Now with 50% more fail!


Sunday, October 23, 2005

GSWF Retro: The Smackdown Plus Main Event!!

Seriously, I don't know what I was on when I typed this. This is insanely messed up and of course I hope you guys enjoy it.

(fade in on Marquesas Island)
Announcer: "Have you always wanted to experience what life on 'Survivor' is really like? Hell, do you got the money? Then sign up for the Mark Burnett Survivor Tour! Enjoy stays in such exotic locales as Pulau Tiga and Nuku Hiva! Enjoy the bloomin' fun down under in the Australian Outback! Learn tribal rituals and more in the African savannah! Join your experienced tour guides, including Richard Hatch, Michael the Pig Hunting Guy who Caught on Fire, Big Tom the Goat Farmer, Jerri the Aussie (bleep!), Susan Hawk and Kelly Wiglesworth, and more! Packages start at $299 for a weekend stay, and ask about our 39-day special! So pick up your phone and call 1-800-SURVIVOR and book your dream trip of a lifetime!"
(fade out, then roll some useless crap ads)

(commercials end, then we see the gang in the commish's office, joined by Allen Ludden, Jim Perry, Paul Lynde, and the broads from the match that got scratched)
Monty: "How long is it?"
Peter: "Any time now! Come here, ladies!"
Allen: "I beg your pardon! (pointing to Betty White) She's mine!"

(cut to what's left of the snack bar, where people are tossing out cans and bags of junk food for the match. We see guys including Combs, Karn, Jay Stewart, Charlie O'Donnell, Johnny Olsen, Jeff Probst, Wink Martindale, Alex Trebek, Garry Moore, Holly and Janice, Lacey and Susanna, Carol on crutches, Chuckie Baby, Gene the Stagehand, Peter Tomarken, Todd Newton, an assortment of Whammies, Rip Taylor, and many other people gathered by the set watching the Smackdown Plus ring)

(a hush has descended upon the Bob Barker Studio as fans await the arrival of the building crew who spent much of the show constructing the cage for the main event. We cut to the announce table, where the three commentators are silent and looking at the entryway of the arena)
JR: "Friends, we are moments away from what could be the most heinous slobberknocker in GSWF history. Right now, we are advising the younger viewers to please tune to something else, and we ask that our fans take strong discretion should they choose to view this match."
Bill: "In my years as a wrestler and now as an announcer, I don't think I ever saw anything as scary and thought provoking as that first Armageddon match. I wish we had footage of this, just to show you how brutal this is."
Jerry: "It was a tale told to all these generations of employees, wrestlers, and especially fans. There's probably grandparents telling their grandkids about watching Dennis James and Bert Parks practically end their careers in this fight. That's how sadistic this is."
JR: "Friends, let me tell you that after tonight, the GSWF will never, ever be the same again."

(loud noise as camera pans to the workers bringing in their handiwork. Crowd begins oohing at the results. The workers reach the ring and start assembling their finished product as the head constructor hands Johnny Gilbert a sheet of paper. We see Sheryl wheel in a large assortment of basic WWF hardcore equipment, as well as stuff apparently swiped from several studios.)

(cut to the backstage areas, where everybody watches in astonishment)

JR: "We are seeing for the first time, the completed product for our main event. Let's listen to our announcer."
Johnny, who looks shaken: "Fans, behold the scenery for the Armageddon Match! (loud noises from the crowd) The cage is a cross between the WWF steel cage and the 'Celebrity Deathmatch Dome of Devastation'."
Bill: "Oh my God."
Johnny: "The cage is made of reinforced steel, guaranteed to bust anybody wide open if the impact is right. The contenders can get out through that opening in the roof, but we strongly warn against doing that. As seen in the ring, there are a ton of weapons, everything from stop signs to fire extinguishers, tables to ladders, the Hunter Hearst Helmsley brand sledgehammer, steel chairs, thumb tacks, cue cards, microphones, hell, even a camera. And a separate cameraman. (cut to Cameraman, in the cage) And to ensure maximum carnage, there's a special electronic door system, which seals once the combatants and referee are in the ring, and it will not open until one combatant is incapacitated. We have a person in the back armed with the command for the door sealing, and once the match ends, that person will be informed to enter the code to unseal."
JR: "I'll be damned."
Bill: "This is bigger and badder than ever. My God."
Jerry: "I'm stupefied!"
(the workers finish and leave the area after double checking to make sure everything is perfect. Crowd goes ballistic, realizing that they're going to get their money's worth within minutes)
JR: "Well, in the words of the immortal song, the end is here."

(Johnny hands the head constructor the sheet back and grabs his mic)
Johnny: "Ladies and Gentlemen! Our main event for this evening is the Armageddon Match, and it is for the GSWF Undisputed Championship!"
(crowd roars)
(MG '98 music plays, crowd starts jeering very loudly)
Bill: "And here we go! Jerry, let go!"
(Michael, Vince, Gary and Amy stand in the entryway)
Johnny: "First, being accompanied to the ring by Vince McMahon, Gary Kroger and Amy MacGuffin, the GSWF Undisputed Champion, the host of Match Game '98, Michael Burger!"
(crowd continues booing. The GSNWO members stand by as Michael enters the cage, gets in the ring, and starts showing off)

JR: "The arena is electrified now, one challenger is now ringside, this place is gonna have the roof blown off, right about----now!"
(MG '7X music plays, crowd just loses it. Jerry falls out of his chair clutching his ears)
Bill: "JR, tell me I'm just dreaming! Tell me I'm just dreaming!"
(Gene and Co. arrive at the entryway)
Johnny: "And his challenger, being accompanied to the ring by Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly and Richard Dawson....the host of the first three incarnations of Match Game, Geeeeene Rayburn!"
Crowd: (chanting loudly) "BLANK! BLANK! BLANK! BLANK!"
JR: "The place is off its feet now for the challenger."
Bill: "Dammit Jerry, get up! I can't stand up with you grabbing onto my leg like that!"
(crowd continues chanting as the old school MG posse head down the aisle and to the cage. Richard shakes Gene's hand as the latter walks in)
JR: "We've met the combatants, but who the hell's reffing this?"
Johnny: (gets the crowd to settle down) "Ladies and gentlemen, we needed a special guest referee for this match, since the GSWF staff of referees refused to sign up for this match. After looking through an extensive list of possible people, we needed one person who was expendable--no, wait, one willing to take the risks of a possible bump from one competitor. (Gene gives an innocent smile as Johnny says this) So, without further ado, introducing our special guest referee, someone who'd rather grease for peace---JON BAUMAN!"

(Bowzer, in a ref outift, but of course with a leather jacket, comes down the ring. The place is hushed, and several people try hard not to die laughing.)
JR: "Friends, I have no comment!"
(Bowzer steps in cage and asks Michael for the belt. After doing the ref title pose, he hands the belt to Johnny. All the while, Gene stands there with that look on his face. You know the look.)
JR: "Friends, I hate to tell you this, but we have to split for commercials, but they'll be quick, and nothing will happen during the break. Stay tuned! The Armageddon Match is NEXT!!"
(fade out)

(fade back in on arena, crowd buzzes with excitement.)
JR: "Welcome back to the program, where we're just seconds away from the Armageddon Match. The combatants are ready, and the ref has signaled for the door to shut."

(Head constructor gives the command to seal the door. Bowzer's next act is to order the group outside the cage to go backstage to prevent any interference or possible screwjob. Vince drags Amy and Gary back, and CNR hesitatingly grabs Brett and motions Richard to follow him. Once all that's settled...)
Bill: "It's just seconds from now!"
Jerry: "Agggh! I think I blanked in my pants!"

(Bowzer signals for the bell to ring. The timekeeper does so. Crowd goes berserk)JR: "And the main event is underway! And already the fighters are at it, trading punches! Should be interesting seeing who first takes advantage of the arsenal of weapons."
Bill: "Not only who, but what?"
(after trading punches for some time, Michael decides to get hardcore and picks up a trashcan.)
JR: "Well, he's got the trashcan---"
(Gene grabs a steel chair)
JR: "And (loud thwack in cage as chair meets can, sending both hosts stumbling backwards) OH MY! Both fighters strike their first blow!"
Bill: "Damn! That was one helluva sound!"
Jerry: "What was the first move in the Parks/James one?"
JR: "I've heard so many different combos, but I think the fire extinguisher/stop sign move was it."
(more punches exchanged; Michael then picks up the Stop Sign of Doom and clubs Gene with it)
Bill: "Now, friends, remember that for the most part, it's illegal to tear down stop signs to use for stuff like this. If you wanna blow five hundred bucks and go to jail, then that's your problem. But apparently even though those babies are thin, they're pretty potent weapons."

(Michael tosses sign aside and looks for something else, and proceeds to violate Wrestling Rule Number 468: never turn your back on a downed opponent, especially if he's just grabbed a fire extinguisher. Burger turns around and gets hosed bit time. He thrashes around in pain as Gene gets El Chairo again and beats Michael silly. Cheers from crowd)
JR: "That chair's pretty potent too, Bill. Wonder how long it'll be till it gets bent out of shape?"
(after repeated use of the chair, Gene goes for----the CAMERA! Crowd goes wild. Cameraman starts panicking. Michael gets up and eats camera lens. The clever little techno folks in the trailer decide to cut to the view from the camera as we see Michael, then black, then Michael, then black. Cameraman is cowering in one corner. Michael decides he's had enough, picks up a two by four, and whacks Gene in the stomach)
JR: "Yeow!"
Jerry: "The old two by four trick!"
(Gene doubles over. Michael goes on the offensive but chooses not to use any weapons. Cameraman, thinking the worst is done, gets up---but fate in the universe goes wild as he just happens to collide with Bowzer. The camera knocks Bowzer out)
JR: "And the ref is out! Good Lord! A bump with the cameraman!"
Cameraman: "Somebody! Get me outta hyah!"
(Michael picks up the hysterical cameraman and does what any other person would do in this situation; launches the guy like a shot put. Cameraman collides with Gene, but in the wacky universe of wrestling, the cameraman's the only one knocked out. Classic shiz.)
JR: "The scene's changed! Both the ref and cameraman are out, which means right now it's no holds barred in there!"
Bill: "JR, just shut up! Even if the ref was up it's still no holds barred."
(Michael curses once he realizes he could have used the cameraman more. He looks at the one wall of the cage. He drags his opponent over, and---you guessed it---it's blading time. Several fans start puking at the sight of it. Michael continues the beatdown until he gets a sensationally painful feeling in his blank. He falls over, screaming like a girl. Gene stands up, wipes some blood off, and tosses aside the HHH sledgehammer. Crowd continues cheering and alternately puking.)
Jerry: "Sledgehammer! Aggh!"
JR: "Friends! Friends! We've been told we need to break to commercials. We swear that this will be quick, and we will show you what happened over the break! STAY TUNED!"
(fade out)

(cut back in on action. Michael's still clutching his, uh, you know)
JR: "Welcome back, friends! For those of you who sat through the commercials, don't worry, you didn't miss nothing!"
Bill: "It's been pretty much quiet in there for a few minutes, but since we're back on, it's time to get violent again!"
(Michael slooowly gets up. Gene charges with El Sledgehammero, but Michael does the old legsweep trick. Sledgehammer goes flying. Michael picks up the already abused chair and lays a vicious blow.)
JR: "That chair seems to be the favorite weapon of choice. No, wait. Burger just saw that it got dented big time with that last chair shot, so that's pretty much useless. He's looking for the sledgehammer now."
(Michael paces the cage, looking for the HHH Sledgehammer. He's just about ready to resume his search when a ladder connects with his skull. He goes flying into the one side of the cage and blades on impact. More fans vomit. The announcers try to shield themselves from the puke blast.)
Bill: "The famed Ladder of Death, used in many a title match. But what the hell's Gene doing now? He's setting it up right there in the middle! OK, it's set, but he's dragging Michael with him---I think they're going to go through that opening at the top there!"

(more punches, but finally the two are at the top of the cage. More punches. Fans stand up and start going wild. Michael stiff kicks Gene. Fans go berserk as Rayburn flies off the top of the cage and lands on the Spanish Announcers' Table. C'mon, isn't the Spanish Announcers' Table required for these types of matches?)JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "GOD DAMN!"
Jerry: "AGGGHHHH!"
(Michael thumps his chest and points at the emcee on the table. All of a sudden, he gets this look on his face. Slowly, he walks to the edge. The Spanish Announcers run for cover. All of a sudden...)
Bill: "I'm getting outta here!"
Bill: "On second thought, I'm staying!"
(Michael pulls a Shane McMahon and does an elbow drop off the cage. He connects, sending himself and Gene straight through the table. Wood flies. Crowd goes nuts.)
Crowd: (chanting) "HOLY (cuckoo)! HOLY (cuckoo)! HOLY (cuckoo)!"

(backstage, jaws are dropping everywhere. Brett passes out. Cut back to the announce table, and JR, Jerry, and Bill are on their feet, looking at the remains of the Spanish Announcers' Table. Both hosts are on the floor, writhing in pain, but nowhere near conceding their shot at the belt. The event staff are trying to keep fans back. We see one technician signaling for an ad break. Fade out, of course.)

GSN Announcer: "Up next, ten hours of The Newlywed Game! Sucks to be you!"

(fade in on ad)
WWF Announcer: "And now the Smack of the Night, brought to you by Spiegel!"
(cut to clip of ding dong ditch incident)
(Monty stands up)
Bob: "What the HELL?"
Monty: "I'll trade for what's behind the door!"
Bob: "You bas(cuckoo!)"
(starts fighting Monty. Lacey throws a towel around herself and slams the door while Monty and Bob continue fighting)
Tom: "Dammit, and I didn't get to knock!"
(cut back to ad)
Announcer: "That was the Spiegel Smack of the Night!"

(cut back on arena, where nothing much has changed since the break)
JR: "And we're back with the Armageddon Match, and right now not much has changed. That's not much of a surprise, considering how both our fighters got outside of the ring (the replay of the demolition of the Spanish Announcers' Table is shown). No, wait, I see some movement now."
Bill: "Who?"
JR: "I can't tell, there's a large piece of plywood in my way."

(Michael slowly gets up and drags Gene with him. More stupidity as he suddenly climbs the cage with the fellow emcee in tow. Fans are throwing crap at each other since there's not much action going on. Jerry gets hit in the head with a beer bottle and he goes back there and starts beating up the drunken louse that tossed it. A GSWF security guy pulls Jerry apart and drags him back to the announce position. Bill starts laughing.)
Jerry: "Shut up! AGGH!"
JR: "Well, the two are back in the cage, so for the most part, the match is going to resume."
(Michael spits out some blood. He grabs an old-school mic and starts choking Gene with the cord. Of course this was an obviously stupid manever, because if you start choking a person, they're liable to throw their arms out and punch you in the face. Bing! Michael falls over after getting a fist to the eye.)
JR: "Very good reversal on that chokehold."
Jerry: "Experience, JR! Experience!"
Bill: "That's easy for you to say. You do the same thing at the Super 8."
Jerry: "Shut up, dammit!"
(Bill lets loose his famed laugh again)
JR: "Now, boys! Settle the hell down! And there's a fancy little DDT!"
(fans stop fighting each other long enough to look and start cheering)
Bill: "So the match ain't all hardcore. That was a very good move on Rayburn's part, the vibration of that mat just caused the ref to stir."
JR: "I never even thought about that, Bill. Makes a lot of damn sense, though, especially since the ref plays such a role in this match."
Bill: "The cameraman's still out, though."
(Michael gets up from that DDT, swipes the ladder, and makes Gene eat metal. Fans roar at the carnage. Cameraman's still out. Bowzer, though, is beginning to move around on the mat.)
JR: "That ladder's still being used! Damn, there's a lot of other stuff you can use!"
(Michael's about to swing the ladder again when Bowzer out of nowhere pops up and accidentally knocks some powder in his face. Burger staggers back trying to wipe his eyes, and trips over the cameraman, who's still out. Meanwhile, Gene's still on the mat, but not out yet.)
JR: "And both wrestlers down again, but right now it's still anybody's match!"
Bill: "No, wait, Michael got up. But he can't win until Gene's out completely, and vice versa."

(fans are getting pissed again and start throwing crap at each other. One fan launches another empty beer bottle, but it's deflected off one fan's LYNDE IS GOD sign and travels several feet in the air. It lands--straight through the cage opening and coshes Michael in the head. He staggers back again and gets tangled in the ladder. The bottle then hits the still unconscious cameraman. The fan that threw the beer bottle starts thumping his chest and his drunken buddies start mobbing him like maniacs and end up taking out several spectators. Event staff swarm the scene with their stun guns and start taking names.

Meanwhile, back in the cage, pretty much everything remains the same. Bowzer looks at both fighters, and seeing they're still coherent, can't call the fight. Michael curses as he tries to get out of the ladder. Gene slowly picks himself up off the mat, and cringes at the fact he's busted wide open. Seeing Michael is having his little ladder problem, the emcee looks around for a decent weapon. Seeing as pretty much everything's been exhausted, he realizes he's pretty much BOL...a blank outta luck. Just then, he looks down and sees a familiar looking blue card which apparently flew out of the can.)

JR: "Well, both men are up, and Burger's just got himself out of the ladder. And he's setting up a table that hasn't been used yet, and---"
Bill: "Right now, I have no damn clue who the hell's going to win. We have one guy oblivious to the fact his opponent's up, but on the other hand, the guy's barely in it."
(Michael finishes setting up the table. Just then, the cameraman rolls over and knocks the table down. Michael swears and goes to set it up again. Gene staggers over to the other host, blue card in hand.)
JR: "And what's that Gene's holding?"
Bill: "If I know my props right, that's a Match Game blue card! I completely forgot about that! But it's kind of useless to use, considering it's a very destroyable object."
Gene: "Eat paper, Burger!"
(Michael looks up, sees the card and starts laughing.)
Michael: "Yeah, right! Nell Carter's water bottle would be more effective than that piece of crap!"
(Gene continues his advance, but all of a sudden trips over the cameraman. The cameraman gets a foot to the stomach, which revives him. He screams, gets up, and knocks Gene right into Michael. Gene still has the blue card clutched in his hand; he sends Michael staggering. Fans start roaring because now it's a match.)JR: "Well, Burger's not going down without a fight."

Michael: "C'mon! Bring it on, old man!"
Gene: (having enough of this) "Oh, shut the blank up!"
(he punches Michael in the face...unknowingly using his fist currently clutching the card. Michael screams and feels the wicked paper cut on his face.)
Michael: "You sonofablank! You cut me really----"
(Burger collapses to the mat, unconscious from the intense pain. He takes out the cameraman in the process.)
JR: "What the hell was that?"
Bill: "You know what? I think he just gave him a paper cut! Remember the Shogun Incident?"
Jerry: "I remember! I remember!"

(A silence falls on the arena as the fans stop fighting again and look at what happened. Backstage, jaws are dropping as the other wrestlers see what just happened)
Peter: "What was--"
Monty: "I'll be damned! I'll be damned!"
(the commish, Brett and Richard are stunned. The GSNWO are stunned as well.)Vince: (angrily) "DAMMIT! DAMMIT! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?"
(the other members attempt to calm him down)
JR: "Something tells me that....hell, I don't know!"
Bill: "Me neither!"

(back in the cage, Michael lays unconscious. The cameraman, still barely coherent, looks around and sees one person down, and two others standing)Cameraman: "Hoowee, I knew I was going to go out in glory!"
(Gene looks at Michael, then looks at his fist. He drops the card and looks at Bowzer)
Jerry: "Aggh! What's happening?"
(Bowzer takes one look at the bloodshed and remains of weapons, then at Gene, then Michael. He looks at the timekeeper....and signals for the bell.)

Bill: "He's called for the bell! What does that mean?"
(Ira rings the bell. Stunned silence still permeates the arena. All of a sudden, the fan with the LYNDE IS GOD sign speaks up.)
Fan: "Holy (cuckoo)! He won!"
(the fans take a few seconds to process that. They continue that process when Johnny grabs the mic and the door opens)

Johnny: "The winner of this match, and NEW GSWF Undisputed Champion, Gene Rayburn!"
(Bowzer raises the host's hand)
(Crowd is still silent. Then they put two and two together and start going nuts, throwing crap, beating each other up, and screaming like crazies)
Crowd: (chanting very loudly) "BLANK! BLANK! BLANK! BLANK! BLANK!"
(Brett storms the cage and gives Gene a big hug. Crowd continues flipping out. Cameraman finally gets it all together and stands up and films the aftermath)

JR: "What a night! What a night! We have a new champion! Oh my God, I'm in shock!"
Jerry: "And this is a major blow to the GSNWO! Vince can't be happy!"
(cut to Vince in back cursing and knocking over furniture in his office.)

(in the remains of the snack bar, the hosts and models are celebrating by throwing food and beverages at each other. In the commish's office, Peter, Jim, Monty, Tom and Bob are high fiving and alternately beating up the Whammy. The Jamaicans and the cops are singing a rather coarse Australian song. Charles and Richard are nowhere to be seen.)

(Cut back to arena, where Gene and Brett walk out. We see the commish and Richard are there already, belt in hand. The fans, Bowzer, the announcers, and Cameraman watch as Richard hands the belt to Gene. Cheers turn to roars the moment Gene raises the belt in triumph)
JR: "What a night! Oh my God, what a night!"
Bill: "Damn straight Jimbo!"
Jerry: "You're telling me!"
JR: "We told you this was going to be a match for the ages, and it was! Gene Rayburn, your new GSWF champion! Friends, we're outta time, we'll see you next time on GSN RAW!!"

(Cut to fans rioting and getting tasered by cops as we fade out)

Copyright 2002
Blanketyblank Productions in association with Mountain Dew and Keebler Cookies
All Rights Reserved

...I told you guys this was messed up.

OK...Originally, a new GSWF RAW was to air next, but other commitments came up. "The Lost Episode" premieres in November.

The third GSWF story starts Monday, which resolves a plot from "The Lost Episode." If you love King of the Ring style tourneys, you'll enjoy this one.


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