Now with 50% more fail!


Monday, October 16, 2006

Doughnut Derby: WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

And that would be the Oakland Raiders, whose record went to 0-5 after a loss to the Broncos (yaay!). Congratulations Oakland, you officially suck!!

As you know, we started Week Six with four Derby contenders.

Detroit scored the first Swizzle Stick of the day with a 20-17 win over the hapless Bills.
Tennesee held off the Redskins 25-22 for their Swizzle Stick.
Finally, Tampa Bay earned their Swizzle Stick, albeit in a slightly controversial fashion, by holding on to a 14-13 win over the Bengals.

Week Seven Matchups

Byees: Bears, Titans, Rams, Saints, 49ers, Ravens

Steelers vs. Falcons: Yeesh, this one's a bit difficult. Neither team's done terribly well this season, so I'll base it on Week Six. Steelers, but it'll be close.

Patriots vs. Bills: Logic says pick the Pats.

Panthers vs. Bengals: The Panthers are beginning to show why many experts picked them to go all the way this year. I'll pick Carolina by a TD.

Jaguars vs. Texans: Jaguars, seeing as they had a bye and therefore are a bit fresh.

Chargers vs. Chiefs: Remember that old Snickers ad where the old guy mispells "Chiefs?" I'll pick the Chefs in an upset.

Packers vs. Dolphins: Guess this movie; "What the hell's Brett Favre doing here?" "I'm in town to play the Dolphins, ya dumbass." Miami by 50.

Lions vs. Jets: Boy, we really don't have any high profile games yet, do we? Ehh, Jets.

Eagles vs. Buccaneers: Donovan is showing some vulnerability. Upset Number Two for Tampa.

Broncos vs. Browns: Broncos by 60.

Redskins vs. Colts: the '72 Dolphins are now watching intently. Peyton and Co.lts will disappoint them for another week.

Cardinals vs. Raiders: Yeah, Cardinals.

Vikings vs. Seahawks: Yeesh. The Seahawks do have a definite home crowd advantage. I'll pick them out of my intense hatred for the 'Queens.

Monday Night: Cowboys vs. Giants, because we're freakin' sick and tired of He Who Shall No Longer Be Named, so ESPN's rubbing it in. Bastards. Giants by 16.

The Martinsville Massacre: Umm, Tony Stewart sweeps.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Doughnut Derby Week Five

Finally! For the first time since the Derby started, all four remaining teams lost. But how?

Tennessee had the upset special going, but Peyton Manning and Co.lts were able to rally for a one-point win.

Detroit actually led for most of the game, but let it slip in the Humpty Dump in the 4th quarter.

Tampa Bay also led, but Reggie Bush and the Saints were not to be denied.

Finally, Oakland continued to show why this season is doomed to be hopeless in their outing with the 49ers.


Byes: Browns, Colts, Vikings, Jaguars, Patriots, and Packers. Word has it the bye is a ten point favorite over the latter team.

Giants vs. Falcons: an interesting matchup. I'll give the slight edge to Atlanta.

Panthers vs. Ravens: not sure how tonight's game will go, but since I hate the Ravens, I'll go with Carolina.

Texans vs. Cowboys: The battle of the Lone Star State teams. Dallas may be reeling after their highly publicized letdown with the Eagles, so I'll go with Houston in the upset special.

Bills vs. Lions: hmm. Detroit is showing some good offensive signs, and Buffalo got their asses stomped by Chicago. Another upset pick, this time for the Lions.

Eagles vs. Saints: Can we declare a ban on Eagles news for two weeks? New Orleans by three.

Seahawks vs. Rams: No Shaun Alexander was bad against the Bears, but I don't think he'll be missed that much against St. Louis. Seattle rebounds and picks up the W.

Bengals vs. Buccaneers: I'm out of upset picks for this week. Bengals.

Titans vs. Redskins: Ditto. 'Skins.

Dolphins vs. Jets: Hmm, which team sucks less? No pick.

Chiefs vs. Steelers: The Steelers can't lose three in a row, can they? In this case, no.

Chargers vs. 49ers: If they never wear those hideous powder blue uniforms again, I'l pick San Diego.

Sunday night: Raiders vs. Broncos. You're fucking insane if you think Oakland will win. Denver by 1,000.

Monday night: Bears vs. Cardinals. Ooh, it's Matt Leinart! Meet Brian Urlacher, you pretty boy. Bears 549, Cards 1.

Baseball picks: Mets in six, Tigers in seven.

Bank of America 500 prediction: huge fucking fight occurs in the pits. Insert which crews here. Ahh, hmm....Kasey Kahne sweeps.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Doughnut Derby Week Four

Believe it or not, we're down from seven to four Derby contenders. Who earned Swizzle Sticks?

The first are the Browns, who rallied to beat the Raiders.

The Chiefs earned theirs by shutting out the 49ers.

The big surprise? The Texans, upsetting the slightly better favored Dolphins.


Tennessee: lousy game against the Cowboys marred by extreme fuckup committed by Alfred Haysneworth. The new commish finally gets to make his first statement; he's not going to tolerate shit like stomping on guys' unprotected heads.

Oakland: blew a lead to the Browns.

Lions: give 'em credit though, they did hang in there with the Rams.

Tampa Bay: Had a bye week.

WEEK FIVE MATCHUPS, now with snarky predictions

Bye, bye, byes: Falcons, Bengals, Seahawks, Texans. The four Doughnuts are in play!

Browns vs Panthers: ah, I don't think Cleveland will make it two in a row. Carolina's been gaining some steam now with Steve Smith back.

Bills vs. Bears: Bears 200, Bills 4.

Rams vs. Packers: The Aaron Rodgers Era finally begins. The Rams subsequently kick his ass.

Titans vs. Colts: Pity the insane folk that'd actually pick the Titans. Colts in a massacre.

Lions vs. Vikings: this may be moved to Monday night due to the Twinkies in the playoffs. I'll go for the upset and say the Lions. And the A's.

Dolphins vs. Patriots: every other year, Miami actually beats them. Not this time.

Buccaneers vs. Saints: for all the hype, Reggie Bush has done jack shit on the field. Still, the Saints win.

Chiefs vs. Cardinals: The Matt Leinart Era begins. The Chiefs kick his ass, too.

Jets vs. Jaguars: two weeks ago, Jacksonville was being touted as the team to beat in the AFC South. The Colts said otherwise. I'll give the Jags the edge over the Jets.

Raiders vs. 49ers: in the 80s, this would've been a marqee game. Now it's just the Bay City Toilet Bowl. The Raiders get flushed again.

Cowboys vs. Eagles: I refrain from commenting because this is the only sports news you'll hear about on ESPN till kickoff.

Sunday nighter pits Pittsburgh against San Diego. Both teams are reeling, but San Diego's been more consisent.

Monday night, Ravens vs. Broncos. Right now I'm saying about fifty rosaries and praying a lot more for my Broncos.

Oh yeah, since it's now baseball playoff time: GO TIGERS!