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Friday, October 28, 2005

GSWF Retro: Tournament Main Event!!

Yeah, a few days late but here's the last segment of Retro. I've got some notes and crap after this, so keep your derriere in your chairiere. ;)

(fade in on arena, buzzing with excitement)
JR: "We're back, live! We're almost moments away from the biggest rematch of all time! How did we get to this point in time? (cue appropriate clips) It all started with the Sony ECM-51 on a Pole match pitting Wheel of Fortune's two big names against each other. Chuck Woolery and Pat Sajak duked it out for sometime until the Letter Turners exacted revenge years in the making. In the end, Vanna White surprised everyone by grabbing the mic first to advance to Round 2."
Bill: "In the next match, Louie Anderson faced off against Monty Hall in the dreaded Inferno Match. Louie had the advantage for much of the match until Richard Karn showed up to help Monty score the win."
Jerry: "Match 3---Ahhh! Capture the Chuck Barris Midget! Rip Taylor almost knocked off Richard Dawson, had it not been for Puppies! Puppies!"

JR: "Gretchen Dawson helped her hubby capture the midget to go up against Vanna in Round 2. After that, Michael Burger cheap-shotted Bob Eubanks to score the easy win in the Strap Match."
Jerry: "Then, it was more than Bashword....It's BASHWORD PLUS!! Allen Ludden served as ref as Alex Trebek and Paul Lynde attempted to solve the Bashword puzzle to move on. Due to some fluke, Paul went on! Ahhh!"
Bill: "And the match I looked forward to saw Garry Moore and Henry Morgan whale the crap out of each other in the Chainsaw Match. We just got the news that they'll be back in a matter of weeks. Either way, it granted the winner of B4 a bye."

JR: "The fans went berzerk during the next match; the people's host, Gene Rayburn, squared off against the Lady Inquizitor, aka Amy MacGuffin. In a treat for fans, game show fan David Letterman presided over the madness with the Dr. Philnata Match It was no contest as the people's host delivered, not only by beating Dr. Phil to a blanking pulp, but by advancing to face off against the Center Square."
Bill: "Bill Rafferty, the Unsung Emcee, took out Jeff Probst early in Last Man Standing, guaranteeing Bill a shot in the semifinals."

Jerry: "We got Vowels! Vowels! In the first quarterfinal, Cliffhangers! John Davidson got to play Hans, Brett Somers got pissed because someone stole her hotel keys, and Richard Dawson sent Vanna to Bonus Land....right into John. This set up a potential match between MG host and MG panelist! Agggh!"
Bill: "Round 2 was shortened a bit due to interferences on both sides. Pat Bullard locked Monty Hall in the locker room, causing Michael Burger to win by count-out. Not to be outdone, Commissioner CNR took out Paul Lynde with a vehicle, setting up MG Host/MG Panelist."

JR: "But were the fans treated to a slobberknocker---the SHOWCASE SMACKDOWN! Gene Rayburn and Richard Dawson beat the living hell out of each other using a bunch of standard TPiR crap. It could've gone either way, but Gene used the car to his advantage. Add to that an appearance by The Other Gene, He Who Dances, aka the then-Hardcore Champ, and we had something brewing. In the end, Match Game fans everywhere were satisfied as Richard won the Hardcore belt and Gene scored the double pin to make it to the finals."
Bill: "And his opponent? You guessed it, Michael Burger, thanks to the GSNWO in the Dumpster Match. Right now, the commish is planning on spinning the wheel himself to stop the shenanigans. Also, there's rumors of Match Game '98 panelists in the building. If they cross paths with the '7X gang, we're gonna have ourselves a wild time; and the belt may be in limbo for another week."
JR: "And it leads right up to this moment! Let's go to our ring announcer Johnny Olsen."

(cut to Johnny O. in ring)
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is to determine the new GSWF Champion. First, please welcome our special guest referee, from such shows as, well, Jeopardy! The Genial Gentleman himself, Mr. Art Fleming!"
(loud cheers as 60s Jeopardy "Think" music plays and chants of "(cuckoo) it, Trebek!" erupt. Art is in a two piece ref's uniform as he holds the GSWF title belt in his arms and enters ring)
JR: "That's a huge surprise! Art has not appeared in the GSWF since the 70s! A large show of support for the great."

Art: "Thank you, thank you! I don't think I would've gotten here without the support of one person in my life who kept encouraging me to return to some sort of position in the GSWF. That person was not George Vosburgh. (loud laughter) Anyway, Mr. Olsen, please introduce our contestants."
Johnny O.: "Will do! (MG '7X theme plays. Fans once again spill their beer in excitement, and others just stand around waving their giant foam blue cards)Our first challenger, the A Bracket Champion, all the way from Studio 33 via New York. The star of Match Game---"
Audience, along with Johnny: "Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(Gene enters, albeit with a slightly pained look on his face, mainly because of the match against Dawson. Fans still cheer, and one woman's brave enough to show off her, eh, dimples)
JR: "The People's Host, showing some effects from Showcase Smackdown, enters the ring, and gives the fans an acknowledgement. The fans are still bitter over the reversal in the first place, as well as those cheering for our next fighter."
Johnny O.: "And his challenger (NWO music plays, then fuses into MG '98 theme), from the GSNWO, the B Bracket Champion, Michael Burger!"
(mixed cheers as Michael hurriedly enters ring, showing no signs of injury. He attempts to get a bit closer to Gene, but Art stands his ground)

Art: "Mr. Rayburn, Mr. Burger. You two are going at this alone. No interference from the GSNWO, no interference from Dawson or Somers. (to Gene) And please keep your wife in the back. At this point I'd like to have the set technicians lower the Gimmick Wheel."
(wheel is lowered, fans chant "Armageddon!")
JR: "The fans have their pick, but let's see what gets brought up here."
Art: "Mr. Burger, you have been deemed the challenger, so I now ask you to spin the wheel."
(Michael scoffs as he gives Wheel spin. It goes around quite a few times)
JR: "It could be Hot Potato. The Jacket Match. Yes, even Armageddon."
Bill: "The wheel's slowing...."
Jerry: "I can't stand the suspense! Agggh!"
Art: "And it's landed on......HARD TEN! (crowd gasps) The rules, please, Mr. Olsen. (Johnny O. hands Art a piece of paper). The Hard Ten's rules are as follows; it's a hardcore, no disqualification match, with the exception of your stable. Points are scored for certain moves. A strong attack nets you a point. A pinfall will score you five points. But, your finisher and a pinfall combined will give you ten. The first opponent to score ten points will win the title. (holds up belt) But, we have some business to attend to. these commercials!"
(fade out, no ads please)

(fade in on GSN ad)
Announcer: "Blah blah blah, you know the drill! Newlyweds, Newlyweds, Newlyweds! Now shut the hell up!"

(fade in on arena. Art, after receiving a signal from the cameraman, calls for bell. Michael immediately sends Gene sprawling with a stiff kick in the stomach. Art calls for one tiny ding)
JR: "The Hard Ten match has now begun, but is now a 1-0 slobberknocker. Burger with the advantage, but is deciding to soften up Rayburn, rather than score all his points at once."
Jerry: "Now that's smart thinking!"
Bill: "Michael seems to have it mapped out--and there's a fireman's slam. 2-0, Burger."
JR: "I don't know, but right now my gut's saying the belt's gonna go back to that no-good sonofablank---"
Jerry: "Watch the mouth! Aggh!"

(Michael continues the weakening attack for sometime before taunting the crowd. He then powerbombs Gene. Art calls for third bell)
JR: "It ain't looking good for the people's host right now, I'll tell you that."
Bill: "Gene just can't get any offense in. Michael keeps knocking him down, he's got trouble trying to keep up."
(as Bill says this, the GSNWO slowly approach. MacGuffin immediately runs down to the ring to distract Art. The rest follow, and as Art isn't looking, interfere. Fans start booing. The GSNWO hurry back into the stands, and Michael gives Gene another powerbomb. Art scores four)

JR: "Now this just ain't fair! Art Fleming's being deceived by that Jezebel!"
Bill: "It seems that Michael has all the breaks in this! And Amy's back to distract him, Art's not looking though...Ugh! Another powerbomb! That's four. Michael has dug the grave, another strong move combined with the pinfall will do it."
(Michael sets up Gene for his finisher, the Burger King {the Fameasser}. Crowd starts booing and tossing beer bottles. Michael follows through)
JR: "And here he is, going for the pin. 1------2------"
(out of nowhere, Gene kicks out. Fans' jaws drop)
Bill: "OH MY GOD!"
Jerry: "Agggh!"
(Michael is stunned and starts bickering with Art. Amy once again shows up with the GSNWO in tow, and are about to start another beatdown, but..)

Bill: "Who's that! Someone's just ran into the ring, and superkicked Pat Bullard. It's----Allen Ludden! (loud cheers) And someone else's shown up to assist Allen. He just took out Gary Kroeger with the Double Overbid----BOB BARKER!"
(loud cheers)
JR: "The cavalry's arrived! Oh MY! And here comes Bert Convy! Is it just me or--?"
Jerry: "The Boyz are back in town! Agggggghhhh!"
JR: "The Boyz are back! The Goody-Toddy Boyz are back!"
Bill: "This has been the first time since the 70s that the Boyz have joined up to fight off another stable!"

(while Bert, Bob, and Allen assist in beating up the GSNWO, Michael and Amy scurry out of the ring near the back. They near the announcers' table to grab a ladder. Michael hurries back. Amy stands near the table taunting everyone, until Bill stands up, grabs his chair, and brains Amy with it. Crowd goes nuts)
Jerry: "Agggh! Not you too!"
JR: "It's not the Goody-Toddy Boyz without Bill Cullen! Now we can call it a reunion!"

(Bill heads towards the ring to give the other Boyz the assist. Michael is able to hit Gene with the ladder. Art scores another point. The Boyz, by this time, have taken the GSNWO out of the ring, leaving the two fighters and Art in the ring once again. Michael leaves the ring again and grabs a table)
JR: "And he's up 5 love, all he has to do is score some sort of pinfall. Right now, I think he's out for blood."
Michael: "That belt's MINE, Rayburn!"
Jerry: "Not before you pin him, dope!"
(Michael sets up table and drags Gene up with him. He attempts another Burger King, but Gene is able to knock Michael off, thanks to the G-T Boyz buying him time to get stronger)
JR: "And Gene's climbed down the ladder! What is he going to do?"
Jerry: "It's----the Old Man Periwinkle Suplex!"
(crowd goes nuts)
JR: "This is the weakest move in Gene's offense! He can't get any points, but he sure as hell can do as many as possible!"
Jerry: "The advantage is slowly turning in favor of the people's host!"
(Pat Bullard attempts to run in the ring, but the Goody-Toddy Boyz stop him. After a series of weak suplexes and an uppercut, Gene is able to execute a weak legdrop; not enough to score a point, but enough to make Michael really, really dizzy.)

JR: "And Gene's now adjusting his tie. The crowd knows what's going to happen next...."
Jerry: "He's going to ask if Michael wants A or B?"
JR: "No, you (cuckoo!) idiot!"
(Gene is able to drag Michael onto the table. Seeing the ladder, he drags it nearby. The fans stand up and chant for wood.)

JR: "He's going to----No, Gene, don't! You're going to kill yourself!"
(Art moves as Gene slowly climbs the ladder. The fans grab each other)
Jerry: "No, he's going to! He's going to try to make it game, set, Match!"
(the GSNWO are finally knocked out by the Goody-Toddy Boyz. Bill sees what's going on and starts cheering Gene on)
JR: "Bill notices, and is letting the other Boyz know. It's time for the move that ended many a match, sometimes really painfully...."
(Gene reaches the top, and maintains his balance. The crowd is cheering by now.)Jerry: "It's too late now! It's now or never for him!"
(fans cheer and grab onto each others' beers)
JR: "Here it comes----THE RAYBURN DEATH DROP!!!"

(Michael looks up to see Gene fly right at him, sending him through the table. Crowd goes insane)
Jerry: "Gene's trying to get up! Agggh!!!"
(Art slides over by the two fighters)
Art: "Mr. Rayburn's covered Mr. Burger! (slapping mat) One! Two! THREE!"
(immediately gets up and signals bell. MG '7X theme plays)
Jerry: "It can't be! AGGGHHH!"
(Fans let go of each other and go nuts, flinging empty beer bottles, brassieres, foam cards, and anything else they can find. Art signals for the belt)

Art: "10-4! The match is officially over. Mr. Olsen?"
Johnny O.: "The winner of this match, and NEW GSWF Champion, Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(Art hands Gene the belt and raises his hand. The GSNWO crawl in and assist Michael in getting out of the ring. As they leave, the Goody-Toddy Boyz run in and help Gene up. They then commence celebrating)
JR: "What a night! What a night! We're outta time. Jim Ross, for Jerry Lawler and The Dean,we'll see you Thursday for Best of the GSWF! What a night!"
(camera fades out as the G-T Boyz continue celebrating)

Copyright 2003
Blanketyblank Productions.
No talk show hosts were killed during tonight's show. Unfortunately.

...short, but sweet. OK, you were very good and now you're getting some GSWF news.

Stay tuned for a "Best of GSWF" special. This is one that's nearing completion.

Of course, "The Lost Episode of GSN RAW." That'll appear after the Best of special.

And, once those are out of the way....brand new GSWF programming! NOTE: the new stuff probably won't get updated as fast as the Retro posts, mainly because I need to consume the proper amount of Dew to get the juices flowing. All I'll say is that Smackdown Plus gets a new set of commentators, and I rip off WWE with a five-letter word starting with "D." I'l let you think over that.

Don't forget; for the love of God, turn those clocks back an hour.


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