GSWF Retro: The RAW Title Tournament of Doom
And here we are, story number three of the original series. As I've noted, an original RAW was to have aired before this, but other things popped up which prevented me from committing to it. When new programming commences, the first new ep will be "The Lost Episode." Some things that are explained in this story will make more sense. So, on with the show!!
(cue logos, clip package, blah blah blah)
(cue Union Underground music and new RAW logo, complete with footage of personalities basically wiping the mat with each other, or planting each other through Spanish Announcing tables, etc. Cut to pyro in arena. Lights go up, fans go ballistic)
JR: "We're here LIVE! At the Encino Convention Center for another hellacious installment of GSN RAW!!! After weeks and weeks of delays and other stuff, the moment everybody's been waiting for has finally arrived! The GSWF Title is on the line in a big old blanking tournament! Sixteen will enter, but only one will emerge as the new GSWF champion. Right, Jerry Lawler?"
Jerry: "That's right JR! There's such a mix of superstars in here, the stage could be set for something big! Big, I tell you! What say you, Mr. Bill Cullen?"
Bill: "The Vegas bookies are going nuts right now setting up odds and what-not. Friendships will be tested, new enemies will be made, and man! Garry Moore versus Henry Morgan? I've got a Secret----it's going to rule!"
JR: "That's a damn fact, Bill! For those of you at home, here's how the matches will go. We'll alternate going down the brackets, to allow the wrestlers to recoup what strength they have to go on to the next round. It's single elimination, which means once you're pinned, forced to submit, or become disqualified, your shot at the belt is gone for now!"
Bill: "The matches were chosen via a lottery conducted on HEEET a few weeks back. We're going to see stuff we never thought we'd see on RAW or Smackdown Plus before."
Jerry: "You know what match I can't wait for? All of them! Now can you recap why we're doing this tourney?"
JR: "Hell yeah I can! By now, a great deal of GSWF followers know about the infamous S+ Armageddon Match, which resulted in the now controversial finish. Mr. McMahon, the sneaky sonofablank, had found a loophole in the rulebook that stated that Match Game cards were illegal weapons. To make matters worse, Commissioner CNR had found another loophole saying you could not plant your opponent through the Spanish Announcing Table. Hence, the title was vacant, and here we are at the tourney.
"For those who want to create brackets or who just want to see who falls where, the first match for tonight is out of Bracket A. It's a battle of Wheel of Fortune emcees as Pat Sajak battles the Lingo master Chuck Woolery. The first match from Bracket B follows, with Louie Anderson taking on Monty Hall. We'll then go back to Bracket A, and a battle of GS pervs; Richard Dawson versus Rip Taylor. Rumor has it Jaye P. Morgan may be present at ringside. The second match from Bracket B pits the former champ Michael Burger against the King of Whoopee, Bob Eubanks."
Jerry: "Then we'll pick things up back at A, with Alex Trebek taking on Paul Lynde! Aggghhh! Then we'll go to B, and the Battle of IGAS!"
Bill: "The last A match features, well, a Match Master taking on a rather irate Inquizitor. According to the news sites, the Gene Rayburn/ Amy MacGuffin fight may be the dreaded " 'NSync Match," where prepubescent young boys get front row seats to see if Ms. MacGuffin is, er, endowed. After finding out she's not, they'll proceed to let their hormones rage and then get their butts kicked by GSWF security. The final B match is more subdued. Once the carnage is cleaned up from the said 'NSync match, Bill Rafferty takes on Jeff Probst."
JR: "Well, we'll shut our traps and LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!!"
(old RAW music plays as workers lug a familiar looking wheel ringside. Fans stand up and start chanting "Gimmick Wheel! Gimmick Wheel! Johnny Olsen, the ring announcer, motions for the crowd to shut up)
Johnny: "Welcome to Encino, GSWF fans! (crowd roars) And welcome to the Game Show Wrestling Federation TITLE TOURNAMENT OF DOOM!!! (loud cheers) We've been told to hurry up with this, since they wanna show Russian Roulette's Burnout Celebrity Special Edition show, so we'll get this thing going.
Pat Sajak, COME ON DOWN!
(new Wheel theme plays as Pat walks down the aisle with Vanna)
Chuck Woolery, COME ON DOWN!!
(Scrabble theme plays as Chuck walks with Susan Stafford in tow)
You are the first two combatants in the GSWF TITLE TOURNAMENT OF DOOM!(TPiR theme plays)
And here is our special guest referee, BOOOOOOBBBB BARKER!!!"
(crowd roars as Bob enters wearing GSWF ref shirt)
Bob: "Thank you everybody and welcome to the first tournament match. Pat, Chuck, both of you know the rules, so we'll commence. But apparently the owner and the commissioner made a deal to use this lovely device to choose what type of match you'll have. Girls, please unveil the GIMMICK WHEEL!(cheers as Holly Halstrom and Janice Pennington unveil wheel, which is nothing more than the Star Wheel with different gimmick matches on there) Pat, since you're the challenger in this match, please spin the Wheel. Due to the circumstances, the gold star bit has been removed. Spin that wheel!"
(Pat spins the wheel, going around several times.)
Bob: "Gentlemen, you'll be competing in the Sony ECM-51 on a Pole Match!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "For those of you at home, the objective is to beat the crap out of your opponent, then try to grab the mic before he gets up. Unfortunately, the mic is in the back, so we have to go to commercial. After this, Woolery versus Sajak!"
(fade out)
(fade back in. The pole is set up with the familiar looking mic on top. Bob signals the timekeeper to ring the bell. Pat and Chuck start strangling each other.)
JR: "And these two are off to a smashing start! (Pat whips Chuck into the ropes) These two have some bad blood between them, ever since Woolery left Wheel. (fans roar as Chuck kicks Pat where it really hurts)"
Jerry: "These two are really exchanging blows, aren't they?"
(meanwhile, Vanna is near Susan and it looks like they're yelling at each other.)Bill: "The winner of this match, BTW, will go on to face the winner of the Dawson/Taylor fight. But considering the way these two are beating the what-not out of each other, the person that wins this match ain't gonna have nothing to put up against his future opponent."
(Vanna and Susan stop yelling at each other and suddenly....)
Jerry: "AGGGGHHHHH! What are they doing? They're going to get their vowels exposed! Vowels! Vowels!"
(Bill whacks Jerry upside the head)
JR: "These two ladies are putting themselves in danger here! Sajak is in the tree of woe, and Woolery is in the ropes. Wait----what's Vanna doing by Pat?"
(Vanna gives Pat Shattered Dreams. Susan dropkicks Chuck through the ropes. Males in crowd start grunting like apes.)
JR: "OH MY GOD! The letter turners have turned against their co-stars!!! I haven't seen anything like this happen since the Palmer/Myerson Mud Bath Match!"
(Susan and Vanna take off their high heels, and climb the turnbuckle. Just as it looks like both will grab it, Vanna shoves Susan off. Susan lands on Sajak. Vanna grabs the mic. Barker signals for the bell)
JR: "GOOD LORD! Already the tournament has taken a very weird turn! Vanna White advances to the second round!"
Johnny O: "The winner of this match, and second round qualifier, Vanna White!!"
(Vanna celebrates in ring)
JR: "One match done in this tournament and already we have an unusual ending to a fight. After this, we'll get ready for Louie Anderson trying to make a deal against Monty Hall!"
(fade out)
(fade in ad)
Announcer: "You love GSN RAW. You worship Smackdown Plus. But starting Wednesday nights, you're absolutely going to flip. VannaPemberton Productions brings you GSN GLADIATORS! It's just like American Gladiators, only better! Join Mike Adamle and Larry Cszonka as they watch your favorites pummel the heck outta each other some more! That's GSN Gladiators, Wednesday nights, only on Game Show Network!"
(fade out)
(end commercials, fade in on arena. Johnny Olsen stands in the ring with the mic)
Johnny: "Louie Anderson, COME ON DOWN!
(New Feud music plays as Louie waddles down the aisle)
Monty Hall, COME ON DOWN!
(LMAD theme plays as Monty walks down aisle with a limping Carol Merrill)
You are the next two combatants in the Title Tournament of Doom!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "The first match from the B bracket is just about underway. The Gimmick Wheel is now in the ring, and Louie will give it a spin."
(Louie spins wheel, going around several times)
Johnny O: "Louie and Monty, you will be competing in the Inferno Match! The object of the game is to set your opponent on fire with these special matches. And now, your special guest referee, the second man to play with matches---Ross Shafer!"
(MG '90 theme plays as Ross, in ref shirt, enters ring. He holds up the matches as the fans ooh and ahh)
Bill: "The Inferno Match; first happened between Brett Somers and Betty White in the dressing room at the Bob Barker Studio. The lone casualty was Charles Nelson Reilly's toupee."
JR: "That was one interesting incident."
(Ross signals for bell. Louie falls on mat, rolls around, and bowls Monty over)Jerry: "And Louie is already using his patented Sno-Ball offense! He's going for the matches...but Monty counters!"
(Louie tries to stand, but the six dozen donuts he had prior to the match are holding him down. Monty gets up and gives him a legdrop. Louie then does a fish flop, causing a small earthquake in the arena, sending Monty through the ring and flinging Ross out of the ring. The matches hit the mat. Monty appears to be down and out. All of a sudden---)
JR: "It looks like Louie is going to take advantage----wait, who's the guy that jumped the barrier! He---he's clotheslined Louie!"
Jerry: "Aggh! Who is it! He's got a hood and ski mask on, so you know it's not going to be good!"
Bill: "The ref's out----the guy's pouring beans on him! It's David Letterman! Are beans cooking?"
JR: "NO! Beans create gas---the guy's got the matches----"
(the mystery man lights a match and drops it on Louie. Loud "FLOOSH" erupts, crowd cheers)
Bill: "Whoa! Louie Anderson's on fire! The man is picking up Hall, and he gives him the match! I don't believe it!"
(Carol hobbles around, locates Shafer, and rolls him into the ring. Ross gets up, sees Monty with the match, then signals for the bell)
JR: "I don't believe it! Another messed up ending to an otherwise great match!"
Johnny, looking confused: "Uh, the winner and advancing to the second round, Monty Hall!"
(Carol raises Monty's hand in victory. The mystery man goes into the crowd again. The fireman comes out and extinguishes Louie. Louie slooooowly gets up, and looks at the man.)
JR: "Wait, the guy's taking off the hood. Now the ski mask---OH MY GOD! IT'S RICHARD KARN, THE GUY WHO'S REPLACING LOUIE ON FAMILY FEUD! GOOD GOD! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!"
(crowd goes ballistic and starts chanting Karn's name)
Jerry: "AGGGHHHHH!"
Bill: "I will be doggoned! Why was I sensing something like this would happen?"
JR: "I will be damned! What the hell is going to happen next?"
(fade out)
(fade in on "COPS" like ad)
Announcer: "Coming soon to Game Show Network----watch irritating commercial spokesmen get theirs. It's GSN FORUM POSTERS. Watch irate posters get revenge for being driven insane by stupid ads."
(Cut to car with posters inside)
Person (Identified as "Officer Tom3"): "I can't stand Billy Mays. If we get him for selling illegal substances like Orange Glo, we'll be much better."
Second person (Identified as "Sgt. VannaPemberton"): "Hang on....let's scare him first. I'll get the mask."
Jamaican Singers: "Bad ad-folks, bad ad-folks, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"
(sirens wail, then cut to Tom3 and Vanna beating crap out of Billy Mays)
Announcer: "Thrill as Captain Blanketyblank busts a cop on Bloussant Girl."
Bloussant Girl: "Do you want bigger breasts?"
Capt. BB: "Blank, no! Now shut your blank before I pop the other one!" (hits Bloussant Girl with Mountain Dew bottle)
Announcer: "That's GSN FORUM POSTERS, premiering Saturdays after Match Game PM, only on Game Show Network."
(ads end, back on arena. Gene Wood is standing next to Johnny O, holding the mic)
Johnny: "The next match will feature a guest announcer. Take it away, Wood!"
(opening FF '76 music plays)
Wood: "It's time to play GAME SHOW HOST FEUD! Mister Dollar Ninety-eight, Rip Taylor, READY FOR ACTION!"
($1.98BS theme plays as Rip prances down the aisle, whipping his bag of confetti all over the place.)
JR: "A lot of people were surprised when Rip was one of the guys involved in this tournament."
Bill: "Especially considering that the show he hosted wasn't necessarily a game show, but a fan was standing outside the arena with a pitchfork if we dissed it."
(Rip enters ring)
Wood: "He's against the original host of the Feud, Richard Dawson!"
(females scream as Dickie walks the aisle)
Jerry: "Why can't I get that reaction with women? Aggh!"
Wood: "Let's start the next GSWF TOURNAMENT MATCH! (Feud '76 music plays) And here's the special guest referee of this match, RAY COMBS!"
(loud cheers as Ray in ref's shirt and tie enters the ring)
Ray: "Rip, you are the challenger in this, and you have the option to spin the wheel or pass to Dawson."
Audience: "PLAY! PASS! PLAY! I WANT TO BUY A VOWEL!"
Rip: "Oh ho ho, I think I'll play, Raysie!"
Ray: "Don't call me that, or I'll DQ you! Lower the Wheel!"
(Gimmick Wheel is lowered)
JR: "Here we go!"
(Rip gives the Wheel a hard spin. It goes around several times)
Ray: "And it's going to land on....CAPTURE THE CHUCK BARRIS MIDGET!"
(crowd roars)
JR: "Oh my God! This match! It was brought out of storage for the tournament tonight, and just our luck, we're going to deliver, unlike that other piddly wrestling company."
Jerry: "Is it a female?"
Bill: "For those of you you haven't seen this match before, it's simple. We let loose the Chuck Barris Midget, and the first guy to capture him and put him in one of these cages we stole from GSN Gladiators advances."
JR: "But don't think it's gonna be easy!"
Ray: "Richard, since you didn't spin, what cage do you want to use for the match? We have orange and we have yellow."
Richard: "Our survey SAID! I'll just go with yellow."
Ray: "OK, you have to put the midget in the yellow cage in this corner, Rip has the orange cage in the opposite corner. Release the midget, Hardcore Champion!"
Gene, the Dancing Machine, aka GSWF Hardcore Champ: "Ya got i!"
(he opens the cage and lets the midget out in the ring. Bell dings. Rip starts slapping Richard.)
JR: "This is going to be an interesting match here. You know, Bill, are you looking forward to B2?"
Bill: "The Burger/Eubanks match? I don't give a whoopie."
Jerry: "You're looking forward to B3, though! The big Moore/Morgan match!"
Bill: "Now THAT's one I'm eagerly looking forward to."
(meanwhile, Richard is down on the mat after a Rip beatdown. Rip starts celebrating and goes to grab the midget. Ray monitors the action. The midget runs under Ray's legs, and Rip bowls him over. Ray is knocked senseless.)
JR: "Now why did that have to happen?"
(crowd starts roaring as they look to the entrance)
Bill: "Wait, who's that lady in the crowd here!"
Lady: "Hey, Rip, check these out!"
Jerry: "It's a $1.98 Beauty! Aggh!"
(the Beauty flashes Rip and the midget. Rip and the midget stand googly eyed. Dawson gets up and sees the woman. All of a sudden..)
Richard: "GRETCHEN?"
JR and Bill: "WHATTTT?"
Jerry: "AGGGGGHHH! It's MRS. DAWSON!"
Gretchen: (screaming) "GET THE MIDGET, YOU FOOL!"
(Richard gives Rip the Survey Stunner, just as Ray begins to get up. Richard then goes over, grabs the midget, and walks to the cage. Dawson trips over Combs, and the midget goes flying out of the ring----right onto Gretchen.)
JR: "OH MY! This match just seems to get more and more out of control!"
(Gretchen, not panicking, climbs over the barrier, chucks the midget at Richard. Richard takes advantage, and puts the midget in the cage. Ray is up, sees Rip out on the mat, and the midget in the yellow cage.)
Ray: "Ring the bell! Our survey says Richard Dawson wins!"
(bell rings, Fast Money win cue plays)
JR: "And Dawson goes on to face Vanna White in the second round! Wow!"
(Gretchen enters and celebrates with her hubby. As they leave, the midget is released, and he runs over to Rip.)
Rip: "Oh, shoot, I lost the match! Cue the music!"
(Milt DeLugg cues up the orchestra)
Rip, singing:
"I lost the match,
He kicked my blank,
I don't advance
No dollar ninety-eeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt
He rang my bell,
He cleaned my clock
Well, I have to say
He took me for what I got!
His lovely wife
Showed me her bust
That's what I get
I got no truuuuuussssstttttttt!
So no belt for me,
Guess I won't be a staaaaaaarrrrr
Hey Jaye P. Morgan I wonder wheeeerrrrreeee
Wonder where you arrrrrreeeee!"
(crowd claps as Rip and Midget leave)
JR: "A very poignant song by Rip Taylor there. After this, Michael Burger/Bob Eubanks!"
(fade out)
(commercials end, fade back in on ring. We see Michael Burger already in the ring...damn monkeys ran the ads too long)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the Chuck Barris Studios, the King of Whoopie, Bob Eubanks!"
(NG theme plays as Bob walks to the ring, escorted by his lovely dealers)
JR: "The winner of this match goes on to face Monty Hall in the second round. Should be interesting seeing what match Michael spins."
Bill: "Can you tell I'm getting excited now? It's not long now till I have vested interest in the fights."
Johnny: "And our special guest referee, he tames the dragon, he has a good, uh, gambit, and he's ready to shuffle some odds! Here he is, Wink Martindale!"
(TTD theme plays as the ref enters the ring)
Wink: "Michael, you're the challenger, so guess what, you get to spin the wheel. Lower the Gimmick Wheel!"
(Wheel is lowered as Michael gives it a spin, cussing out the Wheel in the process. Wheel apparently has a mind of its own because.....)
Wink: "It's the STRAP MATCH!"
(crowd roars)
JR: "GOOD LORD!"
(Betty White comes out and begins to remove her top)
Johnny: "It's STRAP, not STRIP!"
Betty: "Oh." (goes backstage)
Wink: "With the Strap Match, we give each of you one Jamaican strap. Your goal is to beat the hell out of your opponent. Go!"
(music plays as Michael and Bob start whacking each other with the straps. Crowd begins to get bored.)
JR: "Well, I always thought strap matches were exciting, but this is going a bit too far. Hopefully it gets livened up."
Bill: "You're telling me."
(all of a sudden, Bob goes low and kicks Michael in the you know where. Michael keels over, and takes Bob out at the legs and pins him. Wink stands there stupified, even as Michael celebrates. Wink grabs Bob's strap and whacks Michael upside the head with it)
(Meanwhile, the announcers are dumbfounded, as this match well, sucked.)
JR: "Uhhh. I'm at a loss for words once. Up next, Paul Lynde/Alex Trebek!"
...Yeah, it seems pretty short, but there's a helluva lot of matches. Tomorrow, the remaining four first round fights. Look for cameos by Mark L. Walberg, David Letterman and Doctor Phil.
(cue logos, clip package, blah blah blah)
(cue Union Underground music and new RAW logo, complete with footage of personalities basically wiping the mat with each other, or planting each other through Spanish Announcing tables, etc. Cut to pyro in arena. Lights go up, fans go ballistic)
JR: "We're here LIVE! At the Encino Convention Center for another hellacious installment of GSN RAW!!! After weeks and weeks of delays and other stuff, the moment everybody's been waiting for has finally arrived! The GSWF Title is on the line in a big old blanking tournament! Sixteen will enter, but only one will emerge as the new GSWF champion. Right, Jerry Lawler?"
Jerry: "That's right JR! There's such a mix of superstars in here, the stage could be set for something big! Big, I tell you! What say you, Mr. Bill Cullen?"
Bill: "The Vegas bookies are going nuts right now setting up odds and what-not. Friendships will be tested, new enemies will be made, and man! Garry Moore versus Henry Morgan? I've got a Secret----it's going to rule!"
JR: "That's a damn fact, Bill! For those of you at home, here's how the matches will go. We'll alternate going down the brackets, to allow the wrestlers to recoup what strength they have to go on to the next round. It's single elimination, which means once you're pinned, forced to submit, or become disqualified, your shot at the belt is gone for now!"
Bill: "The matches were chosen via a lottery conducted on HEEET a few weeks back. We're going to see stuff we never thought we'd see on RAW or Smackdown Plus before."
Jerry: "You know what match I can't wait for? All of them! Now can you recap why we're doing this tourney?"
JR: "Hell yeah I can! By now, a great deal of GSWF followers know about the infamous S+ Armageddon Match, which resulted in the now controversial finish. Mr. McMahon, the sneaky sonofablank, had found a loophole in the rulebook that stated that Match Game cards were illegal weapons. To make matters worse, Commissioner CNR had found another loophole saying you could not plant your opponent through the Spanish Announcing Table. Hence, the title was vacant, and here we are at the tourney.
"For those who want to create brackets or who just want to see who falls where, the first match for tonight is out of Bracket A. It's a battle of Wheel of Fortune emcees as Pat Sajak battles the Lingo master Chuck Woolery. The first match from Bracket B follows, with Louie Anderson taking on Monty Hall. We'll then go back to Bracket A, and a battle of GS pervs; Richard Dawson versus Rip Taylor. Rumor has it Jaye P. Morgan may be present at ringside. The second match from Bracket B pits the former champ Michael Burger against the King of Whoopee, Bob Eubanks."
Jerry: "Then we'll pick things up back at A, with Alex Trebek taking on Paul Lynde! Aggghhh! Then we'll go to B, and the Battle of IGAS!"
Bill: "The last A match features, well, a Match Master taking on a rather irate Inquizitor. According to the news sites, the Gene Rayburn/ Amy MacGuffin fight may be the dreaded " 'NSync Match," where prepubescent young boys get front row seats to see if Ms. MacGuffin is, er, endowed. After finding out she's not, they'll proceed to let their hormones rage and then get their butts kicked by GSWF security. The final B match is more subdued. Once the carnage is cleaned up from the said 'NSync match, Bill Rafferty takes on Jeff Probst."
JR: "Well, we'll shut our traps and LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!!"
(old RAW music plays as workers lug a familiar looking wheel ringside. Fans stand up and start chanting "Gimmick Wheel! Gimmick Wheel! Johnny Olsen, the ring announcer, motions for the crowd to shut up)
Johnny: "Welcome to Encino, GSWF fans! (crowd roars) And welcome to the Game Show Wrestling Federation TITLE TOURNAMENT OF DOOM!!! (loud cheers) We've been told to hurry up with this, since they wanna show Russian Roulette's Burnout Celebrity Special Edition show, so we'll get this thing going.
Pat Sajak, COME ON DOWN!
(new Wheel theme plays as Pat walks down the aisle with Vanna)
Chuck Woolery, COME ON DOWN!!
(Scrabble theme plays as Chuck walks with Susan Stafford in tow)
You are the first two combatants in the GSWF TITLE TOURNAMENT OF DOOM!(TPiR theme plays)
And here is our special guest referee, BOOOOOOBBBB BARKER!!!"
(crowd roars as Bob enters wearing GSWF ref shirt)
Bob: "Thank you everybody and welcome to the first tournament match. Pat, Chuck, both of you know the rules, so we'll commence. But apparently the owner and the commissioner made a deal to use this lovely device to choose what type of match you'll have. Girls, please unveil the GIMMICK WHEEL!(cheers as Holly Halstrom and Janice Pennington unveil wheel, which is nothing more than the Star Wheel with different gimmick matches on there) Pat, since you're the challenger in this match, please spin the Wheel. Due to the circumstances, the gold star bit has been removed. Spin that wheel!"
(Pat spins the wheel, going around several times.)
Bob: "Gentlemen, you'll be competing in the Sony ECM-51 on a Pole Match!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "For those of you at home, the objective is to beat the crap out of your opponent, then try to grab the mic before he gets up. Unfortunately, the mic is in the back, so we have to go to commercial. After this, Woolery versus Sajak!"
(fade out)
(fade back in. The pole is set up with the familiar looking mic on top. Bob signals the timekeeper to ring the bell. Pat and Chuck start strangling each other.)
JR: "And these two are off to a smashing start! (Pat whips Chuck into the ropes) These two have some bad blood between them, ever since Woolery left Wheel. (fans roar as Chuck kicks Pat where it really hurts)"
Jerry: "These two are really exchanging blows, aren't they?"
(meanwhile, Vanna is near Susan and it looks like they're yelling at each other.)Bill: "The winner of this match, BTW, will go on to face the winner of the Dawson/Taylor fight. But considering the way these two are beating the what-not out of each other, the person that wins this match ain't gonna have nothing to put up against his future opponent."
(Vanna and Susan stop yelling at each other and suddenly....)
Jerry: "AGGGGHHHHH! What are they doing? They're going to get their vowels exposed! Vowels! Vowels!"
(Bill whacks Jerry upside the head)
JR: "These two ladies are putting themselves in danger here! Sajak is in the tree of woe, and Woolery is in the ropes. Wait----what's Vanna doing by Pat?"
(Vanna gives Pat Shattered Dreams. Susan dropkicks Chuck through the ropes. Males in crowd start grunting like apes.)
JR: "OH MY GOD! The letter turners have turned against their co-stars!!! I haven't seen anything like this happen since the Palmer/Myerson Mud Bath Match!"
(Susan and Vanna take off their high heels, and climb the turnbuckle. Just as it looks like both will grab it, Vanna shoves Susan off. Susan lands on Sajak. Vanna grabs the mic. Barker signals for the bell)
JR: "GOOD LORD! Already the tournament has taken a very weird turn! Vanna White advances to the second round!"
Johnny O: "The winner of this match, and second round qualifier, Vanna White!!"
(Vanna celebrates in ring)
JR: "One match done in this tournament and already we have an unusual ending to a fight. After this, we'll get ready for Louie Anderson trying to make a deal against Monty Hall!"
(fade out)
(fade in ad)
Announcer: "You love GSN RAW. You worship Smackdown Plus. But starting Wednesday nights, you're absolutely going to flip. VannaPemberton Productions brings you GSN GLADIATORS! It's just like American Gladiators, only better! Join Mike Adamle and Larry Cszonka as they watch your favorites pummel the heck outta each other some more! That's GSN Gladiators, Wednesday nights, only on Game Show Network!"
(fade out)
(end commercials, fade in on arena. Johnny Olsen stands in the ring with the mic)
Johnny: "Louie Anderson, COME ON DOWN!
(New Feud music plays as Louie waddles down the aisle)
Monty Hall, COME ON DOWN!
(LMAD theme plays as Monty walks down aisle with a limping Carol Merrill)
You are the next two combatants in the Title Tournament of Doom!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "The first match from the B bracket is just about underway. The Gimmick Wheel is now in the ring, and Louie will give it a spin."
(Louie spins wheel, going around several times)
Johnny O: "Louie and Monty, you will be competing in the Inferno Match! The object of the game is to set your opponent on fire with these special matches. And now, your special guest referee, the second man to play with matches---Ross Shafer!"
(MG '90 theme plays as Ross, in ref shirt, enters ring. He holds up the matches as the fans ooh and ahh)
Bill: "The Inferno Match; first happened between Brett Somers and Betty White in the dressing room at the Bob Barker Studio. The lone casualty was Charles Nelson Reilly's toupee."
JR: "That was one interesting incident."
(Ross signals for bell. Louie falls on mat, rolls around, and bowls Monty over)Jerry: "And Louie is already using his patented Sno-Ball offense! He's going for the matches...but Monty counters!"
(Louie tries to stand, but the six dozen donuts he had prior to the match are holding him down. Monty gets up and gives him a legdrop. Louie then does a fish flop, causing a small earthquake in the arena, sending Monty through the ring and flinging Ross out of the ring. The matches hit the mat. Monty appears to be down and out. All of a sudden---)
JR: "It looks like Louie is going to take advantage----wait, who's the guy that jumped the barrier! He---he's clotheslined Louie!"
Jerry: "Aggh! Who is it! He's got a hood and ski mask on, so you know it's not going to be good!"
Bill: "The ref's out----the guy's pouring beans on him! It's David Letterman! Are beans cooking?"
JR: "NO! Beans create gas---the guy's got the matches----"
(the mystery man lights a match and drops it on Louie. Loud "FLOOSH" erupts, crowd cheers)
Bill: "Whoa! Louie Anderson's on fire! The man is picking up Hall, and he gives him the match! I don't believe it!"
(Carol hobbles around, locates Shafer, and rolls him into the ring. Ross gets up, sees Monty with the match, then signals for the bell)
JR: "I don't believe it! Another messed up ending to an otherwise great match!"
Johnny, looking confused: "Uh, the winner and advancing to the second round, Monty Hall!"
(Carol raises Monty's hand in victory. The mystery man goes into the crowd again. The fireman comes out and extinguishes Louie. Louie slooooowly gets up, and looks at the man.)
JR: "Wait, the guy's taking off the hood. Now the ski mask---OH MY GOD! IT'S RICHARD KARN, THE GUY WHO'S REPLACING LOUIE ON FAMILY FEUD! GOOD GOD! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!"
(crowd goes ballistic and starts chanting Karn's name)
Jerry: "AGGGHHHHH!"
Bill: "I will be doggoned! Why was I sensing something like this would happen?"
JR: "I will be damned! What the hell is going to happen next?"
(fade out)
(fade in on "COPS" like ad)
Announcer: "Coming soon to Game Show Network----watch irritating commercial spokesmen get theirs. It's GSN FORUM POSTERS. Watch irate posters get revenge for being driven insane by stupid ads."
(Cut to car with posters inside)
Person (Identified as "Officer Tom3"): "I can't stand Billy Mays. If we get him for selling illegal substances like Orange Glo, we'll be much better."
Second person (Identified as "Sgt. VannaPemberton"): "Hang on....let's scare him first. I'll get the mask."
Jamaican Singers: "Bad ad-folks, bad ad-folks, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"
(sirens wail, then cut to Tom3 and Vanna beating crap out of Billy Mays)
Announcer: "Thrill as Captain Blanketyblank busts a cop on Bloussant Girl."
Bloussant Girl: "Do you want bigger breasts?"
Capt. BB: "Blank, no! Now shut your blank before I pop the other one!" (hits Bloussant Girl with Mountain Dew bottle)
Announcer: "That's GSN FORUM POSTERS, premiering Saturdays after Match Game PM, only on Game Show Network."
(ads end, back on arena. Gene Wood is standing next to Johnny O, holding the mic)
Johnny: "The next match will feature a guest announcer. Take it away, Wood!"
(opening FF '76 music plays)
Wood: "It's time to play GAME SHOW HOST FEUD! Mister Dollar Ninety-eight, Rip Taylor, READY FOR ACTION!"
($1.98BS theme plays as Rip prances down the aisle, whipping his bag of confetti all over the place.)
JR: "A lot of people were surprised when Rip was one of the guys involved in this tournament."
Bill: "Especially considering that the show he hosted wasn't necessarily a game show, but a fan was standing outside the arena with a pitchfork if we dissed it."
(Rip enters ring)
Wood: "He's against the original host of the Feud, Richard Dawson!"
(females scream as Dickie walks the aisle)
Jerry: "Why can't I get that reaction with women? Aggh!"
Wood: "Let's start the next GSWF TOURNAMENT MATCH! (Feud '76 music plays) And here's the special guest referee of this match, RAY COMBS!"
(loud cheers as Ray in ref's shirt and tie enters the ring)
Ray: "Rip, you are the challenger in this, and you have the option to spin the wheel or pass to Dawson."
Audience: "PLAY! PASS! PLAY! I WANT TO BUY A VOWEL!"
Rip: "Oh ho ho, I think I'll play, Raysie!"
Ray: "Don't call me that, or I'll DQ you! Lower the Wheel!"
(Gimmick Wheel is lowered)
JR: "Here we go!"
(Rip gives the Wheel a hard spin. It goes around several times)
Ray: "And it's going to land on....CAPTURE THE CHUCK BARRIS MIDGET!"
(crowd roars)
JR: "Oh my God! This match! It was brought out of storage for the tournament tonight, and just our luck, we're going to deliver, unlike that other piddly wrestling company."
Jerry: "Is it a female?"
Bill: "For those of you you haven't seen this match before, it's simple. We let loose the Chuck Barris Midget, and the first guy to capture him and put him in one of these cages we stole from GSN Gladiators advances."
JR: "But don't think it's gonna be easy!"
Ray: "Richard, since you didn't spin, what cage do you want to use for the match? We have orange and we have yellow."
Richard: "Our survey SAID! I'll just go with yellow."
Ray: "OK, you have to put the midget in the yellow cage in this corner, Rip has the orange cage in the opposite corner. Release the midget, Hardcore Champion!"
Gene, the Dancing Machine, aka GSWF Hardcore Champ: "Ya got i!"
(he opens the cage and lets the midget out in the ring. Bell dings. Rip starts slapping Richard.)
JR: "This is going to be an interesting match here. You know, Bill, are you looking forward to B2?"
Bill: "The Burger/Eubanks match? I don't give a whoopie."
Jerry: "You're looking forward to B3, though! The big Moore/Morgan match!"
Bill: "Now THAT's one I'm eagerly looking forward to."
(meanwhile, Richard is down on the mat after a Rip beatdown. Rip starts celebrating and goes to grab the midget. Ray monitors the action. The midget runs under Ray's legs, and Rip bowls him over. Ray is knocked senseless.)
JR: "Now why did that have to happen?"
(crowd starts roaring as they look to the entrance)
Bill: "Wait, who's that lady in the crowd here!"
Lady: "Hey, Rip, check these out!"
Jerry: "It's a $1.98 Beauty! Aggh!"
(the Beauty flashes Rip and the midget. Rip and the midget stand googly eyed. Dawson gets up and sees the woman. All of a sudden..)
Richard: "GRETCHEN?"
JR and Bill: "WHATTTT?"
Jerry: "AGGGGGHHH! It's MRS. DAWSON!"
Gretchen: (screaming) "GET THE MIDGET, YOU FOOL!"
(Richard gives Rip the Survey Stunner, just as Ray begins to get up. Richard then goes over, grabs the midget, and walks to the cage. Dawson trips over Combs, and the midget goes flying out of the ring----right onto Gretchen.)
JR: "OH MY! This match just seems to get more and more out of control!"
(Gretchen, not panicking, climbs over the barrier, chucks the midget at Richard. Richard takes advantage, and puts the midget in the cage. Ray is up, sees Rip out on the mat, and the midget in the yellow cage.)
Ray: "Ring the bell! Our survey says Richard Dawson wins!"
(bell rings, Fast Money win cue plays)
JR: "And Dawson goes on to face Vanna White in the second round! Wow!"
(Gretchen enters and celebrates with her hubby. As they leave, the midget is released, and he runs over to Rip.)
Rip: "Oh, shoot, I lost the match! Cue the music!"
(Milt DeLugg cues up the orchestra)
Rip, singing:
"I lost the match,
He kicked my blank,
I don't advance
No dollar ninety-eeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt
He rang my bell,
He cleaned my clock
Well, I have to say
He took me for what I got!
His lovely wife
Showed me her bust
That's what I get
I got no truuuuuussssstttttttt!
So no belt for me,
Guess I won't be a staaaaaaarrrrr
Hey Jaye P. Morgan I wonder wheeeerrrrreeee
Wonder where you arrrrrreeeee!"
(crowd claps as Rip and Midget leave)
JR: "A very poignant song by Rip Taylor there. After this, Michael Burger/Bob Eubanks!"
(fade out)
(commercials end, fade back in on ring. We see Michael Burger already in the ring...damn monkeys ran the ads too long)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the Chuck Barris Studios, the King of Whoopie, Bob Eubanks!"
(NG theme plays as Bob walks to the ring, escorted by his lovely dealers)
JR: "The winner of this match goes on to face Monty Hall in the second round. Should be interesting seeing what match Michael spins."
Bill: "Can you tell I'm getting excited now? It's not long now till I have vested interest in the fights."
Johnny: "And our special guest referee, he tames the dragon, he has a good, uh, gambit, and he's ready to shuffle some odds! Here he is, Wink Martindale!"
(TTD theme plays as the ref enters the ring)
Wink: "Michael, you're the challenger, so guess what, you get to spin the wheel. Lower the Gimmick Wheel!"
(Wheel is lowered as Michael gives it a spin, cussing out the Wheel in the process. Wheel apparently has a mind of its own because.....)
Wink: "It's the STRAP MATCH!"
(crowd roars)
JR: "GOOD LORD!"
(Betty White comes out and begins to remove her top)
Johnny: "It's STRAP, not STRIP!"
Betty: "Oh." (goes backstage)
Wink: "With the Strap Match, we give each of you one Jamaican strap. Your goal is to beat the hell out of your opponent. Go!"
(music plays as Michael and Bob start whacking each other with the straps. Crowd begins to get bored.)
JR: "Well, I always thought strap matches were exciting, but this is going a bit too far. Hopefully it gets livened up."
Bill: "You're telling me."
(all of a sudden, Bob goes low and kicks Michael in the you know where. Michael keels over, and takes Bob out at the legs and pins him. Wink stands there stupified, even as Michael celebrates. Wink grabs Bob's strap and whacks Michael upside the head with it)
(Meanwhile, the announcers are dumbfounded, as this match well, sucked.)
JR: "Uhhh. I'm at a loss for words once. Up next, Paul Lynde/Alex Trebek!"
...Yeah, it seems pretty short, but there's a helluva lot of matches. Tomorrow, the remaining four first round fights. Look for cameos by Mark L. Walberg, David Letterman and Doctor Phil.
posted by Blankety @ 10:20 PM
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