Now with 50% more fail!


Thursday, September 28, 2006

Holy Shit, It's Fall?!?

Where did the time fly? Oh yeah, drinking Dew and actually staying passed out longer. Still a bit moody at times, but that's probably the weather.

Which sucks right now. One minute it's sunny, then you turn around and there's a downpour. Mother Nature is one tricky bitch. Except for when it comes to butter, 'cause if you prank her there, you are so fucked. (fakey cyber cash to the first person who gets that)

Speaking of fucked, I almost trashed my Daewoo 13-inch TV/VCR after the Brewers/Cubs game last night. That may have been the first time since watching Greg Biffle and JJ Yeley's wreckfest at Daytona that I was supremely pissed over a sports outcome. Dammit, Dave Bush pitched a helluva game, then Frankie Cordero fucks up big time. I'm still steaming over it, and the Crew just beat the Cardinals about an hour ago! With the season winding down, it'll be interesting seeing who stays in Milwaukee and who's going to be looking for another team uniform. That'll probably merit a post there.

As I may or may not have stated before, I'll have to find a team to root for in the playoffs. I think I said that'd be the Tigers, and that's probably it. They'll most likely have to play Oakland due to the "no division matchups in the Divisional Playoffs" rule. The old asshole that owns the Twinkies is already ranting about how they'll easily beat the Yankees. Yeah, right, and next you'll be telling me Barry Bonds isn't on the juice.

(Good Lord, this has turned into the Sports Desk! Hell, might as well roll with it.)

Shaun Alexander broke his foot. The moment I saw that on ESPN, I immedately blurted the first thing that came to mind: The Madden Curse strikes again!

(Note to John Madden: pleeeeze put Terrell Owens on the cover of Madden '08 so we can be spared of any more outlandish shit involving him.)

Woody Paige=Gawd. For the sake of fellow ATH fans, his catch phrase: LOOK AT THE SCHEDULE!

Damn, the Broncos don't play this weekend. And now I have to pick between Badgers/Hoosiers and Brewers/Cards on Saturday? Gaaaah!!

On the home front, my alma mater is undefeated and gearing up for a huge Homecoming showdown tomorrow night. I asked Turd Boy if he was going, and in his typical Turd Boy fashion he farted and said no. Frankly, I don't blame him, since most of his buddies won't be there either, including his friend who plays for the Badgers. Turd Boy, even though he attends UW-Platteville, is a diehard fan of Badger football. He even went with his friends to Tampa a few years ago to see them in the Outback Bowl. Family-wise, that's the farthest south anyone's gone. (FWIW, it's been Platteville. Wow, I'm so adventurous.)

As for me? I won't be going either. I'm probably going to plant my ass on the bed, drink a shitload of Dew, and watch the Doctor Who marathon. Daleks fucking rule.

So, uh, if you don't see any new posts this weekend, I'll have exerminated myself from caffeine overload. Toodles, my homes!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Doughnut Derby 2006, Week 3

Here we are, another week of football done. As everyone knows, we started Week 3 with eleven teams still sporting 0-2 records. Two had a bye, so how did the other nine fare?

The Packers held off the Lions in a battle of Derby teams. Hence, not only did Favre throw his 400th TD pass, but he and his team also earn a Swizzle Stick.

In the second Derby matchup, the Redskins massacred the Texans. Whoa, that sounded weird. Mark Brunell was on fire today completing his first 22 passes, good enough for a Swizzle Stick.

The Panthers earned their Swizzle Stick at the last second, thanks to a John Kasay field goal.

Finally, the Dolphins squeaked past the Titans to earn their Swizzle Stick.

That leaves us now with seven Doughnut Derby teams:

Cleveland: blew a chance to beat the Ravens.

Tennessee: lost to the Dolphins.

Houston: had a problem with the Redskins.

Kansas City: Bye week.

Oakland: bye week.

Detroit: couldn't capitalize on an Ahman Green fumble, lost to the Packers.

Tampa Bay: lost to the Panthers in the last few seconds. The game means a bit less now with Chris Simms being hospitalized. Keep him in your thoughts, people.

Week Four Matchups:

Bye Bye Byes: Broncos, Steelers, Giants, Buccaneers

Cardinals vs. Falcons

Chargers vs. Ravens

Vikings vs. Bills

Saints vs. Panthers

Dolphins vs. Texans

49ers vs. Chiefs

Colts vs. Jets

Cowboys vs. Titans

Lions vs. Rams

Patriots vs. Bengals

Browns vs. Raiders

Jaguars vs. Redskins

Sunday night: the must see game between the Seahawks and Bears

Monday night: Packers vs. Eagles

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Doughnut Derby '06 Standings for Week 2

It's time to look at who did what this week. Do we have nothing but donuts, or are we going to hand out a bunch of Swizzle Sticks? Let's find out..

Buffalo beat Miami in a battle of Doughnut teams. Buffalo therefore receives the Swizzle Stick as they are no longer winless.

Denver edged Kansas City in OT. Yaaaay! Oh, yeah, the Broncos also receive a Swizzle Stick.

The 49ers earned their Swizzle Stick by beating the St. Louis Rams.

Finally, in the third matchup between Derby teams, Dallas beat Washington.

That now leaves us with eleven Doughnut teams remaining:

Miami: duh, lost to the Bills.

Cleveland: Lost the first Battle of Ohio to the Bengals.

Tennessee: manhandled by the Chargers.

Houston: made Peyton Manning and the Colts' bitches.

Kansas City: Duh, lost to the Broncos.

Oakland: Uh, who'd they play? The Ravens, yeah.

Washington: I'm not rehashing that joke anymore.

Green Bay: Got beat by the fucking Saints. Good Lord, I wonder how long it'll be till we see Cheeshead paper bags? It's not even draft day yet and it looks like Troy Smith's going to be heading for the Frozen Tundra.

Lions: Mauled by the Bears. Oh my!

Carolina: Fucking Ryan Longwell and the Vikings. The only thing they're good for is singing about Spam.

Tampa Bay: My god, what happened to these guys? Not saying that the Falcons are lousy, but only 3 points in two games? Chris Simms sucks.

With the ritual bashing of the loser teams out of the way, what does Week Three have in store for us?

Jets vs. Bills, both with Swizzle Sticks.

Packers vs. Lions. Two Derby teams, which means someone's getting a Swizzle Stick. 99.9% likely Detroit.

Redskins vs. Texans. Again, someone's automatically guaranteed a Swizzle Stick. Most likely the Redskins.

Jaguars vs. Colts. Winnahs.

Titans vs. Dolphins. Come on people, do we need to give away more Swizzle Sticks?

Bears vs. Vikings. Both undefeated. Ryan Fucking Longwell will probably win the game again.

Bengals vs. Steelers, no doughnuts here.

Panthers vs. Buccaneers. This is getting ridiculous.

Ravens vs. Browns. Thank you!

Rams vs. Cardinals, each with a win

Eagles vs. 49ers. Can San Fran improve on their Swizzle Stick?

Remaining matchups pit the Giants against the Seahawks, the Broncos take on Tom Assface Brady and the Pats, and Monday night finds Vick and the Falcons traveling to Chocolate City to face the Saints. (Ray Nagin asked for it.)

The Raiders have a bye, so they'll continue their quest for suckitude in Week 4. The Chiefs also have a bye, so no chance for a doughnut this week.

Other bye teams: the Chargers and Cowboys.

Good luck and have fun making your picks for the future 0-3 teams.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Are You Ready for Some REAL Football Fun?

To salute just how shitty some NFL teams have become (coughPackerscough49erscough)I have decided to start up what should hopefully be an annual contest. Screw fantasy football, this is the next big thing.


That's right, kiddies! Instead of picking the best of the best, we pick the cream of the CRAP!

The rules will hopefully be simple; the derby starts after Week One, when half the league dreams of passing the 1972 Miami Dolphins, and the other half pray to their makers they don't surpass the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the shittiest team in history.

We take the 16 losers, hence the "doughnut" term, and see who goes the longest without winning. You get to pick who loses each week, and nobody's eliminated. At the end of the season, whoever has the most correct picks wins. And maybe gets a small prize or something. Feel free to leave suggestions in the comment box.

Our sixteen Doughnut Derby Contenders:

Miami Dolphins: lost to the Steelers.

Buffalo Bills: continue to struggle against the Patriots

Cleveland Browns: lost to Reggie Bush's Saints.

Houston Texas: fell to the Eagles

Tennessee Titans: Got B-E-A-T by the JETS! JETS! JETS!

Denver Broncos: Not even Dew sacrifices by yours truly could help them against the Rams

Kansas City Chiefs: not only did they lose to the Bengals, they may have lost Trent Green for most of the season

Oakland Raiders: made to be the Chargers' bitches once more

New York Giants: well, one of the Mannings had to lose. And it wasn't the one playing for the Colts.

Dallas Cowboys: TO < Jaguars Washington Redskins: I HATE THE VIKINGS.

Detroit Lions: The sad thing is, they actually were playing decent against the Seahawks

Green Bay Packers: Good Lord, Vince Lombardi must be shitting bricks in his grave. Insert Bears comment here.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Humiliated by the Ravens.

Carolina Panthers: and to think they were picks to win the Super Bowl. The Falcons threw a little kink in those plans.

San Francisco 49ers: Remember the days when they would blow out the Cardinals? Times have changed.

There you have it. And now, the fun part. Time to look at the Week Two Matchups, with the Doughnut Derby contenders in bold. If you're really lucky, maybe we'll have Derby teams against each other.


Buccaneers vs. Falcons

Raiders vs. Ravens

Lions vs. Bears

Browns vs. Bengals

Saints vs. Packers

Texans vs. Colts

Bills vs. Dolphins

Panthers vs. Vikings

Giants vs. Eagles

Rams vs. 49ers

Cardinals vs. Seahawks, no doughnuts here

Chiefs vs. Broncos

Patriots vs. Jets, no doughnuts here

Titans vs. Chargers

Redskins vs. Cowboys

Steelers vs. Jaguars, no doughnuts here.

The objective is maybe more complicated.

In each matchup (except for the three without doughnut teams), pick your loser. Preferably the Doughnut teams. Although, three games are straight-up Doughnut matchups, where one is obviously going to win.

If the Doughnut team loses, they go on to Week Three. Should they win, however, they'll receive the Swizzle Stick of Doom award. The Swizzle Stick represents their first win, eliminating them from the competition.

For every loser you get right, you earn two points. No points for a wrong answer. You won't lose points either.

Hopefully this isn't too complicated. Feel free to comment with any ideas to improve the game. Oh, yes, and when you do comment, make your picks there as well. On next Tuesday, I'll post the results and points standing.

Have fun!

The Sports Desk, V2 Week 2

Welcome to another installment of The Sports Desk!!

First on the docket; college football. The hugely-hyped Ohio State-Texas game fell ridiculously short of expectations. However, they did succeed in airing as many shots of Matthew McConagheuy as humanly possible.

Meanwhile, Notre Dame stomped Penn State.

Oh yeah, and the Badgers won, too.


After 26 weeks of massive hype, short fuses, and drivers you wouldn't expect to be given probation actually given probation, the Chase for the 2006 Nextel Cup is set.

The usual suspects: Jimmie Johnson, Matt Kenseth, and Mark Martin are the only drivers to have made the Chase all three years.

They're baaaaack......Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr. are back after a one year absence.

Newbies: Kevin Harvick, Jeff Burton, Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin, and Kasey Kahne get their first crack at a title. Hamlin is the first rookie to make the Chase.

Kahne was on the outside looking in going into Richmond, but he made it. On the other hand, he denied Tony Stewart a chance to defend his 2005 title.


As for who may miss the Chase, I'll go insanely far on a limb and say that Tony Stewart fails to make it in. We've already had a Chase without the two biggest names in NASCAR, so it'd be interesting seeing the Chase without the defending champion.

Holy crap. I'll hold off on starting up a psychic sports hotline for now.

The Chase starts this Sunday at Loudon, NH. Kyle Busch won the summer race, so he'd be considered a favorite here.

Right now, I'll go insanely out on that limb again and make a championship prediction; The Drive for Five ends in success for Jeff Gordon at Homestead.

My dark horse pick will be Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Maybe this year's top two will be the two guys that missed it last year.

And finally, the NFL.

I hate the Rams. Of course if Plummer didn't throw his minimum three INTs as is the norm, it would have been close.

The Packers are officially fucked. Signing the Minnesota Drunken Wide Receiver just made it worse. Next thing you know they'll sign the Whizzinator when Ahman Green gets hurt again.

Meanwhile, stay tuned as I've come up with some new whizbang game to salute the crappiest teams in football.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Never Forget...

This post is dedicated to Lynn Angell, one of the 2,996 who perished on September 11, 2001. May God continue to bless her eternal soul.

Right now I sit here in front of my computer, trying to figure out how to eulogize one that I've never met. It's difficult, until you read into their history.

Reading about Lynn Angell those five years ago, I learned she was married to David Angell, one of the creative talents behind the series Wings, and their biggest hit, Frasier. Five years ago, though, that was the only thing about her that I knew.

Five years later, I learned Lynn wasn't one of those typical Hollywood types. She and David were married for 30 years, going through both good and difficult times. She gave both time and money to Hillsides, a Pasadena home for physically and mentally abused children. Being a former librarian, she volunteered time to organize the small library, and anonymously made a donation to turn that library into something much bigger for the children. As an avid reader, I found that to be extremely amazing.

On September 11, 2001, David and Lynn planned to fly to Los Angeles for the upcoming Emmy Awards on American Airlines Flight 11.

As we all tragically know now, that would never happen.....

The question "Where were you on September 11?" is to this generation as "Where were you when JFK was shot?" was to an earlier group. Ask anybody old enough, and they'll give you the answer.

I had just woken up in my dorm room and planned on checking my e-mail before getting breakfast. After logging out, the MSN page looked somewhat smaller. The headline read, "A Sad Day in US History." Thinking there was no significant anniversary that would merit that line, I went back to my room and turned on the TV set, which was on ABC. At that point, I saw the devastation in New York and Peter Jennings saying, almost on the verge of tears, that the Twin Towers were gone.

From what I remember, the campus was filled with sadness, and actually some hysteria. The hysteria was primarily two things: the fact we were close to Lake Superior and there was talk the Great Lakes would be targeted; and that gas prices would skyrocket. I was scared; I was 200 miles away from my family and had nobody to lean on for moral support. It wasn't until Thursday that I was finally able to call my mom and tell her I loved her.

The most vivid memory I have of the aftermath was Saturday the 15th. I went to Mass at the cathedral in Superior, and the place was packed. Mass proceeded as normal for the most part. However, after the closing song the organist played the national anthem. That raised my spirits considerably.

It's almost hard to believe it's been five years since the tragic events occured. Instead of pointing fingers and devising corny theories, we should reflect on those 2,996 individuals who came from all walks of life. We should not reflect on their deaths, but rather their lives.

Somewhere, there may be one or more person who will be inspired by Lynn Angell and the other 2,995 people. It could very well be you or me.

God Bless America.

UPDATE: David Angell is honored by Carly.

For more tributes, visit
The Project 2,996 website

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Sports Desk----THE RETURN!!

It's September, and you know what that means. Yep, sports up the wazoo!!

The "No Crying in Baseball!!" Department:

Baseball is winding down, which means by now the Brewers have been elimnated from contention (damn!), and the pennant races are heating up. Playoff-wise, I've decided to hitch my wagon to the Detroit Tigers; I hate the Twinkies, the White Sox won it last year, and the Cards will find a way to choke. Oh, yawn, it's the Yankees again. Who's leading the West?

Meanwhile, I cringed watching the highlights of the Marlins' no-hitter last night. Somewhere I swear I heard Tom Hanks scream "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!!!" Unless you get hit in the nuts with a 90 MPH pitch.

"Foosball is the Devil!" Department

The NFL is here, and along with it hordes of drunken fantasy football-addicted folks. I'm rooting for my beloved Broncos all the way once more. It'll be fun seeing the surprise team, the shocking disappointing team, which big-name player tears his ACL, and the latest Viking scandal.

College wise, I can't wait to see the Big Ten race. Ohio State has a biig game with Texas that could shape the national championship for the remainder of the year. The Badgers don't play the Buckeyes (yay!) but aren't expected to contend for the title (boo!). I can't see Penn State having another successful year, but I could be wrong. Minnesota will hopefully suck.

"Green, Green, Green!" Department

The Chase for the Nextel Cup is almost here. Once the checkered flag flies at Richmond, we could have as many as eleven guys in the playoff. That would mean Kasey Kahne would need to have a helluva race, and that Jimmie Johnson and Matt Kenseth do extremely poorly.


Johnson and Kenseth are in.

I'll say NASCAR breathes easier as Gordon and Junior both make it in.

As for who may miss the Chase, I'll go insanely far on a limb and say that Tony Stewart fails to make it in. We've already had a Chase without the two biggest names in NASCAR, so it'd be interesting seeing the Chase without the defending champion.

Next Monday, the Sports Desk will air in its usual time slot with the sport recaps. It'll be posted after the 9/11 tribute later that evening. Stay tuned, and enjoy the action!!