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Saturday, March 10, 2007

Cussin' for Jesus '07 Tally One

Yeah, I finally motivated myself long enough to take inventory of my coarse language (hey, if I wasn't a Republican, I would've been hired by John Edwards' campaign. ZING!). But I can't count all the cusses by myself. So I recruited someone who knows their numbers. Ladies and Gentleman, THE COUNT!!

Greetings, Hannah! Ah ha ha!

Well, Count, it's very nice of you to take time out of your somewhat busy schedule counting...hmm, you look a bit weird.

Vhat, you haw newer seen me animated? Goodness, you haw changed!

OK, Hannah, I shall count your cusses now. One cuss word! Two cuss words! Three cuss words! Four cuss words!.......


...thirty cuss words! Thirty-one cuss words! THIRTY-TWO CUSS WORDS! HA HA HA!!

Thank you very much, Count. I'll let you go back now counting the piles of crap left by Bert's pigeons.

So that makes thirty-two profanities posted on this page. At a nickel a cuss, that's a whopping $1.60 in the pot! I think I've declined in cursing compared to last year's tally; of course last year I wasn't freaking lazy either.

So that'll be the tally for the first few weeks. Maybe after my little TV experiment next week I can jack up the ranting. Tally ho and have a decent weekend!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Enjoy Yourselves, Bitches....It's a Celebration!!

This is the 100th post on what started as a shitty idea to begin with. Two years later, I'm still ranting about something or nothing in particular, and I've now hit the century mark posting caffeine-fueled whatnot.

First off, a thank you to the lurkers who have somehow staggered into here, even if you didn't feel like commenting. To any others who came here not looking at the GSN Boards, thank you too.

OK, now that the ass-kissing is out of the way, there's a few things I'll probably touch off on.

First, our dumbfuck governor should encourage the tourism board to change our state slogan. Remember back in the day when it was "WISCONSIN: You're Among Friends"? They ought to change it to "WISCONSIN: You're Among Morons."

Last month, we had the fool who broke down a door with a sword, thinking a woman was being raped. As it turned out, his neighbors cranked up the porn a bit too loud.

Now, we have guys setting their gonads on fire. Why is it when the Chippewa Valley makes news, it's either something tragic like the Chi-Hi bus crash, or complete fucking idiots taking themselves out of the gene pool by giving "hot dog" a new meaning?

(Wait, someone's whispering something in my ear.)

Oh, yeah....we drink too much booze. We get fucking blitzed, then we grab swords and set our privates on fire. Apparently some people didn't want to give up the happy juice for Lent.

Speaking of Lent, I'll try not to be too damn lazy and actually post the Cuss Count. Maybe I'll have a special guest or something.

Meanwhile, it's less than a month now till the MLB season begins. My Brewers...I can hardly wait to see if this is finally the year.

I hope you all watched South Park last night. Another brilliant episode taking a look at the word that got Kramer in trouble. Of course, the highlight was Cartman beating up a midget. Genius, I tell you.

The irony is that the same night this episode aired, on a lark I decided to tune in on a show most of us watched before we became foul-mouthed gonad-lighting sword lovers; Sesame Street. (I was bored and sick of watching the same clip of Kobe Bryant smacking some dude in the face, honest!) My God, what's happened to this show? It's become Elmo's World!! No wonder South Park is so huge, we got traumatized watching the Little Red Menace take over the show. Where's Grover? Grover kicks ass! I'm 24 years old, and I'm admitting I still love a furry blue monster who taught us exercise by running til complete exhaustion long before it was cool!! Yaaaayy!!

Actually, that may be a whole 'nother post. Here's something that I plan to do: for one week, I'll sit through a week of Sesame Street, followed up by whatever South Park episode is on that night. It'll be an interesting experiment in seeing where the hell we went wrong. I bet I'll have at least ten references to Gonad Torches before the week is over.

Now that that's out of the way, wow. 100 posts! I guess it's more about quality.

Post 101 should be tomorrow. I'm going to drink some Dew and see if I can't set parts of my body on fire after watching Grover do "Near and Far."