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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

GSWF Retro: Tournament Quarterfinals AND Semifinals!!

WARNING: This is kinda short, what with there only being three matches altogether. The rest is interference and stuff, but once again the main event will stand alone. Anyhoo, on with the show.

Announcer: "More violence! More blood! More boobs! Next on 'Family Feud'! Now back to RAW!"

JR: "Welcome back to the SECOND ROUND of action! The monkeys hit the speed-up button so here we go again!"
Johnny: "It's time for the second round of the tournament! Please welcome the winners of the first half of bracket A, Vanna White and Richard Dawson!"
JR: "Gimmick Wheel rules apply here, and Vanna will get the spin."
Johnny: "And here's our special guest referee for the match.....the guy that hosted Hollywood Squares before Tom Bergeron! (silence) Oh. John Davidson, people!"
(HS '86 music plays. Somewhere in the audience Nelly and Kelly are howling)

John: "Holy crap, I'm gonna get a paycheck for the first time in ages! Uh, Vanna, spin the wheel!"
(Vanna spins, keeping one hand on her uppers.....the wheel slows down.....)
JR: "What is it?"
John: "It's the famed CLIFFHANGERS MATCH!"
(cheers from crowd)
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new guest referee! He's a man that has a stint as The Price is Right host, he also starred in Password Plus AND Split Second, but you all know him best from Name That Tune....please welcome Tom Kennedy!"
(audience stands and cheers)
John: "But I need the money! What am I going to do now?"
Tom: "I think I know.....Roger!!!!!"
(Roger Dobkowitz, usually the RAW ref, enters the ring with some climbing gear)Vanna: "Can I buy a clue and ask what's going to happen?"
Richard: "Our survey SAYS!"
(FF clang SFX)
Bill: "John Davidson does get some role tonight, don't he?"
(John is hoisted onto the lifesize Cliffhangers set waaaaay up in the rafters....viewers that remember Bill Rafferty's experience in this match will know what I'm talking about)

Tom: "OK, the rules are as follows. It's just a real-life version of Cliffhangers. I'll show you three products that Rod Roddy will read off, and you have to see how close you are to the price. Whoever's closest wins the prize, but the person that gets it wrong forces Hans---er, John, to climb the mountain. The person that forces John to go over the cliff loses. Ready? OK Rod, what's our first item?"
Rod Roddy: "First, from Blanketyblank Industries, the famed MOUNTAIN DEW DRINKING HELMET! (crowd oohs) This state of the art helmet features a compartment that can hold up to ten two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, the official beverage of the GSWF. That's the Mountain Dew Drinking Helmet. Aspirin sold separately."
Tom: "OK, you got the item. How much does it cost"
Vanna: "A buck!"
Richard: "I'll say probably twenty!"
Tom: "Do we have a winner?(bell dings and Claudia Jordan reveals the price) It's twenty bucks! Richard wins the helmet! Vanna is off by twenty-four dollars. Start climbing Davidson!"
("Cliffhangers" Yodeling Music plays as audience claps along as John climbs up the mountain, cursing all the way)

Tom: "OK, you guys are gonna have to do something good here otherwise someone's gonna lose. Rod, what's our next item?"
Rod: "New from Dave-O industries, it's the home version of WILL IT FLOAT? Play everybody's favorite late Friday night segment! WILL IT FLOAT?, from Dave-O!"
Vanna: "It sounds like a cheapie. A hundred."
Richard: "I'll say one hundred too."
Tom: "OK, you both are saying one hundred. Are they right? (ding, Claudia shows card) It's one hundred dollars, and GSN's going to have to get rid of some monkeys! It all comes down to this. Rod?"
Rod: "It's Brett Somers' hotel keys! (crowd cheers) Generously donated by Commissioner CNR, these are the keys Brett has to that motel room in Encino. You may even stumble upon her there! Once again, that's Brett Somers' keys!"
Tom: "OK, what do you think it is?"
Vanna: " I get Gene with it too?"
(we see a woman on the horizon)

Vanna: "They're mine! You can't have them!"
Brett: "Oh yeah???? Take this you floozy blank!"
(Brett yanks on Vanna's bra straps so hard....HOW HARD? That when she lets go, she flings Vanna waaay into the ceiling......and right into John. John is flung over thanks to the flying letter toucher. Tom looks and when he sees Davidson land in the upper deck, signals for the bell)
Johnny O: "The winner, and first semifinalist, Richard Dawson!"
(cheers. Brett and Richard exchange greetings. Brett gets the keys back and runs off)
JR: "Brett Somers eliminates Vanna White from competition and sends Richard Dawson to the semis. Now, on to the ring for our next match!"

Johnny: "Please welcome our first half winners from Bracket B, Michael Burger and Monty Hall!"
(boos and chants of ***hole as Michael walks down the aisle acting like a flaming jerk)
Johnny: "Uh, where's Monty?"
(cut to back, where Pat Bullard has pulled the old forklift-in-front-of-the-face's locker room door trick.)
Johnny: "Jesus H. Murphy! I guess he won't be able to answer the ten count. Dammit, you go on!"
(crowd starts booing)
(all of a sudden Jim Perry enters the ring to the cheers of the crowd)
Jim: "Now, I may be ineligible, but I can calm the masses! We're only one match away from the semis, and I happen to be the ref for the next one! Right after this!"

(commercials. Afterwards, Paul Lynde is seen making the walk. Out of nowhere, a vehicle hits him)
JR: "What the HELL?"
Jerry: "Who was that?"
(the door opens, and it's none other than.....)
Fans: (imitating Rob Van Dam) "C-N-R! C-N-R!!"
JR: "I'll be damned. Michael Burger locks out Monty Hall and now Charles Nelson Reilly has knocked Paul Lynde outta the competition! The semis are set---"
Jim: "Dammit! What am I supposed to do now?"
Johnny: "Throw to commercial!"
Jim: "Oh. Oh, yeah! We'll be right back with the semi-finals after this!"
(CS '78 music plays)

Announcer: "What happens when you throw together a Middle Eastern leader..."

Saddamn: "I make weapons of mass destruction!"
Announcer: "....a scantily clad ex Barker's Beauty....."
Heather Kozar: "I'm nekkid!" (spills a bottle of St. Pauli Girl)
Announcer: ".....and a rapping kangaroo together?"
Kangaroo: "I'm a rapping kangaroo! My film debut is a piece of poo!"
Announcer: "You get America's favorite new wacky reality show: SADDAMN, HEATHER AND THE RAPPING KANGAROO! Coming this Spring to PAX!"

(fade back in on arena, where we see the combatants for our next match...damn those monkeys!)
Johnny O.: "Oh, we're back! Our next match pits host against panelist....and we got a first here."
Richard: "Shut up and let me spin the wheel!"
Johnny: "That's where the first comes in. Gene, do the honors of spinning the ex-Star Wheel."
(Gene spins wheel)
JR: "We still have some good gimmicks left, granted no more people pop up out of nowhere and raise hell. And the wheel's stopping.....and it's---"
(crowd starts chanting "Come on Down!")
"And you know we have to have a guest referee. So even though he reffed a match already.....Bob Barker, COME ON DOWN AND DO YOUR THING!"
(loud profane cheers)

Bob: "OK Fellers. This is the Showcase Smackdown, loosely based on our two showcases at the end of The Price is Right. Well, in this match we have one big showcase, and you two must use the prizes offered to your advantage. The winner is the first to score a pinfall. Now, Rod Roddy, tell us our showcase. Music man, CUE UP SPLENDIDO!"
(audio technician obliges and plays everybody's favorite music. The audience can't resist the urge to sing.*)

Crowd, singing:
"Ohhh yeah...
It's Nothing But Furniture!!!!
Sectional Living Room! StainMaster carpet too!

Too bad....
Nothing But Furniture!!
Elegant Dining Room, Michael C. Fina and you!!!

Aaaaand althoughhh,
The bed is soft and dee-eep,
You'll still get a good night's slee-eep
You will still have nothing there to drive!!

No Car, No Truck, No Van!

You're stuck with furniture!
Tan Broyhill furniture
Maybe some of it reclines!

You can't believe this is it!

Oh man, It's Nothing But Furniture!!
Rod Roddy's spiel is done...
Should have kept Showcase One!!

How will you get this home?
How will you get this home?"

(audience repeats this last line until Bob glares at them. They laugh and cheer for Rod to start the description.)

Rod: "The Showcase Smackdown starts with this brand new LIVING ROOM! (crowd oohs loudly as Holly Halstrom shows off the room) First, whack your opponent with this lovely set of folding chairs from EC Industries. These chairs are guaranteed to make a nice sickening noise and a sweet dent once metal meets head. Then, fling your opponent onto this lovely couch from Ashley Furniture. Will break after approximately ten finishing moves. Then, take the carnage to your BRAND NEW DINING ROOM! (crowd oohs more as Chantel Dubay and Kathleen Bradley showcase the items) Fling each other into this big (cuckoo) refrigerator from Whirlpool. It'll hurt like hell! And you can't have a proper dining room without this TABLE/CHAIR SET! From Hardyz Unlimited. Finally, let that speed demon in you out and try to run your opponent down with this BRAND SPANKING NEW CAR!"
Audience: "YEAAAHHHHHH!"
(Janice Pennington is in the drivers seat)
Rod: "The new Chevrolet Corvette features all the stuff we've said God knows how many times on this show in the past. And it can all be utilized perfectly if the Price of Pain Is Right!"
Bob: "What's your bid---uh, we'll start this match after this!"
(roll ads)

(seemingly endless commercials finally end)
JR: "And we're back, and Bob Barker has signaled for the bell."
(Richard kicks Gene in the, uh, blank. GSWF drummer performs rimshot)
Bill: "And Dawson immediately goes on the offensive, with a whip---right into the edge of that couch! That's gotta hurt! Oh, by the way, we'd like to update you on the earlier match between Garry Moore and Henry Morgan. We're glad to announce Henry now has feelings in the lower extremities and Garry no longer calls people Joe Garagiola."

Richard: "Five DAMN years! Five years I've been waiting to kick your (cuckoo)!!!!"
(picks up chair but is met with a Van Daminator off the couch. Couch's springs appear. Holly immediately wheels couch away, cursing that it only took two moves instead of ten as advertised)
JR: "Well, I guess that takes care of the couch. And-----OH!"
(Gene picks up a chair but Richard grabs his. Chairs collide, sending both emcees sprawling)
Bill: "That was right that they've demolished the living room, onward to the dining room!"
(both hosts limp towards the fridge. Gene knocks it over, spilling the contents on Richard)

Richard: "Ow! What is that?"
JR: "What is it?"
Jerry: "It's boooooze!"
Richard: "God! I smell like Napa Valley!"
Gene: "That's what you get, you drunken limey sod!" (stiff kicks Richard. Richard gets up and smashes bottle on Gene's head. Crowd roars)
JR: "That's going to leave a mark!"
(Richard seizes the opportunity and slams the fridge door on Gene's noggin a few more times. Crowd is getting into match now)
JR: "And Richard Dawson has stolen the thunder in this battle, and we have to break for commercials!"

JR: "And we're back! Over the break, not much happened. Whoa!"
(Richard's offensive continues as he gets in one more good shot)
Bill: "Dawson's used up just about all the dining room resources....oh, no!"
(Dawson gets a look at the table)
Audience: "We want wood! We want wood!"
Gene Wood: "Did someone say my name?"
Audience: "NOOOOOO!"
Richard: "I don't need your help! I'm going to do my finisher!"
Jerry: "He's going to do the Survey Stunner????"
Bill: "He's not near a's he going to do it?"

(Richard drags Gene (not Wood) onto table, and stands up the fridge once again. He looks, and then)
JR: "Off the FRIDGE!!!!"
(Dawson climbs fridge)
Richard: "My survey SAYS---"(jumps off fridge, but is greeted with a knee to the midsection. Both hosts go through the table. Fans go nuts and start flinging beverages at each other)
JR: "And there goes the dining room, and Rayburn is mounting the dreaded comeback!"
(Gene staggers, slowly picks up Richard, and sends him into the car door)

Bill: "And the destruction of the convertible is on its way!"
(Gene gets in a good few shots on Richard, then whacks him good with one of the car options....the Club)
JR: "That should knock out Dawson.....and....OH NO!"
(Gene places Richard on the hood. Inadvertently, Richard's hand hits the radio....)

Voice on Radio: "You're listening to KGNG Radio, K-Gong! This is your happening DJ Chuckie Baby spinning those 30 second gems and stinkers. We'll start another 30 minute set right after these commercials on K-Gong!"
JR: "Crap, the radio's on! We're going to lose our mics for a few moments---"
(announcers' mics cut out)
(fans start chanting as Gene climbs a nearby speaker)
Announcer: "The following block on K-Gong is brought to you by Mountain Dew, the official beverage of the GSWF. Also by Orville Redenbacher, makers of that f'ing good cheesy butter popcorn. I mean, damn, have you ever tried that stuff? It's good (cuckoo)! And by new Hot Crap pants. Now you can look like Hot Crap in Hot Crap! Now back to your DJ."
DJ CB: "Thank you Mr. Announcer! Let's start this block off with some music that'll get you jumpin....Jumpin at the Woodside! Here's the immortal Count Basie!"
("Jumpin at the Woodside" plays)

(mics return)
Bill: " know what happens when this plays...."
(females start shrieking)
Jerry: "The ladies know it, the men don't want to...."
(camera pans toward entrance)
JR: "Is it? YES! It's the legendary GSWF Janitor and Hardcore Champion, Gene the Dancing Machine!"
(females in audience continue shrieking as if they've seen Justin Timberlake naked)

Gene the Blanking Machine: "What are you doing? You're interfering in MY fight!"
Gene the Dancing Machine: "I'm sorry, I can't resist? When I hear that music, I don't stop till it does!"
Women: (albeit looking confused, chanting) "Gene! Gene! Gene!"
(the women start flinging bills at Dancing Gene, nailing announcers and male audience members in process. Another slices Dawson's pinky)
Richard: "Yeooooooww!" (gets up, clocks Dancing Gene. Gene Gene gets mad, and punches Richard. The two go at it and end up on the hood. Bob looks absolutely confused. Meanwhile, the fracas continues, and both Dawson and the Hardcore Champion fail to notice that the other combatant is still on the speaker)

JR: "I smell something really bad's about to happen."
Gene, not the Dancing Machine: "That's IT!"
(fans shut up)
JR: "NOOOOO! Don't do it!"
Jerry: "Too late----"
(Gene---alright, I'll cut out the wisecracks----jumps off speaker and right smack onto the hood where Richard and the janitor are fighting)
Bill: "Yieee! The Rayburn Death Drop!"
(Gene lands on Richard, who ends up on top of Gene Gene. Car is massively dented. Windshield glass sprays everywhere, and the alarm goes off. Bob ducks flying glass and reaches the three)

Bob: "(hitting hood) 1-2-3!!!!"(signals for bell)
Johnny: What are you doing?"
Bob: "I have two wins here! (grabs belt) By pinfall, the winner and NEW HARDCORE CHAMPION, Richard Dawson! (raises Richard's hand as Feud '76 music plays)"
(fans start cheering loudly)
JR: "So Richard Dawson wins the Hardcore belt, but what's that have to do with the match?"
Bob: "However, the tournament rules state that the current GSWF champs cannot participate. Richard just won the belt. Since he has a belt, the winner of the Showcase Smackdown as a result of disqualification is Gene Rayburn!" (raises Gene's hand)
Jerry: "WHATT??"
Bill: "He just said it. The 24-7 rule. Richard had the Dancing Machine pinned, so Bob made the three count. Dawson then became the current Hardcore champ. Barker has no choice but to make the DQ. In a sense, both Richard and Gene win!"

(fans start cheering again. Richard clutches his stomach, holding the belt. Bob plies the former champ from the car, and helps him off to the back. Richard and Gene stare for roughly three minutes...and then shake hands and walk backstage)JR: "Two of the most popular hosts, put on a helluva show. Coming up next, the second semifinal!"

(Ads end, fade in on arena sign outside, reading "TONIGHT.....GSWF RAW......SOLD OUT")
JR: "And we're back! Our combatants for the second semifinal are already in the ring, we'll go to our announcer Johnny O. to announce the referee."
Johnny: "And now, introducing our guest referee. He was to compete in the semis, but interference cost him a shot at Bill Rafferty. Here he is, the deal master himself, Monty Hall!"
(croud applauds as Monty saunters in)
Monty: "Mr. Rafferty, you're considered the challenger by a result of your bye. Please lower the Gimmick Wheel to spin your deal, and hopefully you won't get zonked by a bad stip."
(the Gimmick Wheel is lowered, and Bill gives it a good spin)
JR: "The wheel's been spun, and it all comes down to this-----"
Jerry: "Double! Double! Agggghhh!"
Bill: "It could be anything!"
Monty: "It's slowing down, and stopping....gentlemen, it's a DUMPSTER MATCH! (mixed cheers) The objective is to put your opponent into the dumpster located at the top of the ramp behind the announce table. Good luck. (signals for bell)"

JR: "And the match to determine our second finalist for the belt is underway! Rafferty is starting it off well with a volley of punches and kicks."
(Bill stiff kicks Michael in the jaw, sending him sprawling. Michael makes a weird gesture with his hand)
Bill: "I smell something rotten in the arena....and here it comes! Watch out, Bill!"
(Michael has signaled his cronies....the GSNWO, aka Pat Bullard, Amy MacGuffin, Gary Kroeger, Louie Anderson, Anne Robinson and the B**** Brigade, and The GSN AdNauseum Trio (Wilford Brimley, Billy Mays and the Bloussant Girl). Bill is about to set up another case of Sweet Chin Music, but the GSNWO storm the ring and begin the attack.)
JR: "Not this again! Michael Burger always seems to resort to cheating to win, and I think this is another indication."
Bill: "Michael will do anything, and I mean anything, to get his hands on Gene after that Armageddon Match."
(the beatdown goes on long enough for Michael to recover, drag Bill to the ramp, and empty him into the dumpster. More beer flies, and Judge Von Erik the timekeeper is knocked out by an empty can, smacking the bell with his face)Monty: "Nice going, (cuckoo)! I think I need a drink."
(crowd is getting antsy, not because of the upcoming re-match, but because they need to get even more beer)

Bill: "It's the Re-Match Game tonight! Our finals bracket has been set!"
Jerry: "My question is, will it be Armageddon Redux? Agggh!!"
JR: "I have no damn clue!"
(cut to the back where the MG '7X posse is watching the events, then cut to the GSNWO celebrating as if Michael's won the belt)
Bill: "The crowd is definitely buzzing in anticpation! It's a rematch for the titles, only there won't be anything vacant afterwards."
JR: "Damn straight! It's Battle of the Match Game Hosts Two, after this!"
(fade out)

...yep, there we go. Tomorrow, the excitng conclusion.

On a closing note....VIVA WHITE SOX!!!!! PARTY TIME, BITCHES!!

Have a great night.

*original "Nothing But Furniture" lyrics written by Scott Walker. No attempt is made to claim ownership of said lyrics.


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