The HMO Christmas Song List 2005!!!!

It's that time of year again; Christmas songs on the radio non-stop from Thanksgiving to December 25. By that time many people are wishing they didn't buy that damned satellite radio, or have trashed their stereo systems.

That's where I come in with the list of songs I can tolerate the most. Several of these are holdovers from last year, so maybe I tolerate those a bit more.

A majority of these songs will come with smartass commentary by yours truly, so once you read the title, you may want to scroll down to the next.

One more thing...I decided to separate the stuff this time into little groups, which you'll probably recognize by the headers.

That being said, here's this year's list:


HOLY CRAP!!!! (I bet you thought I was going to say something else, eh? No? Uh, OK.)

• "Joy to the World." A 2004 honoree, I don't think I've been to a Christmas Eve Mass without hearing this as the final song. If the congregation is lucky, the pianist plays it at a melody most of us can sing. Come next Saturday night, one of us is bound to ask another, "how much you wanna bet the last song's 'Joy to the World?'" Ironically, the student body of Our Lady of Sorrows enjoyed a different version. Remember that one episode of The Simpsons where Nelson and Lisa go out on a date? Nelson sings, "Joy to the World, the teacher's dead/we barbecued her head! What happened to her body?/We flushed it down the potty..." Yeah, I think that may count as a sin.
• "O Holy Night." Even though we don't sing this one at church, this is about the birth of our Savior. Out of the dozens of interpretations, there's two----er, three, I enjoy. The first is by John Berry. The next one is by Cher....Letterman fans can guess where the third one comes in.
• "O Come, All Ye Faithful." Another church standard. This one carries infamous memory for me. In third grade, at the annual Christmas program, we sang this song. I had a touch of flu, but due to the fact attendance was mandatory, I was there in front singing this. On the very last line, I let loose a lovely vomit shower. I think people may still have that on tape; why I didn't see it later on national television is a surprise.
• "The Little Drummer Boy." 2004 Honoree. We did this one in kindergarten. No, I didn't barf. Give me the Bing Crosby/David Bowie version, even though you hear a drum for like only five seconds. What's Little Drummer Boy without the goddamned drum? OK, this is the religious section, gotta save the profanity for the secular shit...ooops!!
• Wait, there's another version of "O Holy Night"....Cartman's!!!
• If it has "Emmanuel" in it, it makes my list.
• "Hark the Herald Angels Sing." It works twice: in It's a Wonderful Life and A Charlie Brown Christmas.
• "What Child is This?" This probably makes the list because it's one of the few church songs where kids can cuss and get away with it; usually when you see the kids sing that lyric, they dissolve into giggles. You think that that's weird; wait until Palm Sunday when the kids nearly pee themselves during the reading of Jesus' arrival in Jerusalem.
• "We Three Kings." For being Catholic schoolkids, we offset it with our Badger blood. There wasn't a December/early January lunch period without someone getting yelled at for the innocent little "tried to smoke a rubber cigar." You should have heard the recess variation, which involves liquor. Maybe we're the reason for Lent; you can't change the lyrics to crucifixion songs. But I digress....
• "Silent Night." Another one we hear every year to the point that you don't even need the Missalette for the words. Also, another one we tormented the faculty with; when we sang "sleep in Heavenly peace," we'd take the "peace" part to about five syllables more. We did the same with "Immaculate Mary." We were a mean bunch of kids...

THE SECULAR SHIT...OOPS!!

• "Frosty the Snowman." 2004 Honoree. I love that special; can't you tell? I'm big on Jimmy Durante's narration, and damned if I don't try to imitate him sometime during the special. I see now there's a new Frosty movie with Turd Ferguson as the narrator and Patrick from Spongebob as Frosty! NOTE TO SELF: Buy Turd/Patrick Frosty DVD.
• "Holly Jolly Christmas." 2004 Honoree. Damn you, Burl Ives! No, wait, Burl Ives sang "Goober Peas," so I take that back. DAMN YOU, HERMEY! My old man hated Hermey.
• "Merry Christmas from the Family." 2004 honoree. That song rang true big time in our house last year. Let's see, everybody caught the flu, someone got arrested for DUI, and the house was in a fighting mood during Sackers/Love Boat Vikings.
• "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by Bob Rivers. Pure genious...I'm particularly fond of the light guy and Archie Bunker.
• "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Yes, that damned infectious song has made the list. Nothing like homicide by animal to brighten the holidays. Rumor has it a DJ got fired for playing this nonstop for days.
• "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys. DAMN YOU, COKE!!!
• "Rusty Chevrolet." 2004 Honoree. This is the unofficial winter driving anthems of Wisconsin and Michigan. Maybe Minnesota. Screw Illinois. What Upper Midwesterner hasn't heard this song by Da Yoopers?
• "Deck the Halls." 2004 Honoree. NOTE TO SELF: Watch the last few minutes of A Christmas Story non-freakin' stop. NEW NOTE TO SELF: Ah, hell, watch the whole movie. Nothing beats Ralphie cursing in front of The Old Man then blaming it on Schwartz. Or the kid sticking his tongue to the flagpole (that hurts like hell, speaking from experience.) Or the 785 Bumpass hounds. Or Ralphie beating the shit out of Scut Farkus.
• "Christmas, Baby (Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love. David Letterman's called it his favorite song, and for several years now has had Darlene Love come on his show to sing it. The Late Show Christmas is always great; Paul Shaffer imitates Cher, Jay Thomas tells the Lone Ranger story then knocks the meatball off the tree, and Darlene Love sings "Christmas, Baby." Good times.
• Weird Al's two Christmas tunes. First off, "Christmas at Ground Zero." The first post-apocalyptic holiday song. Next is "The Night Santa Went Crazy," where the Jolly Red Guy flips out big time. I'm torn between the original version or the "extra gory" version where an SWAT guy pops a cap in Santa.
• "Auld Lang Syne." Technically not really a Christmas song, but you're not going to hear this in July. NOTE TO SELF: Buy Mudslides, Mountain Dew, Cheetos, Berry flavored TUMS and Tylenol.

MY MUST-HAVE CHRISTMAS ALBUMS

• "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics." South Park's infamous holiday album features the Mr. Hankey theme, Cartman's version of "O Holy Night," and a 2004 Honoree, Mr. Garrison's "Merry F*****g Christmas." Unedited.
• "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by the Vince Guaraldi Trio. Beautiful by all accounts. My personal favorite instrumental would be "Skating." Charles Schultz was a genius for insisting on a jazz soundtrack.
• "A Very Larry Christmas" by Larry the Cable Guy. Sure to piss off left-leaning people everywhere. Check out his PC take on "The Night Before Christmas" and his renditions of holiday favorites. I'm torn between "Donny the Retard," "Blue Balls" and "Silent Farts." Makes us OLS kids look like angels. GIT R DONE!!!
• "Christmas the Cowboy Way." A 1999 offering by Riders in the Sky, this album features one of my favorite recent holiday tunes: "The Last Christmas Medley You'll Ever Need to Hear." Damned if I don't play this at least once a day to counter the non-freakin' stop music that I94 has played since before Thanksgiving. It's also a miracle I don't resort to drinking as a result of hearing five hundred versions of "Let it Snow" every damn day. I think I'm going to play this song now. Anyhoo, if you're a fan of yodeling, animal sounds and drumless tunes, you'd definitely enjoy this CD. Hell, I have. Is that a good enough recommendation?
• "Eight Crazy Nights." Not really a Christmas album, but Adam Sandler give Hanukkah a semi-decent rep. If you like movies where deer lick frozen shit off people (mmm, shitsicles...), frequent belching, and Carl Weathers' GNC bottle ogling Tyra Banks' Victoria's Secret outfit, you're definitely going to buy this. Most Sandlerites probably have. For good measure, there's one more version of "The Chanukah Song" with Rob Schneider.

Yeah, I think that puts the ribbons and bow on this year's list. Come next year, you'll probably see most of these songs on there again, and quite possibly more.

Happy blanking Holidays, and please keep Christ in Christmas!!!