Now with 50% more fail!


Friday, March 24, 2006

Proof That God Does Indeed Exist

This warmed my cold little cheesehead heart. The article's too short to excerpt.

From's no way I could make this shit up.

Man Jumps in Harbor With 8-Month-Old Baby After Stabbing Girlfriend

Friday, March 24, 2006

NEW YORK — A man stabbed his ex-girlfriend, then jumped off a dock into the waters off Staten Island with their 8-month-old son, police said.

A police officer responding to the incident Thursday morning jumped into the water and was able to rescue the infant, who was floating on his back about 20 feet from shore.

"It was crying. It was in distress," said Officer Brian Sheehy.

The father, 32-year-old Charles Walker, was submerged for at least 10 minutes before he was pulled out of the water. He was pronounced dead at St. Vincent's Hospital.

The infant was listed in stable condition at the hospital, police said.

Police spokesman Sgt. Michael Wysokowski said the man had stabbed his ex-girlfriend before police found him at the dock.

What's the moral? Be an asshole and try to kill your girlfriend and infant child, and God will strike you down.

It does leave unknown the fate of the child's mother, though.

The baby, for surviving a dangerous situation when his homicidal old man doesn't, receives THE GOLDEN DEW AWARD.

Yeah, I just made that award up, but now this blog has some sort of honor to present for certain stories. This story just happened to have the first recipient.

Lenten Cuss Box Count, Week Three

Yawn....I'm really tired right now. Yep, lack of caffeine. And sleep. I think I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

Anyhoo, on with this week's tally.

WORD MOST FREQUENTLY USED: Fuck, in an upset!! Maybe I should rant less about the educational system.

WORD LEAST USED: Where the hell was hell?

WORD I'D THOUGHT I'D HAVE USED MORE OFTEN: I guess I didn't have shit to say.





There you have it. Lent's halfway over, and I'm over five bucks worth of swearing. At this rate I'll have cussed about a couple hundre times by Easter.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Vox Blankuli...Oh Shit, What Installment Would This Be?

Happy spring, bitches!!!

I saw robins on Sunday; that was a good a sign as any that Old Man Winter can now kiss my fat ass.

Speaking of spring, Turd Boy had Spring Break already. Yeah, hold Spring Break before March 20...fucking genius. Fortunately Turd Boy isn't into going in hot climates and making girls strip and stuff, so he came home. There's nothing like having the kid gracing us with his humor and his farts. I can't wait till Easter when he'll be back.

Meanwhile, shit's going down in our white trash podunk kickass nowhere near any mountain town. People are pissing and moaning about the Hawkins school closing down or the fact that Wal-Mart's coming. I'm surprised RCMH hasn't issued a report saying they've seen people with hot coals shoved up their asses with all the hot air being blown around. People need to calm their asses down.

Speaking of, you'd think the fucking school district was going to shut down if this referendum now would fail. IT'S THEIR FUCKING FAULT FOR NOT MANAGING CASH RIGHT!! The fuckers on the school board make the Enron guys look legal. They never should have given the outgoing administrator a nice retirement package when he did jack shit and made us kids look like fucking assbags. Karma's a bitch now, isn't it dumbfuckers? VIVA FLAMBEAU, ASSBAGS!!

Let's see, now I'm worked up...maybe some Dew will calm me down. Yeah....that did it.

LOVED South Park last night. Absofuckinlutely loved it. Expect a post up by this weekend on it. If this episode doesn't win an Emmy, it'll be a travesty. Well, co-nominate it with "Trapped in the Closet."

Emm.....I really can't think of anything else to say, other than once again I've probably made a considerable amount to the Cuss Box. Damn fucking school board!

OK, More Dew....good night everybody!

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Lenten Cuss Box, Week Two

It's time again, bitches!!

Using the Offical Math of The Olson Files (Fuzzy Math!), I've calculated two posts' worth of profanity.

WORD MOST FREQUENTLY USED: Shit repeats with 11 uses

WORD LEAST USED: A tie between vagina, damn, piss, bastards, whores, anus, and pussy. George Carlin is somewhere cringing.


TOTAL CUSS WORDS: 31. That almost tied last week's!

Using Fuzzy Math once again...



Yeah, I guess a buck's difference is different. Considering the shit I read on the internet, maybe I can make that up next week.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Vox Blankuli, Part Whatever the Hell It Was Last Time

Yeah, I should've gotten my ass over here sooner to post random thingies, but shit happened quite often. When all else fails, it's time for VOX BLANKULI!!

First fucking snowed most of the week. Well, just Monday, but we almost had two fucking feet of snow. TWO FUCKING FEET!! We must have been spoiled this winter with the 40-degree temps in January so when it does snow, we're automatically pissing and moaning.

Compared to the tornadoes that caused disaster in Missouri and that, I should stop bitching.

Come to think of it, there was one of those joke paper thingies that you'd make copies of and pass to your co-workers and friends, with a mock journal entry of a person that moved to Wisconsin. It all appears to be sunshine and shit, but wait until it snows....and snows...and snows. I'm gonna have to find that, 'cause that was funny as hell. I remember having a copy tucked into my copy of Poems Lewd and Lusty back in the mid-'90s. That would've made me about a fifth grader, but back then I enjoyed reading poems about sex, bodily functions, filthy parodies, and the infamous poem about the man blinded by turds. I should be lucky I didn't take that to school.

Of course, most of you know I went to a Catholic school. Yep, that would've been perfectly appropriate. Ow, my cheek hurts. Of course, that didn't stop us from being reckless bastards. Recess brings back fond memories of the junior high kids smashing home runs onto the church roof (maybe that's why it needed to be replaced years later), nonstop rounds of King of the Mountain (nothing like wintertime violence), and the secret circles where kids told each other profane jokes. I learned most of my Polish and Chinese jokes at parochial school.

Yeah, that's the private school system. Get your vouchers, bitches, and learn shit on the playground!!

Yeah....BLANK THIS!!!

Maybe I can chalk up the ranting so far to MARCH MADNESS. Well, either that or Blame Bush.

It'll be a miracle if I'm not basketballed out by Monday. College hoops, WIAA Boys Hoops, the Miami HEEEEEEEEEEET! (yeah, we dig Shaq up here), hell, even the Bucks are doing decent. So let's see, about five hundred hours of hoops, subtract about a hundred for Letterman, NASCAR, South Park and Whose Line? and I think my weekend's set.

Oh yeah, knock off a few since I'm getting a new prescription. Not only will I read shit better, I may actually write better stuff than this.


Tomorrow's one of the biggest drinking days of the year...St. Patrick's Day. Nothing says marking the celebration of the man who drove snakes from Ireland by getting wasted on colored beer (doesn't Miller Lite have an ad about this?).

My siblings already have their night planned....get wasted (well, maybe not Turd Boy), then do the Irish Drinking Song. Eat that, FCC....improv can be educational, otherwise you wouldn't have Czechwegians singing Irish Drinking Song.

Oh yeah...if you get drunk, for the love of God let somebody sober drive.


Who are the Ad Wizards that came up with:

  • "Un-pimping" one's ride...with a shitty Volkswagen. Shit, if MTV pimped my Saturn, I wouldn't trade for a VW...unless it was a Dew-addled slugbug.
  • What the hell is the Order of the Serpentine? Is that the new Scientology? COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, TOM CRUISE!
  • MDX....animals singing Lionel Richie kinda freak me out
  • As I've said before, I don't think Jim Henson imagined Kermit and the gang being commercial whores. Cars and pizza? I can't wait for the Bunsen Honeydew/Beaker promotional ad for Brokeback Mountain.
  • Why are all the shitty ads aired constantly while ones I really like rarely air?
  • The movies that appear to feature gruesome fucking violence, yet end up with PG-13 ratings. C'mon!!!
  • Those Sierra Mist ads.
  • Pretty much every cell phone, internet provider, or computer shit ad.
  • Girls Gone close to the Apocalypse as you can get. I swear I saw an ad for Guys Gone God.

I wish I had TiVO.


Isaac Hayes quit SP because they ripped Scientology a new one. Chef's a Scientologist. Isaac cited intolerance. Matt Stone called bullshit, saying he never had a problem with any other episode mocking some group.

I agree with Matt. Look at who they've mocked in nine seasons: Catholics, Jews, Scientologists, cults, Democrats, Republicans, atheists, Special Olympians, the AARP, gays, straights, males, females, and Canadians. Especially Canadians....see the movie.

You know, that's kinda weird. The Canadians invaded Colorado pretty damn fast. They must've invaded the Northwest, Montana and Idaho. So according to Matt and Trey, the Upper Midwest is the last line of defense. Shit!

Speaking of, I hope they have "Not Without My Anus" on this year....that's the infamous April Fools' Episode where Terrance and Phillip must save Canada from Saddam Hussein. Heh...Scott....Ugly Bob...Celine Dion.....the CFL game between the Roughriders and the Roughriders. This may be my all-time favorite ep not featuring the four boys as the principals.

Before this turns into nothing but swearing and fart jokes, Vox Blankuli stops for now. Tomorrow, more ranting, and the Cuss Box update. I think I may have matched last week's total in this post alone.

Friday, March 10, 2006

The Lenten Cuss Box....Week One

It's that time again! OK, actually the first time. As you may or may not remember (probably the latter), I announced the creation (or Simpsons ripoff) of the Lenten Cuss Box. I'd tally up the cusses made in my posts per week, with a nickel for each word going into the Cuss Box. The final tally will be announced April 15 (tax day, ironically), when the amount will go into the Easter collection.

Here we go....with the assistance of The Official Calculator of The Olson Files. That's right, kiddies, good ol' fuzzy math.

TOTAL CUSS COUNT, WEEK ONE: 51, including variations, excluding intentional asterisks or blanks.

So, let's see.....using Good Ol' Fuzzy Math again...



MOST FREQUENTLY USED CUSS: Shit. This automatically counts towards next week's tally.

LEAST USED WORD: Pussy. Yipes.

WORD I THOUGHT I'D HAVE USED A BIT MORE: Hell, used five times.

Yeah. So that's $2.55 in the box already, and we still have about a month left. We'll have to see how much more irate I get when it comes to certain things.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Meanwhile, in these Neck of the Woods....

Yeah, I haven't posted much about God's, my county.

First off, my nephew Bo-Bo had an exciting bus ride to school today. It was a normal trip until the bus driver saw flashing lights behind him. Of course, the poor bastard thought he did something wrong until the pig---er, cop, asked to see two high school girls. Turned out the girls were flipping off the cop. Heh. God, I wish I would've been there to see that. I probably would have been arrested for laughing my ass off.

Meanwhile, speaking of asses, half the county is going to Madison on Friday to watch the Flambeau Farmers---whoops, Lumberjack bias there----Falcons girls play in the D4 Semifinals. They're playing Rio. WHERE THE HELL IS RIO? Did they have some other name, then listen to Duran Duran and decide to change it, or what? Yeah, chances are Flambeau'll win, then they'll face either Barneveld or Wausau Newman. Nothing's more entertaining than Catholic girls kicking other Catholic girls' asses. Believe me on that one. That being said, Barneveld will claim the gold ball.

Ahh, memories. About three years ago, the town was getting excited over the Lumberjacks in the sectional finals. I didn't go to either of the games, since I was in Waukesha. It took a phone call from Turd Boy to let us know the Jacks were heading to state. Considering the events at the time (it was about half a year since the F3 tornado), the county was in a very good mood.

Which was made better one week later when Dave Siverling nailed a layup with half a minute left to clinch the Division 3 championship. I think there's still some euphoria left over. Combined with Mike Newkirk winning the heavyweight wrestling title two weeks before, this put us over the edge. Just think of it as the effects of waaay too much Mountain Dew. Yaaahhhh!!

There is one big news story coming from my sounds like we're getting ourselves a Wal-Mart. Well, considering there's less than 10,000 people in this county, that's big news. Of course there's people having shit fits that "it's going to hurt the local businesses." WHAT FUCKING LOCAL BUSINESSES? Considering 90% of Ladyvillers drive 40-50 miles to do their damn shopping, this might keep their asses here. The only business it'll hurt are the gas stations. When you have nothing but bars and gas stations as the goddamn economy, you need more fucking stores!!!

Deep breath....deep breath.....think of the cuss box. OK, I think I'm calm now. Yeah, I guess we'll just have to see how this turns out. It'll save me a helluva lot of gas money.

Speaking of money, looks like the Cuss Box will grow a little. Before it goes up more, time to tie up the strings on this.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Presenting.....THE LENTEN CUSS BOX!!!

Or, "What happens when it snows in Wisconsin."

This morning started out perfectly fine. Woke up with about 2o minutes to get dressed and ready for Mass. Yeah, I like working under very short time restraints.

Anyways, I do get to church just barely. After Mass, I find out that the Operation Rice Bowl boxes are in the lobby. As a tradition, I pick up the box and use it for loose change. Whatever change I have by Good Friday goes into the Easter collection.

This year, I'm doing things a little different. Since I have a filthy mouth (pretty surprising for a Catholic conservative, isn't it?), I'm instituting a new policy for myself. For every profanity posted on this blog between now and Easter, I throw five cents in the box.

I'm only counting "Here, Pussy!" once, though. Unless I change the little blurby shit into another profane Whose Line? quote. Chances are that's highly likely.

"But Hannah," most of you are probably not thinking, "Simpsons did it!" Yes, that's where I got the idea.

For those of you who may not remember that episode, Marge got pissed off at Homer (and possibly Bart) for their constant foul language. She came up with "The Cuss Jar," where Homer would have to throw change in every time he swore. Sure enough, the thing filled up pretty damn fast. But Homer didn't stop swearing; in fact, he swore so much in front of the Flanders kids they though it was perfectly acceptable to use those words.

Back on topic, I'm going to do a weekly count of cusses and other profane words. Each Friday, the Cuss Count will be posted with the amount of change going into the box based on the number of curse words used. For argument's sake, any posts currently on the page up to this point will be counted. I figure rather than trying to give up swearing (In Wisconsin? Are you fucking nuts?), I'd penalize myself and stuff.

That being said, I'm going to sing along to "It's Hard Being A Pimp." Shit, yeah.

The Lenten Cuss Box campaign has officially begun!!!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

From the "Seriously, I Can't Make this Shit Up" Department

A few worthwhile links for you to kill brain cells at.


Yeah, I thought he was still broke. I hope he uses AdSense.


And finally, proof that drugs are indeed bad, M'kay? Instead of running to Canada and loading up on cheap medications and shit, read this nutcase's essay.

WHOOPS!!! I dissed Canada! I love Canada! In fact, if they ever get pissed off at us and invade the US, the Muddogs, Yoopers and Cheeseheads will be the first to surrender. YEAAAAHHHH!

NOTE: "But Hannah," you may say, "why wouldn't they invade the Dakotas, eh?"

The answer: we're too fucking drunk to notice anything going on around us. But we'll gladly get along with our new lords and master, the McKenzie brothers. Beauty!!

Oh, yeah, back to the original topic. The following link gives us a reason why we should not do drugs, not listen to hip hop shit, and stay in school.

What happens when a chronic-addled numbnuts attempts to write an essay? Pure hilarity. Check out the stuff that happens in the magenta-ish page, especially the Billy Mays shit. Seeing as how I hate that Oxy Clean schilling bastard, I had to make an emergency pit stop if you know what I mean.

Yeah, without spoiling the fun anymore, linkage:

And go Canada, eh!!