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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

GSWF Retro: The Conclusion of the First Round!!!

Yep, here go with more of the first round of the GSWF Title Tournament of Doom. Who advances to the quarterfinals? Watch and see, peeps!!

(commercials end, fade in on arena)

Johnny: "Paul Lynde, come on down!
("Bob and Merrill's Theme" plays as Paul walks down the aisle)

"Alex Trebek, come on down! You are the next two contestants in the GSWF Title Tournament!
('84 Jeopardy! theme plays, crowd boos and chants unpleasantries as Alex walks)

"And our guest referee is the GSWF Intercontinental Champion! Give it up for Allen Ludden!"
("Password" theme plays, crowd chants "Hi Doll!" as Allen enters ring)

Allen: "OK, you two ready? OK, lower the Wheel! Ready, Paul?"
Paul: "I've been excited for bigger things than this!" (laughs)
(Allen rolls his eyes as Paul spins the Wheel.)
Allen: "And it's landed on.....oh my, it's my match! The BASHWORD Match! (crowd cheers) But, not only that, you landed on a gold star. That means it's more than BASHWORD...."
Audience: "It's BASHWORD PLUS!!!"
(deafening roar as P+ theme plays and ring converts into the set)

Bill: "Screw the next match, I'm interested in this one!"
Allen: "We're going to find two players to play along with this, so while we do that, we'll do this business with our viewers!"
(fade out)

(ads end, fade in on arena, which looks exactly like the set of P+. Allen is still in the ref outfit though)
Allen: "Welcome back to Bashword Plus! As you can see here, our players are Alex Trebek and Paul Lynde. Now let's meet your celebrity partners! Paul, your partner can tell the difference if you can trust or deceive. Please welcome Kennedy! And Alex, your partner knows quite a bit about hard questions too. Please welcome the host of Russian Roulette, Mark Walberg!"
(crowd starts chanting "Foe!")

Allen: "Alright, now I'll explain the rules. Bashword Plus is nothing like the show. You get one Bashword Puzzle with six instead of five words, and the team that solves it wins. Is there Alphellbetics? I'm not sure if we'll have time, but as I said, hopefully it's a short match. OK, I'll give Alex and Paul the word and we'll show it on the screen."
Johnny O., in hushed voice: "The password is 'you.'" (ding!)
Allen: "And we'll start with Alex."
Alex: "Me." (Illegal clue buzzer plays)
Allen: "Apparently you're quite stupid when it comes to playing Bashword! That was a blatant opposite here. Paul, you get the option to guess the word or to beat the crap out of-----"
(Paul goes at Trebek, engaging in of all things, a catfight. The two go at it around the ring. Allen just stands there.)
Kennedy: "This is boring. You wanna leave, Mark?" (ding ding ding!)
Allen: "Nice job, Kennedy, you guessed the word. We'll put it up on the board. Care to take a guess?"
Kennedy: "Oh, it's gotta be us!"
Allen: "Is it Kennedy and Mark?" (bell dings, P+ win music plays)
Kennedy: "So, can we go now?"
Allen: "The puzzle was GSN Originals Hosts. What were the words...YOU CAN'T COMPARE TO TODD AND CHUCK. That's seven words, you fools! Anyways, Kennedy, congratulations on sending Paul Lynde to the second round of the tournament! (HsQ win cue from 70s plays) We'll convert back to the arena after these ads."
(Alex and Paul continue fighting as we fade out)

(fade in on ad)
"Here at the GSWF, we pride ourselves on our athletes and the fine work they put in themselves! We also pride ourselves on good quality programming. No men having sex with dummies, no morons who won't sell anything, and we give all wrestlers a fair push! What happens after that is all part of the game! The GSWF, quality, for like ages!"

(fade in on arena, back to normal. During the break, security took Alex and Paul backstage)
Johnny O.: "I've Got a Secret....our next match is one you've all been waiting for! Garry Moore, Henry Morgan, both of you COME ON DOWN!
("Plink, Plank, Plunk" plays as the two enter in opposite ways. Garry comes out of the entranceway, escorted by Betsy Palmer. Henry goes through the crowd, escorted by Bess Myerson. Fans chant for puppies throughout.)
Both of you, we have a very special guest referee, but only after Garry spins the Wheel."

(Garry spins, fans chant "Hot Potato!". The wheel goes around, and lands on.....)
Crowd: "HOLY (CUCKOO!!"
Johnny O.: "Eeeek! It's a Chainsaw Match!"
JR: "Whaaat!"
Jerry: "Isn't this the banned GSWF match, the one we can't air?"
Bill: "It is, you know what that means."
Jerry: "The long GSN bumper telling us how we can write them?"
JR: "Hell no! We're going to show you a treat from the archives! I have no clue what era of GSWF we're going to see, but we have to for the sake of the kids. Roll the match!"

(clip rolls. It's a black and white clip, apparently from the 50s or 60s. Cut in on the announcer, Bud Collyer, and his partner Jan Murray)
Bud: "Welcome back to our little wrestling show. In a moment, we'll be seeing two lovely ladies go at it in the ring."
Jan: "Arlene Francis versus Kitty Carlisle...sounds too good to be true."
Announcer: "Our next match is the 'Evening Gown Match.' Please welcome our two female combatants!"
(Arlene and Kitty enter)
Referee, who looks an awful lot like Henry Morgan: "You two are probably not familiar with the stipulations for this little hoo-hah. The main goal is to tear off each other's gowns. First gal to strip the other wins."
(signals bell)
(all the men are silent as the women go at it. Kitty somehow knocks Arlene's pendant off in the process.)

Arlene: "You wench! My husband gave that to me!"
Martin Gabel, in audience: "Kick her derriere!"
(Arlene unleashes fists of fury, rendering Kitty helpless. Arlene finishes her off with the Francis-Steiner. She then rips off Miss Carlisle's gown. Henry stands there googly-eyed, as do the rest of the men)
Bud: "Uh..Oh! Miss Arlene Francis goes on an onslaught which results in her victory tonight. Jan, snap out of it, we're back on! Jan! JAN! Excuse me for a moment, let's go to an ad for Stopette."
(Bud clocks Jan with a chair as the Stopette ad begins. Fade out of clip, back to present day RAW)

(we hear a siren in the background)
JR: "Welcome back. We hoped you enjoyed our clip from the vaults. What we can tell you from this point, is that either Bill Rafferty or Jeff Probst will be in the third round automatically. Bill Cullen has also left the scene for a moment to help clean off the ladies. We'll get the ring sanitized, but BY GOD, it's man versus woman, Match Game versus Inquizition! NEXT!"

(fade out)

(fade back in on drunken crowd, realizing it's almost time for an intermission so they can buy more beer. They begin to act pissed, but we hear the MG '7X theme out of nowhere. Realizing more wrestling is about to happen, they stand up and spill what beer they have left)
Johnny: "Phew! It smells like booze----oh, and now the final match of the A bracket! Speaking of matches, here comes the first of our final two A bracket wrestlers. The star of Match Game, Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(whatever beer wasn't spilled before now is as the drunken crowd pumps their fists and chants "We want Charles, dammit!" as the blank master enters the ring)JR: "Gene once again getting a popular response from the fans."
Johnny: "And his opponent, feel her---uh, Inquizitors, Amy MacGuffin!"
(Amy hurriedly gets in and tries to start the match, but somehow Johnny uses that WML bouncer training)

Johnny: "And our special guest referee is someone who has a vested interest in game shows. Please welcome the host of "WHAT THE HELL IS IT?" and "WILL IT FLOAT," David Letterman!"
Paul Shaffer, in audience: "YEAH!"
(rest of CBS Orchestra cheers along with crowd as "Late Show" theme plays)David: "All righty, I did host a game show pilot, so shut up! Hey Biff, what do I do?"
Biff Henderson, at ringside: "Tell them to lower the wheel!"
Dave: "Yeah, lower the Wheel!Hee hee!!"
(Gimmick Wheel is lowered)
Jerry: "This is funny! The Star Wheel gets spun by its host!"
Dave: "Uh, what the hell do I do now?"
Biff: "Tell Gene to spin the damn thing!"
Dave: "Yeah, that's right! (to Gene) Spin this thing! Can we use it on 'WHAT THE HELL IS IT'?"
(Gene gives the old Star--uh, Gimmick Wheel, a spin. It goes around several times and begins to slow down)

Dave: "And it lands on......BLANK Pinata!"
JR: "What?"
Bill: "Oh, it's a Pinata match! You get something set up as a pinata, and the combatants try to be the first to break it."
Dave: "And what's our special Pinata tonight, Alan Kalter?"
Alan: "It's none other than DOCTOR PHIL!"
(Crowd cheers as America's Favorite TV Psychiatrist is lowered, tied to a string, bound)
Dave: "And Alan, what are we playing for tonight?“
Alan: “Dave, it’s a brand new MONKEY! (quick flash of a monkey picture as Paul and the orchestra play a flourish) BACK TO YOU, DAVE!“
Dave: “See, I told you one of these days they were gonna shut him down! IN MY PANTS! (rimshot) So what do we do now? Oh, give the two some pinata sticks, and the first guy to do something with it wins? Ready, ring the bell!"

(bell rings. Gene clocks Amy with the stick. Amy's knocked out, but rules stip that Dr. Phil has to be separated from the pinata string)

Dr. Phil: "I want to be Miss America!"
Gene: "Shut up, dingbat!" (hits Dr. Phil)
Dr. Phil: "I've had a vasectomy and I've had it reversed!"
Gene: "I told you to shut up, now shut up!" (strikes Dr. Phil again)
Dr. Phil: "Let's just spank her ass!"
Gene: "Shut up already!" (hits Dr. Phil again)
Dr. Phil: "You want a piece of me, lady?"
(this pisses Gene off. He sets loose a flurry of attacks on Dr. Phil. About five minutes later, Dr. Phil is a bloody pulp....and on the ring floor. David is too engrossed in the beatdown to signal the bell. Biff throws something at Dave to make him do it.)

Dave: "I told you they were gonna shut him down!"
Johnny: "The winner and final A advancer-----"
Paul: "YEAH!"
Audience and Johnny: "Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(Paul and the Orchestra play fanfare as the crowd starts heading for the exits.)JR: "Rayburn gives us the Top Ten Ways to Beat Up Dr. Phil. Damn, what a slobberknocker! But we've got one more first rounder, so we'll clean up Dr. Phil off the floor and get Rafferty/Probst to ya, next!"

(fade out, fade in on ads)

Announcer: "You've seen it on Late Show, now play it at home! The new home version of WILL IT FLOAT?"
("WIF?" theme plays throughout)
Boy: "It's a big rock." (ding!)
Girl: "I say it's gonna sink!"
(rock sinks in big tank)
Announcer: "Yes, the all new WILL IT FLOAT home game! We give you a big tank, and you supply the other materials! Anything you want! The main objective? Will the thing float?"
(cut to various scenes of kids putting various things in WIF? tank. Finally, the kids are seen tossing their dad in there)
Announcer: "WILL IT FLOAT? New from DAVE-O industries!"

(fade back in on arena. Obviosly GSWF wanted to hurry the hell up, so both Jeff Probst and Bill Rafferty are in the ring, and none other than the Master of the Hollywood Squares is in the ring. No, not Bowser, you fools.)

Peter: "OK, Bill, since you won the coin toss before the match, you get to spin the Wheel!"
(Bill gives the Wheel a good spin and lands on......Last Man Standing!)
Peter: "OK, since we gotta air some original show on in an hour or so, hurry up with this, OK?"
(bell rings, Rafferty gives Probst Sweet Chin Music. Probst is down, and all of a sudden we see past Survivors trying to enter the ring. However, the CBS Orchestra is still there and they get in a scuffle. SCM is too much for Jeff, and he fails to answer the count)
Peter: "Well, you made it quick! Bill Rafferty advances!"
JR: "And the second round has been set! The matches occur in the same order once again. A bracket match 1 features Vanna White and Richard Dawson! Monty Hall faces Michael Burger in B-1! A-2 sees Paul Lynde do battle with Gene Rayburn! (tries to keep straight face) and Bill Rafferty is granted an automatic pass to the third round! White/Dawson next!"
(fade out)

...this is kinda short, but wait till the quarterfinals start. The next installment features John Davidson playing Hans the Yodeling Cliffhanger, massive interference, and did I mention John Davidson as Hans? Stay tuned!!


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