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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Vox Blankuli, Part Whatever the Hell It Was Last Time

Yeah, I should've gotten my ass over here sooner to post random thingies, but shit happened quite often. When all else fails, it's time for VOX BLANKULI!!

First fucking snowed most of the week. Well, just Monday, but we almost had two fucking feet of snow. TWO FUCKING FEET!! We must have been spoiled this winter with the 40-degree temps in January so when it does snow, we're automatically pissing and moaning.

Compared to the tornadoes that caused disaster in Missouri and that, I should stop bitching.

Come to think of it, there was one of those joke paper thingies that you'd make copies of and pass to your co-workers and friends, with a mock journal entry of a person that moved to Wisconsin. It all appears to be sunshine and shit, but wait until it snows....and snows...and snows. I'm gonna have to find that, 'cause that was funny as hell. I remember having a copy tucked into my copy of Poems Lewd and Lusty back in the mid-'90s. That would've made me about a fifth grader, but back then I enjoyed reading poems about sex, bodily functions, filthy parodies, and the infamous poem about the man blinded by turds. I should be lucky I didn't take that to school.

Of course, most of you know I went to a Catholic school. Yep, that would've been perfectly appropriate. Ow, my cheek hurts. Of course, that didn't stop us from being reckless bastards. Recess brings back fond memories of the junior high kids smashing home runs onto the church roof (maybe that's why it needed to be replaced years later), nonstop rounds of King of the Mountain (nothing like wintertime violence), and the secret circles where kids told each other profane jokes. I learned most of my Polish and Chinese jokes at parochial school.

Yeah, that's the private school system. Get your vouchers, bitches, and learn shit on the playground!!

Yeah....BLANK THIS!!!

Maybe I can chalk up the ranting so far to MARCH MADNESS. Well, either that or Blame Bush.

It'll be a miracle if I'm not basketballed out by Monday. College hoops, WIAA Boys Hoops, the Miami HEEEEEEEEEEET! (yeah, we dig Shaq up here), hell, even the Bucks are doing decent. So let's see, about five hundred hours of hoops, subtract about a hundred for Letterman, NASCAR, South Park and Whose Line? and I think my weekend's set.

Oh yeah, knock off a few since I'm getting a new prescription. Not only will I read shit better, I may actually write better stuff than this.


Tomorrow's one of the biggest drinking days of the year...St. Patrick's Day. Nothing says marking the celebration of the man who drove snakes from Ireland by getting wasted on colored beer (doesn't Miller Lite have an ad about this?).

My siblings already have their night planned....get wasted (well, maybe not Turd Boy), then do the Irish Drinking Song. Eat that, FCC....improv can be educational, otherwise you wouldn't have Czechwegians singing Irish Drinking Song.

Oh yeah...if you get drunk, for the love of God let somebody sober drive.


Who are the Ad Wizards that came up with:

  • "Un-pimping" one's ride...with a shitty Volkswagen. Shit, if MTV pimped my Saturn, I wouldn't trade for a VW...unless it was a Dew-addled slugbug.
  • What the hell is the Order of the Serpentine? Is that the new Scientology? COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, TOM CRUISE!
  • MDX....animals singing Lionel Richie kinda freak me out
  • As I've said before, I don't think Jim Henson imagined Kermit and the gang being commercial whores. Cars and pizza? I can't wait for the Bunsen Honeydew/Beaker promotional ad for Brokeback Mountain.
  • Why are all the shitty ads aired constantly while ones I really like rarely air?
  • The movies that appear to feature gruesome fucking violence, yet end up with PG-13 ratings. C'mon!!!
  • Those Sierra Mist ads.
  • Pretty much every cell phone, internet provider, or computer shit ad.
  • Girls Gone close to the Apocalypse as you can get. I swear I saw an ad for Guys Gone God.

I wish I had TiVO.


Isaac Hayes quit SP because they ripped Scientology a new one. Chef's a Scientologist. Isaac cited intolerance. Matt Stone called bullshit, saying he never had a problem with any other episode mocking some group.

I agree with Matt. Look at who they've mocked in nine seasons: Catholics, Jews, Scientologists, cults, Democrats, Republicans, atheists, Special Olympians, the AARP, gays, straights, males, females, and Canadians. Especially Canadians....see the movie.

You know, that's kinda weird. The Canadians invaded Colorado pretty damn fast. They must've invaded the Northwest, Montana and Idaho. So according to Matt and Trey, the Upper Midwest is the last line of defense. Shit!

Speaking of, I hope they have "Not Without My Anus" on this year....that's the infamous April Fools' Episode where Terrance and Phillip must save Canada from Saddam Hussein. Heh...Scott....Ugly Bob...Celine Dion.....the CFL game between the Roughriders and the Roughriders. This may be my all-time favorite ep not featuring the four boys as the principals.

Before this turns into nothing but swearing and fart jokes, Vox Blankuli stops for now. Tomorrow, more ranting, and the Cuss Box update. I think I may have matched last week's total in this post alone.


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