GSWF Retro: Smackdown Plus Part Two!!
Yep, these stories are reappearing faster than ladybugs. Here's Part Two, uncut and censored.
(cut to arena. "The Joker's Wild" music plays)
Johnny: "Our next match is the Joker Joker Dumpster match and it is scheduled for one fall. First, from the Barry and Enright Camp, Jack Barry!"
JR: "This should be interesting, to say the least. The winner will be the wrestler who puts their opponent in the dumpster first. However, we have no idea how this match is going to lead up to it."
(Barry is in ring. The FF music from '88 plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the second era of 'Family Feud,' Ray Combs!"(cheers)
JR: "Maybe we'll get some sort of explanation here."
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, since most of you don't know how this match works, here is our special guest host. You know him best from the current incarnation of 'Hollywood Squares' and his work on several different daytime shows. Please welcome Mr. Tom Bergeron!"
("I Love Hollywood" music plays as Tom enters the ring)
Tom: "Thank you, thank you! Wrestlers, fans, to do this match, we've utilized that famed slot machine from 'The Joker's Wild'! (cheers) Of course, it has it's GSWF touch to it. Instead of jokers, money, and devils, we have various maneuvers and such. If you land on them, you get to do those maneuvers to your challenger. But watch out! If you land on a Dumpster, the match is pretty much over since that means your opponent puts you in our special dumpster, furnished by the California State Garbage Department! So wrestlers--here comes the slot!"
(FF banjo music plays as slot machine is brought into ring)J
R: "Wow! That's pretty neat."
Tom: "I flipped a coin backstage before this match, and Jack, you won it. Pull the lever!"
(Jack pulls down on the lever)
Crowd: (chanting) "DUMPSTER! DUMPSTER! DUMPSTER!"
Tom: "A lariat----a scoop slam-----and a tiltawhirl slam!"
(Jack performs those moves on Ray.)
Tom: "All right, Ray, it's your turn."
(Ray pulls the lever)
Tom: "Piledriver-----piledriver------axe kick!"
(Ray does moves to Jack.)
JR: "Ow! This match is already looking painful."
Bill: "Glad I'm not involved in this!"
Tom: "All right, you each got one spin. Do you dare go on?"
Ray and Jack: "YEAH!"
Tom: "Jack, go!"
(Jack spins, and is able to beat up Ray some more. Ray does likewise. This goes on for some time)
JR: "It's been a few minutes, and these guys are STILL at it! Don't they realize we still have quite a few matches left?"
Bill: "There's the swimsuit match, right? And Eubanks versus Hall, which came as a result of the Lacey Pemberton peep show. Dawson versus Anderson, the Battle of the Broads, Lynde versus Taylor, and of course, our main event. That alone should end up lasting some time."
JR: "And they just went again! Will somebody just land on a dumpster? Rig it for all I care!"
Tom: "You two look like hell. Do you wanna go on? (two mumble incoherently) Jack, spin that machine!"
Jack: "You're mine, Combsy!"
Tom: "DDT-----DDT-------DUMPSTER!"
Jerry: "Agggh! He hit the dumpster! He hit the dumpster!"
Jack: "That wasn't supposed to happen! I rigged it so----"
Tom: "So you did CHEAT again, huh?"
Jack: "I DIDN'T RIG THIS!"
Ray: (picks up Jack) "Well, survey SAYS-----(tosses Jack in the Dumpster)------this match is OVER!" (slams the lid, bell rings)
JR: "And Jack Barry's little scheme once again backfired!"
Johnny: "The winner of this match, Ray Combs!"(cheers. Ray delights the crowd by doing his trademark dance)
JR: "And another rather interesting match in the books. And there's still quite a few left to go in tonight's show. Here's some commercials for you."
(fade out)
(fade in on ad)Announcer: "Saturday night, Game Show Network brings you an event so shocking, so stupendous, so damn exciting we can only reveal a teeny tiny bit of it for you in order for you to watch. It's-----a bunch of hosts discussing current events in wacky fashion! We can only tell you that much! So watch Saturday night and find out what the hell I'm talking about!"
(fade in on arena)
JR: "And welcome back to Smackdown Plus, where we've already had some interesting matches, and this one should be interesting to say the least."
("Bob and Merril's Theme" plays)
Johnny: "The next match is scheduled for one fall. First, coming to the ring, from the Center Square, Paul Lynde!"
(Paul is wearing that one shirt with the Xs and Os on there.)
JR: "We have no idea how the hell this match evolved, but we're seeing two flamboyant game show personalites about to beat each other senseless."
("$1.98 Beauty Show" end song plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the Chuck Barris Stages in Hollywood California, Mister $1.98 himself, Rip Taylor!"
(Rip walks down the aisle throwing confetti on fans and stuffing the empty bag over one fan's head, then enters ring. Referee motions for bell to ring)
JR: "And here we go. Paul's immediately got the advantage with his famed 'zinger offense', there's a weak lariat, into a clothesline, now a scoop slam."
Bill: "Something's just rubbing me wrong. Shouldn't we expect some flamboyant ending to this match?"
JR: "And Rip rebounds with a stiff kick to the face."
Paul: "Owww!"
Rip: "And here's another little number I came up with!" (whacks Paul with his coin changer. Ref doesn't notice the illegal move. Lynde blades, and staggers into Rip. He then gives him a wedgie and then starts strangling him with his monocle)JR: "These two fighting fire with fire. Unpleasant as it is."
(Rip breaks out of the chokehold and then gives Paul a jawbreaker, followed by an atomic drop)
Bill: "Can somebody tell me whether or not I'm seeing this?"
(Rip and Paul continue their attack when all of a sudden the MG '90 music plays. Fans look up from the stuff in the ring up to the arena)
JR: "Uh oh, this can only mean one thing...."
(the commissioner enters)
Crowd: (doing the Rob Van Dam chant and thumb gesture) "C! N! R!"
(CNR starts beating up both wrestlers. The fighting goes on until Lynde is able to rip the toupee off Chuck's head while Chuck does likewise to Rip. Crowd roars like mad)
CNR: "That hurt!"
Paul: (does his laugh)
Rip: "OK, Mister Tough Panelist, you think ripping off my toupee is fun?!?"
CNR: "Well there was nothing better to do!"
Rip: "I'll make you pay for this, Reilly! I'm challenging you to a match at RAW Monday night!"
CNR: "Fine! Fine! And since you're so obsessed over your little rug, let's make it a Toupee on a Pole Match*!"
Rip: "Fine! Enjoy it, Bald Boy!"
(all three start fighting, as refs and Brett Somers peel them apart and return their hairpieces. Crowd roars)
JR: "Well, we knew something was going to happen, it'll come to a head Monday with the Toupee on a Pole Match. I'm sure Sy Sperling may express interest in this one."
(cut to backstage construction area, where the set is really manifesting itself. Sheryl the obscene worker from earlier returns to the scene)
Sheryl: "OK, there's no more worries now. So why don't we just get this done?"
Constructor: "Patience! We have to make this perfect."
(cut to split screen of Janice and Lacey, wearing robes)
JR: "Oh my! It's the special swimsuit match, coming up next! Jerry, get that look off your face!!"
(fade out, then in on ad)
("Splendido" cue from TPiR plays)
Announcer: "This weekend, come on down to Encino for the grand opening of the newest Splendido store! Splendido specializes in 'NOTHING BUT FURNITURE!' Get a steal on this lovely set of Broyhill furniture! How about this chair from the Ashley Company? Or a nice supply of DuPont Stainmaster carpet? Splendido has all that and then some! Have a craving for NOTHING BUT FURNITURE? Then come on down to the new Splendido, located on the corner of 5th and Cortes in Encino!"
(fade out)
('86 Card Sharks music plays)
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is the Swimsuit Match! First, from the 80s Card Sharks, Lacey Pemberton!"
(Lacey waves, males hoot)
JR: "The men will obviously enjoy this match."
("Amen Brother Herbert" plays)
Johnny: "And her opponent, formerly from the Bob Barker Studio, from The Price is Right, Janice Pennington!"
(Janice waves, males hoot)
Jerry: "Puppies! Puppies!"
Bill: "Here we go again!"
Johnny: "And as per GSWF rules, here is our special guest judge, Jerry 'The King' Lawler!"
(the King's music plays as he leaves the announce position and enters ring)
Jerry: "Hello everybody, and welcome to heaven! Aggh! Now here's the way we do it. I never end up as the judge in this case, it's always YOU GUYS!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "The crowd enjoys these matches a lot."
Jerry: "Now, I'll ask the ladies to take off their robes, and whoever gets the best response wins!"
(crowd continues cheering)
Bill: "Of course, announcers are disqualified, as are any other GSWF employee. Dang."
Jerry: "OK, I flipped a coin before this match, and Lacey, you go first! Ready? Disrobe!"
(Match Game strip music plays as Lacey takes off her robe, revealing a very skimpy bikini, in her CS dealer color. Males hoot and make grunting noises. Females in crowd scream "Men are Pigs!", completely ignoring the fact they were having orgasms earlier in the evening during the Hardcore match.)
JR: "Lacey looks rather, uh, stunning!"
Jerry: "All right. Janice?"
Janice: "Hit the music, boys!"
(strip music plays as Janice teases taking off the robe, then slooooowly removes it, revealing an outfit that would most likely give a great deal of people heart attacks based on the sheer skimpiness of it. Men in the audience are going wild. Women are about ready to kill men.)
Jerry: "OK! OK! People, you've seen the outfits, now it's time to judge! First off, Lacey! (wild cheers) And now, Janice! (extremely wild cheers) Well, I think we know who the winner is....Janice Pennington!"
(Janice pumps her fists. Lacey b****slaps her. Janice falls to mat and Lacey starts punching her. Crowd goes wild. All of a sudden Suzanna Williams runs into the ring to help Lacey. Holly Hallstrom runs in to make the save. A massive catfight erupts as the women from the match scheduled for later, thinking it was time to fight, come out and start beating each other up. Mass pandemonium in the ring)JR: "Well there goes the Battle of the Broads. Guess we're short a match tonight, but we'll compensate."
Bill: "Jerry, get out of there! Let security handle things."
Jerry, running out of ring: "AGGGGHHHHH!"
(backstage mercy segment. Pat Bullard continues prancing around merrily after his attack on Jim Perry. He stands near a large pile of boxes when we hear a scream and the boxes suddenly tumble on him. The boxes reveal that it's Jim Perry, who somehow recovered quickly from said attack. He starts using the boxes on Bullard. Bullard is a mess as Jim leaves whistling the 70s Card Sharks theme)
(meanwhile....LOL)
Interviewer: "Here we are, back at the construction site for the set for the main event. How close are you to getting this baby ready?"
Constructor: "Unbelievably, we're in final preparations. We have pretty much everything built. It's all just a matter of assembly and know-how. Let me just say that the fans will not be disappointed, and this match is going to be talked about for a long time."
Interviewer: "Cool."
(cut to some place vaguely similar to something we're at right now)
JR: "Let's go to the Smackdown Plus party being held at the GSN Forum, where tonight's special guest hosts are the GSWF tag team champions and their manager."
John Charles Daly: "Mr. Ross, it's been a great pleasure hosting the party over at the Forum here. Granted, the majority of the discussion has been petty arguing over that new show, but for the most part, we have some very excited fans."
(Vanna Pemberton is drooling as a result of seeing Lacey's bikini match. Tom3 is waving a giant foam finger. Steve Shuffield is trying hard not to disrupt the library patrons. Blanketyblank continues chugging her Mountain Dew as she types this.)
Bennett Cerf: "It's a shame though we can't be at the arena witnessing tonight's fights. For the most part, they've been rather interesting."
JR: "You're telling me. So what do you think will be the big match tonight?"
Arlene Francis: "Well Jim, that match between Bob Eubanks and Monty Hall should be an interesting one to say the least. And of course the Armageddon Match should be, well, one for the books. I'm kind of glad I'm not there in person to witness it."
JR: "Well, thank you three for your time. Enjoy the bash at the boards. Friends, we have to break away for commercials now, but stay tuned because you never know what the hell will happen next."
(fade in to ad)
Announcer: "Have you wanted to own the crap you see on GSN Raw and Smackdown Plus? Wanna be the envy of your neighborhood. Then visit the Game Show Network Store! Get your own version of some popular games. Wear what the stars wear. We got props, mics, cards, you name it, we got it! And check out the Big Deal section every day to find out what goodies you can get. The GSN Store. Buy."(fade out)
(fade in on arena)Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, for our next match, please welcome our special ring announcer, our referee Charlie O'Donnell!"
(cheers as Charlie, armed with mic, enters ring)
JR: "Charlie O', recognizable by most fans as the current Wheel of Fortune announcer."
Charlie: "From the Bob Barker Studio, It's a special edition of America's Game!"
Audience: "WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!"
(current "Wheel" theme plays as they begin cheering wildly as the ring converts into a quasi Wheel set)
Charlie: "And let's meet our combatants! First, the man currently spinning the Wheel, Pat Sajak! And his partner, one man who replaced him briefly, Bob Goen!"
(the two enter the ring)
JR: "Must be time for that 'Wheel of Doom' tag team match made at the beginning of the show."
("Scrabble" theme plays, crowd cheers)
Charlie: "And their opponents. First, the original Master of the Wheel, who went on to Scrabble, Love Connection, and Greed, Chuck Woolery! And his partner, fresh out of Encino, Rolf Benirscke!"
(Chuck and Rolf enter ring)
Bill: "It's not always you see all the Wheel hosts in the same ring. The last match of this proportion was the 'To Tell The Truth Moderator Battle Royal,' which ended up being a no contest."
Charlie: "Hosts, due to all of you competing at one time, we needed to bring in a special guest host. In order to do that, we put the names of people not involved in matches tonight or who probably wouldn't have showed up into a bowl, and we drew one name out of that bowl. We then briefed the host on the rules of Wheel of Fortune. The special guest host for tonight is a man who's more apt dealing with Henry Morgan than asking if you'd like to buy a vowel. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest host, Garry Moore!"
("Plink Plank Plunk" song from IGAS plays, crowd starts cheering)
JR: "Luck of the draw, I suppose."
Bill: "One must wonder if Henry rigged the drawing."
(Garry walks down the aisle, ciggy in one hand and his cards in the other, and enters ring)
Crowd: (starts chanting) "Forty down! Forty to go!"
Garry: "Thank you so much, friends! As Mr. O'Donnell said, I needed to get a quick lesson on how this game worked. And apparently the first thing I'm supposed to do is introduce the letter turners for the match. Normally there's one, but in order to make this match work, we have two! Please give a warm welcome to Ms. Vanna White and Ms. Susan Stafford!"
("I'm a Wheel Watcher" song plays as girls enter the ring and stand by the puzzle board)
JR: "The men obviously liked that."
Garry: "Now that that's out of the way, let's start with our first puzzle... (cut to board)----- ---- ----- ------ (puzzle cue plays)....It's PERSON. Pat, spin the wheel."
(Sajak spins the wheel. It lands on $250.)
Garry: "Two fifty."
Pat: " 'S'!"
(dinging as letters light up and Vanna and Susan touch them)
Garry: "Good pick there, Pat. There's three of them."
S---- ---- S---- --S---
Pat: "I'll spin again. (spins wheel, it lands on $100) R?"
(buzzer)
Garry: "No R. Chuck, your turn."
(Woolery spins the Wheel, lands on 5K, crowd cheers)
Chuck: "I'll take a T!"
Garry: "Guess what, Chuck? There's three of them too!"
(Vanna and Susan touch letters)
ST--- ---- ST--- --ST--
Rolf: "I'd like to solve the puzzle!"
Garry: "Are you sure, Rolf?"
Rolf: "Damn straight I'm sure! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!"
(Wheel win cue plays)
JR: "And Rolf and Chuck win fifteen thousand off the bat!"
Pat: "Dammit! That was going to be our next guess!"
Bill: "Boy, that was kind of short for a match. Geez."
Charlie: "Uh, the winners are Chuck and Rolf!"
(crowd is absolutely dead as a result of what just happened. Hosts stand in the ring dumbfounded)
Jerry: "Talk about a cheap match! But I guess maybe this was what should happen, considering we still have quite a few more to go!"
JR: "Friends, we promise you that there's going to be some more exciting stuff before the show's over. We still have Eubanks versus Hall, Dawson versus Anderson, and the much ballyhooed main event. Hell, we may even see some promos. Stay tuned!"
(fade out)
(fade in on ad)
Announcer: "WARNING: the following video may be unsuitable for younger viewers. (cut to "Girls Gone Wild" type video) Men, hold on to your---well, you know! It's "Models Gone Mad!" See your favorite game show models baring all for the camera (show appropriate footage)! Models Gone Mad can be yours for the unbelievable price of $19.95 plus shipping! Plus, if you call in the next five minutes, we'll throw in Models Gone Mad volume two absolutely FREE! Get your copy today!"
(fade in on announce table as Smackdown music plays in background)
JR: "And welcome back to Smackdown Plus. For those of you wondering if anything happened during the break, no. Everyone was still pretty much in shock after the outcome of that match. Now, friends, we have to inform you more on the little incident that happened on one of the planes coming back from the recent European tour. According to one official who witnessed the whole thing, the fiasco started after Buddy Hackett had a bit too much to drink and started harassing others. He proceeded to refer to Nipsey Russell by one derogatory remark. Nipsey, who also had a bit too much, got infuriated and began to fight Hackett. Several other hosts got involved, including Jim Lange, who nearly opened the emergency exit door. Had it not been for Bob Barker passed out on the floor, disaster most likely would have erupted. As a result, those involved in the fight have been placed on suspension and several of the officials on board have been reprimanded for their lack of involvement."
Jerry: "JR, there's really no room in the GSWF for those kind of shenanigans."
Bill: "I have to agree with you on that Jerry. Especially when there's others not involved in the GSWF on the flight."
JR: "Now that that's out of the way, friends, just a reminder about some upcoming shows. Tickets are still available for the Sunday night show at Rockefeller Center. Tickets just went on sale for a Wednesday night show at Newberry's, and the Encino Convention Center for Tuesday night. Contact your local Ticketmaster office for information."
Bill: "Should be about time for another match now, eh?"
("The Newlywed Game" theme begins playing)
Johnny: "Our next match is scheduled for one fall. First, coming to the ring, from the Chuck Barris Runway, Bob Eubanks!"
(loud chants of "In the (cuckoo)!" as Eubanks walks down aisle and enters ring)JR: "This match was made after Monty Hall ding dong ditched Eubanks and managed to get more of a glimpse of Lacey Pemberton than most people should."
Bill: "You take a look at it, I can see why Eubanks would get mad and want to take out Monty as a result. Although, I can't see why he didn't challenge the other two hosts involved in the incident."
JR: "Good point, Mr. Cullen."
(LMAD music plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from Canada, being accompanied to the ring by Carol Merrill, Monty Hall!"
Crowd: (chanting) "DOOR NUMBER ONE! DOOR NUMBER ONE!"
(Monty motions Carol to go by the announce table)
JR: "Let's see if we can actually get a decent finish this time."
(bell rings)
Bill: "It's been a rather interesting night so far. We've already had a title change in the table match. Of course, I was involved in that. We had one fight get called off because of the confusion emanating from the swimsuit match----Eubanks with a hard suplex on Hall. We also had some matches made for the PPV event, including the Toupee on a Pole match, and some others. And Eubanks continues his assault. He's zonking Monty in this fight. And there he goes with a Boston Crab, Monty's trying not to submit, succeeding for the most part."
JR: "And of course the Armageddon Match is in a sense, only moments away. I've never called a match like this in my life and I don't know if I ever will again."
Bill: "I was involved in some, but to call this match is definitely something that'll boost the old resume hickey, but the carnage that's most likely going to result from this is something I'm not looking forward to."
(Bob continues his assault on Monty, although Hall was able to rebound a few times. While the ref tends to Monty, Carol gets a look on her face and suddenly walks up to the ring, gets up on the apron, and begins teasing Bob with those lovely legs of hers. Bob gets a lusty look on his face.)
Bob: "Ohhh, Lacey...."
Carol: "I'm not Lacey!" (slaps Bob, causing him to stagger back where Monty kind of pushes the ref away, then clotheslines Eubanks.)
JR: "Carol Merrill getting involved, but--oh my, some woman has jumped the barrier and yanked Carol off the apron! Carol's in pain! There goes Hall----OH! Eubanks just gave him the Whoopeeslam! And the ref's made the cover! (bell rings) And this one's over!"
(crowd boos)
Johnny: "The winner as a result of pinfall, Bob Eubanks!"
(the mystery lady continues her assault on Carol when all of a sudden Jay Stewart runs down the aisle and gasses her with a fire extinguisher. Bob starts cursing and runs out. Monty slowly gets up, goes out of the ring, and helps Jay assist Carol to the backstage area)
JR: "That mystery lady, who the hell is she? She's most likely put Carol on the shelf for some time. And she caused Eubanks to get the tainted win. Dammit!"
Bill: "Now, JR, don't get all worked up now! You got to save that energy for the main event!"
(backstage time! yaaaay! Vince is in the back with Michael)
Vince: "Can you feel it?"
Michael: "You damn straight I can!"
Vince: "It's your night to shine, by God! Do what you're supposed to do, and then some!"
Michael: "Yeah! I'm the greatest champ that ever lived! And tonight I make that statement in blood!"
(cut to commish's room---Gene watches Michael's trash talk on the TV.)
(cut to that damn snack bar)
Jim: "Damn, Tom, we should have been down there to help!"
Tom K.: "You bet we should have. We're gonna make Eubanks pay for what that person did to Carol!"
Jim: "Yeah. How about us, versus him and that broad, at the PPV!"
Tom K.: "Yeah!"
(Pat Sajak and Bob Goen enter....snack bar immediately goes quiet.)
Tom B.: "Oh, it's you turds! What the hell was that piece of crap match out there tonight?"
Pat: "Shut your piehole, Bergeron!"
Tom B.: "Hell, I could have beaten John Davidson in a Squares match, and it would've been more entertaining than that crap you pulled in the ring!"
Pat: "Oh, you think so?"
Tom B.: "YEAH!"
(he suckerpunches Pat. Bob double teams Bergeron, than Jim and Tom K. get involved. Some other people start screaming as the snack bar gets decimated)
JR: "OH MY! OH MY! OH MY!"
(Bill strikes JR with chair, fade out)
(cut to the remains of the snack bar, where cops are cuffing Sajak, Bergeron, Goen, Peck and Kennedy. Others stand around holding injured limbs and stuff. "COPS" music plays in background...the camera pans to show some Jamaicans with musical instruments)
Jamaicans, singing:
"Bad hosts, bad hosts
Whatcha gonna do
Whatcha gonna do
When they bankrupt you?"
Cop: "All right, that's enough!" (starts beating up the Jamaicans with his nightstick, other cops join in)
Jamaicans: "Hey mon, that's brutality!"
(all of a sudden the big Whammy! comes in and beats up the cops, the Jamaicans start playing again, and we probably shouldn't show any more stuff from this part of the arena)
(cut to the parking lot, where the obscene door attendant puts back the door destroyed earlier in the program. He shouldn't have, because all of a sudden, the door goes flying and we see Richard Karn, of all people)
Attendant: "What the hell are you doing here? You're not on the list!"
Karn: "I don't think so, Tim!" (punches attendant in gut and walks past, leaving the attendant alternately gasping and swearing)
(the camera switches to the interviewer)
Interviewer: "And we're standing by with Louie Anderson, who's on his way to the ring for our next match. Louie, everyone's wondering, what happened with you and Rosie on RAW?"
Louie: (unintelligible)
Interviewer: "Mm hmm. What's your strategy against Richard Dawson in this fight?"
Louie: (unintelligible; the camera pans to reveal Louie is shoving donuts in his mouth like always)
Interviewer: "Thank you, Louie. JR?"
(cut to announce table)
JR: "Uh, thank you for that interview. Friends, don't forget to stay tuned, cause after the Dawson/Anderson match is the BIG ONE, the mother of all fights, that hellish Armageddon Match, and we don't know----"
(the music of WWF wrestler Christian plays and the pyro goes off)
Bill: "What the hell?"
(Christian enters)
JR: "Friends, this isn't part of the schedule here, this is a WWF wrestler once again confused as to where he should be."
(Christian enters ring with mic and shows off, crowd boos)
Jerry: "Guard! Guard!"
(security official enters and shocks Christian with a cattle prod. He then drags Christian off)
JR: "We apologize for that little moronic error. The recent spate of wrestlers showing up at GSWF event should be cleared up soon. Once again, we apologize for what you just saw."
(FF '99 theme plays)
Johnny: (entering ring with a "what?" look on his face) "The following match is scheduled for one fall! First coming to the ring, from Minnesota, weighing nothing but Dunkin Donuts, Louie Anderson!"
(boos as Louie rolls into ring)
JR: "Dawson's return match after coming back from injury at the hands of the GSNWO, coming against the tub of goo."
Bill: "Several people did make returns tonight, and we have one more return to go with the main event. Speaking of, did we get the barrier yet?"
(FF '76 music plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from England, the original host of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!"
(cheers and several ladies faint. Richard goes to one section of the fan barrier, shakes one guy's hand, and kisses a female. More ladies faint)
JR: "This should be a great penultimate match before well, the match we've hyped enough."
(bell rings)
JR: "And here we go. Louie goes right for Dawson's injured area---his shoulder!"
Bill: "Don't scare the viewers like that!"
Jerry: "So how far are we from it?"
JR: "Pretty close, King! And Louie splashes. He's clearly on the offensive in this match. Dawson's barely able to get up with that weak shoulder---there's a kick in Anderson's midsection! He's mounting a comeback here! Oh my!"
Bill: "Definitely some major signs of resilience here with Richard. And there's a belly to back suplex! He's bringing out the showcase moves!"
(ladies start cheering, as the camera cuts to Richard Karn walking out of one corner of the arena, armed with some tools and several pieces of plywood.)
JR: "And that's none other than Al Borland! What's he doing here?"
Bill: "The news is he got hired to replace Louie, only Louie doesn't know it yet."
JR: "Things couldn't get any more weirder around here!"
(Karn starts using tools to work on the plywood. Within minutes, he's constructed a table)
Jerry: "Hey, Al! Those people making the Armageddon Match crap could've used you back there! Haaahhh!"
(meanwhile, after several near pinfalls, Louie Irish whips Richard into the ropes, and attempts to perform the Lethal Louie Drop, but Dawson ducks the onslaught. Louie can't stop and flies out of the ring, into Karn's newly made table. Karn gets extremely pissed and starts beating Louie. The ref calls for the bell)
JR: "Richard Karn is unleashing some fury onto Louie Anderson for destroying his table!"
(Dawson pumps his fist in triumph in the ring as refs pull Karn and Anderson apart)
JR: "OH MY! This is gonna be one helluva an angle come Monday night on RAW!"
Bill: "Four Feuding hosts? This is going to get real interesting!"
(cut to backstage, where workers begin wheeling the set for the Armageddon match into ring. It passes Ray Combs in the hall, who stops and looks. The set goes past the wardrobe and makeup area. The people there stop touching up the females and watch in amazement. Cut to employee lounge, where Cameraman picks up his equipment and leaves to the applause of his coworkers.)
Interviewer: "And we're only minutes away from the BIG MAIN EVENT! I'm heading for ringside as I speak, this is a match for the ages!"
(cut to remains of snack bar, where people have found a TV set and are sitting eagerly around it)
(cut to area outside GSNWO dressing room)
Michael: "I'm off, to do my greatest conquest ever!"
Vince: "You get him, Burger! You get him!"
Bullard: "Yeah!"
(other members start clapping and cheering Michael on as he starts his walk, clutching his title closely. Vince goes along with his champ, bringing Kroger and MacGuffin as bodyguards)
(meanwhile, outside the commish's office, the cops, the Jamaican singers, the Whammy, the hosts under arrest, Peter Marshall, Bob Eubanks, Monty Hall, the returning Richard, and several event staff are milling about talking quietly)
Cop: "Spread them!"
Sajak: "Excuse me?"
(cop hits him with nightstick)
(Jamaicans open their mouths; Whammy gives them evil stare)
Peter: "How long is it?"
Monty: "Shouldn't be long, shouldn't be long
(the door busts open)
Bob: "Oh, crap! It's time!"
(Jamaicans gang up on Whammy and start playing appropriate music. The people in the hall move away from the office as Gene walks out and down the hallway, with Brett in tow. Dawson follows)
Peter: (shouting) "Don't do anything stupid!"
Monty: "We're all rooting for ya!"
Bob: "Can I have your gig after this?"
(Monty punches Bob and the cops go wild again. CNR comes out of----the office, and excepting the Jamaicans, there's relative silence)
Peter: "In the office, you guys! We can watch from there!"
CNR: "Just don't touch the rug! Or you're all gonna die!"
(Peter starts laughing hysterically as he, the cops, the Jamaicans and everyone else go into the office. The commish hurries down the corridor to catch up with the rest of the MG '7X posse."
(Smackdown music plays, cut to announce table, where they have the look on their face, as does half the crowd behind them."
JR: "OH MY GOD! THE STAGE HAS BEEN SET FOR THE BIGGEST EVENT IN GSWF HISTORY!"
Bill: "Settle down! Settle down!"
Jerry: "AGGGH! IT'S UPON US! IT'S UPON US!"
JR: "Coming up next! Rayburn! Burger! The title on the line! ARMAGEDDON IS HERE!"
(Bill smacks JR with his chair as we fade out)
...and so ends Part Two. The conclusion will be The Armageddon Match, in all its blanking glory.
*=unfortunately, this match, along with some others, never aired. Well, that's going to be corrected in November...the return of the GSWF will begin with "The Lost Episode." Stay Tuned!!!!
(cut to arena. "The Joker's Wild" music plays)
Johnny: "Our next match is the Joker Joker Dumpster match and it is scheduled for one fall. First, from the Barry and Enright Camp, Jack Barry!"
JR: "This should be interesting, to say the least. The winner will be the wrestler who puts their opponent in the dumpster first. However, we have no idea how this match is going to lead up to it."
(Barry is in ring. The FF music from '88 plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the second era of 'Family Feud,' Ray Combs!"(cheers)
JR: "Maybe we'll get some sort of explanation here."
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, since most of you don't know how this match works, here is our special guest host. You know him best from the current incarnation of 'Hollywood Squares' and his work on several different daytime shows. Please welcome Mr. Tom Bergeron!"
("I Love Hollywood" music plays as Tom enters the ring)
Tom: "Thank you, thank you! Wrestlers, fans, to do this match, we've utilized that famed slot machine from 'The Joker's Wild'! (cheers) Of course, it has it's GSWF touch to it. Instead of jokers, money, and devils, we have various maneuvers and such. If you land on them, you get to do those maneuvers to your challenger. But watch out! If you land on a Dumpster, the match is pretty much over since that means your opponent puts you in our special dumpster, furnished by the California State Garbage Department! So wrestlers--here comes the slot!"
(FF banjo music plays as slot machine is brought into ring)J
R: "Wow! That's pretty neat."
Tom: "I flipped a coin backstage before this match, and Jack, you won it. Pull the lever!"
(Jack pulls down on the lever)
Crowd: (chanting) "DUMPSTER! DUMPSTER! DUMPSTER!"
Tom: "A lariat----a scoop slam-----and a tiltawhirl slam!"
(Jack performs those moves on Ray.)
Tom: "All right, Ray, it's your turn."
(Ray pulls the lever)
Tom: "Piledriver-----piledriver------axe kick!"
(Ray does moves to Jack.)
JR: "Ow! This match is already looking painful."
Bill: "Glad I'm not involved in this!"
Tom: "All right, you each got one spin. Do you dare go on?"
Ray and Jack: "YEAH!"
Tom: "Jack, go!"
(Jack spins, and is able to beat up Ray some more. Ray does likewise. This goes on for some time)
JR: "It's been a few minutes, and these guys are STILL at it! Don't they realize we still have quite a few matches left?"
Bill: "There's the swimsuit match, right? And Eubanks versus Hall, which came as a result of the Lacey Pemberton peep show. Dawson versus Anderson, the Battle of the Broads, Lynde versus Taylor, and of course, our main event. That alone should end up lasting some time."
JR: "And they just went again! Will somebody just land on a dumpster? Rig it for all I care!"
Tom: "You two look like hell. Do you wanna go on? (two mumble incoherently) Jack, spin that machine!"
Jack: "You're mine, Combsy!"
Tom: "DDT-----DDT-------DUMPSTER!"
Jerry: "Agggh! He hit the dumpster! He hit the dumpster!"
Jack: "That wasn't supposed to happen! I rigged it so----"
Tom: "So you did CHEAT again, huh?"
Jack: "I DIDN'T RIG THIS!"
Ray: (picks up Jack) "Well, survey SAYS-----(tosses Jack in the Dumpster)------this match is OVER!" (slams the lid, bell rings)
JR: "And Jack Barry's little scheme once again backfired!"
Johnny: "The winner of this match, Ray Combs!"(cheers. Ray delights the crowd by doing his trademark dance)
JR: "And another rather interesting match in the books. And there's still quite a few left to go in tonight's show. Here's some commercials for you."
(fade out)
(fade in on ad)Announcer: "Saturday night, Game Show Network brings you an event so shocking, so stupendous, so damn exciting we can only reveal a teeny tiny bit of it for you in order for you to watch. It's-----a bunch of hosts discussing current events in wacky fashion! We can only tell you that much! So watch Saturday night and find out what the hell I'm talking about!"
(fade in on arena)
JR: "And welcome back to Smackdown Plus, where we've already had some interesting matches, and this one should be interesting to say the least."
("Bob and Merril's Theme" plays)
Johnny: "The next match is scheduled for one fall. First, coming to the ring, from the Center Square, Paul Lynde!"
(Paul is wearing that one shirt with the Xs and Os on there.)
JR: "We have no idea how the hell this match evolved, but we're seeing two flamboyant game show personalites about to beat each other senseless."
("$1.98 Beauty Show" end song plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the Chuck Barris Stages in Hollywood California, Mister $1.98 himself, Rip Taylor!"
(Rip walks down the aisle throwing confetti on fans and stuffing the empty bag over one fan's head, then enters ring. Referee motions for bell to ring)
JR: "And here we go. Paul's immediately got the advantage with his famed 'zinger offense', there's a weak lariat, into a clothesline, now a scoop slam."
Bill: "Something's just rubbing me wrong. Shouldn't we expect some flamboyant ending to this match?"
JR: "And Rip rebounds with a stiff kick to the face."
Paul: "Owww!"
Rip: "And here's another little number I came up with!" (whacks Paul with his coin changer. Ref doesn't notice the illegal move. Lynde blades, and staggers into Rip. He then gives him a wedgie and then starts strangling him with his monocle)JR: "These two fighting fire with fire. Unpleasant as it is."
(Rip breaks out of the chokehold and then gives Paul a jawbreaker, followed by an atomic drop)
Bill: "Can somebody tell me whether or not I'm seeing this?"
(Rip and Paul continue their attack when all of a sudden the MG '90 music plays. Fans look up from the stuff in the ring up to the arena)
JR: "Uh oh, this can only mean one thing...."
(the commissioner enters)
Crowd: (doing the Rob Van Dam chant and thumb gesture) "C! N! R!"
(CNR starts beating up both wrestlers. The fighting goes on until Lynde is able to rip the toupee off Chuck's head while Chuck does likewise to Rip. Crowd roars like mad)
CNR: "That hurt!"
Paul: (does his laugh)
Rip: "OK, Mister Tough Panelist, you think ripping off my toupee is fun?!?"
CNR: "Well there was nothing better to do!"
Rip: "I'll make you pay for this, Reilly! I'm challenging you to a match at RAW Monday night!"
CNR: "Fine! Fine! And since you're so obsessed over your little rug, let's make it a Toupee on a Pole Match*!"
Rip: "Fine! Enjoy it, Bald Boy!"
(all three start fighting, as refs and Brett Somers peel them apart and return their hairpieces. Crowd roars)
JR: "Well, we knew something was going to happen, it'll come to a head Monday with the Toupee on a Pole Match. I'm sure Sy Sperling may express interest in this one."
(cut to backstage construction area, where the set is really manifesting itself. Sheryl the obscene worker from earlier returns to the scene)
Sheryl: "OK, there's no more worries now. So why don't we just get this done?"
Constructor: "Patience! We have to make this perfect."
(cut to split screen of Janice and Lacey, wearing robes)
JR: "Oh my! It's the special swimsuit match, coming up next! Jerry, get that look off your face!!"
(fade out, then in on ad)
("Splendido" cue from TPiR plays)
Announcer: "This weekend, come on down to Encino for the grand opening of the newest Splendido store! Splendido specializes in 'NOTHING BUT FURNITURE!' Get a steal on this lovely set of Broyhill furniture! How about this chair from the Ashley Company? Or a nice supply of DuPont Stainmaster carpet? Splendido has all that and then some! Have a craving for NOTHING BUT FURNITURE? Then come on down to the new Splendido, located on the corner of 5th and Cortes in Encino!"
(fade out)
('86 Card Sharks music plays)
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is the Swimsuit Match! First, from the 80s Card Sharks, Lacey Pemberton!"
(Lacey waves, males hoot)
JR: "The men will obviously enjoy this match."
("Amen Brother Herbert" plays)
Johnny: "And her opponent, formerly from the Bob Barker Studio, from The Price is Right, Janice Pennington!"
(Janice waves, males hoot)
Jerry: "Puppies! Puppies!"
Bill: "Here we go again!"
Johnny: "And as per GSWF rules, here is our special guest judge, Jerry 'The King' Lawler!"
(the King's music plays as he leaves the announce position and enters ring)
Jerry: "Hello everybody, and welcome to heaven! Aggh! Now here's the way we do it. I never end up as the judge in this case, it's always YOU GUYS!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "The crowd enjoys these matches a lot."
Jerry: "Now, I'll ask the ladies to take off their robes, and whoever gets the best response wins!"
(crowd continues cheering)
Bill: "Of course, announcers are disqualified, as are any other GSWF employee. Dang."
Jerry: "OK, I flipped a coin before this match, and Lacey, you go first! Ready? Disrobe!"
(Match Game strip music plays as Lacey takes off her robe, revealing a very skimpy bikini, in her CS dealer color. Males hoot and make grunting noises. Females in crowd scream "Men are Pigs!", completely ignoring the fact they were having orgasms earlier in the evening during the Hardcore match.)
JR: "Lacey looks rather, uh, stunning!"
Jerry: "All right. Janice?"
Janice: "Hit the music, boys!"
(strip music plays as Janice teases taking off the robe, then slooooowly removes it, revealing an outfit that would most likely give a great deal of people heart attacks based on the sheer skimpiness of it. Men in the audience are going wild. Women are about ready to kill men.)
Jerry: "OK! OK! People, you've seen the outfits, now it's time to judge! First off, Lacey! (wild cheers) And now, Janice! (extremely wild cheers) Well, I think we know who the winner is....Janice Pennington!"
(Janice pumps her fists. Lacey b****slaps her. Janice falls to mat and Lacey starts punching her. Crowd goes wild. All of a sudden Suzanna Williams runs into the ring to help Lacey. Holly Hallstrom runs in to make the save. A massive catfight erupts as the women from the match scheduled for later, thinking it was time to fight, come out and start beating each other up. Mass pandemonium in the ring)JR: "Well there goes the Battle of the Broads. Guess we're short a match tonight, but we'll compensate."
Bill: "Jerry, get out of there! Let security handle things."
Jerry, running out of ring: "AGGGGHHHHH!"
(backstage mercy segment. Pat Bullard continues prancing around merrily after his attack on Jim Perry. He stands near a large pile of boxes when we hear a scream and the boxes suddenly tumble on him. The boxes reveal that it's Jim Perry, who somehow recovered quickly from said attack. He starts using the boxes on Bullard. Bullard is a mess as Jim leaves whistling the 70s Card Sharks theme)
(meanwhile....LOL)
Interviewer: "Here we are, back at the construction site for the set for the main event. How close are you to getting this baby ready?"
Constructor: "Unbelievably, we're in final preparations. We have pretty much everything built. It's all just a matter of assembly and know-how. Let me just say that the fans will not be disappointed, and this match is going to be talked about for a long time."
Interviewer: "Cool."
(cut to some place vaguely similar to something we're at right now)
JR: "Let's go to the Smackdown Plus party being held at the GSN Forum, where tonight's special guest hosts are the GSWF tag team champions and their manager."
John Charles Daly: "Mr. Ross, it's been a great pleasure hosting the party over at the Forum here. Granted, the majority of the discussion has been petty arguing over that new show, but for the most part, we have some very excited fans."
(Vanna Pemberton is drooling as a result of seeing Lacey's bikini match. Tom3 is waving a giant foam finger. Steve Shuffield is trying hard not to disrupt the library patrons. Blanketyblank continues chugging her Mountain Dew as she types this.)
Bennett Cerf: "It's a shame though we can't be at the arena witnessing tonight's fights. For the most part, they've been rather interesting."
JR: "You're telling me. So what do you think will be the big match tonight?"
Arlene Francis: "Well Jim, that match between Bob Eubanks and Monty Hall should be an interesting one to say the least. And of course the Armageddon Match should be, well, one for the books. I'm kind of glad I'm not there in person to witness it."
JR: "Well, thank you three for your time. Enjoy the bash at the boards. Friends, we have to break away for commercials now, but stay tuned because you never know what the hell will happen next."
(fade in to ad)
Announcer: "Have you wanted to own the crap you see on GSN Raw and Smackdown Plus? Wanna be the envy of your neighborhood. Then visit the Game Show Network Store! Get your own version of some popular games. Wear what the stars wear. We got props, mics, cards, you name it, we got it! And check out the Big Deal section every day to find out what goodies you can get. The GSN Store. Buy."(fade out)
(fade in on arena)Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, for our next match, please welcome our special ring announcer, our referee Charlie O'Donnell!"
(cheers as Charlie, armed with mic, enters ring)
JR: "Charlie O', recognizable by most fans as the current Wheel of Fortune announcer."
Charlie: "From the Bob Barker Studio, It's a special edition of America's Game!"
Audience: "WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!"
(current "Wheel" theme plays as they begin cheering wildly as the ring converts into a quasi Wheel set)
Charlie: "And let's meet our combatants! First, the man currently spinning the Wheel, Pat Sajak! And his partner, one man who replaced him briefly, Bob Goen!"
(the two enter the ring)
JR: "Must be time for that 'Wheel of Doom' tag team match made at the beginning of the show."
("Scrabble" theme plays, crowd cheers)
Charlie: "And their opponents. First, the original Master of the Wheel, who went on to Scrabble, Love Connection, and Greed, Chuck Woolery! And his partner, fresh out of Encino, Rolf Benirscke!"
(Chuck and Rolf enter ring)
Bill: "It's not always you see all the Wheel hosts in the same ring. The last match of this proportion was the 'To Tell The Truth Moderator Battle Royal,' which ended up being a no contest."
Charlie: "Hosts, due to all of you competing at one time, we needed to bring in a special guest host. In order to do that, we put the names of people not involved in matches tonight or who probably wouldn't have showed up into a bowl, and we drew one name out of that bowl. We then briefed the host on the rules of Wheel of Fortune. The special guest host for tonight is a man who's more apt dealing with Henry Morgan than asking if you'd like to buy a vowel. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest host, Garry Moore!"
("Plink Plank Plunk" song from IGAS plays, crowd starts cheering)
JR: "Luck of the draw, I suppose."
Bill: "One must wonder if Henry rigged the drawing."
(Garry walks down the aisle, ciggy in one hand and his cards in the other, and enters ring)
Crowd: (starts chanting) "Forty down! Forty to go!"
Garry: "Thank you so much, friends! As Mr. O'Donnell said, I needed to get a quick lesson on how this game worked. And apparently the first thing I'm supposed to do is introduce the letter turners for the match. Normally there's one, but in order to make this match work, we have two! Please give a warm welcome to Ms. Vanna White and Ms. Susan Stafford!"
("I'm a Wheel Watcher" song plays as girls enter the ring and stand by the puzzle board)
JR: "The men obviously liked that."
Garry: "Now that that's out of the way, let's start with our first puzzle... (cut to board)----- ---- ----- ------ (puzzle cue plays)....It's PERSON. Pat, spin the wheel."
(Sajak spins the wheel. It lands on $250.)
Garry: "Two fifty."
Pat: " 'S'!"
(dinging as letters light up and Vanna and Susan touch them)
Garry: "Good pick there, Pat. There's three of them."
S---- ---- S---- --S---
Pat: "I'll spin again. (spins wheel, it lands on $100) R?"
(buzzer)
Garry: "No R. Chuck, your turn."
(Woolery spins the Wheel, lands on 5K, crowd cheers)
Chuck: "I'll take a T!"
Garry: "Guess what, Chuck? There's three of them too!"
(Vanna and Susan touch letters)
ST--- ---- ST--- --ST--
Rolf: "I'd like to solve the puzzle!"
Garry: "Are you sure, Rolf?"
Rolf: "Damn straight I'm sure! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!"
(Wheel win cue plays)
JR: "And Rolf and Chuck win fifteen thousand off the bat!"
Pat: "Dammit! That was going to be our next guess!"
Bill: "Boy, that was kind of short for a match. Geez."
Charlie: "Uh, the winners are Chuck and Rolf!"
(crowd is absolutely dead as a result of what just happened. Hosts stand in the ring dumbfounded)
Jerry: "Talk about a cheap match! But I guess maybe this was what should happen, considering we still have quite a few more to go!"
JR: "Friends, we promise you that there's going to be some more exciting stuff before the show's over. We still have Eubanks versus Hall, Dawson versus Anderson, and the much ballyhooed main event. Hell, we may even see some promos. Stay tuned!"
(fade out)
(fade in on ad)
Announcer: "WARNING: the following video may be unsuitable for younger viewers. (cut to "Girls Gone Wild" type video) Men, hold on to your---well, you know! It's "Models Gone Mad!" See your favorite game show models baring all for the camera (show appropriate footage)! Models Gone Mad can be yours for the unbelievable price of $19.95 plus shipping! Plus, if you call in the next five minutes, we'll throw in Models Gone Mad volume two absolutely FREE! Get your copy today!"
(fade in on announce table as Smackdown music plays in background)
JR: "And welcome back to Smackdown Plus. For those of you wondering if anything happened during the break, no. Everyone was still pretty much in shock after the outcome of that match. Now, friends, we have to inform you more on the little incident that happened on one of the planes coming back from the recent European tour. According to one official who witnessed the whole thing, the fiasco started after Buddy Hackett had a bit too much to drink and started harassing others. He proceeded to refer to Nipsey Russell by one derogatory remark. Nipsey, who also had a bit too much, got infuriated and began to fight Hackett. Several other hosts got involved, including Jim Lange, who nearly opened the emergency exit door. Had it not been for Bob Barker passed out on the floor, disaster most likely would have erupted. As a result, those involved in the fight have been placed on suspension and several of the officials on board have been reprimanded for their lack of involvement."
Jerry: "JR, there's really no room in the GSWF for those kind of shenanigans."
Bill: "I have to agree with you on that Jerry. Especially when there's others not involved in the GSWF on the flight."
JR: "Now that that's out of the way, friends, just a reminder about some upcoming shows. Tickets are still available for the Sunday night show at Rockefeller Center. Tickets just went on sale for a Wednesday night show at Newberry's, and the Encino Convention Center for Tuesday night. Contact your local Ticketmaster office for information."
Bill: "Should be about time for another match now, eh?"
("The Newlywed Game" theme begins playing)
Johnny: "Our next match is scheduled for one fall. First, coming to the ring, from the Chuck Barris Runway, Bob Eubanks!"
(loud chants of "In the (cuckoo)!" as Eubanks walks down aisle and enters ring)JR: "This match was made after Monty Hall ding dong ditched Eubanks and managed to get more of a glimpse of Lacey Pemberton than most people should."
Bill: "You take a look at it, I can see why Eubanks would get mad and want to take out Monty as a result. Although, I can't see why he didn't challenge the other two hosts involved in the incident."
JR: "Good point, Mr. Cullen."
(LMAD music plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from Canada, being accompanied to the ring by Carol Merrill, Monty Hall!"
Crowd: (chanting) "DOOR NUMBER ONE! DOOR NUMBER ONE!"
(Monty motions Carol to go by the announce table)
JR: "Let's see if we can actually get a decent finish this time."
(bell rings)
Bill: "It's been a rather interesting night so far. We've already had a title change in the table match. Of course, I was involved in that. We had one fight get called off because of the confusion emanating from the swimsuit match----Eubanks with a hard suplex on Hall. We also had some matches made for the PPV event, including the Toupee on a Pole match, and some others. And Eubanks continues his assault. He's zonking Monty in this fight. And there he goes with a Boston Crab, Monty's trying not to submit, succeeding for the most part."
JR: "And of course the Armageddon Match is in a sense, only moments away. I've never called a match like this in my life and I don't know if I ever will again."
Bill: "I was involved in some, but to call this match is definitely something that'll boost the old resume hickey, but the carnage that's most likely going to result from this is something I'm not looking forward to."
(Bob continues his assault on Monty, although Hall was able to rebound a few times. While the ref tends to Monty, Carol gets a look on her face and suddenly walks up to the ring, gets up on the apron, and begins teasing Bob with those lovely legs of hers. Bob gets a lusty look on his face.)
Bob: "Ohhh, Lacey...."
Carol: "I'm not Lacey!" (slaps Bob, causing him to stagger back where Monty kind of pushes the ref away, then clotheslines Eubanks.)
JR: "Carol Merrill getting involved, but--oh my, some woman has jumped the barrier and yanked Carol off the apron! Carol's in pain! There goes Hall----OH! Eubanks just gave him the Whoopeeslam! And the ref's made the cover! (bell rings) And this one's over!"
(crowd boos)
Johnny: "The winner as a result of pinfall, Bob Eubanks!"
(the mystery lady continues her assault on Carol when all of a sudden Jay Stewart runs down the aisle and gasses her with a fire extinguisher. Bob starts cursing and runs out. Monty slowly gets up, goes out of the ring, and helps Jay assist Carol to the backstage area)
JR: "That mystery lady, who the hell is she? She's most likely put Carol on the shelf for some time. And she caused Eubanks to get the tainted win. Dammit!"
Bill: "Now, JR, don't get all worked up now! You got to save that energy for the main event!"
(backstage time! yaaaay! Vince is in the back with Michael)
Vince: "Can you feel it?"
Michael: "You damn straight I can!"
Vince: "It's your night to shine, by God! Do what you're supposed to do, and then some!"
Michael: "Yeah! I'm the greatest champ that ever lived! And tonight I make that statement in blood!"
(cut to commish's room---Gene watches Michael's trash talk on the TV.)
(cut to that damn snack bar)
Jim: "Damn, Tom, we should have been down there to help!"
Tom K.: "You bet we should have. We're gonna make Eubanks pay for what that person did to Carol!"
Jim: "Yeah. How about us, versus him and that broad, at the PPV!"
Tom K.: "Yeah!"
(Pat Sajak and Bob Goen enter....snack bar immediately goes quiet.)
Tom B.: "Oh, it's you turds! What the hell was that piece of crap match out there tonight?"
Pat: "Shut your piehole, Bergeron!"
Tom B.: "Hell, I could have beaten John Davidson in a Squares match, and it would've been more entertaining than that crap you pulled in the ring!"
Pat: "Oh, you think so?"
Tom B.: "YEAH!"
(he suckerpunches Pat. Bob double teams Bergeron, than Jim and Tom K. get involved. Some other people start screaming as the snack bar gets decimated)
JR: "OH MY! OH MY! OH MY!"
(Bill strikes JR with chair, fade out)
(cut to the remains of the snack bar, where cops are cuffing Sajak, Bergeron, Goen, Peck and Kennedy. Others stand around holding injured limbs and stuff. "COPS" music plays in background...the camera pans to show some Jamaicans with musical instruments)
Jamaicans, singing:
"Bad hosts, bad hosts
Whatcha gonna do
Whatcha gonna do
When they bankrupt you?"
Cop: "All right, that's enough!" (starts beating up the Jamaicans with his nightstick, other cops join in)
Jamaicans: "Hey mon, that's brutality!"
(all of a sudden the big Whammy! comes in and beats up the cops, the Jamaicans start playing again, and we probably shouldn't show any more stuff from this part of the arena)
(cut to the parking lot, where the obscene door attendant puts back the door destroyed earlier in the program. He shouldn't have, because all of a sudden, the door goes flying and we see Richard Karn, of all people)
Attendant: "What the hell are you doing here? You're not on the list!"
Karn: "I don't think so, Tim!" (punches attendant in gut and walks past, leaving the attendant alternately gasping and swearing)
(the camera switches to the interviewer)
Interviewer: "And we're standing by with Louie Anderson, who's on his way to the ring for our next match. Louie, everyone's wondering, what happened with you and Rosie on RAW?"
Louie: (unintelligible)
Interviewer: "Mm hmm. What's your strategy against Richard Dawson in this fight?"
Louie: (unintelligible; the camera pans to reveal Louie is shoving donuts in his mouth like always)
Interviewer: "Thank you, Louie. JR?"
(cut to announce table)
JR: "Uh, thank you for that interview. Friends, don't forget to stay tuned, cause after the Dawson/Anderson match is the BIG ONE, the mother of all fights, that hellish Armageddon Match, and we don't know----"
(the music of WWF wrestler Christian plays and the pyro goes off)
Bill: "What the hell?"
(Christian enters)
JR: "Friends, this isn't part of the schedule here, this is a WWF wrestler once again confused as to where he should be."
(Christian enters ring with mic and shows off, crowd boos)
Jerry: "Guard! Guard!"
(security official enters and shocks Christian with a cattle prod. He then drags Christian off)
JR: "We apologize for that little moronic error. The recent spate of wrestlers showing up at GSWF event should be cleared up soon. Once again, we apologize for what you just saw."
(FF '99 theme plays)
Johnny: (entering ring with a "what?" look on his face) "The following match is scheduled for one fall! First coming to the ring, from Minnesota, weighing nothing but Dunkin Donuts, Louie Anderson!"
(boos as Louie rolls into ring)
JR: "Dawson's return match after coming back from injury at the hands of the GSNWO, coming against the tub of goo."
Bill: "Several people did make returns tonight, and we have one more return to go with the main event. Speaking of, did we get the barrier yet?"
(FF '76 music plays)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from England, the original host of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!"
(cheers and several ladies faint. Richard goes to one section of the fan barrier, shakes one guy's hand, and kisses a female. More ladies faint)
JR: "This should be a great penultimate match before well, the match we've hyped enough."
(bell rings)
JR: "And here we go. Louie goes right for Dawson's injured area---his shoulder!"
Bill: "Don't scare the viewers like that!"
Jerry: "So how far are we from it?"
JR: "Pretty close, King! And Louie splashes. He's clearly on the offensive in this match. Dawson's barely able to get up with that weak shoulder---there's a kick in Anderson's midsection! He's mounting a comeback here! Oh my!"
Bill: "Definitely some major signs of resilience here with Richard. And there's a belly to back suplex! He's bringing out the showcase moves!"
(ladies start cheering, as the camera cuts to Richard Karn walking out of one corner of the arena, armed with some tools and several pieces of plywood.)
JR: "And that's none other than Al Borland! What's he doing here?"
Bill: "The news is he got hired to replace Louie, only Louie doesn't know it yet."
JR: "Things couldn't get any more weirder around here!"
(Karn starts using tools to work on the plywood. Within minutes, he's constructed a table)
Jerry: "Hey, Al! Those people making the Armageddon Match crap could've used you back there! Haaahhh!"
(meanwhile, after several near pinfalls, Louie Irish whips Richard into the ropes, and attempts to perform the Lethal Louie Drop, but Dawson ducks the onslaught. Louie can't stop and flies out of the ring, into Karn's newly made table. Karn gets extremely pissed and starts beating Louie. The ref calls for the bell)
JR: "Richard Karn is unleashing some fury onto Louie Anderson for destroying his table!"
(Dawson pumps his fist in triumph in the ring as refs pull Karn and Anderson apart)
JR: "OH MY! This is gonna be one helluva an angle come Monday night on RAW!"
Bill: "Four Feuding hosts? This is going to get real interesting!"
(cut to backstage, where workers begin wheeling the set for the Armageddon match into ring. It passes Ray Combs in the hall, who stops and looks. The set goes past the wardrobe and makeup area. The people there stop touching up the females and watch in amazement. Cut to employee lounge, where Cameraman picks up his equipment and leaves to the applause of his coworkers.)
Interviewer: "And we're only minutes away from the BIG MAIN EVENT! I'm heading for ringside as I speak, this is a match for the ages!"
(cut to remains of snack bar, where people have found a TV set and are sitting eagerly around it)
(cut to area outside GSNWO dressing room)
Michael: "I'm off, to do my greatest conquest ever!"
Vince: "You get him, Burger! You get him!"
Bullard: "Yeah!"
(other members start clapping and cheering Michael on as he starts his walk, clutching his title closely. Vince goes along with his champ, bringing Kroger and MacGuffin as bodyguards)
(meanwhile, outside the commish's office, the cops, the Jamaican singers, the Whammy, the hosts under arrest, Peter Marshall, Bob Eubanks, Monty Hall, the returning Richard, and several event staff are milling about talking quietly)
Cop: "Spread them!"
Sajak: "Excuse me?"
(cop hits him with nightstick)
(Jamaicans open their mouths; Whammy gives them evil stare)
Peter: "How long is it?"
Monty: "Shouldn't be long, shouldn't be long
(the door busts open)
Bob: "Oh, crap! It's time!"
(Jamaicans gang up on Whammy and start playing appropriate music. The people in the hall move away from the office as Gene walks out and down the hallway, with Brett in tow. Dawson follows)
Peter: (shouting) "Don't do anything stupid!"
Monty: "We're all rooting for ya!"
Bob: "Can I have your gig after this?"
(Monty punches Bob and the cops go wild again. CNR comes out of----the office, and excepting the Jamaicans, there's relative silence)
Peter: "In the office, you guys! We can watch from there!"
CNR: "Just don't touch the rug! Or you're all gonna die!"
(Peter starts laughing hysterically as he, the cops, the Jamaicans and everyone else go into the office. The commish hurries down the corridor to catch up with the rest of the MG '7X posse."
(Smackdown music plays, cut to announce table, where they have the look on their face, as does half the crowd behind them."
JR: "OH MY GOD! THE STAGE HAS BEEN SET FOR THE BIGGEST EVENT IN GSWF HISTORY!"
Bill: "Settle down! Settle down!"
Jerry: "AGGGH! IT'S UPON US! IT'S UPON US!"
JR: "Coming up next! Rayburn! Burger! The title on the line! ARMAGEDDON IS HERE!"
(Bill smacks JR with his chair as we fade out)
...and so ends Part Two. The conclusion will be The Armageddon Match, in all its blanking glory.
*=unfortunately, this match, along with some others, never aired. Well, that's going to be corrected in November...the return of the GSWF will begin with "The Lost Episode." Stay Tuned!!!!
posted by Blankety @ 3:49 PM
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