GSWF Retro: Part One of Smackdown Plus!!
Yep, Story Two is now playing in Fun-Size (tm M&M/Mars) segments! Some stuff from GSN RAW carry over into this story, and some of the Superstars (tm WWE) are given a bit more personality. Without further ado, It's More than Smackdown.....IT'S SMACKDOWN PLUS!!
(cue logos and such, then Smackdown Plus credits, almost the same as GSN RAW, 'cept it has the old Smackdown music and such. Then cue arena shot, with pyro and loooooney fans)
(we then cut to the announce position, where the announcers are at the old school TTTT panelist desk)
JR: "Hot off the heels of Game Show-a-Mania, Smackdown Plus comes to you live from the Bob Barker Studio in California! And friends, it's going to be a real slobberknocker! With me as always are Jerry 'The King' Lawler and Bill 'The Dean' Cullen!"
Jerry: "Here we are, days removed from GS a Mania, and we're rearing to go with our next event, 'Double Jeopardy'!"
Bill: "It looks like although it's not as big as GSAM, this card is going to be great!"
JR: "Hell yeah, Bill! We have among other things, a hardcore match in which Gene the Dancing Machine will defend his title against Wayland and Madame!"
Jerry: "We also have a Battle of the Broads match in which the ladies from Hollywood Squares and Match Game will do battle! That came after a RAW match where the ladies were involved in a post-fight fight!"
Bill: "The GSNWO is also here, and they're demanding payback! They were able to revive Louie Anderson after it was realized that it only ended up being Rosie O'Donnell who perished. Also, Rolf Benirschke unbelievable is alive as well, apparently he caused the RosieLouZilla to choke to death after he got caught in its windpipe! Louie though has challenged Richard Dawson to a match for tonight! Also, intercontinental champion Amy MacGuffin, after being humiliated by Allen Ludden and I, is here, and she's maaad!"
JR: "But the main event has gotta be the rare ARMAGEDDON MATCH! This match is the most vile, the most lethal match ever devised, and tonight we will see its carnage once again as Gene Rayburn does battle with Michael Burger, with the latter's undisputed title on the line! OH MY!"
Bill: "Don't start that crap again!"
Jerry: "AGGH!"Bill: "I'm warning you!"
JR: "So stay tuned, you never know what will happen next on SMACKDOWN PLUS!"
(fade out)
(Wheel's current theme plays)
JR: "And here we go, promo time! Let's go to our Smackdown announcer, Johnny Gilbert!"
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring the host of 'Wheel of Fortune', Pat Sajak!"
Crowd: (chanting) "WE WANT VANNA! WE WANT VANNA! WE WANT VANNA!"
Pat: "Thank you, thank you!"
JR: "Sajak was one of the hosts involved in the RosieLouZilla incident from last Monday night on RAW."
Pat: "Many of you are wondering, 'Pat, why haven't you wrestled anybody lately?' Mainly, there's nobody left for me to beat! I've beaten almost every guy there is, save for some of the biggies! So why should I sit in the back and get reduced to backstage crap while guys like Chuck Woolery or Rolf Benirschke get prime roles? It's not fair!"
(Wheel's 80s theme plays as Rolf, in his hotel clerk outfit, enters)
Rolf: "Stop your whining, Sajak! I got eaten by a damn monster Monday night on RAW! You were passed out on the floor like a chicken (cuckoo)!" (cheers)
Pat: "So? At least I wasn't working as a clerk at a cheap motel in Encino!"
Rolf: "Hey, I just happen to like that job!"
Pat: "Yeah, well it's the only one you're suited for, ya piece of crap!"
Rolf: "You think you're so tough, Mr. Wheel host? Howzabout tonight we engage in a little match?"
Pat: "Ooh, Mr. Rolfie wants to fight me! You know what? Let's make it a tag team match! You find a partner! I know who mine is! Here he is, Bob Goen!"
("Big Wheels" plays as there's a "what?" reaction from crowd)
Bob G.: "Yeah, Rolf. Why Merv Griffin picked you to host Wheel for that one time is beyond me. I think Merv was hitting the wacky weed, you get my drift Sajak?"
Rolf: "Partner, eh? I'll show you partner!"
("Scrabble" theme plays, crowd goes wild on hearing the theme)
JR: "Is it who I think it is?"
(Chuck Woolery enters and stands by Rolf)
Chuck: "That's right, Sajak! I was dealing with morons who didn't know how to buy the dalmation if their lives depended on it! I'm the one who should still be hosting Wheel! So in a way, it's a tag team match between you two Wheel hosts and us!"
Pat: "The fact of the matter is this! Me and Goen can kick your guys' butts anytime, anywhere!"
Chuck: "You two just hit a stopper! And since you two think so highly of your Wheel hosting skills, let's make this match a Wheel match! We get the Wheel, Susan Stafford and Vanna, and a special guest host and we kick each other's hineys from here to Vegas!"
Pat: "You're on!"
Chuck: "Say your prayers, Sajak! This match is MINE!"
(cheers as Scrabble theme plays again)
JR: "And we have a match for tonight, a Wheel of Fortune Tag Team match! This is going to be good!"
Bill: "And it's great for you, considering you didn't say 'OH MY GOD!' or 'GOOD LORD!' or 'OH MY!' You're showing signs of improvement."
(cut to backstage area, we see a ton of people constructing a cage)
Interviewer: "And here we are, where preparations are being made for the big Armageddon Match as we speak. Nobody knows exactly what this is going to look like in the end, as the last Armageddon Match took place in the GSWF's infant years of the 60s, the infamous Bert Parks/Dennis James match that many wrestlers still talk about today. Let's go over here to one craftsman. Sir, what are you doing?"
Constructor: "Uh, what we're doing is reinforcing the steel on this cage. This ain't no hoity toity chain link fence, this is solid steel, guaranteed to bust anybody open. And we plan on lacing the outside of the cage with barbed wire, and we're thinking of even putting in some landmines. Hell, if Mick Foley and Terry Funk could survive that crap, I'm sure the hosts can too."
Interviewer: "Now remember, the objective is to incapacitate your opponent, not kill him."
Constructor: "Oh, yeah. Scratch the landmines, then. Damn, that woulda been cool. I've always been partial to Ross Shafer myself." (goes back to work)
(in another backstage area, we see some hosts in the snack bar)
Jim Peck: "Gimme the chips!"
George Gray: "NO! You can't have any more!"
Regis: "For the love of all things sacred, let him have the damn chips!"
George: "Fine!" (angrily throws bag of chips at Jim, Jim catches them and heads over to a table where Ray Combs and Monty Hall are reading this month's copy of "GAME SHOW BOMBSHELLS" with Janice Pennington on the cover)
Ray: "Ooooohhh......"
Monty: "Boy, I'd like to zonk her if you know what I mean!"
Jim: "Snack time!"
Ray: "Whoo hoo!" (starts eating chips as Monty continues reading the magazine)Jim: "Who's the centerfold?"
Monty: "Let me see...(flips some pages in the mag)...it's that chick from 'Treasure Hunt'!"
Jim: "Whoa!" (takes a look, as does Ray)
Ray: "Talk about your clunk, hoowie!"
(the others nod in agreement)
(and in one more backstage segment...set in GSWF commisioner CNR's office)Brett: "Dear, wake up! I know that you probably still hurt from that Lynde-ton bomb but you're letting it affect your work!"
CNR: "Nurse!"
(Richard Dawson enters, cheers from crowd)
Richard: "What happened to him?"
Brett: "You missed it. Paul Lynde squashed him flat. That's what he gets for whining about wanting Bess Myerson."
Richard: "Now, Chuck, it's not all your fault. It's that broad Charo that was responsible for blinding you. Don't take it out on Brett. (pauses) No, wait. You've done that for years." (crowd laughs)
CNR: "Listen...it was that broad! And I'm going to do something about it! By cracky, I'm going to challenge her to a match!"
(Brett does a spit take with her Russian club soda)
Richard: "Now that's progress!"
Brett: (in between coughs) "That's not the main thing I'm thinking about tonight."
CNR: "Yeah, well what is it?"
Brett: "It's that match, the Armageddon one."
Richard: "Yeah."
(the three are silent for a few moments.)
Brett: "Why does it have to be that match?"
CNR: "He's gone nanners, that's why!"
Richard: "Well, all those nights in Encino will do that to you!"
(he and CNR laugh)
Brett: "Now, you guys! We've all known Gene for years, and to think he's gotta stoop to this---this massacre!"
Richard: "Maybe he's got something to hide. We don't know."
CNR: "What can we do about it?"
Brett: "We sit and wait, of course. And wait some more."
Richard: "One thing's for sure...I have dibs on hosting duties after this match."
(the three just sit there and look at each other as we fade out)
(backstage segment, an interviewer is standing next to Rip Taylor)
Interviewer: "Rip, tonight you're scheduled for a match against Paul Lynde. Is there any strategy you've come up with to combat Paul's "zinger assault?"
Rip: "Why yes lady! I've got a few trips up my sleeve! Hee hee!" (tosses confetti on interviewer and walks off hee-heeing)
Interviewer: "Well, that was short. I'm going to go back and see how the construction is going."
(meanwhile, at the snack bar....)
Ray: "Now Monty, is it true that you usually zonk the contestant should Jay Stewart immediately run off after doing something?"
Monty: "If we did that, it'd be rigging. I'm not Jack Barry."
(Jack Barry stands up)
Jack: "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF RIGGING! I NEVER RIGGED ANYTHING!"
Ray: "Yeah, sure! Herb Stempel still sticks in your you know what, doesn't he?"
Jack: "I NEVER RIGGED!"
(Charges towards table and starts punching Ray, other hosts come and break up the two)
Ray: "Barry! I want Barry!"
Monty: "You can have him! I wanna look at this mag!"
Jack: "You want me, Combs? Fine! Let's settle this in the ring! And let's make this a Joker-Joker-Dumpster Match!"
Ray: "Fine! Survey says I'll kick your (cuckoo)!"
(Jack leaves and Ray sits down. Monty stops reading the magazine long enough to look at Ray)
Monty: "Sucks to be you." (goes back to reading mag)
(cut to arena...TTD theme plays)
Johnny: "Our first match this evening is schedule for one fall. First, the most recognizable host of Tic Tac Dough, and also the host of Gambit, Wink Martindale!"
(Wink enters ring, cheers. Then "Survivor" theme plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, who came once again from Marquesas to compete, here he is, Jeff Probst!"
(Jeff enters ring, but he's booed because there's no women)
Johnny: "Our referee tonight will be Charlie O'Donnell, and our timekeeper will be Ira Skutch."
Crowd: "School Riot! Riot! Riot!"
JR: "Here we go, your standard match. No reason why it was booked, but it's a nice appetizer for the stuff later on. (bell rings) And here goes Probst on the offense with some punches. And there's the Tribal Scream. That's gotta hurt!"
Bill: "That may hurt, but think of the hurting that's going to happen in the Armageddon Match. I see from what we saw earlier this match is going to be bigger and bloodier than the previous one."
JR: "The Dennis James/Bert Parks Armageddon match...I was just starting out in the announcing business when that one happened. Oh, and Probst does a tilt-a-whirl slam. That match was what Jan Murray said was the bloodiest thing he'd seen as a commentator. He mentioned that should this match ever happen again, Lord have mercy on us all. Jan, if you're watching at home tonight, be afraid."
(Wink kicks out of a near pinfall and low blows Probst)
JR: "Also, the Anderson/Dawson match should be interesting, and we just saw Feud's other host Ray Combs challenge Jack Barry to a Joker-Joker-Dumpster match. We do have other matches tonight. And Wink does a DDT on Probst! And he's climbing on the top rope, Probst is crawling over to the ropes---and he tugs them...and Wink is dropped on that upper turnbuckle, and he just fell off. OH MY! He hit the ref!"
Bill: "Any guesses as to who the ref for the Armageddon Match could be?"
JR: "No, not off the bat. I wonder if anybody's game to even ask somebody to do it."
(the ref is knocked out, and as Wink lies in pain, Jeff goes out and grabs a chair. He's just about to do a TKO to Wink when out of nowhere, Alex Trebek rushes into the ring)
Alex: "I'll show you who the real Jeopardy quiz master is!"
(grabs chair, whips Jeff, and then gives him a Baldo Bomb on the chair. Alex then runs out of there)
Bill: "And there's Trebek, interfering! There's a distaste between the Jeopardy and Rock and Roll Jeopardy hosts. Good heavens! And Martindale has no clue what the heck just happened, but he's going to go for his trademark, the Dragon Splash!"
JR: "There he goes! (Wink does a RVD splash) And the ref is up...and Wink makes the cover...1! 2! 3! And that's how we start off Smackdown Plus tonight!"
Johnny: "The winner via pinfall----"
Patrick Wayne, in audience: "YOUUUUUUU WIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!"
(Ira goes into crowd and clocks Patrick)
Johnny: "Thank you timekeeper. The winner via pinfall, Wink Martindale!"
(Wink leaves, as Probst gets up and demands a mic. The mic person tosses one in the ring)
Jeff: "Damn you, Trebek! You've screwed me for the final time! You're going to get voted off this planet! Why? I'm challenging you to a Tribal Council match at RAW's 'Fast Forward'!!! What do you say, Trebek?"
(Alex walks out with mic in hand)
Alex: "What is, you got it, Probst! The tribe has indeed spoken!"
(1984 "Jeopardy!" theme plays)
JR: "Jeff Probst versus Alex Trebek on RAW! This is going to be one harsh match-up! Who's going to win immunity after this one?"
(backstage, in the parking lot, a limo pulls up. The doors open, and the GSNWO: Vince, Michael Burger, Louie Anderson, Gary Kroger, Pat Bullard, and Amy MacGuffin climb out. Crowd boos)
JR: "The GSNWO have arrived! God have mercy on us all!"
(meanwhile, in commissioner CNR's office, the commish, Brett and Richard continue their conversation)
Brett: "Have you appointed a ref yet?"
Richard: "I know it won't be me!"
CNR: "A ref? Huh-hull, do I have a referee for you!"
Brett: "Who's it going to be?"
Richard: "Yeah, hamburger, tell us!"
CNR: "That's for me to know (points finger at Brett and Richard) and for you to find out!"
(knock on door)
Brett: "Door's open dearie! Bring the drinks in here!"
(Peter Marshall enters. Cheers and faintly audible chants of "Charley Weaver to block!")
Richard: "Pete!"
Brett: "No drinks, eh? All right. What are you doing here?"
Peter: "Well, it's about that match tonight, the one with Gene."
Richard: "Talk away, boy!"
Peter: "And it just seems it's going to be brutal, and I just don't like the odds. You know, Burger's cronies."
CNR: "Yeah?"
Peter: "Well, what if I was the one in there?"
Richard: "You?"
Brett: "Well, look at him! You can just barely tell there's a difference!"
CNR: "I think I know where you're getting at! You want to fool him into thinking that you're Gene!"
Peter: "Exactly!"
Richard: "I like your thinking, Peter. Tell us more."
(the four huddle as we cut to another backstage segment, where the interviewer is viewing more of the construction)
Interviewer: "And here we are once again, where the construction continues on the Armageddon Match stuff. As you can see, it's slowly beginning to take shape, with these pieces being transported to the ring shortly before the main event. Also, the order has been placed for the weapons. A carbon copy has stated there will be standard Armageddon match weapons, along with much of the stuff you see in Hardcore matches. Also, an order has been place for cue cards and cameras. Later on, the techno savants will begin the final stages of this match planning. Boys, it's shaping up to be one helluva slobberknocker."
(fade out, into commercials)
Announcer: "It was an unpleasant scene last Monday night on RAW."
Michael Burger: "Where are you, Blank?"
Announcer: "Rivlaries turned into matches."
Allen Ludden: "I have a lot of it, compared to you cowards!"
Holly Halstrom: "You'll be challenging the Inquizitor to a game of HOT POTATO!"
Announcer: "Not even those backstage were safe."
JR: "OH MY GOD! IT'S ROSIELOUZILLA! EVERYBODY RUN!"
Regis Philbin: "I'm too young to die!"
Tom Bergeron: "Come on, Monty, find the chant for big fast monsters."
Announcer: "Those not even in the arena were not safe."
Chuck Woolery: "Great, the night we get off from wrestling, and this crap happens!"
Announcer: "Even in Encino."
Billy Mays: "This is gonna be good! Ready, Wilford?" (Wilford nods quietly) (cameraman makes gesture)
Billy: "What?"
Cameraman: "It's the part of the climax where we go to commercial! Stop it for a few moments!"
Announcer: "But it all ended up in one big ugly climax."
(RosieLouZilla drops Rolf Benirschke in its mouth. Chuck Woolery passes out. Jim Peck's jaw drops. Peter Marshall starts quaking)
Cameraman: "Good Lord!"
(RosieLouZilla swallows, then rubs its tummy)
RosieLouZilla: "Mmm, yummmy..." (it starts heading for the car)
Peter: "We're all gonna die!"
(Just as RosieLouZilla towers over the car, it stops, then clutches its stomach, groans loudly and begins to slowly---you guessed it, fall.)
Announcer: "And once that little nuisance was taken care of..."
Stone Cold Steve Austin: "WHAT? I want a title shot!"
Undertaker: "No way! He's mine, at Judgment Day!"
Chris Jericho: "I'm going to beat the has-bean at Smackdown!"
Gilbert Gottfried, in audience: "YOU FOOLS! You're at the wrong show!"
Stone Cold: "WHAT?"
Gilbert: "This is GSN Raw, not WWF Raw! They're in Burbank!"
Stone Cold, Undertaker, and Jericho: "OH! OKAY!" (they leave)
Announcer: "Oops, wrong promo film. OK, once that little nuisance was taken care of..."
Bill: "Shut up already!"
Announcer: "Sorry."
Michael: "I'm going to end your career-ah!"
Gene Rayburn: "Can I add a stipulation?"
Michael: "Be my guest, you (cuckoo!)"
Gene: "You've heard about that infamous James/Parks cage match, haven't you? Ended both their careers? It was something called the Armageddon match. Steel cage, a ton of weapons, anything went until one guy got out or incapacitated the other?"
Michael: "Yeah, so?"
Gene: "Don't you get it? I just chose the stipulation! You and me in an Armageddon Match!"
JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "You gotta be kidding me!"
Jerry: "God almighty! Agggghhhh!"
Michael: "Fine! I'll still whup you either way! Mark the calendar! Your career is done on S+!"
Announcer: "That's GSN RAW, repeating tonight after Smackdown Plus, only on Game Show Network."
(fade out)
(backstage segment. Vince is in the construction area with Michael)
Vince: "Michael, I know how bad you want to keep your title, but with THIS type of match? You should have let ME made the stipulation so you wouldn't have to worry!"
Michael: "Sorry Vince, but this match will be my crowning moment!"
Worker: "You guys can't be back here! Noone except for certified personnel allowed."
Vince: "Come on!" (drags Michael off)
(another backstage segment. Snack bar time, where Monty continues leering at the smut mag)
Monty: "I tell you, that Janice Pennington is one HOTTIE!"
Jim P.: "I beg to differ! Lacey's a fox!"
Monty: "Oh, yeah? Let's ask them!"
(they walk over to Lacey and Janice)
Jim P.: "Lacey, you're hot!"
Lacey: "Thanks. Compared to Miss White Trash here!"
Janice: "Oh yeah, skank?"
(other hosts oooh)
Lacey: "Yeah! And I look better in a swimsuit!"
Janice: "Yeah, except for when Eubanks is wearing it!"
Monty: "Girls, girls, girls! Don't get it on in here! Take it out in the ring!"
Jim P.: "Monty---didn't the set people install some sort of kiddie pool?"
Monty: "Yeah, they did!"
Jim P.: "This is gonna be sweeet!"
JR: "A swimsuit match for tonight! Whoa goodness!"
(interviewer is backstage by locker room)
Interviewer: "And we're waiting for an appearance by the Intercontinental Champion Amy MacGuffin. (door opens) And here she is. Amy, last Monday night at GS-a Mania you were unmasked by Bill Cullen with some assistance from Allen Ludden. What has been your reaction to this."
Amy: "I am furious! I am mad! I want revenge! I want Cullen!"
(cut to announce table, Bill looks up with bug-eyes)
Interviewer: "Amy, how can you challenge an announcer?"
Amy: "I want Bill Cullen tonight! And I'll even put up my title! But I get to make the stipulation. But not now! I want to wait...right before the match, to make that decision. See your butt in the ring, Cullen!"
(Bill looks nauseated)
JR: "Amy MacGuffin, that Jezebel, has challenged our own Bill Cullen to a Mystery Stip match for the Intercontinental Title. Bill?"
Bill: "What does she have to prove? I'll accept and show her we don't take kindly to b*****s as hosts!"
(crowd cheers as Smackdown music plays)
JR: "This night just seems to get better! Stay tuned!"
(fade out)
(fade in on backstage area where some staffers are talking. We see the cameraman from RAW is among them)
Cameraman: "And then the monster was all 'roarr,' and Chuck Woolery lost control of his lower body, and Rolf was all 'agggh!' and the monster just ate him! It was too scary, but too cool at the same time!"
Makeup lady: "So, when are you planning to file your resignation."
Cameraman: "Well, I planned on doing it tonight, but I was told I'm one of the cameramen for the main event tonight, so I get one last moment in the spotlight."
Makeup lady: "Too cool."
(another backstage segment. We see Wayland and Madame wheeling a cart with them. That means....to the arena!)
Johnny: "Our next match is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the GSWF Hardcore Championship! First the challengers, from Madame's Place, Wayland Flowers and Madame!"
(crowd gives somewhat mild response to the two. Madame is dressed in her usual frock)
JR: "Should be an exciting match coming up for the Hardcore title."
(The Dancing Machine music plays, ladies start screaming)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the Chuck Barris Stages in Hollywood California, the GSWF Hardcore Champion, Gene the Stagehand!"
Ladies in crowd: (chanting) "Gene! Gene! Gene!"
JR: "The 'Gong Show' stagehand quite popular with the ladies. Too bad Jerry, if you were more like him, maybe you'd get some too."
Jerry: "Shut up JR, that's not funny! What about you?"
Bill: "One must wonder if there's somebody brave enough to invoke the 24-7 rule. Chuck Barris could be one, he lost the title to the Stagehand on RAW."
(bell rings)
JR: "And here we go! Madame, grabbing a trash can, and she just tosses it at Gene the Stagehand! He staggered a little, but he's still up. And he grabs---he's got a chainsaw! Madame just passed out!"
Wayland: "Madame! Madame! Wake up!"
JR: "And here comes the Stagehand....and he's motioned the music people in the back."
(The now famous Dancing Machine theme plays)
JR: "And forget Gene the Stagehand--he's now Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine!"(ladies in crowd start screaming)
Bill: "Somebody get the hoses! The girls are going nuts!"
JR: "Wayland is just standing there looking...and the Dancing Machine just grabbed a table, and he punks out Wayland! There he goes, puts him on top of the table...and OH MY! He's going to the top rope!"
Ladies in Crowd: "Gene! Gene! Gene!"
JR: "And there he goes! OH MY GOD! A body splash, and he just gave Wayland and Madame a new partner! The Dancing Machine makes the cover...1! 2! 3! (bell rings) And he retains!"
(ladies are going nuts)
Johnny: "The winner via pinfall, and STILL GSWF Hardcore Champion, Gene the Dancing Machine!"
(a midget runs into the ring and starts celebrating)
JR: "Wayland Flowers giving it his best shot, but in the end, it was the experience of Gene the Stagehand/Dancing Machine that won out."
Bill: "Sometimes, that's just how it works out."
JR: "That's right, Bill."
(backstage segment, where some people are wheeling in something that was seen on RAW.)
Worker: "I guess we should be getting this into the ring."
Other Worker: "Yeah. How much you bet she'll win?"
(cut to announce table, Bill immediately pales.)
("Inquizition" music plays)
Johnny: "Oh! Our next match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the GSWF Intercontinental Championship! Here comes the champion, Amy MacGuffin!"
(loud boos as Amy enters ring)
JR: "Well, Bill...what else can I say?"
Jerry: "Good luck, man!"
(Bill leaves his position and enters ring)
Amy: "Here we are, Cullen! I can see your fear. You're scared of what I'm going to do to you. Well, it's time to pick the stip. OK, boys, bring it in!"
(the workers carry the Gimmick Wheel into the ring)
Bill: "Oh, that! That was fun what I did to you last week!"
Amy: "I HATE YOU! So I decided to level a little payback, and I'm going to use this to decide the gimmick. Remember what happens when I land on a star?"
Bill: "Tag team, of course."
Amy: "Prepare to die, fool!" (spins wheel, fans can't bear to look)
JR: "And there it goes, it's slowing down....and it's landed on a Table match! And it's on a star, which means it's tag team! Bill needs a partner!"
Amy: "A Tag Team Table match! OK, Cullen! I'll show you MY partner!"
(Weakest Link music plays as Anne Robinson enters the arena amidst boos)
JR: "Geez, two *****es in one ring."
Bill: "Hmm. Let me see my options. I can only think of one person, and it was a good thing I talked to him over the break, because he's on his way out. Amy? Here's MY partner!"
("Password" theme plays. Crowd roars as Allen Ludden walks down the aisle and into the ring, standing next to Bill)
Crowd: (chanting) "HI DOLL! HI DOLL! HI DOLL!"
Allen: "Thank you everybody! The Password for tonight is 'kick.' I'm gonna kick your (cuckoo!), Inquizitor!"
(crowd roars)
Allen: "But first, we have to do this ad so stay tuned."
("Password Plus" music plays as we fade out)
Announcer: "You've cried, you've begged, you've flamed each other senseless. To see more of this stuff, visit the Game Show Network Forum, sponsors of tonight's Smackdown Plus. Tomorrow night on E!...they're cute...they're sneaky...and they stole your cash should you hit them. The Whammies made 'Press Your Luck' into what it is today. But behind the scenes, even they were human."
Peter Tomarken: "You'd go back there, see them shooting up, having unprotected sex."
Announcer: "Out of control attitudes..."
Tammy Whammette: "He--he kept beating me! I don't know what I did wrong!"
Announcer: "And spiraled into a living hell."
Peter: "One said he could fly..."
Announcer: "Until they finally hit rock bottom."
(cue scene of Whammy funeral. Other Whammies are crying)
Peter: "They just let their impulses get them."
Announcer: "It's the story you haven't heard. Whammy! The E! True Hollywood Story, tomorrow night on E!"
(fade in on ring. The tag teams stand there)
JR: "A tag team table match, which means anybody could win that belt. No pinfall here, the only way you win is if you put someone through a table."
Jerry: "Shouldn't we have a guest commentator?"
JR: "Oh, yes! (grabs mic) Friends, for this match we have a special guest commentator. He's the one and only Banana Man himself, Bert Convy!"
(70s "Tattletales" music plays as Bert sits down at the announce table)
Bert: "Thanks for having me on as commentator, you guys! This whole match looks like it could get nasty though."
JR: "You're telling me."
(bell rings)
JR: "And here we go, MacGuffin attacks Cullen. Knocks him down. She's focusing on his leg---but there's Ludden with a double axe handle from behind! Cullen's up, he and Ludden double teaming the champ. But there's Robinson, going underneath and whipping out a table."
(Anne puts the table in the ring and sets it up)
Bert: "Anne Robinson, getting to the gist of the match. That means anyone's fair game now."
JR: "Bert, I gotta ask, what are you thinking about tonight's card? You were obviously lucky, you're not booked for one tonight, but I'm surprised you're still in one piece after getting caught in that catfight."
Bert: "Yes, that. Well, it was nothing I haven't handled before, so fortunately I got out of it before it got real ugly. As for tonight, that Battle of the Broads could be interesting, but both sides both have the risk of running some of their male brethren in the ring. The Dawson/Anderson match is a rematch from their PPV fight which caused Dawson to miss some ring time. It's his return match tonight, so he could be a little rusty. Oh, MacGuffin lowblowed Ludden there, now she and Robinson are setting up Cullen for the table. Anyways, the match I'm worried about is the mainer. What were they thinking? I could be moving on up on the card after this night is over."
JR: "Hell yeah, Bert. There's MacGuffin, on the top rope--but Ludden got over there and crotched her! MacGuffin collapses in pain. Cullen is off the table."
Allen: "Bill! Get out of here! I can handle this!"
Bill: "You crazy?"
Allen: "You don't need the belt!"
Bill: "True! But you can't take on the two of them alone!"
Allen: "Yeah, but---"
(Bill grabs Anne and piledrives her into the floor. Anne is out of contention.)
Bill: "She's all yours, Allen!"
(Allen looks at Mac Guffin, who's staggering around the ring. He grab her, sets her up by the table, and gives her the Last Ride, through the table.)
JR: "HE DID IT! HE DID IT!"
Bert: "Wow!"
Jerry: "That was so damn awesome, he just broke that table to smithereens!"
(bell rings, crowd roars. Bill grabs the belt and re-enters the ring)
Johnny: "The winner via the table, and NEW GSWF Intercontinental Champion, Allen Ludden!"
Crowd: (chanting) "ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN!"
(Bill hands Allen the belt and raises his hand)
JR: "And our commentator celebrates in the ring with the new Intercontinental champion. Bert, thanks for providing commentary for this match. Who knows, you could have a future in the booth here."
Bert: "Thanks so much for the opportunity to do this, JR. I've got a rooting section to calm down, though, so I guess I should get going. Tell Bill he was awesome tonight."
JR: "Will do. Bert Convy, ladies and gentlemen! This has been an interesting night so far! Don't forget, we have some exciting matches tonight, and you never know what the hell will happen."
(backstage, Jim Perry is strolling down the hall when all of a sudden Pat Bullard jumps him. Bullard completely obliterates the CS' first host and leaves him laying. He screams something to the effect of "Lower!" and walks away. Crowd is heard booing in background.)
(meanwhile, back at the snack bar...)
Monty: "You know, I'm bored. Let's go to Bob Eubanks' dressing room and play ding dong ditch."
Jim: "Cool! Let's go by Kennedy's room and see if he wants to to!"
Monty: "Oh, all right! It'll only be a Split Second!!"
(crowd groans as the two leave, snickering.)
(in the entrance area, we see a door, most likely the entry way to the parking lot for wrestlers and such. The door budges, but doesn't open. Then, the door gives way and is busted wide open. The attendant at the door notices.)
Attendant: "Dammit, Rayburn! Can't you enter like any sane person?"
(attendant walks over and pries away the door and lets the Match Game host in. Crowd roars)
Gene: "Whoops. (looks at door.) It wouldn't open!"
Attendant: "Yeah, that's what you said the last time! (curses) All right, all right. Lemme check if you got any illegal crap. (grabs Gene's bag and looks through it, still cursing.) Clean. Goddammed set wrecker. All right. You can go in."
Gene: "Thank you. So what about the door?"
Attendant: "It's going to be busted across your blank in a minute!"
Gene: "All right! All right!" (slowly backs away and walks off. Attendant looks at door remains and continues cursing.)
(meanwhile...geez, these backstage segments are getting out of hand...)
Monty: "Man, Eubanks is gonna love this!"
Jim: "You damn straight he will. Hah!"
Tom Kennedy: "We're going to be lucky if we're still alive after this."
(the three reach the room, with a door saying "Whoopie Making Zone.")
Tom: "Who's gonna do it?"
Monty: "Me, me!" (knocks on door.)
Bob, from behind door: "Coming!"
(the three hosts laugh, then hide behind some large stuff so Eubanks can't see them. The door opens, and Bob looks out.)
Bob: "Damn pranksters."
(he goes back in. Once the door shuts, Monty, Jim and Tom bust out laughing hysterically. We're left with that image as we fade.)
(fade back in on Monty, Jim and Tom in stitches)
Jim: "My turn, my turn!"
(knocks on door. He hears footsteps, and hurries back to his hiding spot. Except for Eubanks leaves the door open, leaving Lacey exposed in the open.)
Lacey: "EEEEKKKKK!"
(Monty stands up)
Bob: "What the HELL?"
Monty: "I'll trade for what's behind the door!"
Bob: "You bas(cuckoo!)" (starts fighting Monty. Lacey throws a towel around herself and slams the door while Monty and Bob continue fighting)
Tom: "Dammit, and I didn't get to knock!"
(backstage, more of the set is being constructed)
Constructor: "OK, now that goes over here, but we're going to need some room, so don't make it too tight."
Another constructor: "Check!"
Constructor: "Now, we can't put in the goodies until later, so we have to keep those separate, but in some appropriately marked containers. (he sees Gene walking down the hall) And make sure only the people with proper credentials handle them! Hold it!"
Gene: "Where's the locker room?"
Constructor: "The other way...we're not supposed to let the combatants look at our little handiwork. Sheryl here can direct you."
Sheryl, some chick reading the invoices: "Uh, what? Oh, yeah! Yeah! Right this way!" (she shoots an evil glance at the Constructor as she escorts Gene down the hall)
Constructor: "OK, we handled that well, folks. Let's keep this show going!"
(in commissioner CNR's office...)
Peter: "So, what do you think?"
CNR: "It's nice and all that, but they could see right through it."
Brett: "Right! You did come up with a doozy, though."
Peter: "Oh. Well, I did try. If you guys excuse me, I have to keep the Squares girls under control."
CNR: "Say hi to Paul for me!"
(Peter shakes his head as he leaves. At the same time, we hear Sheryl the chick in the construction area)
Sheryl: "I hate that damned guy! How in hell am I supposed to know where the damn locker room is? That (cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo), damn!"
Gene: "I know this studio by heart, I can go from here."
Sheryl: "No dammit, I'm going to find that locker room, then I'm going to go back and kick that guy in the---" (she accidentally walks in the commish's office)
Brett: "Drinks?"
Sheryl: "No, Blank."
CNR: "Send him in! I have to talk to him about---about, uh----official stuff!"
Sheryl: "Fine...right in here."
(Gene enters the office, crowd roars again, Brett stands up, and Dawson gives the proper salute)
CNR: "Well, what are you waiting for? Brett to come up with something logical?"
Gene: "All right, I don't want you messing up your hair. (sits down) So what are we talking about?"
Richard: "Strategy, old bean!"
Gene: "Oh..."
(more backstage shenaningans, back to the Monty and Bob fracas)
Bob: "And (punches Monty as he says each word) that's what you get for looking at MY dealers!"
Jim: "Monty can take you on any time, any day, Pee-yewbanks! Tonight would be a fine opportunity!"
Bob: "All right, him versus me!"
Tom: "Can I knock on the door now?"
(fade out)
JR: "Tonight's Smackdown Plus is brought to you by Mountain Dew. Do the Dew. Also by Keebler Cookies. What the hell do those elves put in the cookies that make 'em taste so good?"
Bill: "Also by Orville Redenbacher popcorn. Damn, that stuff's good!"
Jerry: "And by Stacker 2, the World's Strongest Fat Burner! The ad folks are trying to top Lita in a racecar, so how about the Rock hosting a game show?"
(cut to the familiar Newlywed Game sign)
Johnny Jacobs: "From the Chuck Barris stages in Hollywood, California...HERE COME THE NEWLYWEDS!" (theme plays) Yes, it's the Newlywed Game. Now introducing our newlywed couples. Couple number 1, married for just two months, Sam and Janelle Clarke! Couple number 2, married for just eight months, Joe and Diane Smith! Couple number 3, married for just 7 months, Michael and Michelle DuBois! And couple number 4, married for just four months, Doug and Tionne Berg! Those are today's newlyweds, and now the special guest host of the Newlywed Game, The Rock!"
(The Rock, wearing a Pierre Cardin suit, enters.)Audience: "ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!"
Rock: "Finally, the Rock has come back to the Chuck Barris Stages! We're going to find out just how much those jabroni couples know about each other. So sit on your candy (cuckoo)s and stay tuned, if ya smelllllllll! What the Rock---------is cookin.' "
JR: "So be sure to watch that special episode of the Newlywed Game this Sunday night on GSN. It's sure to be a slobberknocker. Stay tuned!"
(fade out)
After promos and backstage spots galore, this seems like a good place to stop. In Part Two, witness Joker Joker Dumpster, Lynde vs. Taylor, Hall vs. Eubanks, and more.
(cue logos and such, then Smackdown Plus credits, almost the same as GSN RAW, 'cept it has the old Smackdown music and such. Then cue arena shot, with pyro and loooooney fans)
(we then cut to the announce position, where the announcers are at the old school TTTT panelist desk)
JR: "Hot off the heels of Game Show-a-Mania, Smackdown Plus comes to you live from the Bob Barker Studio in California! And friends, it's going to be a real slobberknocker! With me as always are Jerry 'The King' Lawler and Bill 'The Dean' Cullen!"
Jerry: "Here we are, days removed from GS a Mania, and we're rearing to go with our next event, 'Double Jeopardy'!"
Bill: "It looks like although it's not as big as GSAM, this card is going to be great!"
JR: "Hell yeah, Bill! We have among other things, a hardcore match in which Gene the Dancing Machine will defend his title against Wayland and Madame!"
Jerry: "We also have a Battle of the Broads match in which the ladies from Hollywood Squares and Match Game will do battle! That came after a RAW match where the ladies were involved in a post-fight fight!"
Bill: "The GSNWO is also here, and they're demanding payback! They were able to revive Louie Anderson after it was realized that it only ended up being Rosie O'Donnell who perished. Also, Rolf Benirschke unbelievable is alive as well, apparently he caused the RosieLouZilla to choke to death after he got caught in its windpipe! Louie though has challenged Richard Dawson to a match for tonight! Also, intercontinental champion Amy MacGuffin, after being humiliated by Allen Ludden and I, is here, and she's maaad!"
JR: "But the main event has gotta be the rare ARMAGEDDON MATCH! This match is the most vile, the most lethal match ever devised, and tonight we will see its carnage once again as Gene Rayburn does battle with Michael Burger, with the latter's undisputed title on the line! OH MY!"
Bill: "Don't start that crap again!"
Jerry: "AGGH!"Bill: "I'm warning you!"
JR: "So stay tuned, you never know what will happen next on SMACKDOWN PLUS!"
(fade out)
(Wheel's current theme plays)
JR: "And here we go, promo time! Let's go to our Smackdown announcer, Johnny Gilbert!"
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring the host of 'Wheel of Fortune', Pat Sajak!"
Crowd: (chanting) "WE WANT VANNA! WE WANT VANNA! WE WANT VANNA!"
Pat: "Thank you, thank you!"
JR: "Sajak was one of the hosts involved in the RosieLouZilla incident from last Monday night on RAW."
Pat: "Many of you are wondering, 'Pat, why haven't you wrestled anybody lately?' Mainly, there's nobody left for me to beat! I've beaten almost every guy there is, save for some of the biggies! So why should I sit in the back and get reduced to backstage crap while guys like Chuck Woolery or Rolf Benirschke get prime roles? It's not fair!"
(Wheel's 80s theme plays as Rolf, in his hotel clerk outfit, enters)
Rolf: "Stop your whining, Sajak! I got eaten by a damn monster Monday night on RAW! You were passed out on the floor like a chicken (cuckoo)!" (cheers)
Pat: "So? At least I wasn't working as a clerk at a cheap motel in Encino!"
Rolf: "Hey, I just happen to like that job!"
Pat: "Yeah, well it's the only one you're suited for, ya piece of crap!"
Rolf: "You think you're so tough, Mr. Wheel host? Howzabout tonight we engage in a little match?"
Pat: "Ooh, Mr. Rolfie wants to fight me! You know what? Let's make it a tag team match! You find a partner! I know who mine is! Here he is, Bob Goen!"
("Big Wheels" plays as there's a "what?" reaction from crowd)
Bob G.: "Yeah, Rolf. Why Merv Griffin picked you to host Wheel for that one time is beyond me. I think Merv was hitting the wacky weed, you get my drift Sajak?"
Rolf: "Partner, eh? I'll show you partner!"
("Scrabble" theme plays, crowd goes wild on hearing the theme)
JR: "Is it who I think it is?"
(Chuck Woolery enters and stands by Rolf)
Chuck: "That's right, Sajak! I was dealing with morons who didn't know how to buy the dalmation if their lives depended on it! I'm the one who should still be hosting Wheel! So in a way, it's a tag team match between you two Wheel hosts and us!"
Pat: "The fact of the matter is this! Me and Goen can kick your guys' butts anytime, anywhere!"
Chuck: "You two just hit a stopper! And since you two think so highly of your Wheel hosting skills, let's make this match a Wheel match! We get the Wheel, Susan Stafford and Vanna, and a special guest host and we kick each other's hineys from here to Vegas!"
Pat: "You're on!"
Chuck: "Say your prayers, Sajak! This match is MINE!"
(cheers as Scrabble theme plays again)
JR: "And we have a match for tonight, a Wheel of Fortune Tag Team match! This is going to be good!"
Bill: "And it's great for you, considering you didn't say 'OH MY GOD!' or 'GOOD LORD!' or 'OH MY!' You're showing signs of improvement."
(cut to backstage area, we see a ton of people constructing a cage)
Interviewer: "And here we are, where preparations are being made for the big Armageddon Match as we speak. Nobody knows exactly what this is going to look like in the end, as the last Armageddon Match took place in the GSWF's infant years of the 60s, the infamous Bert Parks/Dennis James match that many wrestlers still talk about today. Let's go over here to one craftsman. Sir, what are you doing?"
Constructor: "Uh, what we're doing is reinforcing the steel on this cage. This ain't no hoity toity chain link fence, this is solid steel, guaranteed to bust anybody open. And we plan on lacing the outside of the cage with barbed wire, and we're thinking of even putting in some landmines. Hell, if Mick Foley and Terry Funk could survive that crap, I'm sure the hosts can too."
Interviewer: "Now remember, the objective is to incapacitate your opponent, not kill him."
Constructor: "Oh, yeah. Scratch the landmines, then. Damn, that woulda been cool. I've always been partial to Ross Shafer myself." (goes back to work)
(in another backstage area, we see some hosts in the snack bar)
Jim Peck: "Gimme the chips!"
George Gray: "NO! You can't have any more!"
Regis: "For the love of all things sacred, let him have the damn chips!"
George: "Fine!" (angrily throws bag of chips at Jim, Jim catches them and heads over to a table where Ray Combs and Monty Hall are reading this month's copy of "GAME SHOW BOMBSHELLS" with Janice Pennington on the cover)
Ray: "Ooooohhh......"
Monty: "Boy, I'd like to zonk her if you know what I mean!"
Jim: "Snack time!"
Ray: "Whoo hoo!" (starts eating chips as Monty continues reading the magazine)Jim: "Who's the centerfold?"
Monty: "Let me see...(flips some pages in the mag)...it's that chick from 'Treasure Hunt'!"
Jim: "Whoa!" (takes a look, as does Ray)
Ray: "Talk about your clunk, hoowie!"
(the others nod in agreement)
(and in one more backstage segment...set in GSWF commisioner CNR's office)Brett: "Dear, wake up! I know that you probably still hurt from that Lynde-ton bomb but you're letting it affect your work!"
CNR: "Nurse!"
(Richard Dawson enters, cheers from crowd)
Richard: "What happened to him?"
Brett: "You missed it. Paul Lynde squashed him flat. That's what he gets for whining about wanting Bess Myerson."
Richard: "Now, Chuck, it's not all your fault. It's that broad Charo that was responsible for blinding you. Don't take it out on Brett. (pauses) No, wait. You've done that for years." (crowd laughs)
CNR: "Listen...it was that broad! And I'm going to do something about it! By cracky, I'm going to challenge her to a match!"
(Brett does a spit take with her Russian club soda)
Richard: "Now that's progress!"
Brett: (in between coughs) "That's not the main thing I'm thinking about tonight."
CNR: "Yeah, well what is it?"
Brett: "It's that match, the Armageddon one."
Richard: "Yeah."
(the three are silent for a few moments.)
Brett: "Why does it have to be that match?"
CNR: "He's gone nanners, that's why!"
Richard: "Well, all those nights in Encino will do that to you!"
(he and CNR laugh)
Brett: "Now, you guys! We've all known Gene for years, and to think he's gotta stoop to this---this massacre!"
Richard: "Maybe he's got something to hide. We don't know."
CNR: "What can we do about it?"
Brett: "We sit and wait, of course. And wait some more."
Richard: "One thing's for sure...I have dibs on hosting duties after this match."
(the three just sit there and look at each other as we fade out)
(backstage segment, an interviewer is standing next to Rip Taylor)
Interviewer: "Rip, tonight you're scheduled for a match against Paul Lynde. Is there any strategy you've come up with to combat Paul's "zinger assault?"
Rip: "Why yes lady! I've got a few trips up my sleeve! Hee hee!" (tosses confetti on interviewer and walks off hee-heeing)
Interviewer: "Well, that was short. I'm going to go back and see how the construction is going."
(meanwhile, at the snack bar....)
Ray: "Now Monty, is it true that you usually zonk the contestant should Jay Stewart immediately run off after doing something?"
Monty: "If we did that, it'd be rigging. I'm not Jack Barry."
(Jack Barry stands up)
Jack: "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF RIGGING! I NEVER RIGGED ANYTHING!"
Ray: "Yeah, sure! Herb Stempel still sticks in your you know what, doesn't he?"
Jack: "I NEVER RIGGED!"
(Charges towards table and starts punching Ray, other hosts come and break up the two)
Ray: "Barry! I want Barry!"
Monty: "You can have him! I wanna look at this mag!"
Jack: "You want me, Combs? Fine! Let's settle this in the ring! And let's make this a Joker-Joker-Dumpster Match!"
Ray: "Fine! Survey says I'll kick your (cuckoo)!"
(Jack leaves and Ray sits down. Monty stops reading the magazine long enough to look at Ray)
Monty: "Sucks to be you." (goes back to reading mag)
(cut to arena...TTD theme plays)
Johnny: "Our first match this evening is schedule for one fall. First, the most recognizable host of Tic Tac Dough, and also the host of Gambit, Wink Martindale!"
(Wink enters ring, cheers. Then "Survivor" theme plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, who came once again from Marquesas to compete, here he is, Jeff Probst!"
(Jeff enters ring, but he's booed because there's no women)
Johnny: "Our referee tonight will be Charlie O'Donnell, and our timekeeper will be Ira Skutch."
Crowd: "School Riot! Riot! Riot!"
JR: "Here we go, your standard match. No reason why it was booked, but it's a nice appetizer for the stuff later on. (bell rings) And here goes Probst on the offense with some punches. And there's the Tribal Scream. That's gotta hurt!"
Bill: "That may hurt, but think of the hurting that's going to happen in the Armageddon Match. I see from what we saw earlier this match is going to be bigger and bloodier than the previous one."
JR: "The Dennis James/Bert Parks Armageddon match...I was just starting out in the announcing business when that one happened. Oh, and Probst does a tilt-a-whirl slam. That match was what Jan Murray said was the bloodiest thing he'd seen as a commentator. He mentioned that should this match ever happen again, Lord have mercy on us all. Jan, if you're watching at home tonight, be afraid."
(Wink kicks out of a near pinfall and low blows Probst)
JR: "Also, the Anderson/Dawson match should be interesting, and we just saw Feud's other host Ray Combs challenge Jack Barry to a Joker-Joker-Dumpster match. We do have other matches tonight. And Wink does a DDT on Probst! And he's climbing on the top rope, Probst is crawling over to the ropes---and he tugs them...and Wink is dropped on that upper turnbuckle, and he just fell off. OH MY! He hit the ref!"
Bill: "Any guesses as to who the ref for the Armageddon Match could be?"
JR: "No, not off the bat. I wonder if anybody's game to even ask somebody to do it."
(the ref is knocked out, and as Wink lies in pain, Jeff goes out and grabs a chair. He's just about to do a TKO to Wink when out of nowhere, Alex Trebek rushes into the ring)
Alex: "I'll show you who the real Jeopardy quiz master is!"
(grabs chair, whips Jeff, and then gives him a Baldo Bomb on the chair. Alex then runs out of there)
Bill: "And there's Trebek, interfering! There's a distaste between the Jeopardy and Rock and Roll Jeopardy hosts. Good heavens! And Martindale has no clue what the heck just happened, but he's going to go for his trademark, the Dragon Splash!"
JR: "There he goes! (Wink does a RVD splash) And the ref is up...and Wink makes the cover...1! 2! 3! And that's how we start off Smackdown Plus tonight!"
Johnny: "The winner via pinfall----"
Patrick Wayne, in audience: "YOUUUUUUU WIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!"
(Ira goes into crowd and clocks Patrick)
Johnny: "Thank you timekeeper. The winner via pinfall, Wink Martindale!"
(Wink leaves, as Probst gets up and demands a mic. The mic person tosses one in the ring)
Jeff: "Damn you, Trebek! You've screwed me for the final time! You're going to get voted off this planet! Why? I'm challenging you to a Tribal Council match at RAW's 'Fast Forward'!!! What do you say, Trebek?"
(Alex walks out with mic in hand)
Alex: "What is, you got it, Probst! The tribe has indeed spoken!"
(1984 "Jeopardy!" theme plays)
JR: "Jeff Probst versus Alex Trebek on RAW! This is going to be one harsh match-up! Who's going to win immunity after this one?"
(backstage, in the parking lot, a limo pulls up. The doors open, and the GSNWO: Vince, Michael Burger, Louie Anderson, Gary Kroger, Pat Bullard, and Amy MacGuffin climb out. Crowd boos)
JR: "The GSNWO have arrived! God have mercy on us all!"
(meanwhile, in commissioner CNR's office, the commish, Brett and Richard continue their conversation)
Brett: "Have you appointed a ref yet?"
Richard: "I know it won't be me!"
CNR: "A ref? Huh-hull, do I have a referee for you!"
Brett: "Who's it going to be?"
Richard: "Yeah, hamburger, tell us!"
CNR: "That's for me to know (points finger at Brett and Richard) and for you to find out!"
(knock on door)
Brett: "Door's open dearie! Bring the drinks in here!"
(Peter Marshall enters. Cheers and faintly audible chants of "Charley Weaver to block!")
Richard: "Pete!"
Brett: "No drinks, eh? All right. What are you doing here?"
Peter: "Well, it's about that match tonight, the one with Gene."
Richard: "Talk away, boy!"
Peter: "And it just seems it's going to be brutal, and I just don't like the odds. You know, Burger's cronies."
CNR: "Yeah?"
Peter: "Well, what if I was the one in there?"
Richard: "You?"
Brett: "Well, look at him! You can just barely tell there's a difference!"
CNR: "I think I know where you're getting at! You want to fool him into thinking that you're Gene!"
Peter: "Exactly!"
Richard: "I like your thinking, Peter. Tell us more."
(the four huddle as we cut to another backstage segment, where the interviewer is viewing more of the construction)
Interviewer: "And here we are once again, where the construction continues on the Armageddon Match stuff. As you can see, it's slowly beginning to take shape, with these pieces being transported to the ring shortly before the main event. Also, the order has been placed for the weapons. A carbon copy has stated there will be standard Armageddon match weapons, along with much of the stuff you see in Hardcore matches. Also, an order has been place for cue cards and cameras. Later on, the techno savants will begin the final stages of this match planning. Boys, it's shaping up to be one helluva slobberknocker."
(fade out, into commercials)
Announcer: "It was an unpleasant scene last Monday night on RAW."
Michael Burger: "Where are you, Blank?"
Announcer: "Rivlaries turned into matches."
Allen Ludden: "I have a lot of it, compared to you cowards!"
Holly Halstrom: "You'll be challenging the Inquizitor to a game of HOT POTATO!"
Announcer: "Not even those backstage were safe."
JR: "OH MY GOD! IT'S ROSIELOUZILLA! EVERYBODY RUN!"
Regis Philbin: "I'm too young to die!"
Tom Bergeron: "Come on, Monty, find the chant for big fast monsters."
Announcer: "Those not even in the arena were not safe."
Chuck Woolery: "Great, the night we get off from wrestling, and this crap happens!"
Announcer: "Even in Encino."
Billy Mays: "This is gonna be good! Ready, Wilford?" (Wilford nods quietly) (cameraman makes gesture)
Billy: "What?"
Cameraman: "It's the part of the climax where we go to commercial! Stop it for a few moments!"
Announcer: "But it all ended up in one big ugly climax."
(RosieLouZilla drops Rolf Benirschke in its mouth. Chuck Woolery passes out. Jim Peck's jaw drops. Peter Marshall starts quaking)
Cameraman: "Good Lord!"
(RosieLouZilla swallows, then rubs its tummy)
RosieLouZilla: "Mmm, yummmy..." (it starts heading for the car)
Peter: "We're all gonna die!"
(Just as RosieLouZilla towers over the car, it stops, then clutches its stomach, groans loudly and begins to slowly---you guessed it, fall.)
Announcer: "And once that little nuisance was taken care of..."
Stone Cold Steve Austin: "WHAT? I want a title shot!"
Undertaker: "No way! He's mine, at Judgment Day!"
Chris Jericho: "I'm going to beat the has-bean at Smackdown!"
Gilbert Gottfried, in audience: "YOU FOOLS! You're at the wrong show!"
Stone Cold: "WHAT?"
Gilbert: "This is GSN Raw, not WWF Raw! They're in Burbank!"
Stone Cold, Undertaker, and Jericho: "OH! OKAY!" (they leave)
Announcer: "Oops, wrong promo film. OK, once that little nuisance was taken care of..."
Bill: "Shut up already!"
Announcer: "Sorry."
Michael: "I'm going to end your career-ah!"
Gene Rayburn: "Can I add a stipulation?"
Michael: "Be my guest, you (cuckoo!)"
Gene: "You've heard about that infamous James/Parks cage match, haven't you? Ended both their careers? It was something called the Armageddon match. Steel cage, a ton of weapons, anything went until one guy got out or incapacitated the other?"
Michael: "Yeah, so?"
Gene: "Don't you get it? I just chose the stipulation! You and me in an Armageddon Match!"
JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "You gotta be kidding me!"
Jerry: "God almighty! Agggghhhh!"
Michael: "Fine! I'll still whup you either way! Mark the calendar! Your career is done on S+!"
Announcer: "That's GSN RAW, repeating tonight after Smackdown Plus, only on Game Show Network."
(fade out)
(backstage segment. Vince is in the construction area with Michael)
Vince: "Michael, I know how bad you want to keep your title, but with THIS type of match? You should have let ME made the stipulation so you wouldn't have to worry!"
Michael: "Sorry Vince, but this match will be my crowning moment!"
Worker: "You guys can't be back here! Noone except for certified personnel allowed."
Vince: "Come on!" (drags Michael off)
(another backstage segment. Snack bar time, where Monty continues leering at the smut mag)
Monty: "I tell you, that Janice Pennington is one HOTTIE!"
Jim P.: "I beg to differ! Lacey's a fox!"
Monty: "Oh, yeah? Let's ask them!"
(they walk over to Lacey and Janice)
Jim P.: "Lacey, you're hot!"
Lacey: "Thanks. Compared to Miss White Trash here!"
Janice: "Oh yeah, skank?"
(other hosts oooh)
Lacey: "Yeah! And I look better in a swimsuit!"
Janice: "Yeah, except for when Eubanks is wearing it!"
Monty: "Girls, girls, girls! Don't get it on in here! Take it out in the ring!"
Jim P.: "Monty---didn't the set people install some sort of kiddie pool?"
Monty: "Yeah, they did!"
Jim P.: "This is gonna be sweeet!"
JR: "A swimsuit match for tonight! Whoa goodness!"
(interviewer is backstage by locker room)
Interviewer: "And we're waiting for an appearance by the Intercontinental Champion Amy MacGuffin. (door opens) And here she is. Amy, last Monday night at GS-a Mania you were unmasked by Bill Cullen with some assistance from Allen Ludden. What has been your reaction to this."
Amy: "I am furious! I am mad! I want revenge! I want Cullen!"
(cut to announce table, Bill looks up with bug-eyes)
Interviewer: "Amy, how can you challenge an announcer?"
Amy: "I want Bill Cullen tonight! And I'll even put up my title! But I get to make the stipulation. But not now! I want to wait...right before the match, to make that decision. See your butt in the ring, Cullen!"
(Bill looks nauseated)
JR: "Amy MacGuffin, that Jezebel, has challenged our own Bill Cullen to a Mystery Stip match for the Intercontinental Title. Bill?"
Bill: "What does she have to prove? I'll accept and show her we don't take kindly to b*****s as hosts!"
(crowd cheers as Smackdown music plays)
JR: "This night just seems to get better! Stay tuned!"
(fade out)
(fade in on backstage area where some staffers are talking. We see the cameraman from RAW is among them)
Cameraman: "And then the monster was all 'roarr,' and Chuck Woolery lost control of his lower body, and Rolf was all 'agggh!' and the monster just ate him! It was too scary, but too cool at the same time!"
Makeup lady: "So, when are you planning to file your resignation."
Cameraman: "Well, I planned on doing it tonight, but I was told I'm one of the cameramen for the main event tonight, so I get one last moment in the spotlight."
Makeup lady: "Too cool."
(another backstage segment. We see Wayland and Madame wheeling a cart with them. That means....to the arena!)
Johnny: "Our next match is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the GSWF Hardcore Championship! First the challengers, from Madame's Place, Wayland Flowers and Madame!"
(crowd gives somewhat mild response to the two. Madame is dressed in her usual frock)
JR: "Should be an exciting match coming up for the Hardcore title."
(The Dancing Machine music plays, ladies start screaming)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the Chuck Barris Stages in Hollywood California, the GSWF Hardcore Champion, Gene the Stagehand!"
Ladies in crowd: (chanting) "Gene! Gene! Gene!"
JR: "The 'Gong Show' stagehand quite popular with the ladies. Too bad Jerry, if you were more like him, maybe you'd get some too."
Jerry: "Shut up JR, that's not funny! What about you?"
Bill: "One must wonder if there's somebody brave enough to invoke the 24-7 rule. Chuck Barris could be one, he lost the title to the Stagehand on RAW."
(bell rings)
JR: "And here we go! Madame, grabbing a trash can, and she just tosses it at Gene the Stagehand! He staggered a little, but he's still up. And he grabs---he's got a chainsaw! Madame just passed out!"
Wayland: "Madame! Madame! Wake up!"
JR: "And here comes the Stagehand....and he's motioned the music people in the back."
(The now famous Dancing Machine theme plays)
JR: "And forget Gene the Stagehand--he's now Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine!"(ladies in crowd start screaming)
Bill: "Somebody get the hoses! The girls are going nuts!"
JR: "Wayland is just standing there looking...and the Dancing Machine just grabbed a table, and he punks out Wayland! There he goes, puts him on top of the table...and OH MY! He's going to the top rope!"
Ladies in Crowd: "Gene! Gene! Gene!"
JR: "And there he goes! OH MY GOD! A body splash, and he just gave Wayland and Madame a new partner! The Dancing Machine makes the cover...1! 2! 3! (bell rings) And he retains!"
(ladies are going nuts)
Johnny: "The winner via pinfall, and STILL GSWF Hardcore Champion, Gene the Dancing Machine!"
(a midget runs into the ring and starts celebrating)
JR: "Wayland Flowers giving it his best shot, but in the end, it was the experience of Gene the Stagehand/Dancing Machine that won out."
Bill: "Sometimes, that's just how it works out."
JR: "That's right, Bill."
(backstage segment, where some people are wheeling in something that was seen on RAW.)
Worker: "I guess we should be getting this into the ring."
Other Worker: "Yeah. How much you bet she'll win?"
(cut to announce table, Bill immediately pales.)
("Inquizition" music plays)
Johnny: "Oh! Our next match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the GSWF Intercontinental Championship! Here comes the champion, Amy MacGuffin!"
(loud boos as Amy enters ring)
JR: "Well, Bill...what else can I say?"
Jerry: "Good luck, man!"
(Bill leaves his position and enters ring)
Amy: "Here we are, Cullen! I can see your fear. You're scared of what I'm going to do to you. Well, it's time to pick the stip. OK, boys, bring it in!"
(the workers carry the Gimmick Wheel into the ring)
Bill: "Oh, that! That was fun what I did to you last week!"
Amy: "I HATE YOU! So I decided to level a little payback, and I'm going to use this to decide the gimmick. Remember what happens when I land on a star?"
Bill: "Tag team, of course."
Amy: "Prepare to die, fool!" (spins wheel, fans can't bear to look)
JR: "And there it goes, it's slowing down....and it's landed on a Table match! And it's on a star, which means it's tag team! Bill needs a partner!"
Amy: "A Tag Team Table match! OK, Cullen! I'll show you MY partner!"
(Weakest Link music plays as Anne Robinson enters the arena amidst boos)
JR: "Geez, two *****es in one ring."
Bill: "Hmm. Let me see my options. I can only think of one person, and it was a good thing I talked to him over the break, because he's on his way out. Amy? Here's MY partner!"
("Password" theme plays. Crowd roars as Allen Ludden walks down the aisle and into the ring, standing next to Bill)
Crowd: (chanting) "HI DOLL! HI DOLL! HI DOLL!"
Allen: "Thank you everybody! The Password for tonight is 'kick.' I'm gonna kick your (cuckoo!), Inquizitor!"
(crowd roars)
Allen: "But first, we have to do this ad so stay tuned."
("Password Plus" music plays as we fade out)
Announcer: "You've cried, you've begged, you've flamed each other senseless. To see more of this stuff, visit the Game Show Network Forum, sponsors of tonight's Smackdown Plus. Tomorrow night on E!...they're cute...they're sneaky...and they stole your cash should you hit them. The Whammies made 'Press Your Luck' into what it is today. But behind the scenes, even they were human."
Peter Tomarken: "You'd go back there, see them shooting up, having unprotected sex."
Announcer: "Out of control attitudes..."
Tammy Whammette: "He--he kept beating me! I don't know what I did wrong!"
Announcer: "And spiraled into a living hell."
Peter: "One said he could fly..."
Announcer: "Until they finally hit rock bottom."
(cue scene of Whammy funeral. Other Whammies are crying)
Peter: "They just let their impulses get them."
Announcer: "It's the story you haven't heard. Whammy! The E! True Hollywood Story, tomorrow night on E!"
(fade in on ring. The tag teams stand there)
JR: "A tag team table match, which means anybody could win that belt. No pinfall here, the only way you win is if you put someone through a table."
Jerry: "Shouldn't we have a guest commentator?"
JR: "Oh, yes! (grabs mic) Friends, for this match we have a special guest commentator. He's the one and only Banana Man himself, Bert Convy!"
(70s "Tattletales" music plays as Bert sits down at the announce table)
Bert: "Thanks for having me on as commentator, you guys! This whole match looks like it could get nasty though."
JR: "You're telling me."
(bell rings)
JR: "And here we go, MacGuffin attacks Cullen. Knocks him down. She's focusing on his leg---but there's Ludden with a double axe handle from behind! Cullen's up, he and Ludden double teaming the champ. But there's Robinson, going underneath and whipping out a table."
(Anne puts the table in the ring and sets it up)
Bert: "Anne Robinson, getting to the gist of the match. That means anyone's fair game now."
JR: "Bert, I gotta ask, what are you thinking about tonight's card? You were obviously lucky, you're not booked for one tonight, but I'm surprised you're still in one piece after getting caught in that catfight."
Bert: "Yes, that. Well, it was nothing I haven't handled before, so fortunately I got out of it before it got real ugly. As for tonight, that Battle of the Broads could be interesting, but both sides both have the risk of running some of their male brethren in the ring. The Dawson/Anderson match is a rematch from their PPV fight which caused Dawson to miss some ring time. It's his return match tonight, so he could be a little rusty. Oh, MacGuffin lowblowed Ludden there, now she and Robinson are setting up Cullen for the table. Anyways, the match I'm worried about is the mainer. What were they thinking? I could be moving on up on the card after this night is over."
JR: "Hell yeah, Bert. There's MacGuffin, on the top rope--but Ludden got over there and crotched her! MacGuffin collapses in pain. Cullen is off the table."
Allen: "Bill! Get out of here! I can handle this!"
Bill: "You crazy?"
Allen: "You don't need the belt!"
Bill: "True! But you can't take on the two of them alone!"
Allen: "Yeah, but---"
(Bill grabs Anne and piledrives her into the floor. Anne is out of contention.)
Bill: "She's all yours, Allen!"
(Allen looks at Mac Guffin, who's staggering around the ring. He grab her, sets her up by the table, and gives her the Last Ride, through the table.)
JR: "HE DID IT! HE DID IT!"
Bert: "Wow!"
Jerry: "That was so damn awesome, he just broke that table to smithereens!"
(bell rings, crowd roars. Bill grabs the belt and re-enters the ring)
Johnny: "The winner via the table, and NEW GSWF Intercontinental Champion, Allen Ludden!"
Crowd: (chanting) "ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN!"
(Bill hands Allen the belt and raises his hand)
JR: "And our commentator celebrates in the ring with the new Intercontinental champion. Bert, thanks for providing commentary for this match. Who knows, you could have a future in the booth here."
Bert: "Thanks so much for the opportunity to do this, JR. I've got a rooting section to calm down, though, so I guess I should get going. Tell Bill he was awesome tonight."
JR: "Will do. Bert Convy, ladies and gentlemen! This has been an interesting night so far! Don't forget, we have some exciting matches tonight, and you never know what the hell will happen."
(backstage, Jim Perry is strolling down the hall when all of a sudden Pat Bullard jumps him. Bullard completely obliterates the CS' first host and leaves him laying. He screams something to the effect of "Lower!" and walks away. Crowd is heard booing in background.)
(meanwhile, back at the snack bar...)
Monty: "You know, I'm bored. Let's go to Bob Eubanks' dressing room and play ding dong ditch."
Jim: "Cool! Let's go by Kennedy's room and see if he wants to to!"
Monty: "Oh, all right! It'll only be a Split Second!!"
(crowd groans as the two leave, snickering.)
(in the entrance area, we see a door, most likely the entry way to the parking lot for wrestlers and such. The door budges, but doesn't open. Then, the door gives way and is busted wide open. The attendant at the door notices.)
Attendant: "Dammit, Rayburn! Can't you enter like any sane person?"
(attendant walks over and pries away the door and lets the Match Game host in. Crowd roars)
Gene: "Whoops. (looks at door.) It wouldn't open!"
Attendant: "Yeah, that's what you said the last time! (curses) All right, all right. Lemme check if you got any illegal crap. (grabs Gene's bag and looks through it, still cursing.) Clean. Goddammed set wrecker. All right. You can go in."
Gene: "Thank you. So what about the door?"
Attendant: "It's going to be busted across your blank in a minute!"
Gene: "All right! All right!" (slowly backs away and walks off. Attendant looks at door remains and continues cursing.)
(meanwhile...geez, these backstage segments are getting out of hand...)
Monty: "Man, Eubanks is gonna love this!"
Jim: "You damn straight he will. Hah!"
Tom Kennedy: "We're going to be lucky if we're still alive after this."
(the three reach the room, with a door saying "Whoopie Making Zone.")
Tom: "Who's gonna do it?"
Monty: "Me, me!" (knocks on door.)
Bob, from behind door: "Coming!"
(the three hosts laugh, then hide behind some large stuff so Eubanks can't see them. The door opens, and Bob looks out.)
Bob: "Damn pranksters."
(he goes back in. Once the door shuts, Monty, Jim and Tom bust out laughing hysterically. We're left with that image as we fade.)
(fade back in on Monty, Jim and Tom in stitches)
Jim: "My turn, my turn!"
(knocks on door. He hears footsteps, and hurries back to his hiding spot. Except for Eubanks leaves the door open, leaving Lacey exposed in the open.)
Lacey: "EEEEKKKKK!"
(Monty stands up)
Bob: "What the HELL?"
Monty: "I'll trade for what's behind the door!"
Bob: "You bas(cuckoo!)" (starts fighting Monty. Lacey throws a towel around herself and slams the door while Monty and Bob continue fighting)
Tom: "Dammit, and I didn't get to knock!"
(backstage, more of the set is being constructed)
Constructor: "OK, now that goes over here, but we're going to need some room, so don't make it too tight."
Another constructor: "Check!"
Constructor: "Now, we can't put in the goodies until later, so we have to keep those separate, but in some appropriately marked containers. (he sees Gene walking down the hall) And make sure only the people with proper credentials handle them! Hold it!"
Gene: "Where's the locker room?"
Constructor: "The other way...we're not supposed to let the combatants look at our little handiwork. Sheryl here can direct you."
Sheryl, some chick reading the invoices: "Uh, what? Oh, yeah! Yeah! Right this way!" (she shoots an evil glance at the Constructor as she escorts Gene down the hall)
Constructor: "OK, we handled that well, folks. Let's keep this show going!"
(in commissioner CNR's office...)
Peter: "So, what do you think?"
CNR: "It's nice and all that, but they could see right through it."
Brett: "Right! You did come up with a doozy, though."
Peter: "Oh. Well, I did try. If you guys excuse me, I have to keep the Squares girls under control."
CNR: "Say hi to Paul for me!"
(Peter shakes his head as he leaves. At the same time, we hear Sheryl the chick in the construction area)
Sheryl: "I hate that damned guy! How in hell am I supposed to know where the damn locker room is? That (cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo), damn!"
Gene: "I know this studio by heart, I can go from here."
Sheryl: "No dammit, I'm going to find that locker room, then I'm going to go back and kick that guy in the---" (she accidentally walks in the commish's office)
Brett: "Drinks?"
Sheryl: "No, Blank."
CNR: "Send him in! I have to talk to him about---about, uh----official stuff!"
Sheryl: "Fine...right in here."
(Gene enters the office, crowd roars again, Brett stands up, and Dawson gives the proper salute)
CNR: "Well, what are you waiting for? Brett to come up with something logical?"
Gene: "All right, I don't want you messing up your hair. (sits down) So what are we talking about?"
Richard: "Strategy, old bean!"
Gene: "Oh..."
(more backstage shenaningans, back to the Monty and Bob fracas)
Bob: "And (punches Monty as he says each word) that's what you get for looking at MY dealers!"
Jim: "Monty can take you on any time, any day, Pee-yewbanks! Tonight would be a fine opportunity!"
Bob: "All right, him versus me!"
Tom: "Can I knock on the door now?"
(fade out)
JR: "Tonight's Smackdown Plus is brought to you by Mountain Dew. Do the Dew. Also by Keebler Cookies. What the hell do those elves put in the cookies that make 'em taste so good?"
Bill: "Also by Orville Redenbacher popcorn. Damn, that stuff's good!"
Jerry: "And by Stacker 2, the World's Strongest Fat Burner! The ad folks are trying to top Lita in a racecar, so how about the Rock hosting a game show?"
(cut to the familiar Newlywed Game sign)
Johnny Jacobs: "From the Chuck Barris stages in Hollywood, California...HERE COME THE NEWLYWEDS!" (theme plays) Yes, it's the Newlywed Game. Now introducing our newlywed couples. Couple number 1, married for just two months, Sam and Janelle Clarke! Couple number 2, married for just eight months, Joe and Diane Smith! Couple number 3, married for just 7 months, Michael and Michelle DuBois! And couple number 4, married for just four months, Doug and Tionne Berg! Those are today's newlyweds, and now the special guest host of the Newlywed Game, The Rock!"
(The Rock, wearing a Pierre Cardin suit, enters.)Audience: "ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!"
Rock: "Finally, the Rock has come back to the Chuck Barris Stages! We're going to find out just how much those jabroni couples know about each other. So sit on your candy (cuckoo)s and stay tuned, if ya smelllllllll! What the Rock---------is cookin.' "
JR: "So be sure to watch that special episode of the Newlywed Game this Sunday night on GSN. It's sure to be a slobberknocker. Stay tuned!"
(fade out)
After promos and backstage spots galore, this seems like a good place to stop. In Part Two, witness Joker Joker Dumpster, Lynde vs. Taylor, Hall vs. Eubanks, and more.
posted by Blankety @ 10:10 PM
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