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Friday, October 28, 2005

GSWF Retro: Tournament Main Event!!

Yeah, a few days late but here's the last segment of Retro. I've got some notes and crap after this, so keep your derriere in your chairiere. ;)

(fade in on arena, buzzing with excitement)
JR: "We're back, live! We're almost moments away from the biggest rematch of all time! How did we get to this point in time? (cue appropriate clips) It all started with the Sony ECM-51 on a Pole match pitting Wheel of Fortune's two big names against each other. Chuck Woolery and Pat Sajak duked it out for sometime until the Letter Turners exacted revenge years in the making. In the end, Vanna White surprised everyone by grabbing the mic first to advance to Round 2."
Bill: "In the next match, Louie Anderson faced off against Monty Hall in the dreaded Inferno Match. Louie had the advantage for much of the match until Richard Karn showed up to help Monty score the win."
Jerry: "Match 3---Ahhh! Capture the Chuck Barris Midget! Rip Taylor almost knocked off Richard Dawson, had it not been for Puppies! Puppies!"

JR: "Gretchen Dawson helped her hubby capture the midget to go up against Vanna in Round 2. After that, Michael Burger cheap-shotted Bob Eubanks to score the easy win in the Strap Match."
Jerry: "Then, it was more than Bashword....It's BASHWORD PLUS!! Allen Ludden served as ref as Alex Trebek and Paul Lynde attempted to solve the Bashword puzzle to move on. Due to some fluke, Paul went on! Ahhh!"
Bill: "And the match I looked forward to saw Garry Moore and Henry Morgan whale the crap out of each other in the Chainsaw Match. We just got the news that they'll be back in a matter of weeks. Either way, it granted the winner of B4 a bye."

JR: "The fans went berzerk during the next match; the people's host, Gene Rayburn, squared off against the Lady Inquizitor, aka Amy MacGuffin. In a treat for fans, game show fan David Letterman presided over the madness with the Dr. Philnata Match It was no contest as the people's host delivered, not only by beating Dr. Phil to a blanking pulp, but by advancing to face off against the Center Square."
Bill: "Bill Rafferty, the Unsung Emcee, took out Jeff Probst early in Last Man Standing, guaranteeing Bill a shot in the semifinals."

Jerry: "We got Vowels! Vowels! In the first quarterfinal, Cliffhangers! John Davidson got to play Hans, Brett Somers got pissed because someone stole her hotel keys, and Richard Dawson sent Vanna to Bonus Land....right into John. This set up a potential match between MG host and MG panelist! Agggh!"
Bill: "Round 2 was shortened a bit due to interferences on both sides. Pat Bullard locked Monty Hall in the locker room, causing Michael Burger to win by count-out. Not to be outdone, Commissioner CNR took out Paul Lynde with a vehicle, setting up MG Host/MG Panelist."

JR: "But were the fans treated to a slobberknocker---the SHOWCASE SMACKDOWN! Gene Rayburn and Richard Dawson beat the living hell out of each other using a bunch of standard TPiR crap. It could've gone either way, but Gene used the car to his advantage. Add to that an appearance by The Other Gene, He Who Dances, aka the then-Hardcore Champ, and we had something brewing. In the end, Match Game fans everywhere were satisfied as Richard won the Hardcore belt and Gene scored the double pin to make it to the finals."
Bill: "And his opponent? You guessed it, Michael Burger, thanks to the GSNWO in the Dumpster Match. Right now, the commish is planning on spinning the wheel himself to stop the shenanigans. Also, there's rumors of Match Game '98 panelists in the building. If they cross paths with the '7X gang, we're gonna have ourselves a wild time; and the belt may be in limbo for another week."
JR: "And it leads right up to this moment! Let's go to our ring announcer Johnny Olsen."

(cut to Johnny O. in ring)
Johnny O.: "Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is to determine the new GSWF Champion. First, please welcome our special guest referee, from such shows as, well, Jeopardy! The Genial Gentleman himself, Mr. Art Fleming!"
(loud cheers as 60s Jeopardy "Think" music plays and chants of "(cuckoo) it, Trebek!" erupt. Art is in a two piece ref's uniform as he holds the GSWF title belt in his arms and enters ring)
JR: "That's a huge surprise! Art has not appeared in the GSWF since the 70s! A large show of support for the great."

Art: "Thank you, thank you! I don't think I would've gotten here without the support of one person in my life who kept encouraging me to return to some sort of position in the GSWF. That person was not George Vosburgh. (loud laughter) Anyway, Mr. Olsen, please introduce our contestants."
Johnny O.: "Will do! (MG '7X theme plays. Fans once again spill their beer in excitement, and others just stand around waving their giant foam blue cards)Our first challenger, the A Bracket Champion, all the way from Studio 33 via New York. The star of Match Game---"
Audience, along with Johnny: "Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(Gene enters, albeit with a slightly pained look on his face, mainly because of the match against Dawson. Fans still cheer, and one woman's brave enough to show off her, eh, dimples)
JR: "The People's Host, showing some effects from Showcase Smackdown, enters the ring, and gives the fans an acknowledgement. The fans are still bitter over the reversal in the first place, as well as those cheering for our next fighter."
Johnny O.: "And his challenger (NWO music plays, then fuses into MG '98 theme), from the GSNWO, the B Bracket Champion, Michael Burger!"
(mixed cheers as Michael hurriedly enters ring, showing no signs of injury. He attempts to get a bit closer to Gene, but Art stands his ground)

Art: "Mr. Rayburn, Mr. Burger. You two are going at this alone. No interference from the GSNWO, no interference from Dawson or Somers. (to Gene) And please keep your wife in the back. At this point I'd like to have the set technicians lower the Gimmick Wheel."
(wheel is lowered, fans chant "Armageddon!")
JR: "The fans have their pick, but let's see what gets brought up here."
Art: "Mr. Burger, you have been deemed the challenger, so I now ask you to spin the wheel."
(Michael scoffs as he gives Wheel spin. It goes around quite a few times)
JR: "It could be Hot Potato. The Jacket Match. Yes, even Armageddon."
Bill: "The wheel's slowing...."
Jerry: "I can't stand the suspense! Agggh!"
Art: "And it's landed on......HARD TEN! (crowd gasps) The rules, please, Mr. Olsen. (Johnny O. hands Art a piece of paper). The Hard Ten's rules are as follows; it's a hardcore, no disqualification match, with the exception of your stable. Points are scored for certain moves. A strong attack nets you a point. A pinfall will score you five points. But, your finisher and a pinfall combined will give you ten. The first opponent to score ten points will win the title. (holds up belt) But, we have some business to attend to. these commercials!"
(fade out, no ads please)

(fade in on GSN ad)
Announcer: "Blah blah blah, you know the drill! Newlyweds, Newlyweds, Newlyweds! Now shut the hell up!"

(fade in on arena. Art, after receiving a signal from the cameraman, calls for bell. Michael immediately sends Gene sprawling with a stiff kick in the stomach. Art calls for one tiny ding)
JR: "The Hard Ten match has now begun, but is now a 1-0 slobberknocker. Burger with the advantage, but is deciding to soften up Rayburn, rather than score all his points at once."
Jerry: "Now that's smart thinking!"
Bill: "Michael seems to have it mapped out--and there's a fireman's slam. 2-0, Burger."
JR: "I don't know, but right now my gut's saying the belt's gonna go back to that no-good sonofablank---"
Jerry: "Watch the mouth! Aggh!"

(Michael continues the weakening attack for sometime before taunting the crowd. He then powerbombs Gene. Art calls for third bell)
JR: "It ain't looking good for the people's host right now, I'll tell you that."
Bill: "Gene just can't get any offense in. Michael keeps knocking him down, he's got trouble trying to keep up."
(as Bill says this, the GSNWO slowly approach. MacGuffin immediately runs down to the ring to distract Art. The rest follow, and as Art isn't looking, interfere. Fans start booing. The GSNWO hurry back into the stands, and Michael gives Gene another powerbomb. Art scores four)

JR: "Now this just ain't fair! Art Fleming's being deceived by that Jezebel!"
Bill: "It seems that Michael has all the breaks in this! And Amy's back to distract him, Art's not looking though...Ugh! Another powerbomb! That's four. Michael has dug the grave, another strong move combined with the pinfall will do it."
(Michael sets up Gene for his finisher, the Burger King {the Fameasser}. Crowd starts booing and tossing beer bottles. Michael follows through)
JR: "And here he is, going for the pin. 1------2------"
(out of nowhere, Gene kicks out. Fans' jaws drop)
Bill: "OH MY GOD!"
Jerry: "Agggh!"
(Michael is stunned and starts bickering with Art. Amy once again shows up with the GSNWO in tow, and are about to start another beatdown, but..)

Bill: "Who's that! Someone's just ran into the ring, and superkicked Pat Bullard. It's----Allen Ludden! (loud cheers) And someone else's shown up to assist Allen. He just took out Gary Kroeger with the Double Overbid----BOB BARKER!"
(loud cheers)
JR: "The cavalry's arrived! Oh MY! And here comes Bert Convy! Is it just me or--?"
Jerry: "The Boyz are back in town! Agggggghhhh!"
JR: "The Boyz are back! The Goody-Toddy Boyz are back!"
Bill: "This has been the first time since the 70s that the Boyz have joined up to fight off another stable!"

(while Bert, Bob, and Allen assist in beating up the GSNWO, Michael and Amy scurry out of the ring near the back. They near the announcers' table to grab a ladder. Michael hurries back. Amy stands near the table taunting everyone, until Bill stands up, grabs his chair, and brains Amy with it. Crowd goes nuts)
Jerry: "Agggh! Not you too!"
JR: "It's not the Goody-Toddy Boyz without Bill Cullen! Now we can call it a reunion!"

(Bill heads towards the ring to give the other Boyz the assist. Michael is able to hit Gene with the ladder. Art scores another point. The Boyz, by this time, have taken the GSNWO out of the ring, leaving the two fighters and Art in the ring once again. Michael leaves the ring again and grabs a table)
JR: "And he's up 5 love, all he has to do is score some sort of pinfall. Right now, I think he's out for blood."
Michael: "That belt's MINE, Rayburn!"
Jerry: "Not before you pin him, dope!"
(Michael sets up table and drags Gene up with him. He attempts another Burger King, but Gene is able to knock Michael off, thanks to the G-T Boyz buying him time to get stronger)
JR: "And Gene's climbed down the ladder! What is he going to do?"
Jerry: "It's----the Old Man Periwinkle Suplex!"
(crowd goes nuts)
JR: "This is the weakest move in Gene's offense! He can't get any points, but he sure as hell can do as many as possible!"
Jerry: "The advantage is slowly turning in favor of the people's host!"
(Pat Bullard attempts to run in the ring, but the Goody-Toddy Boyz stop him. After a series of weak suplexes and an uppercut, Gene is able to execute a weak legdrop; not enough to score a point, but enough to make Michael really, really dizzy.)

JR: "And Gene's now adjusting his tie. The crowd knows what's going to happen next...."
Jerry: "He's going to ask if Michael wants A or B?"
JR: "No, you (cuckoo!) idiot!"
(Gene is able to drag Michael onto the table. Seeing the ladder, he drags it nearby. The fans stand up and chant for wood.)

JR: "He's going to----No, Gene, don't! You're going to kill yourself!"
(Art moves as Gene slowly climbs the ladder. The fans grab each other)
Jerry: "No, he's going to! He's going to try to make it game, set, Match!"
(the GSNWO are finally knocked out by the Goody-Toddy Boyz. Bill sees what's going on and starts cheering Gene on)
JR: "Bill notices, and is letting the other Boyz know. It's time for the move that ended many a match, sometimes really painfully...."
(Gene reaches the top, and maintains his balance. The crowd is cheering by now.)Jerry: "It's too late now! It's now or never for him!"
(fans cheer and grab onto each others' beers)
JR: "Here it comes----THE RAYBURN DEATH DROP!!!"

(Michael looks up to see Gene fly right at him, sending him through the table. Crowd goes insane)
Jerry: "Gene's trying to get up! Agggh!!!"
(Art slides over by the two fighters)
Art: "Mr. Rayburn's covered Mr. Burger! (slapping mat) One! Two! THREE!"
(immediately gets up and signals bell. MG '7X theme plays)
Jerry: "It can't be! AGGGHHH!"
(Fans let go of each other and go nuts, flinging empty beer bottles, brassieres, foam cards, and anything else they can find. Art signals for the belt)

Art: "10-4! The match is officially over. Mr. Olsen?"
Johnny O.: "The winner of this match, and NEW GSWF Champion, Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(Art hands Gene the belt and raises his hand. The GSNWO crawl in and assist Michael in getting out of the ring. As they leave, the Goody-Toddy Boyz run in and help Gene up. They then commence celebrating)
JR: "What a night! What a night! We're outta time. Jim Ross, for Jerry Lawler and The Dean,we'll see you Thursday for Best of the GSWF! What a night!"
(camera fades out as the G-T Boyz continue celebrating)

Copyright 2003
Blanketyblank Productions.
No talk show hosts were killed during tonight's show. Unfortunately.

...short, but sweet. OK, you were very good and now you're getting some GSWF news.

Stay tuned for a "Best of GSWF" special. This is one that's nearing completion.

Of course, "The Lost Episode of GSN RAW." That'll appear after the Best of special.

And, once those are out of the way....brand new GSWF programming! NOTE: the new stuff probably won't get updated as fast as the Retro posts, mainly because I need to consume the proper amount of Dew to get the juices flowing. All I'll say is that Smackdown Plus gets a new set of commentators, and I rip off WWE with a five-letter word starting with "D." I'l let you think over that.

Don't forget; for the love of God, turn those clocks back an hour.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

GSWF Retro: Tournament Quarterfinals AND Semifinals!!

WARNING: This is kinda short, what with there only being three matches altogether. The rest is interference and stuff, but once again the main event will stand alone. Anyhoo, on with the show.

Announcer: "More violence! More blood! More boobs! Next on 'Family Feud'! Now back to RAW!"

JR: "Welcome back to the SECOND ROUND of action! The monkeys hit the speed-up button so here we go again!"
Johnny: "It's time for the second round of the tournament! Please welcome the winners of the first half of bracket A, Vanna White and Richard Dawson!"
JR: "Gimmick Wheel rules apply here, and Vanna will get the spin."
Johnny: "And here's our special guest referee for the match.....the guy that hosted Hollywood Squares before Tom Bergeron! (silence) Oh. John Davidson, people!"
(HS '86 music plays. Somewhere in the audience Nelly and Kelly are howling)

John: "Holy crap, I'm gonna get a paycheck for the first time in ages! Uh, Vanna, spin the wheel!"
(Vanna spins, keeping one hand on her uppers.....the wheel slows down.....)
JR: "What is it?"
John: "It's the famed CLIFFHANGERS MATCH!"
(cheers from crowd)
Johnny: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new guest referee! He's a man that has a stint as The Price is Right host, he also starred in Password Plus AND Split Second, but you all know him best from Name That Tune....please welcome Tom Kennedy!"
(audience stands and cheers)
John: "But I need the money! What am I going to do now?"
Tom: "I think I know.....Roger!!!!!"
(Roger Dobkowitz, usually the RAW ref, enters the ring with some climbing gear)Vanna: "Can I buy a clue and ask what's going to happen?"
Richard: "Our survey SAYS!"
(FF clang SFX)
Bill: "John Davidson does get some role tonight, don't he?"
(John is hoisted onto the lifesize Cliffhangers set waaaaay up in the rafters....viewers that remember Bill Rafferty's experience in this match will know what I'm talking about)

Tom: "OK, the rules are as follows. It's just a real-life version of Cliffhangers. I'll show you three products that Rod Roddy will read off, and you have to see how close you are to the price. Whoever's closest wins the prize, but the person that gets it wrong forces Hans---er, John, to climb the mountain. The person that forces John to go over the cliff loses. Ready? OK Rod, what's our first item?"
Rod Roddy: "First, from Blanketyblank Industries, the famed MOUNTAIN DEW DRINKING HELMET! (crowd oohs) This state of the art helmet features a compartment that can hold up to ten two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, the official beverage of the GSWF. That's the Mountain Dew Drinking Helmet. Aspirin sold separately."
Tom: "OK, you got the item. How much does it cost"
Vanna: "A buck!"
Richard: "I'll say probably twenty!"
Tom: "Do we have a winner?(bell dings and Claudia Jordan reveals the price) It's twenty bucks! Richard wins the helmet! Vanna is off by twenty-four dollars. Start climbing Davidson!"
("Cliffhangers" Yodeling Music plays as audience claps along as John climbs up the mountain, cursing all the way)

Tom: "OK, you guys are gonna have to do something good here otherwise someone's gonna lose. Rod, what's our next item?"
Rod: "New from Dave-O industries, it's the home version of WILL IT FLOAT? Play everybody's favorite late Friday night segment! WILL IT FLOAT?, from Dave-O!"
Vanna: "It sounds like a cheapie. A hundred."
Richard: "I'll say one hundred too."
Tom: "OK, you both are saying one hundred. Are they right? (ding, Claudia shows card) It's one hundred dollars, and GSN's going to have to get rid of some monkeys! It all comes down to this. Rod?"
Rod: "It's Brett Somers' hotel keys! (crowd cheers) Generously donated by Commissioner CNR, these are the keys Brett has to that motel room in Encino. You may even stumble upon her there! Once again, that's Brett Somers' keys!"
Tom: "OK, what do you think it is?"
Vanna: " I get Gene with it too?"
(we see a woman on the horizon)

Vanna: "They're mine! You can't have them!"
Brett: "Oh yeah???? Take this you floozy blank!"
(Brett yanks on Vanna's bra straps so hard....HOW HARD? That when she lets go, she flings Vanna waaay into the ceiling......and right into John. John is flung over thanks to the flying letter toucher. Tom looks and when he sees Davidson land in the upper deck, signals for the bell)
Johnny O: "The winner, and first semifinalist, Richard Dawson!"
(cheers. Brett and Richard exchange greetings. Brett gets the keys back and runs off)
JR: "Brett Somers eliminates Vanna White from competition and sends Richard Dawson to the semis. Now, on to the ring for our next match!"

Johnny: "Please welcome our first half winners from Bracket B, Michael Burger and Monty Hall!"
(boos and chants of ***hole as Michael walks down the aisle acting like a flaming jerk)
Johnny: "Uh, where's Monty?"
(cut to back, where Pat Bullard has pulled the old forklift-in-front-of-the-face's locker room door trick.)
Johnny: "Jesus H. Murphy! I guess he won't be able to answer the ten count. Dammit, you go on!"
(crowd starts booing)
(all of a sudden Jim Perry enters the ring to the cheers of the crowd)
Jim: "Now, I may be ineligible, but I can calm the masses! We're only one match away from the semis, and I happen to be the ref for the next one! Right after this!"

(commercials. Afterwards, Paul Lynde is seen making the walk. Out of nowhere, a vehicle hits him)
JR: "What the HELL?"
Jerry: "Who was that?"
(the door opens, and it's none other than.....)
Fans: (imitating Rob Van Dam) "C-N-R! C-N-R!!"
JR: "I'll be damned. Michael Burger locks out Monty Hall and now Charles Nelson Reilly has knocked Paul Lynde outta the competition! The semis are set---"
Jim: "Dammit! What am I supposed to do now?"
Johnny: "Throw to commercial!"
Jim: "Oh. Oh, yeah! We'll be right back with the semi-finals after this!"
(CS '78 music plays)

Announcer: "What happens when you throw together a Middle Eastern leader..."

Saddamn: "I make weapons of mass destruction!"
Announcer: "....a scantily clad ex Barker's Beauty....."
Heather Kozar: "I'm nekkid!" (spills a bottle of St. Pauli Girl)
Announcer: ".....and a rapping kangaroo together?"
Kangaroo: "I'm a rapping kangaroo! My film debut is a piece of poo!"
Announcer: "You get America's favorite new wacky reality show: SADDAMN, HEATHER AND THE RAPPING KANGAROO! Coming this Spring to PAX!"

(fade back in on arena, where we see the combatants for our next match...damn those monkeys!)
Johnny O.: "Oh, we're back! Our next match pits host against panelist....and we got a first here."
Richard: "Shut up and let me spin the wheel!"
Johnny: "That's where the first comes in. Gene, do the honors of spinning the ex-Star Wheel."
(Gene spins wheel)
JR: "We still have some good gimmicks left, granted no more people pop up out of nowhere and raise hell. And the wheel's stopping.....and it's---"
(crowd starts chanting "Come on Down!")
"And you know we have to have a guest referee. So even though he reffed a match already.....Bob Barker, COME ON DOWN AND DO YOUR THING!"
(loud profane cheers)

Bob: "OK Fellers. This is the Showcase Smackdown, loosely based on our two showcases at the end of The Price is Right. Well, in this match we have one big showcase, and you two must use the prizes offered to your advantage. The winner is the first to score a pinfall. Now, Rod Roddy, tell us our showcase. Music man, CUE UP SPLENDIDO!"
(audio technician obliges and plays everybody's favorite music. The audience can't resist the urge to sing.*)

Crowd, singing:
"Ohhh yeah...
It's Nothing But Furniture!!!!
Sectional Living Room! StainMaster carpet too!

Too bad....
Nothing But Furniture!!
Elegant Dining Room, Michael C. Fina and you!!!

Aaaaand althoughhh,
The bed is soft and dee-eep,
You'll still get a good night's slee-eep
You will still have nothing there to drive!!

No Car, No Truck, No Van!

You're stuck with furniture!
Tan Broyhill furniture
Maybe some of it reclines!

You can't believe this is it!

Oh man, It's Nothing But Furniture!!
Rod Roddy's spiel is done...
Should have kept Showcase One!!

How will you get this home?
How will you get this home?"

(audience repeats this last line until Bob glares at them. They laugh and cheer for Rod to start the description.)

Rod: "The Showcase Smackdown starts with this brand new LIVING ROOM! (crowd oohs loudly as Holly Halstrom shows off the room) First, whack your opponent with this lovely set of folding chairs from EC Industries. These chairs are guaranteed to make a nice sickening noise and a sweet dent once metal meets head. Then, fling your opponent onto this lovely couch from Ashley Furniture. Will break after approximately ten finishing moves. Then, take the carnage to your BRAND NEW DINING ROOM! (crowd oohs more as Chantel Dubay and Kathleen Bradley showcase the items) Fling each other into this big (cuckoo) refrigerator from Whirlpool. It'll hurt like hell! And you can't have a proper dining room without this TABLE/CHAIR SET! From Hardyz Unlimited. Finally, let that speed demon in you out and try to run your opponent down with this BRAND SPANKING NEW CAR!"
Audience: "YEAAAHHHHHH!"
(Janice Pennington is in the drivers seat)
Rod: "The new Chevrolet Corvette features all the stuff we've said God knows how many times on this show in the past. And it can all be utilized perfectly if the Price of Pain Is Right!"
Bob: "What's your bid---uh, we'll start this match after this!"
(roll ads)

(seemingly endless commercials finally end)
JR: "And we're back, and Bob Barker has signaled for the bell."
(Richard kicks Gene in the, uh, blank. GSWF drummer performs rimshot)
Bill: "And Dawson immediately goes on the offensive, with a whip---right into the edge of that couch! That's gotta hurt! Oh, by the way, we'd like to update you on the earlier match between Garry Moore and Henry Morgan. We're glad to announce Henry now has feelings in the lower extremities and Garry no longer calls people Joe Garagiola."

Richard: "Five DAMN years! Five years I've been waiting to kick your (cuckoo)!!!!"
(picks up chair but is met with a Van Daminator off the couch. Couch's springs appear. Holly immediately wheels couch away, cursing that it only took two moves instead of ten as advertised)
JR: "Well, I guess that takes care of the couch. And-----OH!"
(Gene picks up a chair but Richard grabs his. Chairs collide, sending both emcees sprawling)
Bill: "That was right that they've demolished the living room, onward to the dining room!"
(both hosts limp towards the fridge. Gene knocks it over, spilling the contents on Richard)

Richard: "Ow! What is that?"
JR: "What is it?"
Jerry: "It's boooooze!"
Richard: "God! I smell like Napa Valley!"
Gene: "That's what you get, you drunken limey sod!" (stiff kicks Richard. Richard gets up and smashes bottle on Gene's head. Crowd roars)
JR: "That's going to leave a mark!"
(Richard seizes the opportunity and slams the fridge door on Gene's noggin a few more times. Crowd is getting into match now)
JR: "And Richard Dawson has stolen the thunder in this battle, and we have to break for commercials!"

JR: "And we're back! Over the break, not much happened. Whoa!"
(Richard's offensive continues as he gets in one more good shot)
Bill: "Dawson's used up just about all the dining room resources....oh, no!"
(Dawson gets a look at the table)
Audience: "We want wood! We want wood!"
Gene Wood: "Did someone say my name?"
Audience: "NOOOOOO!"
Richard: "I don't need your help! I'm going to do my finisher!"
Jerry: "He's going to do the Survey Stunner????"
Bill: "He's not near a's he going to do it?"

(Richard drags Gene (not Wood) onto table, and stands up the fridge once again. He looks, and then)
JR: "Off the FRIDGE!!!!"
(Dawson climbs fridge)
Richard: "My survey SAYS---"(jumps off fridge, but is greeted with a knee to the midsection. Both hosts go through the table. Fans go nuts and start flinging beverages at each other)
JR: "And there goes the dining room, and Rayburn is mounting the dreaded comeback!"
(Gene staggers, slowly picks up Richard, and sends him into the car door)

Bill: "And the destruction of the convertible is on its way!"
(Gene gets in a good few shots on Richard, then whacks him good with one of the car options....the Club)
JR: "That should knock out Dawson.....and....OH NO!"
(Gene places Richard on the hood. Inadvertently, Richard's hand hits the radio....)

Voice on Radio: "You're listening to KGNG Radio, K-Gong! This is your happening DJ Chuckie Baby spinning those 30 second gems and stinkers. We'll start another 30 minute set right after these commercials on K-Gong!"
JR: "Crap, the radio's on! We're going to lose our mics for a few moments---"
(announcers' mics cut out)
(fans start chanting as Gene climbs a nearby speaker)
Announcer: "The following block on K-Gong is brought to you by Mountain Dew, the official beverage of the GSWF. Also by Orville Redenbacher, makers of that f'ing good cheesy butter popcorn. I mean, damn, have you ever tried that stuff? It's good (cuckoo)! And by new Hot Crap pants. Now you can look like Hot Crap in Hot Crap! Now back to your DJ."
DJ CB: "Thank you Mr. Announcer! Let's start this block off with some music that'll get you jumpin....Jumpin at the Woodside! Here's the immortal Count Basie!"
("Jumpin at the Woodside" plays)

(mics return)
Bill: " know what happens when this plays...."
(females start shrieking)
Jerry: "The ladies know it, the men don't want to...."
(camera pans toward entrance)
JR: "Is it? YES! It's the legendary GSWF Janitor and Hardcore Champion, Gene the Dancing Machine!"
(females in audience continue shrieking as if they've seen Justin Timberlake naked)

Gene the Blanking Machine: "What are you doing? You're interfering in MY fight!"
Gene the Dancing Machine: "I'm sorry, I can't resist? When I hear that music, I don't stop till it does!"
Women: (albeit looking confused, chanting) "Gene! Gene! Gene!"
(the women start flinging bills at Dancing Gene, nailing announcers and male audience members in process. Another slices Dawson's pinky)
Richard: "Yeooooooww!" (gets up, clocks Dancing Gene. Gene Gene gets mad, and punches Richard. The two go at it and end up on the hood. Bob looks absolutely confused. Meanwhile, the fracas continues, and both Dawson and the Hardcore Champion fail to notice that the other combatant is still on the speaker)

JR: "I smell something really bad's about to happen."
Gene, not the Dancing Machine: "That's IT!"
(fans shut up)
JR: "NOOOOO! Don't do it!"
Jerry: "Too late----"
(Gene---alright, I'll cut out the wisecracks----jumps off speaker and right smack onto the hood where Richard and the janitor are fighting)
Bill: "Yieee! The Rayburn Death Drop!"
(Gene lands on Richard, who ends up on top of Gene Gene. Car is massively dented. Windshield glass sprays everywhere, and the alarm goes off. Bob ducks flying glass and reaches the three)

Bob: "(hitting hood) 1-2-3!!!!"(signals for bell)
Johnny: What are you doing?"
Bob: "I have two wins here! (grabs belt) By pinfall, the winner and NEW HARDCORE CHAMPION, Richard Dawson! (raises Richard's hand as Feud '76 music plays)"
(fans start cheering loudly)
JR: "So Richard Dawson wins the Hardcore belt, but what's that have to do with the match?"
Bob: "However, the tournament rules state that the current GSWF champs cannot participate. Richard just won the belt. Since he has a belt, the winner of the Showcase Smackdown as a result of disqualification is Gene Rayburn!" (raises Gene's hand)
Jerry: "WHATT??"
Bill: "He just said it. The 24-7 rule. Richard had the Dancing Machine pinned, so Bob made the three count. Dawson then became the current Hardcore champ. Barker has no choice but to make the DQ. In a sense, both Richard and Gene win!"

(fans start cheering again. Richard clutches his stomach, holding the belt. Bob plies the former champ from the car, and helps him off to the back. Richard and Gene stare for roughly three minutes...and then shake hands and walk backstage)JR: "Two of the most popular hosts, put on a helluva show. Coming up next, the second semifinal!"

(Ads end, fade in on arena sign outside, reading "TONIGHT.....GSWF RAW......SOLD OUT")
JR: "And we're back! Our combatants for the second semifinal are already in the ring, we'll go to our announcer Johnny O. to announce the referee."
Johnny: "And now, introducing our guest referee. He was to compete in the semis, but interference cost him a shot at Bill Rafferty. Here he is, the deal master himself, Monty Hall!"
(croud applauds as Monty saunters in)
Monty: "Mr. Rafferty, you're considered the challenger by a result of your bye. Please lower the Gimmick Wheel to spin your deal, and hopefully you won't get zonked by a bad stip."
(the Gimmick Wheel is lowered, and Bill gives it a good spin)
JR: "The wheel's been spun, and it all comes down to this-----"
Jerry: "Double! Double! Agggghhh!"
Bill: "It could be anything!"
Monty: "It's slowing down, and stopping....gentlemen, it's a DUMPSTER MATCH! (mixed cheers) The objective is to put your opponent into the dumpster located at the top of the ramp behind the announce table. Good luck. (signals for bell)"

JR: "And the match to determine our second finalist for the belt is underway! Rafferty is starting it off well with a volley of punches and kicks."
(Bill stiff kicks Michael in the jaw, sending him sprawling. Michael makes a weird gesture with his hand)
Bill: "I smell something rotten in the arena....and here it comes! Watch out, Bill!"
(Michael has signaled his cronies....the GSNWO, aka Pat Bullard, Amy MacGuffin, Gary Kroeger, Louie Anderson, Anne Robinson and the B**** Brigade, and The GSN AdNauseum Trio (Wilford Brimley, Billy Mays and the Bloussant Girl). Bill is about to set up another case of Sweet Chin Music, but the GSNWO storm the ring and begin the attack.)
JR: "Not this again! Michael Burger always seems to resort to cheating to win, and I think this is another indication."
Bill: "Michael will do anything, and I mean anything, to get his hands on Gene after that Armageddon Match."
(the beatdown goes on long enough for Michael to recover, drag Bill to the ramp, and empty him into the dumpster. More beer flies, and Judge Von Erik the timekeeper is knocked out by an empty can, smacking the bell with his face)Monty: "Nice going, (cuckoo)! I think I need a drink."
(crowd is getting antsy, not because of the upcoming re-match, but because they need to get even more beer)

Bill: "It's the Re-Match Game tonight! Our finals bracket has been set!"
Jerry: "My question is, will it be Armageddon Redux? Agggh!!"
JR: "I have no damn clue!"
(cut to the back where the MG '7X posse is watching the events, then cut to the GSNWO celebrating as if Michael's won the belt)
Bill: "The crowd is definitely buzzing in anticpation! It's a rematch for the titles, only there won't be anything vacant afterwards."
JR: "Damn straight! It's Battle of the Match Game Hosts Two, after this!"
(fade out)

...yep, there we go. Tomorrow, the excitng conclusion.

On a closing note....VIVA WHITE SOX!!!!! PARTY TIME, BITCHES!!

Have a great night.

*original "Nothing But Furniture" lyrics written by Scott Walker. No attempt is made to claim ownership of said lyrics.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

GSWF Retro: The Conclusion of the First Round!!!

Yep, here go with more of the first round of the GSWF Title Tournament of Doom. Who advances to the quarterfinals? Watch and see, peeps!!

(commercials end, fade in on arena)

Johnny: "Paul Lynde, come on down!
("Bob and Merrill's Theme" plays as Paul walks down the aisle)

"Alex Trebek, come on down! You are the next two contestants in the GSWF Title Tournament!
('84 Jeopardy! theme plays, crowd boos and chants unpleasantries as Alex walks)

"And our guest referee is the GSWF Intercontinental Champion! Give it up for Allen Ludden!"
("Password" theme plays, crowd chants "Hi Doll!" as Allen enters ring)

Allen: "OK, you two ready? OK, lower the Wheel! Ready, Paul?"
Paul: "I've been excited for bigger things than this!" (laughs)
(Allen rolls his eyes as Paul spins the Wheel.)
Allen: "And it's landed on.....oh my, it's my match! The BASHWORD Match! (crowd cheers) But, not only that, you landed on a gold star. That means it's more than BASHWORD...."
Audience: "It's BASHWORD PLUS!!!"
(deafening roar as P+ theme plays and ring converts into the set)

Bill: "Screw the next match, I'm interested in this one!"
Allen: "We're going to find two players to play along with this, so while we do that, we'll do this business with our viewers!"
(fade out)

(ads end, fade in on arena, which looks exactly like the set of P+. Allen is still in the ref outfit though)
Allen: "Welcome back to Bashword Plus! As you can see here, our players are Alex Trebek and Paul Lynde. Now let's meet your celebrity partners! Paul, your partner can tell the difference if you can trust or deceive. Please welcome Kennedy! And Alex, your partner knows quite a bit about hard questions too. Please welcome the host of Russian Roulette, Mark Walberg!"
(crowd starts chanting "Foe!")

Allen: "Alright, now I'll explain the rules. Bashword Plus is nothing like the show. You get one Bashword Puzzle with six instead of five words, and the team that solves it wins. Is there Alphellbetics? I'm not sure if we'll have time, but as I said, hopefully it's a short match. OK, I'll give Alex and Paul the word and we'll show it on the screen."
Johnny O., in hushed voice: "The password is 'you.'" (ding!)
Allen: "And we'll start with Alex."
Alex: "Me." (Illegal clue buzzer plays)
Allen: "Apparently you're quite stupid when it comes to playing Bashword! That was a blatant opposite here. Paul, you get the option to guess the word or to beat the crap out of-----"
(Paul goes at Trebek, engaging in of all things, a catfight. The two go at it around the ring. Allen just stands there.)
Kennedy: "This is boring. You wanna leave, Mark?" (ding ding ding!)
Allen: "Nice job, Kennedy, you guessed the word. We'll put it up on the board. Care to take a guess?"
Kennedy: "Oh, it's gotta be us!"
Allen: "Is it Kennedy and Mark?" (bell dings, P+ win music plays)
Kennedy: "So, can we go now?"
Allen: "The puzzle was GSN Originals Hosts. What were the words...YOU CAN'T COMPARE TO TODD AND CHUCK. That's seven words, you fools! Anyways, Kennedy, congratulations on sending Paul Lynde to the second round of the tournament! (HsQ win cue from 70s plays) We'll convert back to the arena after these ads."
(Alex and Paul continue fighting as we fade out)

(fade in on ad)
"Here at the GSWF, we pride ourselves on our athletes and the fine work they put in themselves! We also pride ourselves on good quality programming. No men having sex with dummies, no morons who won't sell anything, and we give all wrestlers a fair push! What happens after that is all part of the game! The GSWF, quality, for like ages!"

(fade in on arena, back to normal. During the break, security took Alex and Paul backstage)
Johnny O.: "I've Got a Secret....our next match is one you've all been waiting for! Garry Moore, Henry Morgan, both of you COME ON DOWN!
("Plink, Plank, Plunk" plays as the two enter in opposite ways. Garry comes out of the entranceway, escorted by Betsy Palmer. Henry goes through the crowd, escorted by Bess Myerson. Fans chant for puppies throughout.)
Both of you, we have a very special guest referee, but only after Garry spins the Wheel."

(Garry spins, fans chant "Hot Potato!". The wheel goes around, and lands on.....)
Crowd: "HOLY (CUCKOO!!"
Johnny O.: "Eeeek! It's a Chainsaw Match!"
JR: "Whaaat!"
Jerry: "Isn't this the banned GSWF match, the one we can't air?"
Bill: "It is, you know what that means."
Jerry: "The long GSN bumper telling us how we can write them?"
JR: "Hell no! We're going to show you a treat from the archives! I have no clue what era of GSWF we're going to see, but we have to for the sake of the kids. Roll the match!"

(clip rolls. It's a black and white clip, apparently from the 50s or 60s. Cut in on the announcer, Bud Collyer, and his partner Jan Murray)
Bud: "Welcome back to our little wrestling show. In a moment, we'll be seeing two lovely ladies go at it in the ring."
Jan: "Arlene Francis versus Kitty Carlisle...sounds too good to be true."
Announcer: "Our next match is the 'Evening Gown Match.' Please welcome our two female combatants!"
(Arlene and Kitty enter)
Referee, who looks an awful lot like Henry Morgan: "You two are probably not familiar with the stipulations for this little hoo-hah. The main goal is to tear off each other's gowns. First gal to strip the other wins."
(signals bell)
(all the men are silent as the women go at it. Kitty somehow knocks Arlene's pendant off in the process.)

Arlene: "You wench! My husband gave that to me!"
Martin Gabel, in audience: "Kick her derriere!"
(Arlene unleashes fists of fury, rendering Kitty helpless. Arlene finishes her off with the Francis-Steiner. She then rips off Miss Carlisle's gown. Henry stands there googly-eyed, as do the rest of the men)
Bud: "Uh..Oh! Miss Arlene Francis goes on an onslaught which results in her victory tonight. Jan, snap out of it, we're back on! Jan! JAN! Excuse me for a moment, let's go to an ad for Stopette."
(Bud clocks Jan with a chair as the Stopette ad begins. Fade out of clip, back to present day RAW)

(we hear a siren in the background)
JR: "Welcome back. We hoped you enjoyed our clip from the vaults. What we can tell you from this point, is that either Bill Rafferty or Jeff Probst will be in the third round automatically. Bill Cullen has also left the scene for a moment to help clean off the ladies. We'll get the ring sanitized, but BY GOD, it's man versus woman, Match Game versus Inquizition! NEXT!"

(fade out)

(fade back in on drunken crowd, realizing it's almost time for an intermission so they can buy more beer. They begin to act pissed, but we hear the MG '7X theme out of nowhere. Realizing more wrestling is about to happen, they stand up and spill what beer they have left)
Johnny: "Phew! It smells like booze----oh, and now the final match of the A bracket! Speaking of matches, here comes the first of our final two A bracket wrestlers. The star of Match Game, Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(whatever beer wasn't spilled before now is as the drunken crowd pumps their fists and chants "We want Charles, dammit!" as the blank master enters the ring)JR: "Gene once again getting a popular response from the fans."
Johnny: "And his opponent, feel her---uh, Inquizitors, Amy MacGuffin!"
(Amy hurriedly gets in and tries to start the match, but somehow Johnny uses that WML bouncer training)

Johnny: "And our special guest referee is someone who has a vested interest in game shows. Please welcome the host of "WHAT THE HELL IS IT?" and "WILL IT FLOAT," David Letterman!"
Paul Shaffer, in audience: "YEAH!"
(rest of CBS Orchestra cheers along with crowd as "Late Show" theme plays)David: "All righty, I did host a game show pilot, so shut up! Hey Biff, what do I do?"
Biff Henderson, at ringside: "Tell them to lower the wheel!"
Dave: "Yeah, lower the Wheel!Hee hee!!"
(Gimmick Wheel is lowered)
Jerry: "This is funny! The Star Wheel gets spun by its host!"
Dave: "Uh, what the hell do I do now?"
Biff: "Tell Gene to spin the damn thing!"
Dave: "Yeah, that's right! (to Gene) Spin this thing! Can we use it on 'WHAT THE HELL IS IT'?"
(Gene gives the old Star--uh, Gimmick Wheel, a spin. It goes around several times and begins to slow down)

Dave: "And it lands on......BLANK Pinata!"
JR: "What?"
Bill: "Oh, it's a Pinata match! You get something set up as a pinata, and the combatants try to be the first to break it."
Dave: "And what's our special Pinata tonight, Alan Kalter?"
Alan: "It's none other than DOCTOR PHIL!"
(Crowd cheers as America's Favorite TV Psychiatrist is lowered, tied to a string, bound)
Dave: "And Alan, what are we playing for tonight?“
Alan: “Dave, it’s a brand new MONKEY! (quick flash of a monkey picture as Paul and the orchestra play a flourish) BACK TO YOU, DAVE!“
Dave: “See, I told you one of these days they were gonna shut him down! IN MY PANTS! (rimshot) So what do we do now? Oh, give the two some pinata sticks, and the first guy to do something with it wins? Ready, ring the bell!"

(bell rings. Gene clocks Amy with the stick. Amy's knocked out, but rules stip that Dr. Phil has to be separated from the pinata string)

Dr. Phil: "I want to be Miss America!"
Gene: "Shut up, dingbat!" (hits Dr. Phil)
Dr. Phil: "I've had a vasectomy and I've had it reversed!"
Gene: "I told you to shut up, now shut up!" (strikes Dr. Phil again)
Dr. Phil: "Let's just spank her ass!"
Gene: "Shut up already!" (hits Dr. Phil again)
Dr. Phil: "You want a piece of me, lady?"
(this pisses Gene off. He sets loose a flurry of attacks on Dr. Phil. About five minutes later, Dr. Phil is a bloody pulp....and on the ring floor. David is too engrossed in the beatdown to signal the bell. Biff throws something at Dave to make him do it.)

Dave: "I told you they were gonna shut him down!"
Johnny: "The winner and final A advancer-----"
Paul: "YEAH!"
Audience and Johnny: "Geeeeene Rayburn!"
(Paul and the Orchestra play fanfare as the crowd starts heading for the exits.)JR: "Rayburn gives us the Top Ten Ways to Beat Up Dr. Phil. Damn, what a slobberknocker! But we've got one more first rounder, so we'll clean up Dr. Phil off the floor and get Rafferty/Probst to ya, next!"

(fade out, fade in on ads)

Announcer: "You've seen it on Late Show, now play it at home! The new home version of WILL IT FLOAT?"
("WIF?" theme plays throughout)
Boy: "It's a big rock." (ding!)
Girl: "I say it's gonna sink!"
(rock sinks in big tank)
Announcer: "Yes, the all new WILL IT FLOAT home game! We give you a big tank, and you supply the other materials! Anything you want! The main objective? Will the thing float?"
(cut to various scenes of kids putting various things in WIF? tank. Finally, the kids are seen tossing their dad in there)
Announcer: "WILL IT FLOAT? New from DAVE-O industries!"

(fade back in on arena. Obviosly GSWF wanted to hurry the hell up, so both Jeff Probst and Bill Rafferty are in the ring, and none other than the Master of the Hollywood Squares is in the ring. No, not Bowser, you fools.)

Peter: "OK, Bill, since you won the coin toss before the match, you get to spin the Wheel!"
(Bill gives the Wheel a good spin and lands on......Last Man Standing!)
Peter: "OK, since we gotta air some original show on in an hour or so, hurry up with this, OK?"
(bell rings, Rafferty gives Probst Sweet Chin Music. Probst is down, and all of a sudden we see past Survivors trying to enter the ring. However, the CBS Orchestra is still there and they get in a scuffle. SCM is too much for Jeff, and he fails to answer the count)
Peter: "Well, you made it quick! Bill Rafferty advances!"
JR: "And the second round has been set! The matches occur in the same order once again. A bracket match 1 features Vanna White and Richard Dawson! Monty Hall faces Michael Burger in B-1! A-2 sees Paul Lynde do battle with Gene Rayburn! (tries to keep straight face) and Bill Rafferty is granted an automatic pass to the third round! White/Dawson next!"
(fade out)

...this is kinda short, but wait till the quarterfinals start. The next installment features John Davidson playing Hans the Yodeling Cliffhanger, massive interference, and did I mention John Davidson as Hans? Stay tuned!!

High School Memories

This evolves from a post on the GSN boards.....I thought I'd have more fun with my response here.

---Freshman year (1997-'98)

The school board changed the class scheduling from 22 20-minute "mods" to eight oddly timed periods. This was done without allowing students or parents to voice opposition. This pissed off a majority of the student body, so in early spring, they staged a walkout. Of the 400-something students, about 200 (including yours truly) walked out, and yet more stayed home. Everybody who didn't attend ended up with an in-school suspension on a Thursday. Not only that, but it was the Thursday before Easter, so that week we only had two days of class. This, however, did not reflect my high school career as I graduated with a 3.7 (rounding up..:tongue2: )

Watching the seniors take down a door frame during Lumberjack Day's legendary Tug O' War. Back then, the event (celebrating our mascot) lasted all week, with the Tug being held in three days. The frosh were paired up against the junior, while the sophomores took on the seniors. The underclassmen pulled off two upsets, and on Friday, the two final matches were held. In the morning, the junior beat the seniors (including my older brother, still recovering from knee surgery...word of warning kids, don't even think of doing that), even though they tied the rope to the door frame. The juniors pulled hard enough and the damn thing came loose. Of course, the kids went insane, and the teachers blew their lids.

That being said, in the championship, which took place during halftime of the student/faculty basketball game, my fellow freshmen and me won.

My other favorite memory was of my brother and his buddies screaming "BRONCOS!!" at Packers fans the day after Super Bowl XXXII. Chad is a die-hard Miami fan, and loathes Brett Favre. I was probably the only Denver fan at LHS at the time, so I was probably one of the few kids walking the halls with a big smile.

I have to admit that my older brother was very important helping me survive freshman year. He was extremely popular with the students and respected by the faculty. Of course, being the star on the football and track teams didn't hurt either. A lot of people saw my last name and would ask if I was Chad's sister. When I said yes, I heard many "he's a good kid" comments.
When he underwent his knee surgery in December '97 (a result of a football injury in 1996), a ton of his friends signed a get-well envelope containing a new (expensive) pair of headphones for his walkman. That's how popular he was. After he graduated, a lot of people at school would ask how he was doing at tech school. I owe him a lot.

---Sophomore year ('98-'99).

Ditching the Drivers' Ed car in the snow. It wasn't too bad, but it scared the crap out of me, and almost to the point where I refused to take my drivers' test. FYI....three times is indeed a charm. :D
Also, that year I began writing for the school newspaper, The Echo, and had a couple popular articles. It really inspired me to write stuff in the future, as evidenced here with my stories and at my blog.
Oh, yeah....the Broncos won again, so I was a very happy camper.

---Junior year ('99-2000)

Lumberjack Day returned after a one-year hiatus, and although my junior class didn't win, we made the freshmen our little playthings. Having watched the scene in Revenge of the Nerds where the nerds play the "Have the Jocks Pull Really Hard then Let Go of the Rope" trick, we got cheers from the sophomores and seniors. This was outside, so nobody got hurt.
Homecoming, when the Lettermens' Club staged a WWF skit. All the kids loved it, since it involved chairs, "HHH" and "The Rock" beating the crap out of the Hayward Hurricanes. The teachers, with the exception of the L-Club head, didn't enjoy it.
The freshman put on a very crappy Tonight Show parody, which was made funny only by the seniors disrupting by screaming "AUSTIN RULES!" and "SHOW US YOUR PUPPIES!!" (the WWF skit didn't take place until the end of the skit contest)

Senior Year

Homecoming: I wrote the seniors' skit, a spoof of Survivor. It finished in second place, only because the freshmen stuck a guy in a dress. The real winner among the students was once again the L-Club. They staged "The Three Pigs" (complete with Green Jelly song) involving the Spooner Rails demolishing its conference foes..until it beat up on some poor underclassmen, at which point some big old Lumberjacks came out and paid tribute to the 1999 skit. Let's just say someone got the Last Ride. Hell, I think this may have been a huge inspiration for what would become the GSWF (shameless whoring other stuff is fun!)

Lumberjack snowed. I sprained my knee but took part in the Tug O' War anyways. It came down to us and the freshmen (including Turd Boy, my younger brother). We decided if the Nerds Rope Trick worked last year, it should work again, especially in the snow. The other kids lost it once we let go and sent the Class of 2004 into a giant snowbank.

I returned the favor my older brother gave me by helping Turd Boy out his freshman year. He mentioned that a lot of people asked, "You're Hannah and Chad's brother, aren't you?" See? We watched out for each other. Paul matured into a popular kid, idolized for his sense of humor (Mike Newkirk was the star athlete; you Badger fans may know his name). His senior year, I went to see him compete in the shot put at a meet in Barron. His trademark was to scream really loud before throwing the shot. He proceeded to scare the shit out of the girls' discus teams.

Back on subject, I was thrilled to graduate. Not because I wanted to get the hell out of town (every LHS student has this goal), but because I was ready for the new challenges I'd face in life. Though they haven't gone the way I wanted them to be, I believe I can correct those things in the future. In four years, I went from a protesting wild freshman to a 3.7 student with a bitching sense of humor. A lot of maturation occured, which surprised me the most.

Overall, high school was an interesting time, full of both sad and happy memories. It really is the stepping stone to bigger things in life.

Updates and Crap


First off, I went back to the template that this blog first carried. I think it may be because I can actually see where I bullet my stuff, which comes in handy during recaps.

With that, the Links have also been updated.

NOTE: Comments are still welcome, but the word verification is on. There's nothing more slightly irritating than seeing a comment was made, but it turns out to be spam. To quote Graham Chapman in the classic Python sketch: "I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!"

Non-blog wise, here's a site for GSN Forums Posters to check out where they and other people reside. As of now, I'm the only Cheesehead on the map. No, I'm not bragging.

OK, that about wraps it up. Of course, look for more GSWF programming, reality bytes, and TV recaps.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Drawn Together Recap: Season Two, Episode One!!

Yep, it's autumn all right. New South Park, and a new season of Drawn Together. Where to start?

  • We're treated to the trademark "Previously on..." clip reel of the gang revolting and blowing up the house
  • After the opening credit, we see the gang in a tailspin
  • Toot sees peanuts...farewell, Toot.
  • The gang crash lands....everybody's safe.
  • Ling Ling like black box. heh
  • There's Toot! Can you say "shark bait?"
  • Whoops....the shark was bait.
  • "Hey, there's that asshole Jeff Probst!" First Mountain Dew spray of the season.
  • The gang learns that work for reality stars is difficult to come by.
  • And the casualty? Wooldoor Sockbat, who offs himself Shawshank style. Hell, if I had that annoying Clippy by me, I'd do the same. But then, suicide's a sin....but offing that damned Clippy is too. Dammit!!
  • Meanwhile, the poor island tribe is forced to feed Toot. Bring her virgins!!
  • The gang decides to return to the house, with the sole proviso being they have to get a new castmate.
  • Hopped up Speedy Gonzalez? They're going to get letters.
  • WILLLLLMAAAAAA! Oops, the hurricane may be forcing this one to go on the shelf
  • Strawberry Shortcake? AGGGGHHH!
  • I'm 18, but I'm like 8!!
  • What the hell was that giraffe doing?
  • AGGGGHHH! Wooldoor ain't dead! Yaaay!
  • Strawberry Shortcake: Genocidal Maniac. God, I love this show
  • And Toot saves Wooldoor, and the day!!

Overall, a good start to the season. It's a Four Dew effort, and hopefully the rest of the eps are just as great.

This week: SPANKY! and Xandir get hitched. Ah, I bet chaos ensues!!

The Sports Letters Page

Dear Reggie Bush,
Please turn pro this season. Green Bay could really use your services now.

A Stilled Pissed-Off Broncos Fan (DAMN YOU ELI MANNING!!)

Dear Tony Stewart,
Please be a smart-ass some more, to the point where someone will get pissed and punch you in the balls.

The Gordon fan who just returned to the fold

Dear Tony Stewart...
Kindly disregard that letter. You say some funny shit sometimes....but Johnson's still gonna kick your ass and take the Cup.

(....this letter would have been finished but the doctor came with the injection)

Dear Scott Podsednik,
Do that thing you do.

The Brewers Fan That Felt Trading You for Carlos Lee Was Good for Everybody

To: Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, Hines Ward and other NFL Players/Aspiring Broadway Dancers
From: Disgruntled Football Fans

Please, knock this shit off. Thank you.

Yep, the mailbag's empty. Stay tuned for more letters and crap, courtesy of The Olson Files.

GSWF Retro: The RAW Title Tournament of Doom

And here we are, story number three of the original series. As I've noted, an original RAW was to have aired before this, but other things popped up which prevented me from committing to it. When new programming commences, the first new ep will be "The Lost Episode." Some things that are explained in this story will make more sense. So, on with the show!!

(cue logos, clip package, blah blah blah)
(cue Union Underground music and new RAW logo, complete with footage of personalities basically wiping the mat with each other, or planting each other through Spanish Announcing tables, etc. Cut to pyro in arena. Lights go up, fans go ballistic)

JR: "We're here LIVE! At the Encino Convention Center for another hellacious installment of GSN RAW!!! After weeks and weeks of delays and other stuff, the moment everybody's been waiting for has finally arrived! The GSWF Title is on the line in a big old blanking tournament! Sixteen will enter, but only one will emerge as the new GSWF champion. Right, Jerry Lawler?"
Jerry: "That's right JR! There's such a mix of superstars in here, the stage could be set for something big! Big, I tell you! What say you, Mr. Bill Cullen?"
Bill: "The Vegas bookies are going nuts right now setting up odds and what-not. Friendships will be tested, new enemies will be made, and man! Garry Moore versus Henry Morgan? I've got a Secret----it's going to rule!"
JR: "That's a damn fact, Bill! For those of you at home, here's how the matches will go. We'll alternate going down the brackets, to allow the wrestlers to recoup what strength they have to go on to the next round. It's single elimination, which means once you're pinned, forced to submit, or become disqualified, your shot at the belt is gone for now!"
Bill: "The matches were chosen via a lottery conducted on HEEET a few weeks back. We're going to see stuff we never thought we'd see on RAW or Smackdown Plus before."
Jerry: "You know what match I can't wait for? All of them! Now can you recap why we're doing this tourney?"

JR: "Hell yeah I can! By now, a great deal of GSWF followers know about the infamous S+ Armageddon Match, which resulted in the now controversial finish. Mr. McMahon, the sneaky sonofablank, had found a loophole in the rulebook that stated that Match Game cards were illegal weapons. To make matters worse, Commissioner CNR had found another loophole saying you could not plant your opponent through the Spanish Announcing Table. Hence, the title was vacant, and here we are at the tourney.

"For those who want to create brackets or who just want to see who falls where, the first match for tonight is out of Bracket A. It's a battle of Wheel of Fortune emcees as Pat Sajak battles the Lingo master Chuck Woolery. The first match from Bracket B follows, with Louie Anderson taking on Monty Hall. We'll then go back to Bracket A, and a battle of GS pervs; Richard Dawson versus Rip Taylor. Rumor has it Jaye P. Morgan may be present at ringside. The second match from Bracket B pits the former champ Michael Burger against the King of Whoopee, Bob Eubanks."

Jerry: "Then we'll pick things up back at A, with Alex Trebek taking on Paul Lynde! Aggghhh! Then we'll go to B, and the Battle of IGAS!"
Bill: "The last A match features, well, a Match Master taking on a rather irate Inquizitor. According to the news sites, the Gene Rayburn/ Amy MacGuffin fight may be the dreaded " 'NSync Match," where prepubescent young boys get front row seats to see if Ms. MacGuffin is, er, endowed. After finding out she's not, they'll proceed to let their hormones rage and then get their butts kicked by GSWF security. The final B match is more subdued. Once the carnage is cleaned up from the said 'NSync match, Bill Rafferty takes on Jeff Probst."
JR: "Well, we'll shut our traps and LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!!"

(old RAW music plays as workers lug a familiar looking wheel ringside. Fans stand up and start chanting "Gimmick Wheel! Gimmick Wheel! Johnny Olsen, the ring announcer, motions for the crowd to shut up)
Johnny: "Welcome to Encino, GSWF fans! (crowd roars) And welcome to the Game Show Wrestling Federation TITLE TOURNAMENT OF DOOM!!! (loud cheers) We've been told to hurry up with this, since they wanna show Russian Roulette's Burnout Celebrity Special Edition show, so we'll get this thing going.

Pat Sajak, COME ON DOWN!
(new Wheel theme plays as Pat walks down the aisle with Vanna)

Chuck Woolery, COME ON DOWN!!
(Scrabble theme plays as Chuck walks with Susan Stafford in tow)

You are the first two combatants in the GSWF TITLE TOURNAMENT OF DOOM!(TPiR theme plays)
And here is our special guest referee, BOOOOOOBBBB BARKER!!!"
(crowd roars as Bob enters wearing GSWF ref shirt)

Bob: "Thank you everybody and welcome to the first tournament match. Pat, Chuck, both of you know the rules, so we'll commence. But apparently the owner and the commissioner made a deal to use this lovely device to choose what type of match you'll have. Girls, please unveil the GIMMICK WHEEL!(cheers as Holly Halstrom and Janice Pennington unveil wheel, which is nothing more than the Star Wheel with different gimmick matches on there) Pat, since you're the challenger in this match, please spin the Wheel. Due to the circumstances, the gold star bit has been removed. Spin that wheel!"
(Pat spins the wheel, going around several times.)

Bob: "Gentlemen, you'll be competing in the Sony ECM-51 on a Pole Match!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "For those of you at home, the objective is to beat the crap out of your opponent, then try to grab the mic before he gets up. Unfortunately, the mic is in the back, so we have to go to commercial. After this, Woolery versus Sajak!"
(fade out)

(fade back in. The pole is set up with the familiar looking mic on top. Bob signals the timekeeper to ring the bell. Pat and Chuck start strangling each other.)
JR: "And these two are off to a smashing start! (Pat whips Chuck into the ropes) These two have some bad blood between them, ever since Woolery left Wheel. (fans roar as Chuck kicks Pat where it really hurts)"
Jerry: "These two are really exchanging blows, aren't they?"
(meanwhile, Vanna is near Susan and it looks like they're yelling at each other.)Bill: "The winner of this match, BTW, will go on to face the winner of the Dawson/Taylor fight. But considering the way these two are beating the what-not out of each other, the person that wins this match ain't gonna have nothing to put up against his future opponent."

(Vanna and Susan stop yelling at each other and suddenly....)
Jerry: "AGGGGHHHHH! What are they doing? They're going to get their vowels exposed! Vowels! Vowels!"
(Bill whacks Jerry upside the head)
JR: "These two ladies are putting themselves in danger here! Sajak is in the tree of woe, and Woolery is in the ropes. Wait----what's Vanna doing by Pat?"
(Vanna gives Pat Shattered Dreams. Susan dropkicks Chuck through the ropes. Males in crowd start grunting like apes.)
JR: "OH MY GOD! The letter turners have turned against their co-stars!!! I haven't seen anything like this happen since the Palmer/Myerson Mud Bath Match!"

(Susan and Vanna take off their high heels, and climb the turnbuckle. Just as it looks like both will grab it, Vanna shoves Susan off. Susan lands on Sajak. Vanna grabs the mic. Barker signals for the bell)
JR: "GOOD LORD! Already the tournament has taken a very weird turn! Vanna White advances to the second round!"
Johnny O: "The winner of this match, and second round qualifier, Vanna White!!"
(Vanna celebrates in ring)
JR: "One match done in this tournament and already we have an unusual ending to a fight. After this, we'll get ready for Louie Anderson trying to make a deal against Monty Hall!"
(fade out)

(fade in ad)
Announcer: "You love GSN RAW. You worship Smackdown Plus. But starting Wednesday nights, you're absolutely going to flip. VannaPemberton Productions brings you GSN GLADIATORS! It's just like American Gladiators, only better! Join Mike Adamle and Larry Cszonka as they watch your favorites pummel the heck outta each other some more! That's GSN Gladiators, Wednesday nights, only on Game Show Network!"
(fade out)

(end commercials, fade in on arena. Johnny Olsen stands in the ring with the mic)

Johnny: "Louie Anderson, COME ON DOWN!
(New Feud music plays as Louie waddles down the aisle)

Monty Hall, COME ON DOWN!
(LMAD theme plays as Monty walks down aisle with a limping Carol Merrill)
You are the next two combatants in the Title Tournament of Doom!"
(crowd cheers)
JR: "The first match from the B bracket is just about underway. The Gimmick Wheel is now in the ring, and Louie will give it a spin."
(Louie spins wheel, going around several times)
Johnny O: "Louie and Monty, you will be competing in the Inferno Match! The object of the game is to set your opponent on fire with these special matches. And now, your special guest referee, the second man to play with matches---Ross Shafer!"
(MG '90 theme plays as Ross, in ref shirt, enters ring. He holds up the matches as the fans ooh and ahh)
Bill: "The Inferno Match; first happened between Brett Somers and Betty White in the dressing room at the Bob Barker Studio. The lone casualty was Charles Nelson Reilly's toupee."
JR: "That was one interesting incident."

(Ross signals for bell. Louie falls on mat, rolls around, and bowls Monty over)Jerry: "And Louie is already using his patented Sno-Ball offense! He's going for the matches...but Monty counters!"
(Louie tries to stand, but the six dozen donuts he had prior to the match are holding him down. Monty gets up and gives him a legdrop. Louie then does a fish flop, causing a small earthquake in the arena, sending Monty through the ring and flinging Ross out of the ring. The matches hit the mat. Monty appears to be down and out. All of a sudden---)

JR: "It looks like Louie is going to take advantage----wait, who's the guy that jumped the barrier! He---he's clotheslined Louie!"
Jerry: "Aggh! Who is it! He's got a hood and ski mask on, so you know it's not going to be good!"
Bill: "The ref's out----the guy's pouring beans on him! It's David Letterman! Are beans cooking?"
JR: "NO! Beans create gas---the guy's got the matches----"
(the mystery man lights a match and drops it on Louie. Loud "FLOOSH" erupts, crowd cheers)
Bill: "Whoa! Louie Anderson's on fire! The man is picking up Hall, and he gives him the match! I don't believe it!"
(Carol hobbles around, locates Shafer, and rolls him into the ring. Ross gets up, sees Monty with the match, then signals for the bell)

JR: "I don't believe it! Another messed up ending to an otherwise great match!"
Johnny, looking confused: "Uh, the winner and advancing to the second round, Monty Hall!"
(Carol raises Monty's hand in victory. The mystery man goes into the crowd again. The fireman comes out and extinguishes Louie. Louie slooooowly gets up, and looks at the man.)
JR: "Wait, the guy's taking off the hood. Now the ski mask---OH MY GOD! IT'S RICHARD KARN, THE GUY WHO'S REPLACING LOUIE ON FAMILY FEUD! GOOD GOD! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!"

(crowd goes ballistic and starts chanting Karn's name)
Bill: "I will be doggoned! Why was I sensing something like this would happen?"
JR: "I will be damned! What the hell is going to happen next?"
(fade out)

(fade in on "COPS" like ad)
Announcer: "Coming soon to Game Show Network----watch irritating commercial spokesmen get theirs. It's GSN FORUM POSTERS. Watch irate posters get revenge for being driven insane by stupid ads."

(Cut to car with posters inside)
Person (Identified as "Officer Tom3"): "I can't stand Billy Mays. If we get him for selling illegal substances like Orange Glo, we'll be much better."
Second person (Identified as "Sgt. VannaPemberton"): "Hang on....let's scare him first. I'll get the mask."

Jamaican Singers: "Bad ad-folks, bad ad-folks, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"
(sirens wail, then cut to Tom3 and Vanna beating crap out of Billy Mays)

Announcer: "Thrill as Captain Blanketyblank busts a cop on Bloussant Girl."
Bloussant Girl: "Do you want bigger breasts?"
Capt. BB: "Blank, no! Now shut your blank before I pop the other one!" (hits Bloussant Girl with Mountain Dew bottle)
Announcer: "That's GSN FORUM POSTERS, premiering Saturdays after Match Game PM, only on Game Show Network."

(ads end, back on arena. Gene Wood is standing next to Johnny O, holding the mic)
Johnny: "The next match will feature a guest announcer. Take it away, Wood!"

(opening FF '76 music plays)
Wood: "It's time to play GAME SHOW HOST FEUD! Mister Dollar Ninety-eight, Rip Taylor, READY FOR ACTION!"
($1.98BS theme plays as Rip prances down the aisle, whipping his bag of confetti all over the place.)

JR: "A lot of people were surprised when Rip was one of the guys involved in this tournament."
Bill: "Especially considering that the show he hosted wasn't necessarily a game show, but a fan was standing outside the arena with a pitchfork if we dissed it."
(Rip enters ring)

Wood: "He's against the original host of the Feud, Richard Dawson!"
(females scream as Dickie walks the aisle)
Jerry: "Why can't I get that reaction with women? Aggh!"
Wood: "Let's start the next GSWF TOURNAMENT MATCH! (Feud '76 music plays) And here's the special guest referee of this match, RAY COMBS!"

(loud cheers as Ray in ref's shirt and tie enters the ring)
Ray: "Rip, you are the challenger in this, and you have the option to spin the wheel or pass to Dawson."
Rip: "Oh ho ho, I think I'll play, Raysie!"
Ray: "Don't call me that, or I'll DQ you! Lower the Wheel!"
(Gimmick Wheel is lowered)
JR: "Here we go!"

(Rip gives the Wheel a hard spin. It goes around several times)
Ray: "And it's going to land on....CAPTURE THE CHUCK BARRIS MIDGET!"
(crowd roars)
JR: "Oh my God! This match! It was brought out of storage for the tournament tonight, and just our luck, we're going to deliver, unlike that other piddly wrestling company."
Jerry: "Is it a female?"
Bill: "For those of you you haven't seen this match before, it's simple. We let loose the Chuck Barris Midget, and the first guy to capture him and put him in one of these cages we stole from GSN Gladiators advances."
JR: "But don't think it's gonna be easy!"

Ray: "Richard, since you didn't spin, what cage do you want to use for the match? We have orange and we have yellow."
Richard: "Our survey SAID! I'll just go with yellow."
Ray: "OK, you have to put the midget in the yellow cage in this corner, Rip has the orange cage in the opposite corner. Release the midget, Hardcore Champion!"
Gene, the Dancing Machine, aka GSWF Hardcore Champ: "Ya got i!"
(he opens the cage and lets the midget out in the ring. Bell dings. Rip starts slapping Richard.)

JR: "This is going to be an interesting match here. You know, Bill, are you looking forward to B2?"
Bill: "The Burger/Eubanks match? I don't give a whoopie."
Jerry: "You're looking forward to B3, though! The big Moore/Morgan match!"
Bill: "Now THAT's one I'm eagerly looking forward to."
(meanwhile, Richard is down on the mat after a Rip beatdown. Rip starts celebrating and goes to grab the midget. Ray monitors the action. The midget runs under Ray's legs, and Rip bowls him over. Ray is knocked senseless.)
JR: "Now why did that have to happen?"
(crowd starts roaring as they look to the entrance)
Bill: "Wait, who's that lady in the crowd here!"
Lady: "Hey, Rip, check these out!"
Jerry: "It's a $1.98 Beauty! Aggh!"
(the Beauty flashes Rip and the midget. Rip and the midget stand googly eyed. Dawson gets up and sees the woman. All of a sudden..)
Richard: "GRETCHEN?"
JR and Bill: "WHATTTT?"
Gretchen: (screaming) "GET THE MIDGET, YOU FOOL!"
(Richard gives Rip the Survey Stunner, just as Ray begins to get up. Richard then goes over, grabs the midget, and walks to the cage. Dawson trips over Combs, and the midget goes flying out of the ring----right onto Gretchen.)

JR: "OH MY! This match just seems to get more and more out of control!"
(Gretchen, not panicking, climbs over the barrier, chucks the midget at Richard. Richard takes advantage, and puts the midget in the cage. Ray is up, sees Rip out on the mat, and the midget in the yellow cage.)
Ray: "Ring the bell! Our survey says Richard Dawson wins!"
(bell rings, Fast Money win cue plays)
JR: "And Dawson goes on to face Vanna White in the second round! Wow!"
(Gretchen enters and celebrates with her hubby. As they leave, the midget is released, and he runs over to Rip.)

Rip: "Oh, shoot, I lost the match! Cue the music!"
(Milt DeLugg cues up the orchestra)
Rip, singing:
"I lost the match,
He kicked my blank,
I don't advance
No dollar ninety-eeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt
He rang my bell,
He cleaned my clock
Well, I have to say
He took me for what I got!
His lovely wife
Showed me her bust
That's what I get
I got no truuuuuussssstttttttt!
So no belt for me,
Guess I won't be a staaaaaaarrrrr
Hey Jaye P. Morgan I wonder wheeeerrrrreeee
Wonder where you arrrrrreeeee!"
(crowd claps as Rip and Midget leave)
JR: "A very poignant song by Rip Taylor there. After this, Michael Burger/Bob Eubanks!"
(fade out)

(commercials end, fade back in on ring. We see Michael Burger already in the ring...damn monkeys ran the ads too long)
Johnny: "And his opponent, from the Chuck Barris Studios, the King of Whoopie, Bob Eubanks!"
(NG theme plays as Bob walks to the ring, escorted by his lovely dealers)
JR: "The winner of this match goes on to face Monty Hall in the second round. Should be interesting seeing what match Michael spins."
Bill: "Can you tell I'm getting excited now? It's not long now till I have vested interest in the fights."
Johnny: "And our special guest referee, he tames the dragon, he has a good, uh, gambit, and he's ready to shuffle some odds! Here he is, Wink Martindale!"
(TTD theme plays as the ref enters the ring)
Wink: "Michael, you're the challenger, so guess what, you get to spin the wheel. Lower the Gimmick Wheel!"
(Wheel is lowered as Michael gives it a spin, cussing out the Wheel in the process. Wheel apparently has a mind of its own because.....)

Wink: "It's the STRAP MATCH!"
(crowd roars)
(Betty White comes out and begins to remove her top)
Johnny: "It's STRAP, not STRIP!"
Betty: "Oh." (goes backstage)
Wink: "With the Strap Match, we give each of you one Jamaican strap. Your goal is to beat the hell out of your opponent. Go!"
(music plays as Michael and Bob start whacking each other with the straps. Crowd begins to get bored.)

JR: "Well, I always thought strap matches were exciting, but this is going a bit too far. Hopefully it gets livened up."
Bill: "You're telling me."
(all of a sudden, Bob goes low and kicks Michael in the you know where. Michael keels over, and takes Bob out at the legs and pins him. Wink stands there stupified, even as Michael celebrates. Wink grabs Bob's strap and whacks Michael upside the head with it)
(Meanwhile, the announcers are dumbfounded, as this match well, sucked.)
JR: "Uhhh. I'm at a loss for words once. Up next, Paul Lynde/Alex Trebek!"

...Yeah, it seems pretty short, but there's a helluva lot of matches. Tomorrow, the remaining four first round fights. Look for cameos by Mark L. Walberg, David Letterman and Doctor Phil.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

GSWF Retro: The Smackdown Plus Main Event!!

Seriously, I don't know what I was on when I typed this. This is insanely messed up and of course I hope you guys enjoy it.

(fade in on Marquesas Island)
Announcer: "Have you always wanted to experience what life on 'Survivor' is really like? Hell, do you got the money? Then sign up for the Mark Burnett Survivor Tour! Enjoy stays in such exotic locales as Pulau Tiga and Nuku Hiva! Enjoy the bloomin' fun down under in the Australian Outback! Learn tribal rituals and more in the African savannah! Join your experienced tour guides, including Richard Hatch, Michael the Pig Hunting Guy who Caught on Fire, Big Tom the Goat Farmer, Jerri the Aussie (bleep!), Susan Hawk and Kelly Wiglesworth, and more! Packages start at $299 for a weekend stay, and ask about our 39-day special! So pick up your phone and call 1-800-SURVIVOR and book your dream trip of a lifetime!"
(fade out, then roll some useless crap ads)

(commercials end, then we see the gang in the commish's office, joined by Allen Ludden, Jim Perry, Paul Lynde, and the broads from the match that got scratched)
Monty: "How long is it?"
Peter: "Any time now! Come here, ladies!"
Allen: "I beg your pardon! (pointing to Betty White) She's mine!"

(cut to what's left of the snack bar, where people are tossing out cans and bags of junk food for the match. We see guys including Combs, Karn, Jay Stewart, Charlie O'Donnell, Johnny Olsen, Jeff Probst, Wink Martindale, Alex Trebek, Garry Moore, Holly and Janice, Lacey and Susanna, Carol on crutches, Chuckie Baby, Gene the Stagehand, Peter Tomarken, Todd Newton, an assortment of Whammies, Rip Taylor, and many other people gathered by the set watching the Smackdown Plus ring)

(a hush has descended upon the Bob Barker Studio as fans await the arrival of the building crew who spent much of the show constructing the cage for the main event. We cut to the announce table, where the three commentators are silent and looking at the entryway of the arena)
JR: "Friends, we are moments away from what could be the most heinous slobberknocker in GSWF history. Right now, we are advising the younger viewers to please tune to something else, and we ask that our fans take strong discretion should they choose to view this match."
Bill: "In my years as a wrestler and now as an announcer, I don't think I ever saw anything as scary and thought provoking as that first Armageddon match. I wish we had footage of this, just to show you how brutal this is."
Jerry: "It was a tale told to all these generations of employees, wrestlers, and especially fans. There's probably grandparents telling their grandkids about watching Dennis James and Bert Parks practically end their careers in this fight. That's how sadistic this is."
JR: "Friends, let me tell you that after tonight, the GSWF will never, ever be the same again."

(loud noise as camera pans to the workers bringing in their handiwork. Crowd begins oohing at the results. The workers reach the ring and start assembling their finished product as the head constructor hands Johnny Gilbert a sheet of paper. We see Sheryl wheel in a large assortment of basic WWF hardcore equipment, as well as stuff apparently swiped from several studios.)

(cut to the backstage areas, where everybody watches in astonishment)

JR: "We are seeing for the first time, the completed product for our main event. Let's listen to our announcer."
Johnny, who looks shaken: "Fans, behold the scenery for the Armageddon Match! (loud noises from the crowd) The cage is a cross between the WWF steel cage and the 'Celebrity Deathmatch Dome of Devastation'."
Bill: "Oh my God."
Johnny: "The cage is made of reinforced steel, guaranteed to bust anybody wide open if the impact is right. The contenders can get out through that opening in the roof, but we strongly warn against doing that. As seen in the ring, there are a ton of weapons, everything from stop signs to fire extinguishers, tables to ladders, the Hunter Hearst Helmsley brand sledgehammer, steel chairs, thumb tacks, cue cards, microphones, hell, even a camera. And a separate cameraman. (cut to Cameraman, in the cage) And to ensure maximum carnage, there's a special electronic door system, which seals once the combatants and referee are in the ring, and it will not open until one combatant is incapacitated. We have a person in the back armed with the command for the door sealing, and once the match ends, that person will be informed to enter the code to unseal."
JR: "I'll be damned."
Bill: "This is bigger and badder than ever. My God."
Jerry: "I'm stupefied!"
(the workers finish and leave the area after double checking to make sure everything is perfect. Crowd goes ballistic, realizing that they're going to get their money's worth within minutes)
JR: "Well, in the words of the immortal song, the end is here."

(Johnny hands the head constructor the sheet back and grabs his mic)
Johnny: "Ladies and Gentlemen! Our main event for this evening is the Armageddon Match, and it is for the GSWF Undisputed Championship!"
(crowd roars)
(MG '98 music plays, crowd starts jeering very loudly)
Bill: "And here we go! Jerry, let go!"
(Michael, Vince, Gary and Amy stand in the entryway)
Johnny: "First, being accompanied to the ring by Vince McMahon, Gary Kroger and Amy MacGuffin, the GSWF Undisputed Champion, the host of Match Game '98, Michael Burger!"
(crowd continues booing. The GSNWO members stand by as Michael enters the cage, gets in the ring, and starts showing off)

JR: "The arena is electrified now, one challenger is now ringside, this place is gonna have the roof blown off, right about----now!"
(MG '7X music plays, crowd just loses it. Jerry falls out of his chair clutching his ears)
Bill: "JR, tell me I'm just dreaming! Tell me I'm just dreaming!"
(Gene and Co. arrive at the entryway)
Johnny: "And his challenger, being accompanied to the ring by Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly and Richard Dawson....the host of the first three incarnations of Match Game, Geeeeene Rayburn!"
Crowd: (chanting loudly) "BLANK! BLANK! BLANK! BLANK!"
JR: "The place is off its feet now for the challenger."
Bill: "Dammit Jerry, get up! I can't stand up with you grabbing onto my leg like that!"
(crowd continues chanting as the old school MG posse head down the aisle and to the cage. Richard shakes Gene's hand as the latter walks in)
JR: "We've met the combatants, but who the hell's reffing this?"
Johnny: (gets the crowd to settle down) "Ladies and gentlemen, we needed a special guest referee for this match, since the GSWF staff of referees refused to sign up for this match. After looking through an extensive list of possible people, we needed one person who was expendable--no, wait, one willing to take the risks of a possible bump from one competitor. (Gene gives an innocent smile as Johnny says this) So, without further ado, introducing our special guest referee, someone who'd rather grease for peace---JON BAUMAN!"

(Bowzer, in a ref outift, but of course with a leather jacket, comes down the ring. The place is hushed, and several people try hard not to die laughing.)
JR: "Friends, I have no comment!"
(Bowzer steps in cage and asks Michael for the belt. After doing the ref title pose, he hands the belt to Johnny. All the while, Gene stands there with that look on his face. You know the look.)
JR: "Friends, I hate to tell you this, but we have to split for commercials, but they'll be quick, and nothing will happen during the break. Stay tuned! The Armageddon Match is NEXT!!"
(fade out)

(fade back in on arena, crowd buzzes with excitement.)
JR: "Welcome back to the program, where we're just seconds away from the Armageddon Match. The combatants are ready, and the ref has signaled for the door to shut."

(Head constructor gives the command to seal the door. Bowzer's next act is to order the group outside the cage to go backstage to prevent any interference or possible screwjob. Vince drags Amy and Gary back, and CNR hesitatingly grabs Brett and motions Richard to follow him. Once all that's settled...)
Bill: "It's just seconds from now!"
Jerry: "Agggh! I think I blanked in my pants!"

(Bowzer signals for the bell to ring. The timekeeper does so. Crowd goes berserk)JR: "And the main event is underway! And already the fighters are at it, trading punches! Should be interesting seeing who first takes advantage of the arsenal of weapons."
Bill: "Not only who, but what?"
(after trading punches for some time, Michael decides to get hardcore and picks up a trashcan.)
JR: "Well, he's got the trashcan---"
(Gene grabs a steel chair)
JR: "And (loud thwack in cage as chair meets can, sending both hosts stumbling backwards) OH MY! Both fighters strike their first blow!"
Bill: "Damn! That was one helluva sound!"
Jerry: "What was the first move in the Parks/James one?"
JR: "I've heard so many different combos, but I think the fire extinguisher/stop sign move was it."
(more punches exchanged; Michael then picks up the Stop Sign of Doom and clubs Gene with it)
Bill: "Now, friends, remember that for the most part, it's illegal to tear down stop signs to use for stuff like this. If you wanna blow five hundred bucks and go to jail, then that's your problem. But apparently even though those babies are thin, they're pretty potent weapons."

(Michael tosses sign aside and looks for something else, and proceeds to violate Wrestling Rule Number 468: never turn your back on a downed opponent, especially if he's just grabbed a fire extinguisher. Burger turns around and gets hosed bit time. He thrashes around in pain as Gene gets El Chairo again and beats Michael silly. Cheers from crowd)
JR: "That chair's pretty potent too, Bill. Wonder how long it'll be till it gets bent out of shape?"
(after repeated use of the chair, Gene goes for----the CAMERA! Crowd goes wild. Cameraman starts panicking. Michael gets up and eats camera lens. The clever little techno folks in the trailer decide to cut to the view from the camera as we see Michael, then black, then Michael, then black. Cameraman is cowering in one corner. Michael decides he's had enough, picks up a two by four, and whacks Gene in the stomach)
JR: "Yeow!"
Jerry: "The old two by four trick!"
(Gene doubles over. Michael goes on the offensive but chooses not to use any weapons. Cameraman, thinking the worst is done, gets up---but fate in the universe goes wild as he just happens to collide with Bowzer. The camera knocks Bowzer out)
JR: "And the ref is out! Good Lord! A bump with the cameraman!"
Cameraman: "Somebody! Get me outta hyah!"
(Michael picks up the hysterical cameraman and does what any other person would do in this situation; launches the guy like a shot put. Cameraman collides with Gene, but in the wacky universe of wrestling, the cameraman's the only one knocked out. Classic shiz.)
JR: "The scene's changed! Both the ref and cameraman are out, which means right now it's no holds barred in there!"
Bill: "JR, just shut up! Even if the ref was up it's still no holds barred."
(Michael curses once he realizes he could have used the cameraman more. He looks at the one wall of the cage. He drags his opponent over, and---you guessed it---it's blading time. Several fans start puking at the sight of it. Michael continues the beatdown until he gets a sensationally painful feeling in his blank. He falls over, screaming like a girl. Gene stands up, wipes some blood off, and tosses aside the HHH sledgehammer. Crowd continues cheering and alternately puking.)
Jerry: "Sledgehammer! Aggh!"
JR: "Friends! Friends! We've been told we need to break to commercials. We swear that this will be quick, and we will show you what happened over the break! STAY TUNED!"
(fade out)

(cut back in on action. Michael's still clutching his, uh, you know)
JR: "Welcome back, friends! For those of you who sat through the commercials, don't worry, you didn't miss nothing!"
Bill: "It's been pretty much quiet in there for a few minutes, but since we're back on, it's time to get violent again!"
(Michael slooowly gets up. Gene charges with El Sledgehammero, but Michael does the old legsweep trick. Sledgehammer goes flying. Michael picks up the already abused chair and lays a vicious blow.)
JR: "That chair seems to be the favorite weapon of choice. No, wait. Burger just saw that it got dented big time with that last chair shot, so that's pretty much useless. He's looking for the sledgehammer now."
(Michael paces the cage, looking for the HHH Sledgehammer. He's just about ready to resume his search when a ladder connects with his skull. He goes flying into the one side of the cage and blades on impact. More fans vomit. The announcers try to shield themselves from the puke blast.)
Bill: "The famed Ladder of Death, used in many a title match. But what the hell's Gene doing now? He's setting it up right there in the middle! OK, it's set, but he's dragging Michael with him---I think they're going to go through that opening at the top there!"

(more punches, but finally the two are at the top of the cage. More punches. Fans stand up and start going wild. Michael stiff kicks Gene. Fans go berserk as Rayburn flies off the top of the cage and lands on the Spanish Announcers' Table. C'mon, isn't the Spanish Announcers' Table required for these types of matches?)JR: "OH MY GOD!"
Bill: "GOD DAMN!"
Jerry: "AGGGHHHH!"
(Michael thumps his chest and points at the emcee on the table. All of a sudden, he gets this look on his face. Slowly, he walks to the edge. The Spanish Announcers run for cover. All of a sudden...)
Bill: "I'm getting outta here!"
Bill: "On second thought, I'm staying!"
(Michael pulls a Shane McMahon and does an elbow drop off the cage. He connects, sending himself and Gene straight through the table. Wood flies. Crowd goes nuts.)
Crowd: (chanting) "HOLY (cuckoo)! HOLY (cuckoo)! HOLY (cuckoo)!"

(backstage, jaws are dropping everywhere. Brett passes out. Cut back to the announce table, and JR, Jerry, and Bill are on their feet, looking at the remains of the Spanish Announcers' Table. Both hosts are on the floor, writhing in pain, but nowhere near conceding their shot at the belt. The event staff are trying to keep fans back. We see one technician signaling for an ad break. Fade out, of course.)

GSN Announcer: "Up next, ten hours of The Newlywed Game! Sucks to be you!"

(fade in on ad)
WWF Announcer: "And now the Smack of the Night, brought to you by Spiegel!"
(cut to clip of ding dong ditch incident)
(Monty stands up)
Bob: "What the HELL?"
Monty: "I'll trade for what's behind the door!"
Bob: "You bas(cuckoo!)"
(starts fighting Monty. Lacey throws a towel around herself and slams the door while Monty and Bob continue fighting)
Tom: "Dammit, and I didn't get to knock!"
(cut back to ad)
Announcer: "That was the Spiegel Smack of the Night!"

(cut back on arena, where nothing much has changed since the break)
JR: "And we're back with the Armageddon Match, and right now not much has changed. That's not much of a surprise, considering how both our fighters got outside of the ring (the replay of the demolition of the Spanish Announcers' Table is shown). No, wait, I see some movement now."
Bill: "Who?"
JR: "I can't tell, there's a large piece of plywood in my way."

(Michael slowly gets up and drags Gene with him. More stupidity as he suddenly climbs the cage with the fellow emcee in tow. Fans are throwing crap at each other since there's not much action going on. Jerry gets hit in the head with a beer bottle and he goes back there and starts beating up the drunken louse that tossed it. A GSWF security guy pulls Jerry apart and drags him back to the announce position. Bill starts laughing.)
Jerry: "Shut up! AGGH!"
JR: "Well, the two are back in the cage, so for the most part, the match is going to resume."
(Michael spits out some blood. He grabs an old-school mic and starts choking Gene with the cord. Of course this was an obviously stupid manever, because if you start choking a person, they're liable to throw their arms out and punch you in the face. Bing! Michael falls over after getting a fist to the eye.)
JR: "Very good reversal on that chokehold."
Jerry: "Experience, JR! Experience!"
Bill: "That's easy for you to say. You do the same thing at the Super 8."
Jerry: "Shut up, dammit!"
(Bill lets loose his famed laugh again)
JR: "Now, boys! Settle the hell down! And there's a fancy little DDT!"
(fans stop fighting each other long enough to look and start cheering)
Bill: "So the match ain't all hardcore. That was a very good move on Rayburn's part, the vibration of that mat just caused the ref to stir."
JR: "I never even thought about that, Bill. Makes a lot of damn sense, though, especially since the ref plays such a role in this match."
Bill: "The cameraman's still out, though."
(Michael gets up from that DDT, swipes the ladder, and makes Gene eat metal. Fans roar at the carnage. Cameraman's still out. Bowzer, though, is beginning to move around on the mat.)
JR: "That ladder's still being used! Damn, there's a lot of other stuff you can use!"
(Michael's about to swing the ladder again when Bowzer out of nowhere pops up and accidentally knocks some powder in his face. Burger staggers back trying to wipe his eyes, and trips over the cameraman, who's still out. Meanwhile, Gene's still on the mat, but not out yet.)
JR: "And both wrestlers down again, but right now it's still anybody's match!"
Bill: "No, wait, Michael got up. But he can't win until Gene's out completely, and vice versa."

(fans are getting pissed again and start throwing crap at each other. One fan launches another empty beer bottle, but it's deflected off one fan's LYNDE IS GOD sign and travels several feet in the air. It lands--straight through the cage opening and coshes Michael in the head. He staggers back again and gets tangled in the ladder. The bottle then hits the still unconscious cameraman. The fan that threw the beer bottle starts thumping his chest and his drunken buddies start mobbing him like maniacs and end up taking out several spectators. Event staff swarm the scene with their stun guns and start taking names.

Meanwhile, back in the cage, pretty much everything remains the same. Bowzer looks at both fighters, and seeing they're still coherent, can't call the fight. Michael curses as he tries to get out of the ladder. Gene slowly picks himself up off the mat, and cringes at the fact he's busted wide open. Seeing Michael is having his little ladder problem, the emcee looks around for a decent weapon. Seeing as pretty much everything's been exhausted, he realizes he's pretty much BOL...a blank outta luck. Just then, he looks down and sees a familiar looking blue card which apparently flew out of the can.)

JR: "Well, both men are up, and Burger's just got himself out of the ladder. And he's setting up a table that hasn't been used yet, and---"
Bill: "Right now, I have no damn clue who the hell's going to win. We have one guy oblivious to the fact his opponent's up, but on the other hand, the guy's barely in it."
(Michael finishes setting up the table. Just then, the cameraman rolls over and knocks the table down. Michael swears and goes to set it up again. Gene staggers over to the other host, blue card in hand.)
JR: "And what's that Gene's holding?"
Bill: "If I know my props right, that's a Match Game blue card! I completely forgot about that! But it's kind of useless to use, considering it's a very destroyable object."
Gene: "Eat paper, Burger!"
(Michael looks up, sees the card and starts laughing.)
Michael: "Yeah, right! Nell Carter's water bottle would be more effective than that piece of crap!"
(Gene continues his advance, but all of a sudden trips over the cameraman. The cameraman gets a foot to the stomach, which revives him. He screams, gets up, and knocks Gene right into Michael. Gene still has the blue card clutched in his hand; he sends Michael staggering. Fans start roaring because now it's a match.)JR: "Well, Burger's not going down without a fight."

Michael: "C'mon! Bring it on, old man!"
Gene: (having enough of this) "Oh, shut the blank up!"
(he punches Michael in the face...unknowingly using his fist currently clutching the card. Michael screams and feels the wicked paper cut on his face.)
Michael: "You sonofablank! You cut me really----"
(Burger collapses to the mat, unconscious from the intense pain. He takes out the cameraman in the process.)
JR: "What the hell was that?"
Bill: "You know what? I think he just gave him a paper cut! Remember the Shogun Incident?"
Jerry: "I remember! I remember!"

(A silence falls on the arena as the fans stop fighting again and look at what happened. Backstage, jaws are dropping as the other wrestlers see what just happened)
Peter: "What was--"
Monty: "I'll be damned! I'll be damned!"
(the commish, Brett and Richard are stunned. The GSNWO are stunned as well.)Vince: (angrily) "DAMMIT! DAMMIT! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?"
(the other members attempt to calm him down)
JR: "Something tells me that....hell, I don't know!"
Bill: "Me neither!"

(back in the cage, Michael lays unconscious. The cameraman, still barely coherent, looks around and sees one person down, and two others standing)Cameraman: "Hoowee, I knew I was going to go out in glory!"
(Gene looks at Michael, then looks at his fist. He drops the card and looks at Bowzer)
Jerry: "Aggh! What's happening?"
(Bowzer takes one look at the bloodshed and remains of weapons, then at Gene, then Michael. He looks at the timekeeper....and signals for the bell.)

Bill: "He's called for the bell! What does that mean?"
(Ira rings the bell. Stunned silence still permeates the arena. All of a sudden, the fan with the LYNDE IS GOD sign speaks up.)
Fan: "Holy (cuckoo)! He won!"
(the fans take a few seconds to process that. They continue that process when Johnny grabs the mic and the door opens)

Johnny: "The winner of this match, and NEW GSWF Undisputed Champion, Gene Rayburn!"
(Bowzer raises the host's hand)
(Crowd is still silent. Then they put two and two together and start going nuts, throwing crap, beating each other up, and screaming like crazies)
Crowd: (chanting very loudly) "BLANK! BLANK! BLANK! BLANK! BLANK!"
(Brett storms the cage and gives Gene a big hug. Crowd continues flipping out. Cameraman finally gets it all together and stands up and films the aftermath)

JR: "What a night! What a night! We have a new champion! Oh my God, I'm in shock!"
Jerry: "And this is a major blow to the GSNWO! Vince can't be happy!"
(cut to Vince in back cursing and knocking over furniture in his office.)

(in the remains of the snack bar, the hosts and models are celebrating by throwing food and beverages at each other. In the commish's office, Peter, Jim, Monty, Tom and Bob are high fiving and alternately beating up the Whammy. The Jamaicans and the cops are singing a rather coarse Australian song. Charles and Richard are nowhere to be seen.)

(Cut back to arena, where Gene and Brett walk out. We see the commish and Richard are there already, belt in hand. The fans, Bowzer, the announcers, and Cameraman watch as Richard hands the belt to Gene. Cheers turn to roars the moment Gene raises the belt in triumph)
JR: "What a night! Oh my God, what a night!"
Bill: "Damn straight Jimbo!"
Jerry: "You're telling me!"
JR: "We told you this was going to be a match for the ages, and it was! Gene Rayburn, your new GSWF champion! Friends, we're outta time, we'll see you next time on GSN RAW!!"

(Cut to fans rioting and getting tasered by cops as we fade out)

Copyright 2002
Blanketyblank Productions in association with Mountain Dew and Keebler Cookies
All Rights Reserved

...I told you guys this was messed up.

OK...Originally, a new GSWF RAW was to air next, but other commitments came up. "The Lost Episode" premieres in November.

The third GSWF story starts Monday, which resolves a plot from "The Lost Episode." If you love King of the Ring style tourneys, you'll enjoy this one.