realizing they've been saved)
Richard: "So what's this I hear about The Blank?"
Tom K.: "Vince sent the Ad Folks to Encino after him! We have no idea what's going to happen."
Monty: "We can only stand back here and wait. (long silence) But I have a feeling we're going to be saved again tonight."
Ray: "I agree."
Tom B.: "And you got the square, Monty."

(back to arena, and "Bob and Merrill's Theme" plays)
JR: "Here we go, the mixed tag team match of the year!"
Johnny O.: "The next match is a mixed tag team match, and it is scheduled for one fall. First, entering the ring, from the Tic Tac Toe grid in Hollywood, Paul Lynde and Charo!"
(Paul is wearing one of his wide collared open shirts with his wrestling shorts, Charo is wearing a very busty bikini)
JR: "A battle between some memorable panelists on the Hollywood Squares and Match Game. These two factions have had run-ins before, most memorably when Charley Weaver took on Mr. Periwinkle in a falls count anywhere match. It wasn't pretty."
Bill: "I remember that match. Old Lady Purvis got involved. Half the crowd had to seek psychiatric help after seeing her bloomers."
Jerry: "Aggh! I was one of them!"
(MG '90 theme plays)
Johnny O.: "And their opponents, from Studio 33 at CBS Television City in Hollywood, Brett Somers and----"
Crowd: (as if this was the RVD chant and thumb deal) "CHARLES! NELSON! REILLY!!!"
JR: "The crowd always loves this guy."
(Brett is wearing one of those outfits CNR always made fun of; CNR has one of his outfits on, complete with scarf and captain's hat)
Bill: "CNR is just one cool guy. Why he is is a mystery, but we don't mind. He's a very popular commissioner."
Johnny O.: "And here to give the command to fight is my announcing colleague on HS, Mr. Kenny Williams!"
Kenny: "LLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!"
(bell rings)
(Paul snickers. CNR laughs. Brett and Charo, in the ring, lunge at each other.)

JR: "And here we go!"
(Brett runs smack into Charo, but bounces off because of, well, you know. Brett ends up in the ringpost. Charo does a fancy backflip into the corner and elbows Brett. Brett falls to the mat, and Charo does a near replica of the Stink face, but with, well, you know.)
Bill: "And Charo has taken control of this match. Charles is over there trying desparately to get a tag, but nothing doing."
(Charo continues the beatdown on Brett. CNR, realizing it may be some time before he gets tagged in, starts smoking a pipe and reads the paper.)
Paul: (mockingly) "Hey Chaw-ells, what does it say?"
CNR: "Oh, it says here in the sports section GSWF commissioner and drunken partner kick your rears back to Hollywood!"
(Paul does his trademark laugh)
Brett: "Help me, you fool!"
(Charo slaps her then steps near CNR. CNR, realizing he needs to help his partner, blows pipe smoke in Charo's face. Charo starts coughing, and Brett is able to take advantage and tags in CNR.)

JR: "And there's Reilly in the ring."
CNR: "Watch this, Lynde!" (takes his scarf and wraps it around Charo's neck."
Bill: "No, Charles! Don't! You don't know what that lady's made up of!!"
JR: "IT'S TOO LATE! OH MY GOD!!!"
(There's an explosion of silicone in the ring. Charo loses consciousness, tagging Paul in the process. CNR is blinded by the silicon, Paul runs in and does a Twist of Fate on CNR)
JR: "And CNR's plan's backfired!"
Bill: "Yeah, it backfired over half the arena! Yech!"
(Paul climbs on the turnbuckle and does a Hardy Boys gesture)
JR: "And there's the famed Lynde-ton Bomb! And there's the ref. 1...2....3!!! And it's an upset! Commissioner CNR and Brett Somers have been defeated!"
(crowd can't believe it, but then again they weren't expecting a Gallagher concert)Johnny O.: "The winners are Paul Lynde and Charo!"
(Paul mocks Brett. Angrily, Brett chucks a shoe at him, but it bounces off Charo and knocks Brett out. Paul continues mocking but all of a sudden we see the Match Game ladies from earlier in the evening storming the ring.)

Fannie: "Now I may have my problems with Brett but by God you don't mess with Charles!" (punches Paul, who staggers towards Elaine)
Elaine: "I may be blonde, but I know who to beat up when I see them!" (punches Paul, who then staggers into Patti and Marcia, who do a double suplex to him. Paul continues staggering, and reaches Debralee.)
Debralee: "C'mon, who's the tough flamboyant guy now?" (does a scoop slam. Finally, Paul reaches Betty)
Betty: "Oh, I don't know what to say, but I know what to do!" (gives Paul the Rock Bottom. Paul doesn't get up this time.)
JR: "And there's carnage in the ring! And----there's Rose Marie and Abby Dalton and Karen Valentine! And now Joan Rivers! (women start fighting in the ring) OH MY! OH MY! CATFIGHT!"
Bill: "But we're just moments away from the HOT POTATO match! Now there's an OH MY!"

(Uh oh. We go back to Encino, where the idiot pitchfolk have reached the famed Encino Motel. The place looks rather seedy and there is of course, plenty of vacancies for those who wish to conduct trysts in one of their many rooms. The pitchfolk enter the little lobby room. They see a sign saying "Rolf B.----Clerk on Duty.")
Billy: "Excuse me, but we're looking for someone who may have registered under the name of 'The Blank.'"
Rolf: "Eh, let me check. Why don't you go into that little area and eat some donuts and watch some TV."
(the pitchfolk do just that and they discuss what may happen should they find The Blank. Meanwhile, on the TV, a soap is playing.)
Man on Soap: "Hello Dick!"
Other Man: "Hello Dirk!"
1M: "How's it going Dick?"
2M: "Fine Dirk!"
1M: "Wanna go to Sammy's and have some beers Dick?"
2M: "Sure Dirk!"
Billy: "This show sucks. Switch!"
(Bloussant Girl switches to The Invention Channel where we see Pat Murphy Stark)
Pat MS: "And welcome back to another installment of our Ab Doohickey Paid Program! Remember, the more you change channels, the more we air these stupid ads until you buy them!"
(the pitchfolk are too mesmerized to pay attention to Rolf)

Rolf: "Excuse me. (no response) Hello? (still no response) HEY!" (still no response. Out of frustration, Rolf grabs the remote and turns off the TV. The idiot pitchfolk snap out of it.)
Billy: "What did you do that for?"
Rolf: "I did a check on the guests here. There's nobody here by the name of The Blank."
Wilford: "Damn it all to hell! Vince is going to kill us!"
Rolf: "I did several checks to see if there were any relations to this Blank, and I did get a few results."
Bloussant Girl: "Really? Who?"
Rolf: "Well, in one of the guest suites someone checked in under the name 'Davidson.' And in one of our regular rooms someone by the name of Lawler checked in."
(cut immediately to arena, where everybody's staring at Jerry. Cut back to Rolf)Billy: "This isn't helping! He's not here, isn't he?"
Rolf: "And we have a Rayburn in one of the tryst rooms---"
Crowd at Arena: "WHAT?"
Rolf: (apparently hearing this) "I said, we have a Rayburn in one of the tryst rooms."
Crowd: "OH! THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT YOU SAID? (realizing what the hell Rolf just meant) OH! (chanting) BLANK! BLANK! BLANK! BLANK!"
Billy: "That crowd just led us right to him! What room is he in?"
Rolf: "Who?"
Crowd, Billy, Wilford, and Bloussant Girl: "Rayburn, you dumb (cuckoo)!"
Rolf: "Oh! Oh, he's in room, uh, 317."
Billy: "You're a genius! Have you ever done anything important in your life?"
Rolf: "Well, I hosted a game show once---"
Wilford: "Billy, you schmuck, we don't have time for this! We have to pay The Blank a little visit!"
(cut to arena)
JR and Crowd: "OH MY! OH MY! OH MY!"
(fade out)

(fade in)
JR: "Welcome back to GSN RAW. Right now we'd be doing another match, but we have the janitors in the ring cleaning up the silicon that busted out of Charo during our last match. Let's go backstage."
(we see Louie Anderson's crumpled body. The hosts backstage are looking. All of a sudden, here comes Rosie O'Donnell)
Rosie: "I get to host the Survivor Reunion, nanny nanny poopoo!"
Alex: "Dammit Rosie, shut the hell up. You ruin our genre with your constant coddling of losers on shows."
Other hosts: "Yeah!"
Rosie: "Oh yeah? I'll teach you that I am the queen of all daytime, even your pathetic genre! (looks at Louie and starts chanting)"
Pat: "Oh my God..."
Regis: "This does not look good."
(slowly Louie's body is magically lifted near Rosie! Then there's a flash of light, and standing before the hosts is a hideous, ugly monster with buck teeth.)Monster: "Koooooosh Balls! Dooooooonuts!"
Monty: "Oh, sh(cuckoo!)"
(hosts scream as monster advances, continuing its obsession with donuts and koosh balls)
Tom B.: "We're all gonna die!"
Tom K.: "We gotta get out of here!"
(hosts run like hell as monster ambles towards them.)
JR: "OH MY GOD! IT'S ROSIELOUZILLA! EVERYBODY RUN!"
Bill: "Shut up! The show must go on!"
JR: "We're gonna go to commercials here! Agggh!"

(fade in on the backstage area as janitors, coffee girls, makeup and hair people, wardrobe folks, and the likes are running around, screaming at the site of RosieLouZilla)
RosieLouZilla: "MMMM, DONUTS....."
(the hosts are cowering behind some boxes)
Regis: "I'm too young to die!"
Tom B.: "Look who's talking! I haven't even started hosting 'The Early Show' yet!"
Alex: "We're doomed!"
(back to Encino, where we're set for the climax of our plot. Yeah. Finally. The idiot pitchmen now stand right in front of room 317. We can hear a TV playing.)Wilford: (in a hushed voice) "So how are we going to do this."
Billy: "Room service, you dolt! Bloussant Girl, you know what to do, right?"
Bloussant Girl: "Yes!"
(the Bloussant Girl takes a deep breath, steps forward, and knocks on the door)Voice: "Who is it?"
Bloussant Girl: "Room service!"
Voice: "Room service, I didn't order room service. Helen?"
Female voice: "No! Just answer the door!"
(we hear some rustling and the first voice is grumbling as he reaches the door)Billy: "This is gonna be good! Ready, Wilford?"(Wilford nods quietly)
Bloussant Girl: "Sir?"
Voice: "I'm coming! I'm coming!"
Female voice: "Don't take too long, Gene! The best part's coming up!"
(the door suddenly opens and it is indeed The Blank, alias Gene Rayburn)
Gene: "Oh, it's---" (looks at Bloussant Girl. Then at Billy, then Wilford)
(crowd at arena is roaring)
Billy: "Surprise, Blank!" (he lunges at Gene)
Gene: "Oh, sh(cuckoo)!"
(crowd is still roaring)
Helen: "Who's that? Don't tell me you've brought along your coworkers!"
Wilford: "You don't mind if we drag his carcass to the arena, then!"
Helen: "No! He promised me a weekend in Encino! You're ruining it!"
(cameraman makes gesture)
Billy: "What?"
Cameraman: "It's the part of the climax where we go to commercial! Stop it for a few moments!"

JR: "OH MY!"
Bill: "Dammit! Just when it was getting good!"
Jerry: "Aggh!"


....and so ends Part Two. Coming soon: terror at The Encino Motel; Chuck Woolery, Peter Marshall, and Jim Peck are terrorized by RosieLouZilla; Rolf Benirschke acually does something good; and the exciting Hot Potato Match. Plus, Burger King and The Blank. Oh my!!